Pop Culture ASPLOSION!

Tomorrow afternoon there may be a mighty, beloved Smackdown! report, but I haven't watched it yet, so no soap for now. What there will be... is POP CULTURE OVERDRIVE as I wait to leave for work.

WANTED

If anyone sees this, dead or alive, please contact me immediately. There will be a grand reward.

Spiderman: Molestation Victim! From an actual old pamphlet!

I don't know why Peter Parker trusted Skip, I mean he was a teenager with a complete head of WHITE hair. Everyone knows you can't trust albinos. Sadly, I couldn't find the rest of the pamphlet, but now I badly, badly want it.

Big thanks to my buddy Abe for IMing me with THIS and ruining my day. Basically, somebody's wolf porn gets deleted and it escalates. See for yourself.

Okay, that wasn't too pop culture-y, but I'll make up for it:

I'm about fifty pages into my zombie movie, and I've really decided that I'm writing this at the best time possible. With "Shaun of the Dead" and "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" coming out in the fall, and "28 Weeks Later", the "Day of the Dead" remake, and "Land of the Dead" all announced, it's probably the best time in history to be trying to make a ghoul flick. Hell, even Peter Jackson is talking about wanting to do something in the genre again, after he finishes up "King Kong".

So what's the problem, right? Things are good in zombie world. WRONG. One little raincloud can ALWAYS ruin a beautiful landscape. And in this case, it's Joel Schumacher. The man who did what Bane, the Joker, Two Face, and even Ra's al Guhl could not has signed on to direct "Wake the Dead", a college zombie flick where a group of students begin doing studies in reanimation. It's based on a comic book miniseries, but it might as well have come from the back of a cereal box for all the good that'll do it. Maybe Arnold can do a walk through ala "The Rundown" and say, "Everybody... CHEEEEEELLLLL."

RAW Workrate

What Worked

I enjoyed the last section of the Number One Contenders Battle Royal with Jericho and Orton working a long scaffold match section on the ring apron. Orton has gotten really fun lately, and should have a really good PPV match with Benoit.

The first 55 or so minutes of the Iron Man Match were pretty great. I really liked the work on the sternum, which was different then you generic "work the arm, work the leg" stuff. Benoit did some nice leg work which didn't really lead to much, outside of the figure four. Benoit's tope was really beautiful, as was his missed head butt, add the chair shot to the back of the neck and Benoit is trying to catch up with Austin in the "90's superworker bumping his way to traction" contest. I also really liked the use of the count out as a way to catch a fall. Helmsley was fine, although really pedestrian for most of the match. The finish with Eugene costing Hunter the match was really overbooked and stupid, and I would have at least liked to see Benoit hit a move before he got the pin. I really liked Val Venis vs. Stevie Richards on Heat. liked it alot, and I think I liked the Canadian vs. long haired guy with worked back stage pull, more than I liked the Canadian vs. long haired guy with shoot back stage pull. But really that’s no criticism of this match. It was a lot better than I expected. They did the weird WWE thing of telegraphing that this is an "important-big-match" by having both guys sell fatigue long before they did anything that should fatigue them, early early in the first fall. I liked the crossface into crucifix that won the first fall; it was a really good looking spot that they should have saved as a finish for a big match. Helmsley really shouldn't ever take dragon screws and Benoit is a little too short to be applying abdominal stretches. The blood came really late in the match as maybe it could have used some early but that late in the match it just felt like the story was already set, and it’s too late to add that kind of blood heat. Lawler did a really fucking great job covering blown stuff, but both he and Ross were lame for most of the match. Good, good match all in all. Not sure what the finish accomplishes, and I’m also unsure what the whole match is supposed to have accomplished. May not be as good or have accomplished as much as the half as long Benoit/Helmsley match from Vengeance earlier this month, but infinitely better than the last time a Canadian worked an Iron Man match against a long haired clique member.

What Didn't Work

Outside of Regal and a nice bump by Helms, that Battle Royal was a big batch of nothing. All of the workers I like get dumped early, poor Rodney Mack doesn't get the welcome he richly deserves, and they kept recycling spots from other battle royals. That Batista versus Kane stand off was, move for move, their stand off from the last RAW battle royal in June. Plus, Maven? Stevie Richards is right there. Give him the battle royal push! Nice singlet on Regal, though, and I liked him working over Orton, but he gets dumped early and it really felt like majority of this wasn't layed out at all. For a gimmick match to determine title shot, this wasn't as smartly paced or worked as the musical chairs match last month. I think Maven is painting on his eyebrows; he looks like a Chinese Opera star. And God was Grenier in their way way too long. I think that the main problem is that a battle royal for the number one contender spot is really played out and just feels like lazy booking. Why am I supposed to get excited by the Royal Rumble every January when you're running that spot on free TV before every PPV?

