Smellin' of Troy

I've been reading up on it today, and I've come to the conclusion that "Troy" would make my brain kill my body if I actually went to see it. I can't help it. I was raised on Greek mythology, and as a result I'm a purist when it comes to classics. I love "the Iliad" like a fat kid loves cake, but I cannot see an adaptation of it where; Briseis kills Agamemnon, Achiles is in the Trojan Horse, Paris is a SYMPATHETIC character (yeah, yeah, Orlando Bloom is hot, it doesn't change that Paris was a douche), and there's absolutely no Diomedes in sight.

Any of these things might be bearable by themselves (except for Achiles being in the Horse. I mean FUCK, that pretty much guarantees the Hector wouldn't fight him one on one), but taken together, it's just too much.

Looks like "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" doesn't have much to worry about in terms of being unseated as the best adaptation of Homer for a long time to come.

ZOMBIE!

Week 3 of "B-Movies and Beer" was a roaring success, as we've added a person to the proceedings every week. Pabst sales continue to sky rocket in local Giant Eagles. We checked out Italian horror demi-God Lucio Fulci's "Zombie".

I hadn't really realized how tame zombie movies have become until watching this. There are almost zero cut-aways in this flick. You see EVERY HORRIBLE DEPRAVED THING. Shard of wood slowly penetrating an eyeball? RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. Also, it was nice to see slow moving zombies again, that's for damn sure. Also, lots of gratuitous boobs, naked scuba diving, a zombie FIGHTING A SHARK~!, and a bunch of exploding zombie heads. It's a GOOD thing.

I did almost literally nothing else of note this weekend. I've been trying to recover from a cold, you see. I went to the bar Saturday night, but between the Nyquil and the candy corn, I can't really remember much of anything. I'll be back tomorrow (hopefully feeling better) with a RAW recap and some more tidbits.

Oh, this Thursday's "B-Movies and Beer" is scheduled to be a viewing of the neo-classic snowman slasher Jack Frost. Don't miss it.

You know it's a par-tay night when you wake up in the morning and can't find one of your socks.

*Pre update note: Tonight will be the third "B-Movies and Beer" night, and we're not exactly sure what we're going to watch yet, but it's certain to be pretty awful. We're planning on starting at about ten o'clock, so those interested should be at my house (2262 North 4th Street) at that time.*

Tuesday night was kind of interesting. What began as a plan hatched by Ashley and me to enhance our enjoyment of "Spinal Tap", ended with neither of us seeing the movie and instead laying on Kendall's front porch, wasted and muttering nonsense.

We picked up a 12 pack of PBR and a bottle of wine to supplement the three Molson Canadians we were already in possession of. After a while of the three of us (Kendall, Ashley, myself) drinking out on the porch, Franz joined us, followed soon after by Lucas. The five of us partied and freaked out for a couple of hours, at which point Ashley decided that we were no longer going to Studio 35. Instead, we would just stay at Kendall's and continue down the path of excess (I have almost zero say in my friendship with Ashley).

After calling up Designated Driver Man Kehn Yeung and telling him of our adjusted plans, he appeared with a batch of homemade cookies. They were yummy. Our final contestant of the evening was party girl Cynthia, who actually wanted to see "Spinal Tap". So Franz fetched his VHS and Kehn, Cynthia, Kendall, Franz, and ME settled down to watch the movie.

Keith arrived home from wherever he was about fifteen minutes in, and Franz and I could have made some fat bankroll if we had set up official betting on what his level of interaction with the rest of us would be before heading off to bed ("Hey").

I soon grew restless, a side effect of being all krunked and stuff, so I joined Ashley and Lucas on the porch. For the next hour and a half absolutely nothing of note or value was uttered. There was contant chatter, but I swear to God that I've never had a less productive or memorable conversation. We were all well beyond the "philosophical drunk" line, that's for sure.

