Unrealness.

When I was growing up in Fairfield County, I really only had one good friend; Miles Hanes. He and I were pretty much inseparable, whether it was scaling Mud Mountain, playing "Star Wars" on the steps, or watching Hulk Hogan suplex the Big Bossman off a steel cage. But aside from Miles, my best friend didn't even live in the same state as me. He lived in Charleston, West Virginia. He was Ben Cavender, the son of my mother's college roommate.

Ben was amazing. He was fearless, and he made me braver just by dragging me along on whatever it was he wanted to do at any particular moment. Searching for snakes, sneaking out of the house at night to hunt UFOs, harassing his older sister and her friends. I remember one time we went to great pains to record an hour or so of us talking about bullshit, then played it back as loudly as possible, to "trick" Amber into thinking we were in his room, only to try to sneak into hers. I don't know what we thought we were going to do when we got there, but it was the journey that was important.

From the time I was five years old until I was twelve or thirteen, Ben Cavender was my best friend.

We grew apart. It was bound to happen. Separated by three and a half hours of travel and both heading into high school, it wasn't surprising. There have been times over the past ten years where I've wanted to pick up the phone, just to see how he is. I only did it once; after he was in a car wreck a few years back. Other than that, I've seen him twice in the past three years. I wish I had called him when his daughter was born. I wish I had been at his wedding a couple of months back. I wish I had spoken to him before he shipped off to Hawaii, joining the Army. I wish a lot of things, but today they've all been focused on Ben.

This morning, Ben was found in his barracks, dead. There's no cause of death yet, not even one suspected, and the first thing my brain went to is because it's the Army, we may never know. But none of that really matters... he's gone. He was a great friend, and you don't get many of them in your life. I count myself lucky to have quite a few by most people's standards, and I can't afford to take any of them for granted any longer.

I love you, Ben. I wish I had been better to you. Rest in peace.


The good buddies.

Magniloquent

For anyone who thinks that pro wrestling is low-brow, unenlightened pablum, do I ever have news for you. On Sunday night, Andrew and I not only had our vocabulary's expanded, but our horizons broadened, by one very special man, who shot right up on both of our personal heroes list; "The Alpha Male" Monty Brown. When asked by Shane Douglas what he thought of his opponent, Christian Cage, Brown stated, "Christian Cage doesn't dress like the Alpha Male, he doesn't speak as eloquently as the Alpha Male, as magniloquently as the Alpha Male."

That's right. He said "magniloquently."

Now, as Andrew relayed to Franz later on that night, initially we assumed it was some sort of nonsense word like "fantabulous." But after referring to the American Heritage Dictionary, we did indeed find a definition for "magniloquent." It is as follows.

mag·nil·o·quent
Lofty and extravagant in speech; grandiloquent.

To say that we were pleased by this information would be like saying that I'm slightly uncomfortable around dwarves. It was a magical, transcendent moment. I think there may have been a high five involved.

So Monty Brown, I salute you. Indeed you are... MAGNILOQUENT.


"There are no streets in the Serengeti!"

Duets

I've pretty much thought the whole Biggie duets album was a bad idea from the word "go", but the album cover might have actually made the entire thing worthwhile.



I bow to that cover. Hey, here's the tracklisting.

01. Hold Ya Head f/Bob Marley
02. The Most Shady f/Eminem, Obie Trice & P Diddy
03. Spit Your Game f/Twista, Paul Wall & Bone Thugs
04. Whatchu Want f/Jay-Z
05. The Funk f/Nate Dogg & Redman
06. Get Your Grind On f/Big Pun, Fat Joe & Freeway
07. Living The Life f/Snoop, Ludacris & Faith Evans
08. Somethin f/The Game & Mary J Blige
09. Nasty Girl f/Diddy, Nelly, Jagged Edge & Avery Storm
10. Living in Pain f/2Pac, Mary J Blige & Nas
11. Want That Old Thing Back f/Ja Rule & Ralph Tresvant
12. Recognize a Pimp f/Too Short & Webbie
13. Three Bricks f/Raekwon & Ghostface Killah
14. What’s Beef f/50 Cent & Mobb Deep
15. Hustler’s Story f/Scarface, Akon & Big Gee of Boyz N Da Hood
16. Breakin’ Old Habits f/TI & Slim Thug
17. Mi Casa f/R. Kelly & Charlie Wilson
18. Just A Memory f/The Clipse
19. Running Your Mouth f/Snoop, Nate Dogg, Foxy Brown & Fabolous
20. I’m With Whateva - f/Lil’ Wayne, Juelz Santana & Jim Jones
21. Here We Go Go f/Q-Tip, Babs & Aasim
22. Ultimate Rush f/Missy Elliot
23. Make It Hot f/Ness & Aasim
24. Wake Up Now f/KoRn

Fuckin' KORN!? Are you kidding me? Nevermind. Great Jughead inspired album cover be damned, this is back to being a terrible idea.

Album of the Year... sorta

So, last night Andrew and I were discussing our picks for Album of the Year 2005. He settled on Three-Six Mafia's Greatest Hits but quickly decided that it doesn't really count. I was all set to go with the album pictured below...



...but today I found out it was released last November. What the fuck!? I don't care. Still the best pop album of this decade. So it'll take some more deep thought to arrive at the correct conclusion.

One last item on Eddy

From Dean Rasmussen over at the Death Valley Driver board, pretty much summing up exactly how I feel about Eddy Guerrero, minus the parts about having kids and stuff.

"I watched all the wrestlers talking about how Eddy affected their lives over on WWE.com and I wept like any wrestling fan would. I'm still trying to get my head around this. I didn't know Eddy. But he does represent a large part of my life. All 2,850 of y'all are here because me and some other folks wrote about wrestling because we were basically inspired by Eddy Guerrero's art after seeing him in ECW in 1995. He led me to Lucha and the divine life lessons that brings. Eddy led me to Puroresu and inflamed my passion in the MOTHERFUCKING PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING that hadn't been stoked since I saw Dick Murdock and Harley Race live in Arkansas when I was 12. Eddy was 38 and I'm 39. Mike Tyson let me down. Hershel Walker let me down. Eddy didn't let me down. He was a large part of what I consider my generation to be in my eyes. Eddy has died and a part of a very rewarding part of my life died with him- the part of your life when you are no longer a child and no longer a young rebel but you are a MAN and you have the truly empowered feeling of grabbing the world and making it yours. I've had four children since I first saw Eddy wrestle 2 Cold Scorpio in ECW Arena. I've come to grips with what I think is important in my whole motherfucking life and one of the things that gave me insight into what is important in my life was the fact that Eddy Guerrero showed me that something dear to me- the Professional Wrestling- is worth finding spiritual cartharsis in and that my upbringing and my memories and my shared experiences with with my brother and my friends through wrestling are IMPORTANT and legitimate. Fuck it. My favorite wrestler of all time is dead. I'll be a man and find a new favorite wrestler and show my children the beauty of the art. "

That made me cry all over again. God damn it. Even I don't take wrestling as seriously as this guy.

Happy Turkey Day, bitches!

It's time, finally, to move beyond Eddy's sad death. And to help us do that, I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.


Don't get scalped, blog nation!

Guerrero autopsy results

I apologize in advance to anyone who frequents this blog that ISN'T a wrestling fan, but things are going to be pretty Eddy-centric here, at least for the next week. I hope you understand.

Vickie Guerrero speaks on Eddie's autopsy report
Nov. 15, 2005

After the untimely passing of Eddie Guerrero, WWE and the entire sports-entertainment community is still reeling from the devastating loss of a champion. The initial autopsy reports on Guerrero have come in. WWE.com spoke with Eddie’s widow, Vickie Guerrero, earlier today.

“It was heart failure. It was from his past – the drinking and the drug abuse. They found signs of heart disease. She (the examiner) said that the blood vessels were very worn and narrow, and that just showed all the abuse from the scheduling of work and his past. And Eddie just worked out like crazy all the time. It made his heart grow bigger and work harder and the vessels were getting smaller, and that’s what caused the heart failure. He went into a deep sleep.
As soon as they saw his heart, they saw the lining of his heart already had the heart disease. There was no trauma, and Eddie hadn’t hurt himself in any way. It answered a lot of questions. I knew Eddie wasn’t feeling very good for the last week. He was home and kept saying he wasn’t feeling good and we thought it was just “road tired.” So we thought he just had to rest. It answered a lot of my questions, too, because he was just so exhausted. She said it was normal because the heart was working so hard.