Kamala is an amusing idea, and he had a bunch of good cooning spots Booker T or Bob Sapp should steal, but watching Hollywood gash after Hollywood gash trying to improv with him was painful. It is clear that the Playboy model has decided that this is beneath her. When a Playboy model has too much dignity, you know that you’re running a scummy company. I did like the skinny black girl who decided that the best way to out do Kamala was to jack lines from Eddie Murphy movies; that really showed some poise.

The strippers come out in bikinis and the WWE goes for closeups. God damn did they all have those wide dilated eyes. Was their second Diva challenge to see who could snort the longest line? Maybe they DID find something searching Bischoff's office.

Didn't even have to use my A-K

I had a really fun day today, for the most part. Eric Mueller and I went boating at Alum Creek. It was the first time I'd set foot in a motor boat in the past ten years, and I think I may have discovered a new passion. I absolutely loved the experience. I even got to drive quite a bit. So much fun.

Anyway, it was a good day. Aside from having to be at Kroger's at 6:00 am, that is. Really nice time otherwise. Also, I got a part time job at Factory Card Outlet at Carriage Place. It's not glamorous, but it's work, and just what I need to hang my hat on when I go back to school.

A Reason to be Cheerful

Triple H and Chris Benoit are getting ready to wrestle for an hour tonight. Stuff like that makes me happy. There will DEFINITELY be a workrate report for this show.

The Keithertaker will be the end of us all

That picture is scary as Hell. Thank God Keith doesn't read my blog or I might have vengeance laid upon me.

Onward and upward.

This has been quite the movie week for me. Aside from "Catwoman" on Tuesday, which I've already written about, I went to see "I, Robot" on Thursday, and "Dodgeball" and "Fahrenheit 9/11" on Friday. I'd already seen the lattermost two, so I'm going to focus on "I, Robot" for now.

That was just a big batch of fun. I was working downtown at French Tailors and decided to head over to the Arena Grand to catch a 2:45 showing, and I'm so glad that I did. My curiosity about the movie had been piqued over the past week in an unexpected way, as Jason gave me his spare copy of the Asimov book (I don't know why he had a spare copy. That's how Jason gets down I guess), and I really loved most of the stories. So I basically went into the film ready to hate it, bracing myself for any liberties they took with the source material. To my surprise, there were none. Well, Doctor Susan Calvin was a hot twenty-something chick, but I can live with that. Other than this, the movie didn't try to tread in the book's world. It used the Three Laws of Robotics as its base and went from there. A lot of fun. Only one real laugh out loud cliched action movie moment and a minimum of witty banter too, so I was impressed by the restraint. My favorite scene is when Will pulls off the face of one of the robots and it's DJ JAZZY JEFF in disguise. Will is all like, "Damn ni**a, what'choo doin in this flick?" and Jazzy is like, "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MOVIE CAREER, HUH? DIE MOTHERFUCKAAAAAA!!!!!!".... now THAT was cool!

"Dodgeball" I've written about before, and it was awesome again. I've never really had occasion to write my thoughts on "Fahrenheit 9/11" though, so here goes:

A lot of people (the right) have condemned this movie (most without seeing it, probably) as being propaganda. They say that a documentary should provide both sides of an argument and that otherwise it's compromised. Aside from immediately thinking about a World War II documentary that would let the Nazis tell their side, I really began to wonder if this made any sense at all. The answer: no.

There's a difference between a film having a point of view and a film being base propoganda. Having an agenda does not mean a documentary will be bad. It just means that some people will write it off without seeing it because it's a convenient excuse for the lazy or the unbelieving.

But, some quick thoughts:

As a two hour blooper reel of Dubya and Company, it was very fine.

Nobody does musical transitions quite like Michael Moore.

That's about it. It was a powerful movie, but not on par with "Bowling for Columbine" or "Roger and Me". The only people I've encountered who had really negative things to say about it are people who had no reply when confronted with the question, "Have you SEEN the movie?" so that should tell you something. It IS a polarizing movie. But most of the people who hate it don't matter, because they're never going to see it. "I don't watch trash. The place for trash isn't in my living room." Whatevs.