After the movie ended and everyone was kicked out of Kendall's home, Ashley and I went back with Franz and Lucas, where (minus Franz) we slept on the posh new couches. Big step up in sleepy time comfort from the old set.

Anyway, that was Tuesday night.

Onto what I remember of my dreams last night.

Okay, I was at this movie theater watching the new "Dawn of the Dead", but there were tons of scenes that I didn't remember from the movie the first three times I had seen it. It seemed like there weren't too many zombies left by the end, and I was starting to get bored with it. So I left the theater and wandered down a hallway where these three people in a dorm room were having a party. So, I came in, and there's this smokin' hot chick there. I'm all, "DAMN, BABY", and she seemed pretty receptive, but she wanted me to become a zombpire first. At least, I figure that's what they all were. They ate human flesh, but they were intelligent, and could fly, but they could also go out in the sun. Wait, no... they could only go out in the sun after committing a certain amount of sins. Yeah, yeah, I know. Shut up.

So, one of her friends bit me, and I wasn't sure if it worked or not at first. But then I was in the car with my parents on a road trip and I got hungry. So I went into a gas station and bought a bunch of junk food. It just made me sick. That's when I figured that it must have worked, and I needed to eat human flesh.

Then came a kind of offshoot dream about visiting my grandfather and talking to him about how he wanted to install a great big window in his new house so he could grow a tree indoors. Okay, so the less said about that the better. Back to the zombpires.

After I figured out I needed human flesh to satisfy my hunger, I was good to go. But I didn't really eat many people. In fact, me and my zombpire buddies (Johnny Depp and the hot chick from earlier) just harrassed a convenience store full of humans for a while (including Fazion 'Big Worm' Love of "Friday" fame!) until some new guy showed up. He was a zombpire too, but he was all delicate and flowery. He wore a cape and really liked to play golf with pool cues. Seriously, golf with pool cues.

So, this straight up queah zombpire took Johnny and Hot Girl and me to this compound where there were other zombpires living. Kind of a zombpire habitat. He made up all play his stupid billiards golf, too. Finally, after many weeks, I got tired of his leadership and challenged him. It was going to be awesome. The Hot Girl and I were going to rule over the zombpires together (Johnny Depp had been destroyed by the sun due to his low sin count), and everything was going to be okay.

Pool cues in hand, fancy-shmancy precious zombpire and I prepared to do battle. He looked at me with hatred and his eyes and said,

"I'll give you a lift to class if you want. Don't forget to print your paper."

I'm never going to dream about zombpires again. Damn it, dad.

Backlash report. Non wrestling nerds skip.

The Pay Per View Posse caught Backlash this evening, and a fine event it was. The wrestling love was rollin' thick with Keith, Andrew, and Kehn all in attendance, swearing allegiance to all that is good and WWE. A rundown for those interested.

On Heat, I (by my lonesome) was treated to Val Venis versus Matt Hardy. The Edmonton crowd was pretty into Version 1, with many "Hardy" chants being mustered. Really solid, back and forth little number that got the crowd going despite it having zero build up. Matt Hardy is an instant heat machine and it's criminal that the best use WWE can come up with for him is as a job guy before ppvs.

Keith showed up at this point, about a minute before the show started proper. He had a Burger King bag full of (appropriately) Burger King and (oddly) cigarettes. We were ready to rock.

Shelton Benjamin and Ric Flair started things off, and it was a fine match. Keith contends that everyone does the Flair Strut better than Flair nowadays, and I think he's nuts. Shelton did a bang up job selling his left leg to lead up to a Flair figure four that never came. It's the thought that counts, though. Benjamin eventually won with a flying clothesline. Just to make me extra happy, he hopped on one leg during his celebration.