When he didn’t call me last night and the night before I knew it was for real, because he would call me every night. I miss his phone calls. I cried through the whole thing (last night).
I loved his laugh. His laugh was the best.

We just celebrated his four-year sobriety last Thursday. We just thought we had life by the handful. We thought we had it all figured out. He worked so hard to make a better life for us.
I’m just overwhelmed by how people are coming out. It’s touched my heart a lot.

Everybody was just in awe last night in how beautifully everything was put together.
All my life was wrestling. All he did was take care of them and live for that. And I don’t know what to do now.”

I miss Eddy Guerrero. But to read this, it really puts it into perspective. This isn't just my television hero that's gone away. It's a husband, and a father, a brother, an uncle, and a friend to many. I'll get used to him not being on Smackdown eventually. I don't think his family will get used to him not being home, though.

Always On My Mind

I'll have a more fleshed out memorial/tribute/thoughts later on, but I wanted to get SOMETHING up. He was my favorite wrestler, and I'll really miss him.

Eleven Days Since Halloween... SIL-VER SHAM-ROCK!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051111/ap_en_mo/obit_akkad

The producer of the "Halloween" movie series was killed yesterday in the Jordan bombings, sending a tremor down the spine of one Davekwon. Is "Halloween 3" now justified? I THINK NOT.


"We are things that should not be!"

Hip Hop Ain't For Homos

50 Cent says that a gay man will never be a star in the hip hop world because being gay "isn't cool." He claims to have nothing against homosexuals, but just doesn't think the culture will ever accept them. Hip hop music is too aggressive for them.

So... does that mean he's going to stop recording one fruity club song after another?

EDIT: This just in! Michael Bivens signs up and coming rap quartet "Gangsta Wad"

Christian quits WWE

Dave@wrestlingobserver.com

Jay Reso's final match in WWE was last night at the TV tapings in Los Angeles. While the WWE web site reported him quitting, which was accurate, what happened was a week ago in San Francisco, he was given a new contract, as his old one expired, and told to sign on the spot. He didn't sign. He did come back to work and do another job last night when he quit.

So... yeah. Good for Christian. TNA gets stronger by the day, if that is indeed where he ends up.


Coming soon (BACK) to Spike TV

Honest to God REAL News That Makes Me Want to Cry

From billboard, those motherfucking dream crushers:

"New York rappers Jay-Z and Nas ended their longtime feud and promoted peace on-stage last night (Oct. 27) during New York radio station Power 105.1's Power House concert at New Jersey's Continental Airlines Arena.

As headliner of the highly-anticipated event, Jay-Z had promised surprise guest performances and originally hyped the concert as an "I Declare War" affair, though nothing of the kind occurred during the three-hour, star-studded show. Throughout his performance, Jay-Z and company celebrated coming together and ending unnecessary conflict. "This is for hip-hop," the rapper proclaimed. "We love y'all!"

Before performing "Dead Presidents" together with Nas (Jay-Z sampled Nas' voice for the track on "Reasonable Doubt") Jay-Z teased the crowd, stating that an earlier reunion between Sean "Diddy" Combs and estranged rapper the Lox (now known as D-Block) had motivated him. He shouted, "Let's go Esco!" and Nas arrived on stage to deafening applause.

Afterwards, the two rappers stood side-by-side for nearly two minutes as the crowd cheered. Nas then performed a roughly 15-minute set that included "Street Dreams," "The World Is Yours" and "Hate Me Now," which saw a reunion between he and Diddy. Kanye West, Diddy and Jay-Z then reconnected with Nas for Jay-Z's "Encore" to cap the night."

So... is it just me or does this read like a really unfunny Onion article?

Damn it. It's not true. I don't believe it.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So... not... cool

This guy = NOT ready for the zombie apocalypse.

http://www.alldumb.com/item/11984/

Boy... Boy... Boy... Oh Boy

"WASHINGTON (AP) -- New York rapper Cam'ron was shot and wounded during a botched carjacking near a waterfront night spot, his manager said Sunday.

The artist, who was recovering at Howard University Hospital, had stopped at a traffic light shortly after midnight when a man attempted to steal his Lamborghini, said his manager, Big Joe.

When Cam'ron refused to give up the car and attempted to drive away, the gunman fired a single shot that passed through both of Cam'ron's arms, said Lynn Hobson, a spokeswoman for his label, Diplomat Records."

Is it okay to wish that he had been non-fatally shot in the voice box?

Holy Shit, it was Fat Albert!

Has anyone else seen this? What an odd little movie. The main "You Got Served" dude played Dumb Donald, so that was awesome. Keenan Thompson very ably played the title role, but I'm a "Keenan and Kel" mark, so your mileage may vary.

Okay, basic premise is, this little high schooler has no friends, so she cries while watching "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids" on TV, which causes all of the animated characters to GO OFF SCRIPT and come through the TV set to find out what's wrong. The little girl does NOT shoot them all dead on sight. Instead, she reluctantly befriends them, even taking them to school with her. All of them.

So, Fat Albert falls for the little girl's older foster sister (no idea why you'd adopt someone older than your real kid), and love blossoms because it's what's on the inside that counts.

But OH SNAP! The ex-cartoon's colors are starting to fade. Seriously. So they have to go back into the TV before they become "celluloid dust" as Bill Cosby puts it so eloquently.

But Fat Albert has found love, and is not easily convinced. But for reasons I've already forgotten, he goes anyway, and lives on in cartoon form. And the little girl now has friends... somehow. It wasn't explored very much once the B-plot about Albert's relationship took over.

Anyway, this movie did not own. I saw it so you don't have to. I don't want my sacrifice to be in vain, chumps.

PEACE!

Countdown to Bound for Glory: 3 Days

While the entire lineup, photo galleries, promo video clips, and other such things are all available at http://www.tnawrestling.com/ , I'm bringing the personal touch, by highlighting another of the feature matches heading your way this Sunday, at TNA Wrestling's "Bound for Glory."

The Return Of “The Ultimate X” For The #1 Contender To The X Championship: Matt Bentley vs. Petey Williams vs. Chris Sabin

Matt Bentley, aka Shawn Michaels's nephew or cousin or something, is the self proclaimed master of the Ultimate X match, seen below. He won the first two versions of the innovative high wire bout by climbing hand over hand across a cable to retrieve the giant "X" suspended in the center. On Sunday, he's back to win the match that made him... sort of notable, and to claim top contention for the X Division Championship.


Okay, so it's a belt in this case, not a big red "X". I SWEAR it exists. I'll prove it!


Yeah, fine. That's Matt Bentley, again without the big red "X". I SWEAR IT'S REAL, THOUGH! Andrew's seen it!

Aside from Bentley, also competing in the match is Petey Williams, former X Division Champion, captain of Team Canada, and the man who delivers perhaps the most spectacularly goofy move in the history of wrestling, "The Canadian Destroyer."


That's Petey Williams. No, he's not holding a giant red "X" either, but there's one on his belt. Does that count for anything?

Rounding out the match is Detroit, Michigan's own... Mick Collins.


Can Collins hold the match together with his superior ring psychology? YOU FIND OUT!

Okay, that's bullshit. Mick Collins isn't going to be wrestling. But the other competitor IS from Michigan, and he is... CHRIS SABIN!


Hey, there's the big red "X!" I feel like Grover on the last pages of "There's a Monster at the End of This Book." Good for me.

So, the date, Sunday, October 23rd. The place, mine. The time, 7:30 pm. The event: TNA Wrestling Presents BOUND FOR GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Countdown to Bound for Glory: 4 Days

For the next four days, I'm going to make one post regarding this Sunday's TNA "Bound for Glory" ppv, and hype up one match in particular each day. Today's featured attraction? Let's start with a big one.

For the TNA X Division Championship: "The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels challenges "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles in a 30 minute Iron Man Match.

This is actually a rematch of an absolutely astonishing Iron Man match they had in February at the TNA pay per view "Against All Odds", watched by Davekwon and myself. It was super rad. Here's a couple of pictures from that.


Thank you Satan! - Lee Masheter, January 10th, 2004


I have nothing funny to add to this picture


The hard won victory

TNA! TNA! TNA!

Oh, it's Tuesday

And that means... TELEVISION

New episodes of "My Name Is Earl," "The Office," "Gilmore Girls," "Boston Legal," and a baseball themed re-run of "House" from last season that I didn't catch the first time around. Truly, my life is full and glorious.

