Dial Up is Bullshit

Greetings from ol' Pap Napier's lap top (brought to you by Kraft Foods North America: a subsidiary of Phillip Morris. Phillip Morris would like you to remember one thing on this Memorial Day weekend: No Proven Link) at a blazing speed of 56 kbps!

So... yeah. Long time no blog. Nice to see things fall into disarray on the ol' comment board, though. Anyhow, my PC seems to have caught the AIDS or something, so that's the reason for the lack of updates and presence. I haven't seen many of you in a while (those that I ever see in the first place, that is), so we'll have to change that soon. As for Cody, you can go on being a fake friend with an aversion to telephones. Sucka.

And what, praytell have I been doing with my discretionary time? Why, only rocking like I've never rocked before. Except for that Dirtbombs show. I still contend that I'm unlikely to ever again be so thoroughly destroyed by a band.

This was a dandy of a week, with two trips to the hippest place on earth, the Newport. NO RE-ADMITTANCE! Monday night, despite the upper midcard threatening to kill music for me forever, The Stills saved the day with their melodic pop sensibilities. Friday night was a bigger thrill, as I'm sure Andrew will post about in detail, as we saw VHS or Beta? and The Von Bondies. Both bands were quite ruly, and I was compelled to drop phat loots on CDs in celebration of said rulyness.

Let's see... anything else? Answer: no. Because I don't count watching "Uptown Girls" with Ashley at 2 am the other night as something that really happened.

Oh, I did see the Hoodoo Soul Band for the first time tonight. I was very impressed. Oldfields can be ridiculously crowded at times, but it's not a bad band bar at all, and these guys are obviously well liked by the regulars, as they had the place rockin'. I might have to make that a monthly stop, as long as they have some variety in their playlist.

This update was primarily to start the comments over before they reached critical mass and all that, so in the next couple of days I should have something up that's a little more structured. Peace.

Not even THESE can bless this "House"

You know, I may be opening a huge can of worms with this statement, but I don't think I've ever seen a less scary "horror" movie than "House of the Dead". That didn't stop Ashley from wanting me to go outside with her when she smoked because we had just "watched a zawmbie movie". I think all in all that Holywood just needs to realize that video games aren't movies. And failing that, they need to realize that it's a really terrible idea to intercut game footage from said video game INTO your movies. Also, when zombies movies suck, it usually gives me an opportunity to root for the zombies to kill the humans. In this case, I just wanted a bomb dropped on the stupid raver island. Early on, it seems like there might be enough boobs and !~Clint Howard~! to elevate this to so-bad-it's-good territory, but even that is too lofty a goal for "House of the Dead". It really feels at times that after terrorizing some high school, actual zombies, with their severely limited cognitive faculties, found the equipment closet of the AV Club and decided to make a movie. Seriously, this thing was like, sub-third string Troma release. Luckily, the upcoming Twyman epic, "Dead of the Dead" will save us all.

On a happier note, after consulting IMDB, I was reminded that I need to see "In the Mouth of Madness" again, just because the man who portrayed Sutter Kane AND the skipper of "Das Boot" deserves better than to be remembered as a secondary cast member of this horrible thing. JÙrgen Prochnow is still a stupid name, though.

I'm not sure what next week's film will be; I'm leaning towards "In the Mouth of Madness" or "Versus", if I get out to buy it.
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KEHN: DON'T READ THIS SECTION! LAST WARNING!