Just When I Thought It Was Gonna Be A Slow Day... CHYNA-PAC BRING THE CRAZY!

Okay, so Joani (Chyna) Laurer was on Howard Stern's show yesterday morning. I didn't hear it, but after reading a couple of transcripts, these are the finer points:

-Joa... fuck it, CHYNA had an injured hand which she said she hurt training, which later became cooking.

-Chyna's being sued over a bunch of stuff and she's got this boyfriend (X-Pac) who she has to break up with because he mistreats her.

-She's been fighting lions and tigers in Japan.

-Chyna referred to Triple H as Triple Ass every time his name was brought up, and she pointed to his marriage to Stephanie McMahon as the point where her life really started to go to Hell (Is she confusing storyline with reality? Because she's been a mess for a while now, and Hunter and Steph only got married for real in October).

-Chyna revealed that she has a film of her and X-Pac making the beast with two backs and is considering RELEASING IT. (YARGH!)

-Chyna was in New York to judge a Most Beautiful Transsexual Pageant. (So... many... jokes... must... mock... Chyna... can't... pick... only thirty...)

-Chyna outed X-Pac about his current stay in a drug rehabilitation center, apparently being funded out of pocket by Triple H and Vince McMahon.

Okay, so if all of this isn't CRAZY ENOUGH... X-Pac was all, "Hey, I kind of know how to type! I better voice My (He's big on the capitalization) opinion:

From his message board:

I know I said I would not post on hwere anymore however I just learned of Joanie's comments on Stern.
 
I can only say that I am deeply hurt by what she said about my Me as far as the status of our relationship and about where I am at the present time. I love her more than anything in this world & I have never given up hope that one day we could find happiness. I recognize My part in what has gone wrong in our relationship. I wish I could change the past. I can only work towards the future. I will say that I think it was wrong of Joanie to publicize the fact that I am in treatment at this time. I am in no way ashamed of being here. Paul Levesque & Vince McMahon care about Me enough that they have paid for Me to be here at Talbott Recovery Campus in Atlanta, Georgia which is the best drug treatment center in the country. I have not worked for WWE in 2 years so the company can't pay for it , thus they are paying for it out of their own pocket. This they are doing for Me with no expectation that I will actually return to the ring.
 
I have commented on my relationship with Joanie in the past on here, but I will not respond to what she said about Me being a "druggie" other than the fact that I need to be where I am right now in order to be able to make her happy and also provide for my children. I am no longer married, but I still have two beautiful children that I love dearly. I need to be able to provide for them. I need to be able to provide for Joanie. Most of all, I need to be able to feel good about myself again. I love Joanie Laurer more than life itself. I can't express in words how much I hurt right now after learning of her comments on Howard Stern this morning. I am not angry. I only want to make her happy. As far as the this sex tape is concerned. I personally could care less if people see the tape in question. It is something I refuse to be ashamed of. It is actually very funny & in no way obscene. It is something I could never be ashamed of because it is a product of true love. So if anyone has a problem with it then I can only say that is their problem. I LOVE YOU JOANIE & I WILL UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. I will never give up on you.
 
Sean Waltman

Just... wow. Fuckin' WOW. I kind of want them back on TV all of a sudden.

A Military Action That Even I Would Support

Arab women singers complicit in rape, says Amnesty report

So... why haven't we invaded like, yesterday?

You know what the weird thing about this is? It's a military action that very few people would disagree with, because NOBODY wants to see 350,000 people dead, yet there has been no movement on it. On the other hand, roughly half the country was against the Iraq war, and even more than that now, but there was no hesitation on that front.

Purrfectly Inexcusable

"My bad"

This line, spoken by Halle Berry about half-way through "Catwoman", really caught me off guard. She was mockingly apologizing to a vile cosmetics executive for slashing his face with her super-lame Lee Press On Nails, but for a moment I thought she was breaking down the fourth wall and trying to make amends to the audience for what had come before and what was still to come.

And that's all you can really say about "Catwoman". Her bad.

Actually, that's not true. Because I've got a lot to say.

First of all, it was directed by a guy named Pitof. Yeah... more like... PIT OF DESPAIR! LOLZ!

Seriously though, what do you expect when you give a metrosexual Fenchman a comic book movie?