The Content You've Come to Expect

Thanks to Cody, the best friend you've never met a guy could ever have, I became aware of the industry of the BOMB POP. Now, you all remember this, right?



Lemony, cherry...y, blue...y, and most of all, damn patriotic. The original Bomb Pop has stood the test of time for as long as I can remember, and I can't imagine a summer without it. Well, as it turns out, that's not the only thing the Bomb Pop people make. Check this shit out!



Yes, it's a Powerpuff Girl. I'm not a very good nerd because I don't know offhand which one it is (Buttercup?), but it certainly looks just like her, whoever she is.



Why does he have green eyes? I don't understand. Cody made me put this in. I wasn't really too impressed by it.



SOOOOO the drama! L0lz. M I Rite? Again with the huge green eyes. Bomb Pop Corp. must just have a lot of really old unusable green dye sitting around. This one doesn't look that great, but I want to marry Kim Possible, so she needed to be here.



The only thing this creation leads me to is the simple question: Melissa Joan Hart; Lebanese? I hope so.

And finally...



TAADAH! Okay, here's why this warrants inclusion over say, the Light Saber Bomb Pop. There is just nothing about this bar that would make me think it has anything to do with Nascar. They couldn't shape it like a car? They couldn't make the chocolate shell red or give it a gasoliney odor? Laziness.

I sense a return to form with that entry. Hope I'm not being too cocky. Thanks to Cody for the inspiration. Truly, you are my muse in all facets of life.

A completely random picture that cracked my shit up

Ronald McDonald giving someone an inverted Death Valley Driver might just haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

Andy quits RAW; Bradley Cooper DOWN!

Okay. I think I'm pretty much officially just a TNA fan as far as televised wrestling is concerned. Tonight's "main event," featuring Linda McMahon inexplicably (and no, that doesn't mean I WANT an explanation) turning on Jim Ross and firing him, looks to be the straw that broke the camel's back. After roughly eight years of loyal viewership, I'm finished with WWE for a while. Very little wrestling and bad booking leading to matches I don't want to see, or in the case of the Linda/JR thing, not leading to a match at all, is just too much to handle. Peace outside, WWE. TNA, I'm here for ya. Bound For Glory, October 23rd, it's gonna be awesome.



In other news, FOX axed "Kitchen Confidential" after three episodes. I liked the two that I saw, so I'm kind of bummed about that, but I think people are still getting used to the idea of single camera comedies. Something tells me that John Francis Daley will make it out unscathed, though.


Cuz you know he's a P-I-M-P.

The Dream I Done Dreamt Last Night

So, I'm on the school bus with Julia, and there's an LL Cool J/Das Efx collaboration album playing over the speakers, and she's getting off the bus way after I am, and I keep hoping I'll be on long enough for her to hear this one particular song (the album was mine, you see). But she wasn't, and I had to take the album and split.

Now I'm walking through this canyon, carrying a wooden snake (What do you call a paralyzed snake? ROPE!), and I get stopped by this sheriff who says that it's illegal contraband or somesuch. So I get home, and now the illegal contraband has transmogrified into a blanket with bubbles in it. And the sheriff is coming to my crib to do a spot search. I take a garlic press to the blanket to smooth it out, and after he shows up, noone's the wiser. EXCEPT...

He's really AN EVIL GENIE!

No, seriously.

So, we get transported to his big old house, and if I can't defeat him in two days, I'll have to be stuck there forever, like the other two people who are there with him. And the way to defeat him? The 1991 Cleveland Cavaliers have to beat the Boston Celtics of the same year in a basketball game the following day. And he was very clear to point out, "No Genesis controllers."

In the meantime, I meet and fall in love with one of the other prisoners, who helps me scout the Celtics. "Oh, Brad Dougherty's got that on lock. Boston's got nothin' for him!"

Then, the day of the game comes, and the genie confines himself to his lamp so he can't unfairly influence the outcome of the game. I guess that would have been a perfect time to bust out the Genesis controller, but alas, I didn't think that far ahead. Anyway, I decide to invite a bunch of people over, most of whom I don't know at all, but Lee and Franz show up, as does Damon (because, let's face it, he's everyfuckin'where.)

Remember the girl I fell in love with? Well, you're doing better than me if you do, because I pretty much blow her off for another fly bitch. I get caught with my hand in the cookie jar fairly quickly though, as she has somehow turned into a 2-liter bottle of pop and observes me steppin' out on her. There's a funny bit as I at first think she's the empty bottle of diet soda and thusly assume that she's dead. No, as it turns out, she's the bottle of flat, regular cola. I had some 'splainin to do.

The game starts, but the people at the house are more interested in watching some weird amalgamation between Wrestlemania XIII and Wrestlemania XVI, which was apparently also on live. I pleaded my case to watch the game, but Lee said, "We can check it when there's a bad match on." He said this in the middle of Rikishi and Kane versus X-Pac and Road Dogg.

Finally we got to check on the score, and the Mark Price to Larry Nance connection was automatic. Nance had 45 points, Price had 20 assists, and it looked like I was well on my way to being free of the genie. And then...

I was. The game ended, the guests went home, the Cavs beat the Celtics by a comfortable margin. Reggie Lewis dropped dead on the court. Okay, he didn't. That would have been a lot more climactic, though. Sadly, this really odd dream just kind of ended, not with a bang, but a whimper.

What's Doin' On the 22nd?

With Studio 35 actually being fiscally responsible (otherwise known as MEAN) and not holding a horror marathon this year, that leaves the Drexel Grandview as the location for the INCREDIBLE 2 HEADED MARATHON. I'm not making that title up. I will wear my Studio 35 marathon shirt from last year in silent protest, just so I can be as much of a hypocrite as humanly possible.

Anyway, it's a 14 hour deal, running from 10 pm on Saturday until 12 pm on Sunday. Tickets are $16 in advance, $20 at the door. You can buy them at the Drexel Grandview or the Drexel East, but the easiest way to get them is probably by going over to the Laughing Ogre, since their hours aren't 5-11, like those ridiculous movie theaters. Below is the lineup. And yes, it's a lot of obscure European and Asian shit, and I apologize for that. Apparently the guy who organizes it and books the movies is kind of a wank. But it's the only game in town.

The OHIO PREMIERE of THREE EXTREMES! The groundbreaking horror omnibus from Takashi (AUDITION) Miike, Chan-Wook (OLDBOY) Park and Fruit Chan!

A 25th Anniversary screening of Stanley Kubrick's THE SHINING!

A rare 35mm screening of the Italian cut of Mario Bava's BLACK SABBATH!

Oliver Reed and Samantha Eggar in David Cronenberg's disturbing classic THE BROOD!

Lamberto Bava's gonzo gorefest at a horror marathon DEMONS!

Lycanthropy runs wild in the infamous LEGEND OF THE WOLFWOMAN!

From the vaults of Hollywood sleaze maven Johnny Legend comes KUNG FU CANNIBALS!

So yeah. Lots of horror. Woogie boogie. Who's in?

As usual, I bow to the Wilmer

Fez has done it again, faithful Napdaddy nation. Wilmer Valderrama is reportedly pretty cozy with Jamie Pressly righ tnow, not to mention one I missed before she hooked up with that NBA frog she's with now, Eva Longoria.

Has there ever been a more impressive human achievement than the laundry list of starlets that Fez has run through? The answer... is no. Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, all have fallen to the Wilmer. Many more will fall after. THAT is a man, folks.


Yeah, I'd still put the blast on that.

Monday: Biggest Friggin' Night of Stuff Ever

Pre blog note: I've decided to keep Dave's blog entry on the page, pretty much as an advertisement of his own little-updated triumph of a journal that can be located at the following address: http://davekwon.blogspot.com

--As the post title indicated, there's a lot of stuff tomorrow night. Here's the rundown.

8:00 pm: "WWE Monday Night RAW" returns to the USA Network with HHH, Mick Foley, Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan returning for a three-hour special with Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels in a 30:00 Iron man match, Matt Hardy vs. Edge in a loser leaves Raw ladder match, John Cena vs. Eric Bischoff for the WWE title, Diva Search Ashley & Trish Stratus vs. Victoria & Torrie Wilson & Diva Search Candice Michelle in a handicap bra and panties match and a lot more surprises including some form of a six-way Smackdown match with Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Batista, JBL, Chris Benoit and Christian.