Coach and Tajiri hooked up next. This match was pretty much the opposite of what I thought it was going to be. I was totally expecting a comedy match, with Coach doing a chickenshit manager routine. Instead, he took it right to Tajiri, getting a couple of amateur takedowns. Tajiri was bewildered but fired back with kicks until he accidentally struck the post on the outside when Coachman ducked. So, then Coach did an ode to Bret Hart for the rest of the match, working the leg over with stomps and leg locks. Finally, Tajiri made the big, babyface comeback but out of nowhere the remaining half of the Vanilla Jobber Connection (Garrison Cade) appeared and helped Coach win. I enjoyed the match, probably because of how much better it actually ended up being than I thought it would.

Trish and Christian versus Jericho was next. This was really good. Trish is at least 15% hotter as a heel and the joy she took in inflicting damage to Jericho was just beautiful. Christian continues to be one of the most underrated wrestlers in the world as he outworked Jericho, making every single thing he did look smooth as silk. Jericho won with his new, swanky running enzuigiri.

Andrew showed up about three quarters of the way through the last match, and still no Kehn in sight. And just in time for THIS!

Victoria versus Lita was kind of like being a week away from leaving a job that you really hate. Everything seemed to move in slow motion, and Lita has never looked less interested in wrestling. Keith's theory is that she's pregnant, a position that he went on to try to defend. "Well, maybe throughout the first trimester." Oh, Keith. Victoria won with an inside cradle.

Foley versus Orton was up next and DAMN were we stoked.

Not to get off on a rant, but the Hardcore division was one of the worst things the WWF ever did. It made the weapon shots and table bumps common place, which meant that people were taking these risks more often. Also, since the more often these stunts were performed the less they meant, it forced people like Jeff Hardy to step it up to even more insane heights, leading to the creation of the TLC matches and their ilk just to pop the crowd. Now, this was fine for the audience, because we were getting really good, exciting matches on a weekly basis. But bodies were breaking down at an accelerated rate and audience expetations were rising as the WWE itself became a game of "can you top this?" Well, Jeff Hardy's more or less retired, Edge just came back after being shelved with a broken neck for 14 months, Chris Benoit was out with the same injury for a year, ditto that for Rhyno, all four men who were involved in the TLC matches. Kurt Angle and Steve Austin's necks are a mess due to their suplex heavy wrestling styles. Granted, Angle had neck problems dating back to his Olympic training, but still, his pro career didn't help. Anyway, my point is, when you tone down the style and get back to actual wrestling, and re-educating the audience to the point where you can work a body part and go to a hold and the crowd won't immediately chant "boring", then you're doing something right. Because when you build to high spots in your matches, they mean a lot more. And in this case, with Randy Orton and Mick Foley, after more than a year of no hardcore matches, having a hardcore rules match actually MEANS something, and it wasn't just overkill.

Okay, I'm back. So, Foley/Orton. We were psyched. Right. And we had good reason to be, as this was the best brawl WWE has put out in a really long time. I don't think it was quite on the level of the Cactus Jack/Triple H street fight from January 2000, but it was very close. Randy took an absolutely insane beating, including a backfirst landing in a sea of thumb tacks, SHIRTLESS. He looked like a pink pin cushion. It was beautiful. Foley was absolutely tremendous, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's still got it. If he can put on performances like this one every few months or so, he might be able to have steady WWE employment into his late '40s. And who would have ever thought Mick Foley would last THAT long? Oh, and Orton won cleanly with the RKO onto a barbed wire bat. Awesome match.

The less said the better about the next two, as La Resistance and Rosey and the Hurricane had a match to give the crowd a break after Foley/Orton. Kehn arrived during this one, chagrined to have missed the boss Foley/Orton war. Hurricane won after interference from Eugene Dinsmore.

Edge beat Kane in a brief, unmemorable affair that did absolutely nothing for Edge's return momentum.