Halle Berry's character is named Patience Phillips, and she's kind of like Selina Kyle was in "Batman Returns", which made me hopeful for about half a second. Timid, unsure, etc. And then all comparisons to the Michelle Pfeiffer portrayal can be dropped.

Frances Conroy has a fairly substantial part as an insane middle aged woman who has a lot of cats (Substitute boyfriends for cats and you've got Ruth Fisher), but sadly, she really sucks in this. At first I thought it was because her range is limited, but I usually like Halle Berry and Benjamin Bratt too, so I think this movie just managed to suck all of the joy and life out of everyone associated with it.

Alex "Lois Griffin" Borstein is probably the best thing in this movie, as a man hungry co-worker of Patience. Damn sight better than Sharon Stone as a serious villain at least.

So, yeah. Avoid "Catwoman" like the plague unless you're hitting Carriage Place on a Tuesday in three weeks. But honestly, is any of this important? No. The important thing is, who looks best in the cat suit?






And I must say... Julie retains the crown in a walk. She can hiss at me while "seductively" rubbing catnip over her face ANY day.

And just because I thought this picture ruled...


"Hey retard, how about a hand job?"

It was a Rawed Out Posse

 
 
What Worked
 
Havong a crew over worked like a MOTHERFUCK. Jason, Keith, and Kehn (in order of arrival) lightened up the proceedings considerably and we went on to have a pretty darn good time.
 
Goddamn does Regal fucking rule. He's always had great punches, but the hand speed was incredible. He looked like a pasty British Julio Cesar Chavez, just strafing Helsmley with combos. Regal is the only guy who has the acting chops to pull off the gimmick he has been given too. When Regal took off his coat I got goosebumps. Helmsley should have bladed. Hell, Regal should have started headbutting him, fuck a blade.
 
Man, Batisita comes off like a worldbeater in his hometown. He couldn't have been more over if he came out with the Backyard Band seconding him (plus Big G would make him look short). He really had a mid 90's Vader feel in a way the WWE has never really been able to pull off before. He comes off like way more of a badass then Kane, who is booked in the same role. Match with Beniot was a blast, and I would really like to see those two go 60 instead of Benoit and Helmsley. I thought the match could of gone longer. Didn't like Hebner's tough guy schtick that foreshadowed the finish. Took a bit to get going as the early parts didn't feel as good as Benoit vs. Enos back in the day. They seemed like they were trying to work both the "face dominates" and "Batista as monster" stuff at the same time and it just didn't click for while. Then both guys took it to the streets and Batista did his tribute to Fit Finlay's fist to the ringpost on the floor spot and then followed it up with the great posting of Benoit. Both of these guys know how to take brawl and I would dig a falls count anywhere match between the two. From there on that match was on fire.
 
Kane looked kind of tentative and crappy, but the match was good enough to squeak in the what worked category. Jericho is a fine Tommy Dreamer, but Kane is a really subpar Brian Lee. I did really like the finish though. BATISTA BITCHES. Why do they insist on running this match again and again, though? The first part of match was infinitely better than last weeks match-up. Kane looked awful but Jericho had his shit together and it came together. They restarted and I cringed. Man, I've seen these two against each other 1,812 times, I need to see it twice in one night? But fuck, it was actively good. I liked this alot more than the rest of the guys I think. WWE/F has done alot of fake Dreamer/Lee matches. This was easily the best.
 
Orton and Edge clearly got ahold of Pro Wrestling NOAH's Tokyo Dome show. (I GOT MINE!) because they were working Akiyama vs. Kobashi for some reason. You had your meaningless mat work, your early subsequently ignored bodypart work, forearm exchanges, nasty ring apron and barrier spots, and then some finishers getting kicked out of. This match had more selling then Kobashi vs. Akyama though, and a nicely placed ref bump, which the NOAH match could have used. NOAH doesn't really need ref bumps, though. They just need more schtick. You watch Kobashi vs. Misawa from Budokan last year, and after the mat work but before the big apron spot it's like they don't know what to do, so they just do meaningless suplexes. They need to learn some comedy spots. The match would be so much better if they knew how to call time out like Arn Anderson or do midget comedy spots. Misawa and Kobashi never developed any midget comedy spots to work into their matches. Because screw Bret, that's what keeps Kobashi and Misawa from being as great as Flair. Oh yeah, I liked Edge vs. Randy Orton too, but kept thinking for a Canadian vs. an Orton this wasn't as good as any of the Cowboy's matches with Ronnie Garvin.
 