9:00 pm: "UFC Ultimate Fight Night II" is live from Las Vegas with David Loiseau vs. Evan Tanner, Chris Leben vs. Edwin Dewees and Josh Koscheck vs. Drew Fickett as the top matches.

11:00 pm: Another first-run episode of "The Ultimate Fighter" airs on Spike, with heavyweights up for elimination and Team Hughes having to send one of their welterweights over to Team Franklin. This season hasn't been nearly as good as the first, partially because of the ponderous heavyweight fights and partly due to a lack of compelling personalities, but last week's fight was good, so they've got some momentum.

11:00 pm: USA airs an hour long special on the greatest RAW moments in the show's seven-year history on the station. Could be fun, could be hella lame. Hard to say.

12:00 am: The first episode of "TNA Impact" on Spike TV re-airs.

So yeah, that's a fuckton of stuff for a wrestling/MMA fan. Thank God for DVR. As it is, I'm already having to sacrifice "Kitchen Confidential" for the week. Anyhow, those that are going to be coming over, show up at around 8:00 pm.

PEACE

Apparently my blogs haven't been showing up...

I've blogged hundreds of times, but they're just not getting posted for some reason. Somehow Craig Krenzel and his wicked OSU cohorts have tapped into my blog and been blocking them out! So I hired Tim Biakabatuka and Leroy Hoard to kill all that noise and put an end to Krenzels evil scheme to keep my all important information from reaching the world.
So here's a quick recap of what's been going on in my life...
Back then they didn't know me, now I'm hot they all on me, Target sucks for the most part, Russ Thorn Massacred a slumber party, 4 broken PS2 controllers since the purchase of NCAA Football 06, OSU SUCKS, Hook 'Em Horns, Michigan is Great, I hate Notre Dame and Wisconsin, Pizza is good, Jonathan is Gray, Herbie Fully Loaded was a cinematic masterpiece, God Bless Lindsay Lohans Boobs, CursedGu is wack, not to be confused with this fall's smash reality hit "House of Wacks", Thanks NightRanger, Krenzel is no longer a Bear, Huggins got fired, Crushes on girls are fun, Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love, me, I'm not a lover or a hater, I'm just a Dave.
The KOV+1-1+Jonathan is doing well without me. I'm sure I'll never be reinstated, and rightly so. Peace outside.

Why Cody rules

So, as mentioned previously, I got a new computer. And thanks to Adam's suggestion, I actually got it set up and everything. So it was doing all of it's automatic updates and whatnot overnight, and it did a restart, at which point AIM ran on its own. So I got a lot of messages from people over the next ten hours or so, the best of which were without a doubt from my Sooner pal, COOOOOOODY. Here he is, rippin' shit.

Cody: Holy crap.

Cody: But, you're idle.

Cody: Figures.

Cody: That's just like you.

Cody: !!!!!!!!!!

Cody: If I were friends with Steve Harvey, I'd call him Starvey.

Cody signed off at 2:32:06 PM.

WOW. Starvey. You can't make that stuff up, folks. Right from Cody's keyboard to my blog. I am in awe of his off-the-cuffedness. (Bows)

UPDATE/EDIT: I just saw screencaps of Ella Enchanted's titties from some nude scene she did that isn't being released, and HOT DAMN she has some nice breasteseseseses.

http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/2005/09/30/anne_hathaway_is_nude_in_havoc.html

New Computer

Yes, I have a new PC, and it is glorious. One problem... I have no idea why it won't connect to the Internet (typing this with the lappy). So, who's coming over to help?

X-Box shivers and Coca Cola Ads

--I've been without my X-Box for nearly a week and I have yet to suffer one significant case of the "shakes." I do have a hankering for guiding my Reds of Cincinnati through the 2030 season right about now, but I think I can overcome it. One day at a time and all that jazz. I can do it.

--Has anyone seen the newish Coca Cola advertisement that they're running at the theaters lately? The one with the kids making the "documentary" that amounts to a lot of film of them staring contemplatitively out into the sunset, usually while sitting on the hood of a beat up car. I guess it's trying to be a road trip chronicle, with the harrowing journey taking them to underground radio stations and bicycle repair shops, as well as hitting on very eh" chicks who we're supposed to think are God's gift And it always ends with them giving each other one of those lame, clueless white boy handshakes and drinking Cokes.

Who are they marketing this thing to? I didn't live like that at 15, nor did anyone I know. Seriously, why does Coca Cola even need to advertise anymore? Don't they own 5 continents at this point anyway?

No good jokes about Indiana

On Friday, Funky D and me (not Mac and me)


AAAAAAAAH!!!!! THE HORROR!

Anyway, on Friday, Funky D and me ventured to the land of the KKK and basketball, the state that Daylight Savings Time forgot... Indiana! Guess what? Indianapolis is pretty far when you're going AND coming back on the same night.

We saw two bands. First up was Something for Rockets, fronted by the big haired progeny of violin virtuoso Itzhak Perlman. They rocked enough for me to throw money their way. I like buying CDs at shows for small bands. Not because I believe in supporting struggling artists, but because they truly appreciate you spending money on their music, t-shirts, whatever. Also, it's fun to toy with them.

"How much is a t-shirt?"

"Fifteen."

"And this CD?"

"Ten."

"Hm... alright. Give me one of those free stickers."

I've never actually done that. I should start though.

The headlining band was the Benevento Russo Duo, and I had never heard them play. Andrew loaned me one of their CDs and I never got around to listening to it. However, I told him that I listened to it and liked it very much because he wouldn't have felt good about dragging me with him otherwise. And you know what? For masturbatory, wordless insturmentation that goes on for, per song, about fifteen minutes longer than it should, they were pretty good. I even almost hit on a girl. I had a great chat up line all ready to go, and then she walked away. Trick. Let's see... what else? We smoked a lot of Kools. Yep. Kools. Because nothin' says "flavor country" like finely minced glass pretending to be mint. Andrew claims that he'll be reconstituting a backboard any day now. If he actually does it, I'll have to switch to Kools full time until we can play full-court.

RASSLIN

PLEASE watch the first episode of TNA Impact on Saturday at 11 pm on Spike TV. I know it's not exactly a prime television watching hour, but try to tape it at least. I really think this company can be a success. Also, I plan on ordering more TNA ppvs than WWE ppvs in the next year or so, so for those of you who enjoy watching the ppvs at my house, it would probably be to your benefit to become familiar with the TNA wrestlers and storylines.

Anyway, I'm out for now. Peace.

Normal Again (4X5)

I'm still sort of freaking out about still not having a job, but I'm coping better.

TV NEWS!

"My Name is Earl" is the friggin' bomb. I kind of felt bad to see Ethan Suplee looking so rough, though. He dropped like a hundred pounds but now he's going bald. I guess you're doomed to that kind of hair loss when you're Vader's kid.

The second season of the US "The Office" is looking promising as well. Maybe Steve Carell's new fame will propel that show to the viewership that it deserves.

And in something that should shock absolutely no one who's even watched five minutes of one episode, "Over There" is still the best thing on television.

Thank you.

I finalized the sale of my X-Box to my sister today. It will be a sad farewell, but I'm strapped for cash, so what can you do? So many memories, though.

And I leave you with this, a quote from the Casper Star Tribune:

"IDAHO FALLS, Idaho (AP) -- An Idaho weatherman says Japan's Yakuza mafia used a Russian-made electromagnetic generator to cause Hurricane Katrina in a bid to avenge itself for the Hiroshima atom bomb attack -- and that this technology will soon be wielded again to hit another U.S. city."

Yep. I certainly couldn't have led with that.

A cry for help

Somebody hire me. Please. I'm going crazy.

Also, the Red Sox might be out of the money in the playoff picture. THANK GOD.

More Hype for October 3rd!

If you're like me, you've probably wondered how WWE plans to fill three hours on the October 3rd RAW Homecoming to USA. Well, wonder no more!

"Monday Night RAW will be heading back home to the USA Network on Oct. 3. The historic three-hour RAW will start at 7:55 p.m. ET.

Many former WWE Champions will be making their return to RAW for "The WWE Homecoming" on Oct. 3, including Stone Cold Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan Mick Foley and the return of Triple H.

All of this is in addition to Mr. McMahon, WWE Champion John Cena, Shawn Michaels, Kurt Angle, Ric Flair and a host of WWE legends being a part of the historic, star-studded evening. Many legends already confirmed for Oct. 3 include:

"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Jimmy Hart, Hillbilly Jim, Superstar Billy Graham, The Iron Sheik, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Fabulous Moolah, Mae Young, Harley Race, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, Chief Jay Strongbow, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, Nikolai Volkoff and Koko B. Ware."