The three way was next, and they had a lot to live up to based on last month's match. They went thirty minutes and did an absolutely perfect finish. About twenty minutes in, Michaels had Benoit in the Sharpshooter with the referee bumped. From the back, Earl Hebner appeared and began frantically checking on Benoit. That's right. Vince McMahon will NEVER forget Survivor Series '97. Anyway, Benoit broke out of the hold, so it ended up just being a neat spot leading to this; Benoit applying the Sharpshooter to Michaels, with Triple H laid out on the outside, and Shawn tapping out clean in the middle of the ring, hopefully burying Montreal once and for all.

WHEW. Really, really good show. I had a blast watching it.

Before the bus comes

So what do you do when Andrew Patton is asleep on your couch at 4:45 am and won't move? If you said "Leave him there", you win a prize or something. Probably something. Which is nothing. Anyway, Ashley was beyond ready to go at this point and had been trying to wake him up for ten minutes, with Drewsasterous results. I was roused from my precious sleep to go deal with the situation. I don't know what Ashley's deal is, because he got up pretty quickly once I stepped in to handle business. His reactions were hysterical, though.

"Andrew?"

"WHAT!?"

"Hey man, it's time to get up."

"I KNOW!" (Sitting up and flailing arms).

After that, he stood up and strode past Ashley and me to the steps. Completely bewildered and worried that he was going to tumble down them, I looked out into the hallway and he was just standing still at the very top, not moving a muscle. Ashley thanked me and they were off, leaving me to think about whether or not Andrew was a CIA sleeper agent until I fell asleep.

Last night was the second "B-Movies and Beer" night, and the cinema fare was a step up from last week. Whereas "Cabin Fever" just felt like an exercise in self multilation, "Wrong Turn" was more like a pseudo-documentary chronicling the hunting and social habits of my extended family, and a very informative one at that. Seriously, I enjoyed "Wrong Turn" but I'm not sure what the message was. It seems sort of like a cautionary tale about inbreeding, but did that movie REALLY need to be made? Regardless, all three of us thought it was pretty boss overall.

I don't have any solid plans this weekend, so if anyone has a suggestion, I'm all ears.

Until next time, you've been blogged.

No inappropriate jokes here, folks...

So, "Weird" Al's parents are dead. Both of 'em. Carbon monoxide poisoning. How messed up is that? Of all the people in the entire world who never deserve to have anything bad happen to them, Al Yankovic is way up there. They seemed like really sweet old people any time they were interviewed, too. It's just too bad.

Onto happier things. Like Raw. I remember really liking the show, but it's a day and change later, so I'll just try to remember.

If you're going to start RAW off with a long promo, there's nobody better to do it than Foley. He blew the "Passion" line this week, and I'm surprised he mentioned it at all because he's not usually one to run things into the ground.

Screw Grandmaster Sexay's comeback. It's all about the return of the mysterious SHINOBI. I especially dug the karate face off thinkg he and Tajiri did. I knew it was Al Snow under the mask, but I kept hoping that it was Pat Tanaka or Savio Vega.

The eight man tag was loads of fun. Keith said that it was the greatest eight man tag ever, and I agreed with him last night. But upon reflection, it was a good match carried by a really hot crowd. It wasn't anywhere near the Rock and Sock, Rikishi and Too Cool versus Triple H, X-Pac, Malenko, Benoit, and Saturn 10 man from Dallas in February of 2000. (Yeah, I remember shit like that). I wish I had that match on tape. I'd like to watch it again.

The backstage segment explaining why La Resistance are now from Quebec really felt like one of those stupid Russo segments where guys would explain why they changed gimmicks. Just change the gimmick, no need to give me a backstory as to why the pedophile with a talking horse is now working as a cowboy with priapism.

But I digress...

Barry Bonds hit his 660th homerun yesterday, tying him for 3rd place all-time with his godfather, Willie Mays. Willie wasn't a roided primadona, but hey... you take what you can get, I guess.

Everybody Keeps Telling Me I Need a "Dress to Impress" Chick

His name was Illogic, he was there to say, "I'm the Illogicest guy in the U.S.A."