What Didn't Work
 
I don't care how much they pimp it, because I remember the last time a Clique member had an iron man match with a Canadian. Luger used to talk about things making him "sick to his stomach" alot. He seemed to always work something about his gastro-conditioning into all his mic work. He never really had a catchphrase but he had that leight motif. Helmsley jacks it but Helmsley doesn't have Luger's abs. Instead, we have 15 minutes of Helmsley rubbing his belly like me in anticipation of barbecue. Helmsley really needs to avoid touching his belly during mic work. I buy a guy that fat having gas though. I don't really buy a guy that fat doing 60 minutes of anything but watching TV.
 
The Divas stuff is death. I remember when WWF used to use a hard mat. Ten divas bouncing around in the ring and you realized that they were on an ECW fricking trampoline. Changed the mat but not the ring style, what a bunch of dumb asses. Plus people shit on Bischoff's acting all the time and he's been written really poor material but damn he may be the only guy they have who could possibly work with ad-libbing strippers. I hope they were ad-libbing; otherwise, compared to Diva contestant acting, that Matt/Lita scene was like Cassavetes and Julianne Moore doing Tennesse Williams. I was also amused at the DC audience starting "Goldberg" chants during backstage segments. Old WCW territory audience knows exactly what to do during Nitro girls skits. I do like Coach telling the Divas to turn around as a shoutout to the D.C. audience, but those were some flat asses for the District. No wonder they had to de-mike the booing crowd. None of those blondes was fat enough for a D.C. crowd to want to fuck.
 
Who layed out tonights show? Up to main event it was all about big guy/lil guy matches. You run Grenier/Tajiri, Tomko/Shane Helms, Batista/Benoit, and Jericho/Kane all in a row and each loses some of its impact. God were the first two of those matches unwatchable. I feel sorry for Jim Cornette. I mean, you watch those matches and it really looks like any minute Tomko and Grenier are going to get sent back for him to have to deal with. Poor guy had to release Trailer Park Trash and Flash Flannagan and got stuck working with Mordecai and Tomko for years now. Johnny Cash is dead and Jay Z is retired, what else is Rick Rubin going to do with his time now... give Corny some money. Trailer Park Trash is just sitting around Scotland doing nothing.

Run Low Ki, Run!

Low Ki thinks he has a hot date, but in reality he is in danger of THE TRANNY SURPRISE!
 
Okay, so Low Ki probably knows that he's posing with transvestite wrestler Pimpinella Escarlata, but it's still a funny picture. Onward and upward.
 
It's been a few days since I posted, and we even got a mini flame war because of it. Good to have you on board, Jason. I just hope you and Ashley don't kill one another.
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To Adam: YES, I would like a phat assed metal comp.
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A recruiter came to my house this afternoon. I was working in the front lawn, digging up sod and the guy said that he was in the neighborhood and just wanted to talk to me. I told him that I was medically incapable of joining the military, but he persisted, so finally I told him that even if I were fit, I wouldn't join. Not during this administration, not during this point in time. Not until military service becomes less of a scam. So he basically called me worthless and left. I didn't really care what that jackass said, but it got me thinking about what I meant by "scam". The word just sort of spilled out. I knew I felt strongly about it, but I had to think about why. So...
 
WARNING: MILITARY RANT IN 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO!
 
There was a time when service in the United States military was honorable and professionally rewarding, but because of politicians using the military to pump up corporate profits instead of defending us, that was a long time ago. I honestly believe that Americans with personal integrity should boycott the volunteer military and discourage everyone they care about to do the same. Can't find a job? Whatever happened to personal responsibility? I'd rather sleep under a bridge, eating trash out of a Dumpster, than murder human beings for Halliburton.
 
Okay, rant over. And I hate coming off super leftist, because I really don't think I am, but for the love of God do the Bushies ever piss me off.
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THE RETURN: WDT3THIC?!!!!!!!!?
 
Bret Hart
Bob Backlund
Wendi Richter

Pimphood, Thy Name is Fez!

In the past two years, Wilmer Valderama has been a playa whirlwind of immense proportions. First, there was
 

 
More like Party of Two! Then, he moved on to
 

 
Following this Dark Angel, Wilmer chose his next target in the person of
 

 
Even Fez himself got sick of so much Candy. So now... this man... this GOD... has moved on. He is now plying this young woman with his tender love
 

 
No matter how much I hate him for taking away this Freaky little number, I cannot help but bow to his power. All of you should too.