KOBO B. WARE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Here's my only problem. Where the Hell is Ricky Steamboat? He works for the company, so why the Hell isn't he gonna be on the show?

How Nintendo Finally Died

Fuck you, Nintendo. I was excited about your stupid system too.

The only possible positive I can take from this is that tilted, the controller in the right hand is more or less an NES controller, so maybe it's an emphasis on classic gaming. Nintendo has never been a company afraid to give everybody in the industry the finger and embark on a new path, but this is pushing it. Supposedly the joystick is motion sensitive. So basically, only non cross-platform titles will be affected, because no third party like EA is going to develop a specific Revolution version just to allow for the motion sensitivity. Basically, Revolution exclusive first person shooters is the only genre where this feature has a real advantage (and I hate FPS').

On the other hand, it doesn't have very many buttons, so Andrew will probably like it.

The Dream I Had Four Nights Ago

So, I had this dream a few nights back and really didn't think much of it. It was kind of weird, but it's not like there were zombpires or anything. Remember my zombpire dream from last year? Ah, that was a good one. Anyway, usually if I don't write it down or make a concerted effort to commit it to memory, my dreams fade away. This one hasn't. That probably doesn't mean anything. One time about six years ago I dreamed I was killing Franz with a rubber novelty mallet, for instance. I never actually did it. Anyway (part two), this is what I remember of the dream. Prepare to be underwhelmed.

The basic set up is, I'm riding my bike along the side of the freeway (the freeway is adjacent to the woods in my dream, so there's a path I can safely ride along on), and Jonathan/Shadow is with me, riding on my back. If I could have chosen, I would have put him in a basket attached to the bicycle, but I wasn't consulted. So, there we are, me and Jonathan, riding along, when no less than a WOLF starts chasing us. We rode away, but the wolf kept pace with us pretty well and then started to appear in front of us. This required a lot of turning around and doubling back, and President Meowington was very frightened. Eventually, the wolf bit me. It was a really wussy bite though, and I was kind of disappointed that my subconscious regards wolves as so benign. After all, if I ever meet one, I kind of hope that I'll be smart enough to fear the Hell out of it. But that's beside the point. Jonathan and me finally get off the freeway and to a huge McDonalds, where he is drawn to the ball pit. So we play in the ball pit and on the slide for a while, and that was pretty much it.

So yeah, nothing real special as a dream, except it seems that in dreams I view Jonathan as Dave does in real life (which is disturbing on more than one level). Anyhow, the President was safe and sound at the end, and McDonald's ball pits are as awesome as your imagination wants them to be.

Classic Content

So, here's a transcript of an Undertaker circa August 1999 promo. I don't really know how to lead into it anymore, but it's an absolute must read. I had forgotten the particulars of the promo until I saw this, but man does that ever take me back. Lee and Keith are sure to enjoy it muchly.

"Play time's over, sit down and shut up. Later on tonight, there's gonna be a match for the tag team titles between the Acolytes and X-Pac & Kane, whatever whatever, it's not important. The fact of the matter is, this Sunday at Summerslam the winner of that match will come face to face with this. And to make sure that my man was right, this week I put him to the test. I had Paul Bearer call out to California - San Fernando Valley to some associates of ours at the Local 81 - Paul said we're gonna need two bikes for a ride in the desert. The guy said 'Brother Paul, now we know that the Dead Man can handle it, but I don't know about the Big Show. It's August, it's 120 degrees in the middle of Death Valley.' He says 'the only things that survive in the desert are the cold-blooded...the snakes and the lizards.' Paul said 'that's all right, and in one of those bikes that you're setting up for us, I want you the Big Show to only have enough gas to get to the middle of the desert and not get back.' So we're on our way - we get to the middle of Death Valley - 120 degrees, the Big Show's bike runs out of gas. And I pull up next to him and I ask him this question: 'It's 120 degrees, how are you gonna survive?' He looks me straight in the eyes, without hesitation, he says 'I'm gonna wait 'til you go to sleep, I'm gonna stab you in the back, I'm gonna cut your flesh off, make a coat out of it, and I'm gonna eat YOUR flesh until I find food.' I said 'Good answer big man, but I don't sleep,' and I drove off and left him. I waited on the outskirts of the desert. Two days later, he walks out with a snake necktie and lizard boots, carryin' his Harley-Davidson on his shoulder. The point of the story is this. What used to be known as SummerSlam will now be known as Armageddon, and whoever shows up...will be hurt."

Too bad Big Show never wore the tie and boots on camera. That would have made for a good visual.

HYPE! RSVP! MONDAY, OCTOBER 3rd!

So... how are you all today? Me? I'm super. Because today I begin the process of amping up my peeps for the very first "Monday Night Raw" on the USA Network in more than five years. That's right. Raw is heading back to its homeland, and it's bringing a three hour Nitro-riffic special edition with it. Vince McMahon, Triple H, Hulk Hogan, Mick Foley, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin will all appear, and with the new Monday Night War between WWE and UFC brewing, Raw promises to be one Hell of a show on this night.

So here's my plea. Current wrestling fans, lapsed wrestling fans, come together this one night and join me in partying and freaking out!

The New Plan

Okay, so Emily Rose apparently sucks. But here's the scoop; movies are still a go, only now it's "Aristocrats" at the Drexel East, at 9:45. Any takers?

Scurry Movie

EDIT: Emily Rose is some sort of wack ass courtroom drama, not a straight up horror movie. Fuck that noise. Plan's off.

Monday evenings must piss off the management types at the Lennox something fierce. It's a pretty slow place around that time. Which is GREAT news for me and my ilk, because it's a perfect time to go see opening week flicks without the hustle and bustle of wack ass crowds.

In that spirit, at least Davekwon and I are heading out this evening to catch "The Exorcism of Emily Rose." It's on at both 7:15 and 8:30, so those seem like the most likely times to catch the archaic Catholic rituals in action. Any takers? Adam, Andrew, April, Ashley, Chops, Cody, Franz, Jason, Keith, Kehn, Lee, Lucas, Mandy, Bueller?

As noted before, either call me or reply here, because I can't access E-mail or Myspace from home.

Basketball>football

Basketball, specifically NCAA basketball, is far superior to the same brand of football, and I'll tell you why. EVERYTHING DOESN'T DEPEND ON YOUR SECOND GAME OF THE SEASON. Hasta la vista, national championship aspirations. Maybe they can still win the conference. The Bucks screwed the Bucks.

"Ring the fucking bell!"

Everybody Hates Gilligan

Poor Bob Denver. Only Adam came through with the loving comments.

Onward and upward though, as it's halftime of the Ohio State/Texas game and the Buckeyes are in the driver's seat with a 16-13 lead at the moment. I thought I'd take the opportunity to supply the fresh content that you all dig so much.

Before I go on, is anyone interested in seeing tomorrow night's TNA ppv? It's a pretty stacked card (get it? Stacked, TNA? Ah, I make with the jokes that jeep you laufing and laufing) but I don't really feel like ordering it just for Andrew and I. Respond here if there's interest, or gimme a ring, because the server settings imposed by Kraft have barred me from using AIM, Myspace and E-mail.

I was talking to Davekwon throughout the 4th quarter of the Michigan/Notre Dame embarassment, and as I couldn't reach him to gloat about Troy Smith's bomb ass TD pass in the second quarter of the OSU game, I have to assume that he followed up on his threats and took 38 sleeping pills. We'll miss you, Davekwon. Maybe Michigan can beat the Buckeyes in Heaven. But probably not.

I found out that all of my beloved FX shows that I wrote about this past week are having their season finales in the next few days. What's up with these abbreviated seasons? It's bullshit. Dick Van Dyke had 30 episodes in a season by gum, and it was always funny!

Kevin Nash is playing Jamie Pressley's dad in a movie. Seriously. It's the movie version of "Dead or Alive", with Pressley playing Tina and Nash playing the other wrestler. I forget his name, but he always reminded me a lot of Hogan, at least cosmetically. I just think that's funny. I hope Nash Presses her... Jamie?

With the Ultimate Fighter reality show on Spike, and live UFC specials airing more frequently, coupled with RAW's departure from Spike back to USA, not to mention TNA getting a real cable deal in filling the WWE-less void on Spike, it's shaping up as a great time to be a pro wrestling/mixed martial arts fan. All I can say is, if you like MMA, you're in for a great next ten or so years, because the sport is set to absolutely explode.