It's weird seeing all of the same people at every hip hop show I go to. They were all there last night at High Five, and I know they'll be at Little Brothers for the Def Jux show. Last night was pretty live, though. Having Dave in town is always a good time and last night was no exception. I never get tired of his completely misplaced enthusiasm over Hound Dogs.

It's Easter, y'allz. Today, let us celebrate the Anniversary of an event that I don't believe happened. If Jesus had risesn from the grave, motherfuckers would have stoned his harrowed hide until he bled to death again. It's a kick ass story, though. Is Jesus the third zombie in the Bible? There's Lazarus, then the little girl that Jesus brings back, and then the big J Himself, right?

I've got family committments so I'm going to cut this short, but I'll holla at y'all later. OUT.

Dave Williams - like mainlining endorphins

I'm still sort of bummed out about Julia, but the absolutely unbeatable combination of Dave Williams + Columbus has got me tapping my toes. Fie on anyone who makes L5R jokes/references in response to this post. My Dave Williams KILLS your Dave Williams. And that other Dave Williams. You know... the dead one. Drowning Pool. Yeah, so... the big ol' hip hop show with Dave and Andrew will be a blast, as usual. Just what I need.

I'M THROUGH WITH WHITE GIRLS

What is wrong with all of you hoes? I give and I give and I give... my time, my affection, my patience, and I get dumped like Misawa trying to Tiger Suplex Vader at the Budokan in '98. I appreciate the honesty and up frontness that went along with this particular break up, but god damn, it still stings. The weirdest part is that she knew she was going to break up with me today, but still let me buy her dinner at Haiku. So, I'm out a girlfriend and 45 bones. All of you female types are the Devil. To quote the ever eloquent Snoop Dogg, "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks". You tell 'em, Mister Dogg. You tell 'em.

Halloween Havoc

What up? It's Friday morning, and I'm getting ready to hop in the shower and head to my Civilization lecture. I'm also getting my hair cut. I'm getting it cut today and then in July. After that, I'm going to have it straightened and grow it out. You know why? For a really good reason. I want to have a really good looking Ric Flair costume for Halloween party season. That's right. RIC FLAIR, BITCH. Circa 1985. Hair straightened, bleached, and hopefully it stays warm this fall because I'm going to walk around with wrestling trunks and boots. I'm even going to begin a training regimen. That's right, people. I'm going to the gym so I can look like Ric Flair did 19 years ago. Not for my own personal well being. So I can look like FLAIR. FLAIR, DAMN IT. BE FAIR TO FLAIR. Okay. So, yeah. I need a sequined, feathered robe. I also need a replica WCW belt. Yes, if this all comes together, I will have the most awesome costume ever. EV-ER. E-V-E-R! E-V-A-R! I will be incredibly obnoxious about it too. Don't leave your chest opened up around me when I'm Ric Flair. You WILL get chopped. And I will probably always talk with a slight lisp; usually about how it's time to go to school, or how the fat boy in the third row should shut up because the champ is talkin'. So, now I'm going to take a shower and scurry off to class.

I just realized that I could take an entirely different approach to training if I wanted to be Dusty Rhodes for Halloween. I'd still get to do the lisp, even.

Words to remember: We just got Goth-served.

That was the best hour in Comedy Central history. No. The best hour in TV history. No, that's not quite right, either. The best hour in ALL history. I speak of course of the weekly "South Park"/Chappelle's Show" double header. It seems to pick up more steam every week, but I don't know how anything could top what I saw last night.

Between the hopeful ushering in of "you got served" into common parlance (remember, I was saying "you got served" before saying "you got served" was cool. HA!) and Wayne Brady becoming one of the funniest men in the entire world ("Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?"), this night left no prisoners in its pursuit of comedy perfection. Jabs at DDR and the return of the Goth Kids and the Raisins girls supplemented the main plot of "South Park" very nicely, while "Chappelle's Show" was just ALL about Wayne Brady redeeming himself for five seasons of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Lemmiwinks returns to "South Park" next week, so they've got a loaded gun coming in, but I don't know if anything will be able to top Leopold "Butters" Stotch's path of tap dancing carnage. The joke in the preview of "Chappelle's Show" is pretty damn weak, so I don't think Wayne's got anything to worry about either.