The "Angel" finale was awesome on nearly every count. It suffered from the fairly common Whedon problem of getting his shows going in the first ten-fifteen minutes, but after that it soared. From Lindsey's indignation at being killed by Lorne ("You kill me!? NO! Angel kills me!"), to Lorne himself giving up the good fight, to Spike's poem about Cecily FINALLY going over, I loved this episode. Upon further reflection, I don't even hate the ending. I didn't really like it, but it encompassed the spirit of the series; the fight goes on. I'm looking forward to the comics that will continue the Whedon-verse.
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I don't watch "Smackdown" anymore, so no WORKRATE REPORT FOR YOU! The main problem is that it's not even really BAD, like RAW was in 2002. It's just soooooo boring. I can suffer bad wrestling with ease. Sometimes I even relish it. But there's nothing I hate more than being bored by wrestling. And with the way RAW is clicking on almost every cylinder lately, that's more than enough of a US wrestling fix for me. Besides, with what I'll save on Smackdown pay per views, I can import ten extra tapes this year. I wish I had decided this much earlier so that I could have caught more of the "Friends" season. Somebody wake me when Brock comes back.
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Kehn calling me and pretending to be Cody was kind of funny the first time. Yesterday it was just awkward and un-segueable. Thanks a lot, Kehn.
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Good luck to my boys in Indiana, may you get all five rings or something.
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On that super geeked out note, holla atcha boy and PEACE.

B Movies and Beer, Week 6

Hopefully we'll be back on track tonight with "House of the Dead" at 10:30ish. I haven't gotten ahold of Ashley in the past couple of days, so if she's reading this, CALL ME! Anyway, if you're planning on coming over, give a call to check on it (263-3278). Hugs and kisses.

TV party tonight

With the "That 70s Show" season ender airing and the penultimate episode of "Angel" to watch on tape, it's an evening for comfort food and tears shed. Memories. Just... memories. If only I had someone to hold me close while I tremored.

I hate it when my blog decides that a certain post isn't going to be allowed to have comments on it. NOBODY ASKED YOU, BLOG!

I had Dairy Queen's new Flamethrower Bacon Cheeseburger today, and I've gotta say, it's very hot. I really want to find a Hardees (are there any left in Columbus) when they come out with their version, because Hardees is the KING of the heart punch burger. Their jalapeno burger should be called the DE-FOLIATOR.

My life is many splendored and exciting. Peace.

Rap artist asks audience to "make some noise", ushers in a Golden Age of audience participation

I don't really dislike turntable only music, but I just wasn't feelin' ol' RJ tonight. He played an acoustic love song as his encore, though, and it was very pretty.

The artist that came on right before was Diverse and that man is a talented rapster if ever there was one. He took it up a notch with classic audience participation moments such as "All right. Everybody say "Hip hop is here tonight!" and "To the beat y'all!" I really hope that kind of fresh gimmick takes off at shows around the country.
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RAW

WHAT WORKED?

I have watched enough Helmsley to know that the payoff for calling a Black guy an uppity Sambo who doesn't deserve to hold the belt is the black guy losing, getting buried, and then stuck with the Darkie Druid gimmick. So why did this work? Because it's the fifty-year anniversary of Brown v. Board, the Supreme Court decision that said that blacks are entitled to be educated but we still won't pay them as much. The Orton mic work was a nice tribute to a historical moment.

Beniot + Edge v. Orton + Batista was pretty fun, especially the finish, although Orton really isn't as good as Flair. Orton's conceptual body motion submissions really stink. The ref bump was really great, it looked like the Chioda broke his jaw. Benoit is also really crazy to take the headbutt on the belt on a meaningless tag match. Batista continues to be really fun to watch. Benoit, who's a guy who I've watched play face in peril in tags for a long time, is really good working on the apron.

Regal's acting is great, although he really is Rip Torn trying to save "Freddy Got Fingered".

WHAT DIDN'T WORK?

This whole show was paced really like it was booked by Vince Russo, as every single segment but the tag match was set up with same formula; long segment going nowhere killing time interrupted by surprise. Endless shitty Lita/Trish match... Kane surprise, meaningless Randy Orton promo... surprise its Benjamin, meaningless Kane/Venis match... surprise its Matt Hardy, endless Hardy beat down... surprise its Lita, endless Coach segment... surprise its the Rock, poorly paced battle royale... surprise its HBK. All the surprises make the others mean less, make the fans pay less attention to what's happening as they wait for the run in. I was kind of surprised that the tag didn't end with Orton saying "this script is bullshit".