Anyway, time to get back to the normal sports world. Go Bucks.

RIP Maynard G. Krebs

While he's the worst of the two famous dead people named after an awesome Colorado city, I'll always have a place in my heart for Bob Denver. I remember moving back to Columbus from Fairfield County in 1990 and getting cable for the first time (since I was 2, at least). All I watched was Nick at Nite and "WWF Superstars", pretty much right up until "Rugrats" debuted in 1993. Anyway, aside from the standards like "Bewitched", "the Dick Van Dyke Show" and "Donna Reed", there was "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis". I LOVED that show. Loved it like, yes, a fat kid loves cake. I don't remember anything about it aside from Dobie frequently visiting the statue of "The Thinker", and Bob Denver's awesome goatee, but I loved it. So when Nick at Nite took it off the air and started running wack ass "Gilligan's Island", I was understandably pissed. Primarily because "Gilligan's Island" is a terrible, terrible show. I predict that somebody will forget that in the next couple years and make a big screen adaptation, but it won't stop being true. So Bob, you'll always be Maynard G. Krebs to me. Peace outside.

TV Party

If you're anything like me (and God help you if you are), fall means NEW STUFF TO DRY YOUR EYEBALLS OUT ON CRTs (Thanks, Franz). While I'm still trying to find the right approach to take to starting "Rome", I've got two episodes DVRed and ready to rock whenever the mood strikes me. In the meantime, "Prison Break" has debuted and it is FABULOUS. In two episodes, this show has taught me many things. Things like; Robin Tunney is still hot; Brett Ratner knows what he's doing every once in a while; Stacy Keach plays a better hardass than anyone on the planet; Peter Stormare (the Devil in "Constantine") takes almost fifteen minutes of screen time to recognize; the guy who played the bible thumping pitcher in "Major League" ("You tryin' to tell me that Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?") is still alive and looking exactly the same as he did sixteen years ago; riots happen in prison all the time, and they're always broken up in like thirty seconds; and finally, Dominic Purcell, who played the ancient vampire in Ashley's top pick of the year, "Blade: Trinity", can act! So "Prison Break" gets a million billion stars from me, partly for being conventional enough to be comfortable, and partly for breaking convention enough to stand out on network TV.

I haven't mentioned it on here before, but I've been digging the Hell out of the three new FX shows that launched about five weeks back; "Over There", "Starved", and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

"Over There" is uncomfortable to watch sometimes because it's about a war that we're still involved in, after all. And there's no guarantees on how it's going to end. But it gets my highest reccomendation after an episode from two weeks ago that featured not only Zack FUCKING Morris, but also the fat, redheaded kid from "The Sandlot". Unfortunately he is now neither a kid nor fat, but nothing lasts forever. It was a one and done for him, sadly, playing a medic in a bit part. Ol' Zacky played an embedded reporter in back to back episodes though, and in possibly the saddest/coolest thing I've ever seen on television, got his head graphically lopped off by some insurgents.

"Starved" is pretty much "Sex and the City" for guys with eating disorders. I don't even know how else to describe it. It's just funny.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is a harmless like half hour comedy about three twenty-something buddies who own a bar in East Philly. Hijinx ensue.

So yeah, it's been a good TV season so far. "Over There" is definitely my runaway favorite show so far, but with "Gilmore Girls" starting back up next week, all bets are off. Because I'm a queer.

So what's doin' it for you all, TV wise?

Until next time, you've been blogged.

Chicka-chicka-chicka

Chick tracts are the literary equivalent to those "Harmless?" marijuana ads.

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1025/1025_01.asp

Oh, it's BACK! Smackdown!

Been a while since I've done one of these so AWAAAAAAAAAAY we go!

WHAT WORKED

To start us off on a tasteful note, I hope that Heidenreich’s dad managed to hitch a ride on Fats Domino’s supple, bloated corpse.

The Rewind reminds me of how much I like Hardcore Holly right now, crappy full nelson slam and all.

It’s Bob Orton and his awesome music! His voice sounds butched up so he must read the column. He’s finger dancing to Randy’s shitty nu-rock theme! This kind of goes downhill from here. Randy’s gonna fight Rey, apparently and I’m soooo down with that. Randy sometimes seems to forget what he’s supposed to say, but his delivery is always smooth enough to save it. If they would just let guys cut their own promos he would probably be top tier.

This 50 year old Bowflex grandmother is gonna wear my wrist out one of these weeks.

Everybody keeps telling me how great this new Incredible Hulk game is supposed to be, and it does LOOK pretty cool, but the chances of it being good just seem SOOOO low.

I kind of want to see that Jessica Alba diving after lost gold movie.

Yes! The “hey, here’s something that might have something to do with smoking weed but probably has more to do with you being an idiot” are back. I’ve missed those.

Charisma Carpenter is on “Veronica Mars” this coming season, and I still want to plow her with my hideous love.

Teddy Long seems to be taking mess from this Network guy. That’s in direct opposition to the lyrics of the Teddy Long song. Don’t know it? “Teddy Long don’t take no messsssssssss!” That’s it, really. Long announcing Guerrero versus Mysterio in a cage makes this whole thing work.

Here comes Christian w/busted nose to put in his two cents on commentary. Yes! Booker T versus Mr. Kennedy! Ken Kennedy is totally my new favorite wrestler. How did he swing David Lee Roth for his theme music? I guess Ken Kennedy’s got it like that. Booker with a heinous attack, jumping Kennedy at the bell. What a jerk. Sharmell’s McGuffys distract me for a few seconds but this match seems to be going along well enough. I would like to take a moment to thank Christian for his brave efforts in working through a deviated septum. That’s a (Can)American hero. Match is starting to slow down as Kennedy isn’t yet adept at working such a long heat segment. He’s much better on the back and forth exchanges. That finisher (rolling Samoan Drop from the middle turnbuckle) is really a sight to see, though. Booker needs to get his ho in line because he’s got a heck of a losing streak going. Looks like they’re really gonna try to go as far as they can with Kennedy. Fine by me.

Simon Dean on a Segway works because anybody on a Segway is funny by default. Batista is apparently on the Simon System. So... Simon Dean is Zahorian, Batista is Hogan, and I guess Vince McMahon is still Vince McMahon. Yeah. For all three of you who get that, I thank you for your applause. I am a super dork. I still don’t understand why they need to ruin perfectly good wrestling entrance themes with lyrics. If a song debuts with lyrics, great. But having Our Lady Peace add supposed meaning to Chris Benoit’s ditty hasn’t done anything for him, and whatever shitty band they gave the rights to ruin Batista’s music to isn’t doing much for him either. Okay, Batista isn’t bad at comedy, but he’s just the wrong guy to be doing it. Having him doing schtick with Simon Dean is every bit as harmful as letting Goldust put a wig on Goldberg. That’s what happens when you have people writing a wrestling show who don’t understand what wrestling fans want to see. I’ll let this stay up here for the Segway, and because most of what’s up here above the meridian is commercials.

REGAL! And it’s Paul Burchill! Wow he’s big. And way more cut than I remember him being in Ohio Valley. And oh boy are Funaki and Scotty gonna get murdered. Burchull can really bounce around for such a huge guy. Burchill procures... the... CRAVATE and I party and freak out. Regal’s Exploder is nice but that’s to be expected. Funaki is pretty ineffectual in getting Burchill to release the Fujiwara armbar on Scotty after the match. “You know, if it’s not too much trouble, you could just let – oh, okay. That’s cool. I’m gonna go get a soda.”

“The Exorcism of Emily Rose” trailer freaks me out a lot. It’s the same kind of feeling I had about “The Ring” trailer back in the ’02.

Eddy is cutting a promo backstage, behind the steel cage mesh. That’s so old school. The desperate man with nothing to lose angle on this match is just phenomenal. Eddy Guerrero understands the Professional Wrestling better than I or anyone else ever could. Having said that, I hope this is the end of the feud. It’s been great, but I don’t think they’ve wrestled anyone but each other for the past six months. Time for a change.