Singularity

So, I've been thinking about relationships and romance lately, brought on largely by the upcoming nuptials of friends Adam and Danielle. Having someone is nice, it really is. But it's also (if you're anything like me) a lot of work, worry, and grief. What's the balance? Is it worth it? The answer... is no. Maybe. I'm kind of close to giving up the search for Ms. Right fairly early in my life and being a bachelor for life. The aggravation is... aggravating. If I do decide to do this, there WILL be a stupid ceremony, I'm sure. Franz will have to oversee it. After all, who better than the friendly neighborhood bartender to usher one (officially) into self imposed bachelorhood?

Had an interesting night last night. The Ravari Room is like a wallet loosening entity from the planet "Givemeyourmoneytron 9". I can't afford to go there more than once a week any more I don't think. 2.50 for Rolling Rock? 3.50 for Molson? Fuck that, sir. FUCK THAT.

I haven't said anything about Cody recently, so I might as well. As anyone who knows where my level of geekery tops out, you know about my involvement in e-feds. Basically, it combines roleplaying and professional wrestling. I call it a creative writing outlet, but basically it's a huge confab for people with time on their hands. I'll admit it. Anyway, Cody and I started one up and it's going well so far. Lots of members, etc. We're pretty happy with it, so I just wanted to mention that.

Big ups to Franz for his assistance yesterday. The worst thing about not driving is not being able to get where you're going. Kind of logical, isn't it? Anyway, thanks for the lift, Franz. I had fun at Half Price as well. You sure are nobody's fool. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Out.

I Eat it RAW like sushi redux

Couldn't think of another RAW pun, and Lee actually seemed like he wanted some thoughts up, so I didn't feel like thinking of one.

Foley was awesome on the mic. Ain't nothing wrong with loving your flannel. Although, I've never had a flannel shirt see how much money it could get out of me getting hit in the head, though.

Matt Hardy hit an actual bulldog on RAW. Kehn didn't even notice. He had a headlock on it and everything. The cameras quick cut so you don't actually see the impact, but made sure we got a nice, long look at Jericho's shitty hair grabbing version. Thanks a lot, WWE.

Flair does ring intros and doesn't call Benjamin "boy"? What the fuck?

I wouldn't let Ric Flair blade on me, but it makes for a nice visual. The brotha was cut DEEP! Evolution is like a poor man's version of the Prophecy. Flair is a poor man's Chris Daniels, Orton is a poor man's BJ Whitmer, Triple H is a poor man's Dan Maff, and Batista... well, Batista is the Vivid video stand in, I guess.

They gave Nick Dinsmore a mentally handicapped gimmick. Last time they had someone doing a handicapped gimmick they main evented a pay per view against Vince McMahon, and then ended up working for IWA Mid South. Oh well. Dinsmore versus AJ Styles will be awesome in a few months. It's really stupid to give a retard gimmick to a mat wrestler, though. There are a dozen interchangable roided out guys in Ohio Valley who can't work a lick. Hell, give the gimmick to Rob Van Dam. His punches would actually make sense if he had Downs.

The video package from Monterrey was really nice, but how in the Hell did the RAW roster cross the border twice with out being stopped? Don't tell me that Batista's sweat doesn't constitute a controlled substance.

Shawny's comedy mic work stinks. Jesus threw the money lenders out of the temples, he didn't do Kevin Pollack schtick. It was hard not to groan all the way through that segment.

There is going to be a man... walking around town tonight... claiming to be the REAL Commander in Chief!