Battle Royal was a Battle Royal, for what that's worth. Batista looked great and Benjamin gets pushed this week, which means he is fed to a returning Rodney Mack next week. The booking was really screwed up here; four heels combine to beat up everyone, until a suspended face eliminates main heel, with the payoff being that a separate heel wins?

BOTTOM LINE

RAW wasn't as good as it's been of late, but the hot tag team match really was quite enjoyable. I can't wait until Mark Henry gets back.

Yep. We never should have let women into the military.

I'm not entirely sure WHY I'm posting this particular picture, but damn, isn't that just a slice of life? Jheri curl, hot dog vendor, and a sweet piece of ethnically mixed ass on your arm. Add a menthol cigarette to that little recipe and you're on top of the world.
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Reasons to be Cheerful

1. RJD2's album release show is starting at 9 o'clock at the Wexner Center. I've still never seen him perform live, so that should be a good time, although I've read conflicting opinions of the new album. I'll do a mini-review after the concert, maybe. Although Andrew will do one that's nine billion times better, so maybe all interested parties should just read that over at his blog .

2. Yes, I'm missing "Bad Blood" live because of Adam's wedding, but at least I'm not missing Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit in a ladder match, as was originally planned. Now I'm only missing Chris Benoit versus Kane. And I wouldn't even say I'm missing it.
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POLITICAL COMMENTARY!

I read an article on MSN today blaming the Iraqui PoW scandal on the following

- Feminists
- Pornography
- Homosexuality
- The Liberal Media
- The Academic Left
- Quentin Tarantino and the Farrelly Brothers(no, really)

Let's see ... what's to blame? The abuse was done because the torturers were... "infected with [moral] relativism."

Or is it because "our country permits Hollywood to put almost anything in a movie and still call it PG-13. We permit television and computers to bring all manner of filth into our homes. We permit school children to be taught that homosexuality [...]" ??

Is it because such abuse "is exactly what feminists have dreamed of for years" ??

Or is it because "[t]he distinct echoes of Abu Ghraib in our culture are unmistakable" and can be found in "Pulp Fiction"?

But I guess in the end it's the damn media that did it: "The liberal media and the Hollywood crowd with their abandoning of morals and their attitude of 'whatever feels good' must've rubbed off on the military guards." Obviously "With Abu Ghraib, the old antagonisms between the media and the military return, with the counter-culturally-minded media exulting over a high and mighty military slip."

Okay, STOP IT. Just stop it. I've even heard people say that it's a result of "Clintonian" policies in the military that caused the incident. I'm not really sure how, seeing as Bush is the war president and also the one in office.

Anyway, the inability for seemingly anyone to take personal responsibility for ANYTHING in this country is getting to kind of a ridiculous point. Just thought I'd point out all the reasons why those "poor soldiers" didn't do anything wrong, though.

Time for RJD2. I'll be back later tonight with a tape delayed RAW report at the very least.

2004: Anybody but Bush
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Tomorrow morning marks my return to the ranks of the work-a-day shlubs that make this country go 'round. Of course, I've only got three weeks of employment, so if anybody hears anything about a job possibility for an underqualified caucasian male, holla.
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BaseBrawl didn't attain the epic levels of last years show, but I got to see a Dean Malenko trainee, three women fumble their ways through what could generously be referred to as a "match", and the ever awesome Nigel McGuiness, so it wasn't all bad. Plus, the Clippers beat the Bisons. Or... the Bisons beat themselves, with a rockin' FIVE errors. Minor league baseball. Gotta love it.

I remember when going to a Clippers game was a big deal. The stadium was like a catherdral. Looking out on that field after it had been maintained was what I imagined Heaven might be like. Something about baseball has always just made sense to me on a very basic level. I relate to it really well. I should go to more OSU games, also. I take my local teams for granted.
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Getting to watch "Angel" hasn't panned out yet, so hopefully by Thursday afternoon that will be done. Ashley, I'm looking at YOU. Sorry about the miscommunication Saturday night, too.
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Monday is a big ol' triple header at Studio 35. Who amongst you will be hardcore enough to sustain throughout all three films!?