Orton/Mysterio is starting at 9:40, so this looks to be the commercial break match. Hey, if these two are going long, I see no potential for anything short of an awesome match. Orton is great using his power to overwhelm Rey at the beginning. The encouragement he seeks from his father is excellent, too. The height difference is a little off putting, but Rey is just so great that it doesn’t matter. Rey takes his chest first slide bump to the floor, and I think it’s been a while for that one. Great stuff as we go to commercial. Back in the ring, Orton’s wrenching in a GREAT standing chinlock on Rey, as Smackdown for once doesn’t edit out the transition. Even with a mask, Rey is marvelous selling the possibility of losing to a CHINLOCK. Orton pulls down his kneepad to drop a knee on Rey’s throat, and I’m reminded of Greg Valentine, which makes me love this match even more. Randy selling his forehead and knee simultaneously on Rey’s low dropick is a thing of beauty. This guy gets it. Randy with the old school atomic drop and you really don’t see enough of that anymore. He even drops to his knees for a European uppercut just to emphasize the size disparity. I... love... Randy... Orton. Long chinlock segment doesn’t seem out of place as it’s just good strategy for Orton to try to slow Mysterio down. It almost seems like Randy must stay up at night thinking of new ways to bump for moves. Randy’s placement of the dropkick was weird, as he hit Rey in the chest when he’s been working on the head and neck. Maybe he misjudged the height. Rey takes the European uppercut late in the match like a champ, bumping back on his neck. Rey does sort of a reverse Hennig necksnap that I’ve never seen before. It looked nice, though. I’m surprised that Randy hasn’t busted out more of his power moveset. If ever there were a time for it, it’s now. Top rope RKO is a nice exclamation point for the win after the low blow. Great, great match. Can’t say enough good things about it. Totally made up for an otherwise pretty mediocre Smackdown.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK

MNM need Livestrong bracelets to really trend it up. Good to see that Animal isn’t feeling any pressure to get an abortion or anything. Ivan Drago comparisons are obvious, but Big Bad John really just looks like a bleached Zangief. I could get into somebody doing a Zangief gimmick, complete with spinning piledriver. Mercury crawling over for the kiss of affirmation is tremendous. Heidenreich yells “Pa-Pow!” when he does his 1-2 punches and that’s tremendous. Mercury betrays his Southern heel roots by putting his woman’s safety before his own, so this doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just sick and would like to see Melina take the Doomsday Device.

HAHA! THERE IS SOMETHING ON HER FACE AND THE NETWORK GUY COMPLIMENTS HER EARRINGS INSTEAD! WWE IS THE F UNNEE!

Christ, Benoit’s gonna try to be funny again. Wacky Benoit just doesn’t work for me. Oh God. Is he gonna - he is. He’s taking a piss. Wow. Benoit pees really quickly. He flushed about nine seconds in and then just killed time. I guess it’s not his fault he has a freakishly small bladder. Us guys have gotta stick together.

Well, maybe Benoit versus Orlando will last longer than it did at Summerslam. Wow. Nevermind. It was shorter. Whose wife did Orlando sleep with to deserve this kind of humiliation? What a waste of (very little) time.

Hey, Christy and Stacy are gonna “wrestle.” I’ll do full play by play for this, just for fun.

(Andy Napier: Nice sporting handshake to start things off here, Nap.

Nap Daddy: I want b00bz.

Andy Napier: Collar and elbow tieup and the firecracker, Christy, backs Stacy into the ropes!

Nap Daddy: And it’s a superfluous cartwheel from Stacy to escape!)

Nevermind. It’s already being interrupted by Sylvan Grenier. He’s uh... a gay cattle herder now? Stacy and Christy are amused by him. I am not. Okay, his white duster has already grown on me. Oh, okay. He’s “The Model” Rick Martel 2K5. Whatever. And it’s my current hero Hardcore Holly! YAY! With a microphone. BOO. They like Bob in Jacksonville. Holly pretending to like women is pretty funny. No Best Dropkick in the Business so this whole mess doesn’t work. (And yes, I know that Bob Holly isn’t gay, before someone tries to correct me.)

And that’s just the way it is!

Someone please hold me

My life may change forever tonight. I'm going to see "Herbie: Fully Loaded" and I just don't know if things can ever be the same after something like that. It's a Herbie movie. In 2005. Help.

Gilless? Perish the thought!

But first... ITEM!

CODY SIGHTING: For the first time in ten days or so, the ray of sunshine that IS Cody McLaughlin (probably not his real name) graced me with his e-presence. Thank God. I was about to call in the search hounds.

Now, the real reason you're here. ABC Family has relented and given me exactly what I want. After this week's run of season four episodes, they're doubling back and starting up with season three next Tuesday. Nappy is the victor! Hail! Hail!

The Dream I Had Last Night

We (the K.O.V-1+1+Jonathan, Ashley, Jason, Lee, Franz, Keith, Lucas, Adam, and Kris) were filming my zombie movie (which unfortunately may be lost forever. Computrade sucks!), when script problems arose and Ashley walked off the set. So, in a feat of casting wizardry not seen since they made Kingpin black, I scored PAULY SHORE to replace her. The rest of the shoot went off without a hitch, as Ashley was barred from the set, and Pauly did a great job as the lead.

A sign of things to come?

Bored at 3 am

I'm really bored. I watched the UFC ppv last night as a substitute for the money I would have spent on TNA. It was really good. Two guys got stretchered out and one might lose his left eye. I hope the sport doesn't have athletic commissions coming down on them just when they're getting so much momentum from the reality show and the live specials on Spike. That's what killed them in the early '90s. Their ppvs were at times drawing similar numbers as WWF and WCW shows (without TV promotion, even), but Washington attacked it as a "blood sport" and more or less killed its development for years. Damn Tipper Gore.

Anyway, as I noted, I'm bored.

Davekwon and I went movie crazy earlier, starting with "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" at Carriage Place, and then hitting a trifecta of terror with "Friday the 13th Part 3", "Slumber Party Massacre", and "Darkness-Gu". Despite repeated warnings from the nation's top critics, we watched Anna Paquin's latest opus, and to be quite frank, it completely killed what had, up to that point been a great night of slasherdom. 'Bad' doesn't adequately describe this film, as "Boogeyman-Gu" and "Hide and Seek" pale in comparison to the sheer arm gnawing boredom that "Darkness" induces.

"Slumber Party Massacre" was, to say the least, a pleasant surprise. Along with giving Dave a new professional pseudonym (Russ Thorn!) and both of us a new favorite means of cutting off someone's head (power drill!), this movie also had lots of young, nubile girls running around topless in the early going. Million billion stars.

"Friday the 13th Part 3" was something of a revelation for me. This is the movie that was intended to be shown in glorious 3-D, of course, and there are countless meaningless shots that are obviously geared towards just that. Which leads me to my new quest; getting that movie played on the big screen at Studio 35. Not the DVD release obviously, but an original 3-D ready print, to frighten and amaze a new generation of moviegoers. Or... me, Dave, and Ashley.

That'll do it for now. Keep your eyes peeled, though. You never know when I might drop in. YOU'VE BEEN BLOGGED.

Screw ABC Family

So, I watch "Gilmore Girls" religiously, right (Huh. That was almost a "religious right" pun, so let's just pretend it was.)? I've seen every episode in the first, fourth, and fifth seasons. So on ABC Family, second season wraps on Friday and season three is getting ready to start up on Monday. But wait... NO IT DOESN'T! IT WUZ A SWERVE! RUSSO LIVES!

You see, what is actually happening, is they're skipping over third season and starting right in on fourth season again. And why? To boost DVD sales of the recently released Season Three. Fuck that. I'll buy them all someday when I'm independently wealthy. Or more likely when I have to choose between that and eating for a couple weeks (I'm just being realistic and I know myself very well in regards to what my priorities are.). But come on ABC Family, just let me watch my season three. I want to see the Christopher/Lorelai arc. I want to realize my dream of growing to hate Jess more than any fictional character that I've ever come across. I want my GILMORES.

Peace.

I'll Be Back

Sorry for the blog kind of slowing down here lately. I've been getting used to this confounded laptop. I'll be out of town for the weekend, but I promise an upturn in productivity when I return.

Independence for Quebec!

Oh my God he's back again

I'm gonna make this short and sweet. I'm going to see "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" tonight. What this means in the grand scheme of things is that between that, ABC Family and the WB, I get to see Alexis Bledel three times today. FEAR THE BLEDEL.