So, according to the venerable Dave Meltzer's Wrestling Observer web site, Ric fucking Flair is having a luncheon with Da Prez today. That makes me really happy for a reason I can't quite put my finger on. It seems to me that the only plausible explanation for such a thing happening is "The Man" wanting to size up the competition up close before throwing his hat into the ring (no pun intended) as an independent. Oh my God, now I want to mock up a Flair State of the Union Address.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank- Hey! Shut your mouth, Cheney! The President is talkin'. Oh yeah, fat boy. I've signed more constitutional amendments than you've had pieces of ass. WOOOOO!"

As You Wish

Julia, myself, and tentatively Lucas are going to see "The Princess Bride" tonight at 11. I'll be heading over from Der Mannhaus to Studio 35 at around 10:55, so hopefully I won't miss TOO much of the Passion of the Shelton on Raw. Julia's younger brother Peter is going to go as well. He thought he was going to see the movie on Friday, but had to settle for being dragged along to "Hellboy" and making out with his freaky girlfriend made up entirely of Jet Set Radio polygons. (Thanks, Lee.) Anyway, anyone reading this should also go. Why? Because "The Princess Bride" is one of the best friggin' movies ever made, that's why. Think about it. This guy right here, writing this blog, is willing to miss the last segment of RAW to see the damn thing on a big screen. I'M MISSING RAW. Do I care? No. Because I get to see fencing, fighting, true love, revenge, giants, miracles, poison, and all other manner of awesome shit. Princess Bride, yo. Do it. No, no... DO IT.

My Friday night

Not only did our intrepid band of moviegoers stand up, fight back, and walk tall, we gave evil HELL! 2/2, I'd say. America agreed, making "Hellboy" the top movie of the weekend to the tune of 23.5 million dollars, while "Walking Tall" raked in 15.3 million. Based on word of mouth and strength of reviews, I'd imagine "Hellboy" will continue to perform well, while "Walking Tall" will do just the opposite.

I actually think this was a glitch on someone's part, scheduling two fairly fanboy-intensive movies to go head-to-head like this. I mean, you have to figure there's enough of a crossover between wrestling and comic culture that a lot of folks were going to have to decide between one movie or the other this weekend... at least until they got their next allowance money.

E-mail is so passe

And not working, presently. So hopefully everyone that needs to know will read this post. Tonight, AMC Lennox, "Walking Tall" at 9:15, "Hellboy" at 11:40. Mount up, Regulators. Also, stand up... fight back... WALK TALL.

Smackdown thoughts

Big ups to Molson for helping me get through this hour and forty minutes of tape delayed rasslin'.

Big Show and Rikishi have one of my favorite types of matches: big fat guy versus another big fat guy. Seriously, if kept to five minutes or so, these kinds of matches are tons of fun. Rikishi tries to slam Show, but he's JUST TOO FAT. Show tries to headbutt Rikishi, but he's JUST TOO SAMOAN. Seriously, why would you ever, ever try to headbutt a Samoan dude? That's just asking for it. The chops and clotheslines brought on by The Big Show were very all echoy an' shit. The choke slam is pretty comical, as he barely gets 'Kish off the ground. He has bad knees so I can forgive it.

Bradshaw is great as a heel, I don't care what the "legitimate" wrestling journalists say. Giving financial advice to your limo driver is comedy gold.

Spike versus Rey Rey! Oh, no, it's Spike and Rey Rey versus Los Chavos! THAT'S A MILLION TIMES COOLER! And Chavo's got new, orgasmic theme music! AWEESOME! Spike gets the pin on Chavocito after a nice batch of dumbed down lucha stuff. And then Bradshaw comes out and kills Spike and Rey Rey. I like the tag win for Spike, but Bradshaw killing two cruiserweights brings back too many bad memories.