For this not in the know, it's "Hellboy", "The Punisher", and then capping things off with "Raging Bull".
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On that note, I'm off. But remember, whether you're in the trenches or watching Oprah, when you cast your ballot, mark it "Cobra".

Reasons to be Cheerful

"You ODed. Go back three spaces."

Yay.

Reasons to be Cheerful

1. BASEBRAWL tonight, with Funky D and Davekwon. A freestyle rap may be unable to contain itself at some point. I'm sure that if nothing else, Kehn will post something. The possibility of seeing Matt Stryker, Nigel McGuiness, and MTV Superstar Rory Fox is ruly.

2. Angel later tonight, with Ashley. Only one more episode to go after this. OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD.

3. "The Unpossibles" rule it a lot harder than "Dream Merchant". That is to say at all. Sorry, Keith. I'm really glad you're in there now, though. Don seems really cool and songs about air hockey are hard not to love.

4. !~Cody~! He is truly a good digital friend. Just this afternoon in fact, he told me that after August he was never going to talk to me again. What a pal.

Anyway, that's what's doin' today. Peace, y'all.

B Movies and Beer update

The event has been cancelled for this evening, and moved to next Thursday night at 10 pm. So, don't show up at my house and stuff. Thanks.

Zombie Gun Games Gonna Make Me Lose My Mind

That's right, fallows. "B Movies and Beer" Week Six is upon us, and the film du jour is "House of the Dead". Will "Up In Here" actually be used in the context of the film itself or just the ending credits? Will half of the movie be shot from a gun toting, first person perspective? Will the experience truly live up to what a Bottom 30 IMDB movie SHOULD be? There's only one way to find out, of course. Thursday night, May 13th, 11 pm. Things is gonna get dead.
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I saw "In America" last night. Great movie, if a little manipulative. Judging from the carnival game scene, it's good they didn't relocate from Ireland to Atlantic City.
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So, an American was beheaded. But Donald Rumsfeld, "YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JAAAAAAOOOOORB". Seriously, this is getting really scary. And this was supposedly al-Qaeda. What the Hell do they care what's happening in Iraq? Of course, the fact that I'm even consdering that this is payback for prisoner torture instead of just assigning blame to the foreign monsters must mean I hate freedom.

I just don't see anyone with any authority saying anything that makes me feel confident about the situation. Lots more people are going to die and that sucks, bottom line. It's the fault of his killers for killing the guy, but there is a reasonable question to be asked about why we were there in the first place. That has nothing to do with being liberal or conservative (I'm neither, although conservatives accuse me of being liberal and liberals accuse me of being conservative because I'm not what they are and therefore must be the other). America, let alone the rest of the world, would be greatly relieved if we were given a sense of a plan of action in Iraq. We have none. We have growing scandals, growing resentment and increasing attacks. The official comment on all of this? "Rumsfeld is doing a good job".
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Teddy Hart has started his own wrestling company. That's fucking awesome.

"He's the king of bling bling. He dines at five star restaurants with his entourage and goes through countless bottles of Cris' like it ain't no thang. He is one of today and tomorrow's most technically and acrobatically talented athletes. He's a trend setter. He's outspoken. He's unpredictable. He's a rogue. You love him. You hate him. You don't know what to expect out of him next. He is "the Loose Cannon" Ted Hart."

Oh my GOD I hope that roll through Ohio. He's got a killer roster. Granted, not as killer as it could be if he hadn't made enemies of so many other wrestlers, but... hey, that's part of his charm.
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That's all for today, folks. I'll be back tomorrow night for some sort of update. Until then, you've been blogged.

Raw is War and Life in a Barn!

Because I haven't done one of these in a while and because Kris LOVES them, I give you YOUR Raw Recap for May 10th, 2004.