Yeah, it's an entire post about black sitcoms

Does anybody remember "Where I Live?" It was the first thing I ever saw Doug E. Doug in, and there was an episode where he found an old issue of National Geographic and glimpsed a nude picture of his mother performing in "Hair." Moms was fine in that show. Flex Alexander, future "Homeboys in Outer Space" luminary, played Doug's best chum. Nobody gives Doug E. Doug work anymore. What's the deal with that? He's Doug E. Doug. HE WAS IN CLASS ACT. What more do you want from the man? He sang the Jamaican Bobsled song. He weathered the latter day "Cosby" along with the dearly departed Madeline Kahn.


The fact that no better picture of Doug E. Doug was readily available tells you what an awful state of affairs this world is in. But look at Leon, holdin' it down!

I always wanted Bill and Phylicia to get together. I know she's with Ahmad Rashad and everything, but it's Cliff and Clair. They're made for one another. I think I saw Elvin on an episode of "Law and Order" a couple of weeks ago. He really should have been the breakout star of that show. Little Kenny made it out okay, but the sky should have been the limit for Elvin.


Feel the chemistry


Elvin's fat face of hatred, scorned by mainstream entertainment.

They need to start re-running "Thea" on BET or something. I watched that show. I had respect for that show because it didn't feel the need to shoehorn in a token white character when that was the thing to do. Even "Martin," a show that I have endless admiration for, had that wack ass DJ at the radio station who served no purpose other than to be white and get yelled at by Garrett Morris.


Uncle Rico > DJ Shawn

"Thea" was friggin' great because it had Brandy, AND the older brother from "Smart Guy." In fact, "Thea" only could have been better if it had been called "Mo'Nique." I just looked it up and she was only on three episodes of "Moesha," and was able to get a spinoff based on that. I don't care what you think of her. THAT'S impressive.


Thea shows love to the common man

Speaking of "Moesha," I've been watching that on Noggin (or "the N" as the kidz are calling it these days) recently because a few months ago Andrew and I were at a show at Bourbon Street and I was more captivated by Bernie Mac's guest spot on the re-run than by the band. God bless closed captioning. So, Bernie isn't a regular, but "Moesha" is a heck of a show in its own right. The fact that Fredro Starr from Onyx is continually popping up for no real good reason just endears me to it even more.


Fredro sez: "Bacdafucup!"

It's too bad that they don't run "Keenan and Kel" anymore, but I'm sure after Keenan Thompson becomes a major Hollywood player thanks to his brilliant SNL run, they'll bring it back and we can all lauf and lauf together. Ken Foree playing Keenan's dad might be that show's only redeeming quality, but if you have to pick one redeeming quality to posses, it's hard to go wrong with that one.


If you talk about the dead walking the Earth, you can get away with wearing the gayest coat ever.

That's all for today, children. Come back next time as I wax hysterical on "George Lopez," "Chico and the Man" and... uh, yeah, I'm all out.

Keepin' the Brown Man Down

I'm just sitting here upgrading AIM (I like the bare bones approach to the older version without all the bells and whistles, but I miss not being able to hide from people), and about to go watch some Professional Wrestling. Super Crazy versus Rey Mysterio and Eddy Guerrero versus Chris Benoit says quality to me.

I don't know if anyone has read anything over the past few days regarding WWE and the Muhammad Hassan character being criticized by, well, pretty much everyone since they ran an angle on Smackdown two days after the first London bombings where at Hassan's behest, the Undertaker was attacked by four masked men who then carried Hassan's lackey out over their heads in the manner of a martyr. Not surprisingly, WWE and UPN were lambasted with hate mail from concerned folks all over the world. Well, this resulted in UPN asking WWE to keep Hassan off the Smackdown program the next week. WWE conceded. But now it has come out that UPN doesn't want Hassan on their program at ALL, ever again. So earlier today, WWE confirmed that they would be discontinuing the character, likely after being soundly thrashed by the Undertaker at this weekend's Great American Bash.

I have to admit that I enjoyed the character. I thought that the storyline itself was in bad taste, but it's a real shame that Hassan is being punished for this by probably losing his job. So, Muhammad, you're in my thoughts. See you on the bread line.


Muhammad and his Spree bin Laden belt
Muhammad Hassan: 2004-2005

And now, Cody!

Andy: I need more Wu Tang named people in my posse.

Cody: Ol Dirty Codeman?

Andy: Wow.


Ol' Dirty Codeman is ready for action. (Note: This is a dramatization)


Peace, y'all.

This photo wins

For anyone who was wondering, I had a positive session with my doctor today, and there was no possible better follow up than finding this picture. I leave you with a laugh.

Last Son of Krypton

So, it's early in the morning and I'm heading out to see a new psychiatrist for medication management, etc. I've never really liked psychiatrists. I haven't found one who has given me the right therapy:perscription ratio. It's all about the pills with these people. Just because you're made of fire doesn't mean that you have to burn down everything you see. It's 6:24, so that might not make sense, but it works in my head. The point is, I prefer psychologists. Maybe I just lucked out and got a good one a few years ago.

So, the REALLY good news is that I get to tell this complete stranger all about my medical history. "So, I was 16 when I started feeling dizzy and passing out." Cut to oh, thirty minutes later, "And I'm still dizzy and I still pass out."

This has to be at least the twentieth medical professional I'm going to have to regale with my tale of woe. I feel like a superhero with a really undesirable power who has to tell his origin story over and over again.

"Tell us once more, Priapism Man, from whence do you come?"

Anyway, I gotta go. Have a good one folks.

Daaaaaangerous DDTs forever!

Shin'ya Hashimoto: 1965-2005

Fine Japanese wrestler and progenitor of the DANGEROUS DDT~!, Shin'ya Hashimoto, is dead today at the age of 40, having suffered an aneurysm. I won't pretend to be the world's greatest expert on the guy, but I enjoyed the Hell out of him. I have an affinity for fat boy wrestlers, and Hashimoto brought the man boobied pain time and again over his storied career. In the end, what I think I'll remember him best for is giving Dave and I the inspiration for our film imprint, "Dangerous DDT Productions." So God bless, Big Hash. I'm sure you're up there chopping the Hell out of Saint Peter. Or whatever you people believe in.

Don't know what else to say

People who bomb busses are fucking assholes. At least we can all agree on that.

Let the bloodletting commence

Every year, WWE trims a little fat from the roster. A failed Ohio Valley project here, a television job guy there. It's never too big a deal, in the big picture. Not this year. Vince must need a new wing added to his castle or something, because WWE is getting SEVENTEEN talent contracts off the books. So, because it's what I do, I honor those men and women today, in picture form.


Marc Loyd, announcer whom I barely remember. Peace be with you.


Mordecai, who made such a huge impact in his three weeks on WWE television that this is the best picture of him I found.


Sorry Adam, but it's true. Lil' Spike Dudley is gone, gone, gone.


I guess kid's have the power to get fired after all. Hope he enjoyed Torrie.


Gangrel, for once, not smiling.


Jimmy Yang; the best kept secret in WWE, his Velocity series with Paul London was phenomenal. He'll do just fine in Ring of Honor and overseas.


From boy band phenom to post-apocalyptic survivalist, Shannon Moore was always willing to die for your pleasure.


Hard to believe they got rid of Maven, who more or less grew into being a wrestler right on WWE television.


Mark Jindrak, who just standing there looks like he should be the biggest wrestling star ever, was actually starting to improve before this. Hopefully he doesn't give up.


This one hurts. That's all I'll say. I love you, Dawn.


I know that April will be saddened by this, but hey, his action figure has the Jannetty Jam. Can't go wrong there.


Tough Enough 2's own Hot Tub Ho, Jackie Gayda. At least she'll have company...


...in the form of husband Charlie Haas, who I never thought got a fair shake in WWE. Given half a chance, this guy could have been a huge star. Maybe he still will be.


If there is any justice in the world, Ted Turner will hire Paul Heyman to run a new wrestling company for him and Matt Morgan will be brought in, pushed correctly, and be the biggest star on the planet. This guy is the real deal. He doesn't have it in the ring yet, but my God can he talk.


Kenzo Suzuki should have lifetime employment on the strength of his singing "New York, New York" in Boston alone.


Help reinvent tag team wrestling in the year 2000, and by 2005, creative has nothing for you. Way it goes, I guess. Muto will be knocking on your door any day now, though.

Cody thinks that WWE should use all the new salary room to sign that hot, young talent, Jeff Jarrett. Cody also thinks it's 1993.

Well, that's it. So far. A lot of other names are rumored to be on the chopping block, and I'll be back here with pictures and tears when things are official.