What is UP with Rob Van Dam lately? His spin kicks are just comically fruity at this point. I guess that's to prove that he knows Mixed Martial Arts. Fuck that. MMA 'Taker would take him to school. I am really getting tired of him being on my television machine. Fuck you, Rob Van Dam. Rob's better at selling the leg this week than last, but that's not saying very much. I haven't had enough to drink to watch Rob Van Dam ignore Charlie Haas's leg work. The finish is pretty cool, as Haas holds up a chair on the outside as Rob tries to hit him with a pescado. They get counted out, but GM Angle gives the match to Haas on points! What a dick. I love it.

"MicroTouch goes where Razors and Scissors were never meant to go." What the fuck? STICK ONE UP YOUR BUTT! Ooooooo vibraty. The grooming kit includes every grooming tool you'll ever need? 55 gallon barrel of anti-behind-the-ear-wax solvent? Awesome. Thank you MicroTouch.

Booker T versus Hardcore Holly! Jeezuz. Holly comes to the ring and I long for the sublime wrestling ability Bill DeMott. BILL. DEMOTT! Holly's punches don't suck this week. His lariat sucks though. Yes. They suck. Yes. Booker T with the unlikely offense. Nice Vertical Suplex by Holly. Did Fit Finlay take Holly aside and show him how to punch or something? Holly works on the arm and I'm kinda digging this. Booker T with the nice Flair kneedrop. Holly punches to come back and Booker T elbows out of the corner to cut him off. Holly knife edge chops to a comeback. Holly goes back to the arm and suddenly I'm really digging this. Booker T with the Hot Shot and double lariat bump to the floor as we go to a commercial. When we return, Holly takes the brunt of Booker's comical offense but Holly makes the scissor-kick look fucking beautiful. Booker takes the vertical on the floor and, for some reason, Booker T goes on offense. Booker goes for the sleeper and Holly hits a side suplex. Holly gets an extended hope spot and brings a nice dropkick for two. Booker T fires back with DA BOOKEND for two. Holly with a... something... for two and then a flashpin as Booker hits the roll-up and a handful of tights. Well THAT was 500% better than I thought it would be. So Booker T is GOD? I mean, I love the Booker Man and all, but that was Bob Holly he just carried. And DAMN what a carry job it was.

Teddy Long handing out Playa's Cards is awesome. "DOLLA DOLLA BILL!"

Eddy's got a Plymouth Falcon this week, so I can't hate that. Much better than the pick ups he's been infatuated with lately.

That's right. I forgot that this was taped in Columbus. Cena with the Cassady jersey reminds me. And then he sucks up to the Buckeyes. Well, that'll get ya over, yes sir.

You know what I noticed? Eddy doesn't wear the belt when he isn't in his wrestling gear- JUST LIKE FLAIR. He snatches the MIC! He and Angle don't like each other. Bradshaw comes out with his limo. He is fabulous being an evil overgrown redneck. Bradshaw talks about his thousand dollar hat and three thousand dollar suit! JUST LIKE FLAIR! DON'T DESECRATE MAH HAT!! Fucking beautiful. Hat-stomping is soooooo fucking old school. Eddy is your GOD.

Well, that was a better show than the preview had led me to believe. I'm still not buying Bradshaw in the ring, but as long as he keeps being the flustered redneck financier, I'm with it.

Unless of course they don't have it

Well, FUCK Media Play for not having Ring of Honor in stock. However, hooray for them having "A Life Less Ordinary" for 8.99. I picked that up as well as The Rock's last opus, the Rundown. Smackdown thoughts after I watch it.

Real update coming tonight

RAW was actually incredibly ruly this week, but it's been three days and I'm not as hyped to write about it as I was. Suffice to say that Shelton Benjamin is the MAN and if his current push keeps up, could be main eventing Wrestlemania 21. I WILL chime in with Smackdown (and Microtouch razor) thoughts later tonight, however. For now, OFF TO MEDIA PLAY! You cannot hold me back from ten dollar Ring of Honor DVDs.