WHAT WORKED

Batista versus Tajiri was a really well worked big man/little man match. Tajiri yet again is a really great beaten babyface. He is really the only guy besides Val Venis who is allowed to use varied offense, and he broke out a bunch here. This was actually the first good Batista singles match. Worked Benoit, wasn't good. worked Michaels, wasn't good, worked RVD, it was messy. Worked a feud with D-Von, painful. Worked a bunch of people in OVW, unimpressive. Batista's gotten alot better and Tajiri is apparently really good as an underdog babyface ( a role he's never worked elsewhere). Only problem with the match is that I think they should keep Tajiri in the uppercard mix since he's really good in this role, but I'm not sure where he goes after this match.

Randy Orton versus Edge was alot of fun. Orton broke out all of his old school Velocity offense, including the weird backbreaker and frog splash bodypress. There was a bunch of really awkward spots here including Orton ducking for no reason for a kick, Edge doing leg stretches masquerading as kicks, Orton attempting to debut his rana, and the ugly spear on Flair. I did really like Orton's crossface chickenwing, and Edge's running forearms. Edge is a guy who I normally don't really like in singles matches as he really works like the worlds tallest Spike Dudley. In other words, a guy who bumps like an underdog and has a bunch of over offense that he can hit out of nowhere. But he doesn't bump as big as Spike and, well, his offense isn't as good as Spike's. But he's three feet taller than Spike so that whole style doesn't normally make sense. I really enjoyed the way Edge worked in this one.

They really fucked up in sending Jacqueline to Smackdown. Most of the women on RAW are heels (Trish, Jazz, Molly, Gail, and I assume they'll be turning Lita heel). Victoria really hasn't figured out how to work face. And neither Nidia or Stacy have a lot of face wrestling experience. Jacqueline could've really been put to better use as veteran leader in this place. Why does Gail Kim get multiple finishes when Shelton Benjamin is stuck doing Sting's signature spots? Not even the Sting finishers, just his signature spots. Scorpion death drop and Stinger splash without getting to do the Scorpion Death lock. Gail Kim gets two submissions, but Benjamin gets nothing.

The only thing the crowd is actually into is the retard. Regal is a really great actor as he actual conveys regret and contemplation in his facial expressions. Ross is calling a completely separate angle then Regal is working and someone really should put together a booking sheet before the show. The crowd was weirdly miked for the whole night as it really sounded like they were in an arena that seated fifty in a room attached to a bar. You'd hear about fifty people really into the matches and then a lot of glass tinkling and muffled bar muttering in the background. But then Eugene came out and the crowd went electric. And the crowd was loud and hot from there on out. Weird.

Jericho/Christian cage match was pretty good. Tyson Tomko missed Jericho by about three feet and they really need to cut to the bearded guy with a flannel giving a thumbs down. Time to send that guy back down to OVW and replace him with one of the other four dozen tatted guys Cornette has to book around. Nice blood on Christian and the finish was really good.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

Jesus, I assumed Helmsley would just beat the shit out of Benjamin, Pedigree him and bury him. Instead he treats him like he's beneath him. Didn't even bother beating him, and Shelton just disappeared after Michaels came in.

Bischoff is really effective when booked as a scummy motherfucker. After Three Minute Warning they decided instead to book him like Richard Deacon's put upon father on "Leave it To Beaver". That's a pretty stupid use of Bischoff. Plus, how is the put upon father of Lumpy supposed to get heel heat? They seem to have given up on that. Instead, tonight Bischoff was booked like like Richard Deacon as Mel Cooley on the Dick van Dyke show. It isn't much better.

OVERALL

Another good show from RAW this week, as they haven't had a bad one since before Wrestlemania. Now, if only Smackdown could get back to greatness somehow.

I'm So There

So I get my Studio 35 E-mail today and OH MY GOD do they ever know how to get me back into their theater for six hours of ass numbing sitting. "Hellboy", "The Punisher", and "Raging Bull", the lattermost of which I've actually never even seen. I know that Ash hasn't seen "Hellboy" or "Punisher", so hopefully we'll be able to re-start the Studio 35 tradition. It's been a while.

The Power of Christ Compels Me

So, my friend and short-term roommate, Adam Varona, is getting married on June 12th. As most of you know, I'm a groomsman, so I'll be out in Sacto for the big day. I'm absolutely thrilled for him and his bride to be, Danielle, and I'm excited myself to get out there and see them. But God is a tricky motherfucker, and he decided that this weekend, he would forsake me. The day of the wedding, Ring of Honor has a show in Dayton, so I'm missing that. The next day, WWE has a pay per view at Nationwide, so I'm missing that as well. But I knew that TRUE friendship was more important than a weekend long wrestlegasm (assuming that's even possible), so I was chagrined, but decided that I could manage. And last night, I learned that my patience and devotion have truly paid off. Because on June 11th, in San Leandro California, a scant ninety minutes away from Sacramento... Pro Wrestling Iron is holding their first ever television taping. Now, that probably doesn't mean anything to most of you, but it just so happens that on this night, in the San Leandro High School gymnasium... my Japanese wrestling Jesus, Mitsuharu Misawa, will be in action. OMIGOD. OH MY GOD. OHMYGOD. Twelve dollars, high school gym, Mitsuharu Misawa. The time for partying and freaking out is NOW.

I can slap a tornado

Welcome to the first post of the Version 2.0 era of what was formerly known as "Andy Napier's 37th Chamber". Lots of great memories from January to May, but as I enter a new chapter of my life, so begins a new chapter of my blog.

So, let's kick things off with... DRAMA!

Act One: Who Needs an Education in This Thriving Economy?

"Wow. I sure don't know very much about Islam. Wow. This essay question sure is worth fifty percent of my midterm grade. Wow. I sure am fucked."

So... let's have a panic attack and drop Civilization why don't we? And while we're at it, let's drop English for good measure.

Act Two: Apparently, the Economy ISN'T Very Good.

The Diabolical Kraft Man sez: "One week, young dependent. ONE WEEK to secure gainful employment! Or you're OUT!"

What a fun week. It's always better to do things with the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. Roughly twenty applications turned in, three calls back, two interviews, zero job offers.

And... THE BOOT!

Act Three: Man Without a Country

Lucas: You can crash on the couch.

Andy: Okay. Thanks.

Act Four: Resolution (It's a mystery)

The Diabolical Kraft Man: Hey, here's four weeks worth of work that I probably should have offered you in the first place.

Andy: Oh... thanks?

Diabolical Kraft Man: You can come home now.

Andy: Oh... thanks?

Diabolical Kraft Man: You're god damn right.

Fin.

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A Word With Cody McLaughlin

TAFKAGMarkIII: Hey Cody.
TAFKAGMarkIII: Are you in it to win it plus wild for the night?
GWFJarrett2: Yes.
TAFKAGMarkIII: You're a thrilling young man.
GWFJarrett2: I try
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So anyway, I'm back at home for the time being. This experience has taught me that I really need to get out of this house on a permanent type basis. Maybe move to Calgary. There's a strong job market there right now. And Bret Hart. Maybe Bret needs a roommate.
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Andy Moves in with Bret Hart fantasty sequence Part One

(The powerfully built stroke victim bursts into the common room of his Calgary palace.)

Bret Hart: Andy! Did you use my toothbrush again!?

Andy: Yeah, I'm sorry Bret. You must think I'm pretty nasty, huh?

Bret Hart: I don't think you're nasty. I think you're scum!

(Jokes are better when only one eighth of an intended audience get them.)
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Seriously though, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm going to Sacramento on June 10th. I was originally planning on returning on the 15th, but I may extend my stay a bit, look around, see what I like. Maybe even shoot on up to Portland and visit Abe. Wouldn't mind that one little bit.

So, I just wanted to get everyone up to date on the past ten days of my life. Especially if anyone was curious about why there's been no blog activity lately.

Oh, and I hate you fuckers and your non-Troy discussion. It's all your fault, KJ.