The New Hotness
 
Well, some time between my post this afternoon and now Blogspot has made their interface HTML idiot friendly. What that means for me is... not a whole lot, because I actually bothered to learn some of this stuff. If only I had held off... no, then you all would have missed seven months of bloggin' goodness. But yeah, way to dumb things down well after I needed it, guys.
 
Andrew, Lucas, Jason and I rolled thick over to Andyman's Treehouse for a rare early bird double bill of the above pictured local act, Fat Girls By the Snack Table, and Oakland based Gravy Train.
 

The Black Man is Not Shy About his Penis. NO HOMO
 
Between the two bands, I got a pretty thorough rockin' in. Fat Girls especially, as I quickly developed a school boy crush on the lead singer. She was very appreciative of all the insane dancing the boys and I were participating in, as the Cool Bots DID appear to be out in force (Thanks, Andrew). I'm sure that Andrew will review the show much more thoroughly than I, right over here. All I know is that I've gotta see the Fat Girls again once their hiatus is over.
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There was a rumor bouncing around today about Jessica Simpson sending an audition tape to the producers of X-Men 3, and how they wanted to cast her as Dazzler. It's been discredited by a bunch of major sites already, but I'm ALL for this. Dazzler may be the most terrible mutant ever conceived, but if her existing in the Fox X-Men universe allows me to see Jessica Simpson run around in a tight costume, bring it on. AGAIN.
 

I Like B00Bz
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I think I need to go on a journey of METAL discovery this month. Anybody got any suggestions?
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So, Courtney Love has been institutionalized, and all I can say is, ABOUT FUCKING TIME.
 
All She Wanted Was a Pepsi
 
I just hope she has enough socked away to pay for Frances Bean's inevitable massive psychotherapy.
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And to close it out, a supplement from the Kirk Cameron post
 

BONER!

Peace, y'alls.

George Romero UP!

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day emotionally, but god damn does this make me smile. According to Variety, "Land of the Dead" (nee "Dead Reckoning" and "Twilight of the Dead") has been backed by a new company called Atmosphere films and given a fifteen million dollar budget, which for a Romero film is pretty freaking substantial.

Here's the synopsis from Variety, from an article that likens the film to "The Road Warrior" as filtered through the "Night of the Living Dead" chassis:

"In Romero's new pic, the zombies have taken over the world and those left alive are confined to a walled-in city that keeps out the corpse corps. Anarchy rules the streets, with the wealthy insulated and living in fortified skyscrapers. Drama revolves around a group of scavengers who must thwart an attempt to overthrow the city while the dead are evolving from brainless slow-moving creatures into more advanced creatures."

DAAAAAAAAAAMN. That's some fucked up shit. Evolving zombies? I'm so amped for this one. Plus, it'll be nice to see this on a movie screen:

Random... Tre...dux?

Okay, lots of short items today. And... BEGIN!

Watched a movie on Sci-Fi Network last night called "Barbarian Invasions". Sooooo French Canadian. I didn't hate this nearly as much as I was set to hate it. I only wanted all of the old people to die already. And it wasn't kind to the Canadian health care system... just sayin'.
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Insane Comic Auction

This is just nuts. You have to see it.
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I just heard Sheryl Crow's cover of "Sweet Child of Mine" and despite not even liking the original song, I was horribly, horribly offended by her version. That got me to thinking; even though there are a lot of great cover songs, there are even more abhorrently bad covers if you just look for them a little bit. Here are a few to get us started:

Celine Dion and Anastascia's live cover of "You Shook Me All Night Long" That's right, Celine fucking Dion covering fucking AC/DC. I wish I could find the video for it though, as it would make for a good Christmas present for Dave.

Rumor has it there's a live version of Avril Lavigne covering "Chop Suey" out there somewhere, so sound unheard, it gets included.

Now, I'm a little hesitant to stick Britney's cover of "I Love Rock and Roll" in here because it's pretty much untouchable thanks to its involvement in "Crossroads", but when she was interviewed about it, she said she wanted it in the movie because she loved Pat Benatar. So, yeah... sorry to say, it has to be included.

There was supposed to be a nu-metal Faith No More tribute album. I don't know if it came out, but if it did, I nominate every song on that.

Please, bring the pain with your own picks!

RAW is War is LIFE... IN A BUN

What Worked

So I'm watching Val Venis vs. Tomko on heat and really digging it a ton, as oddly Venis is as tall as Tomko and the two had a nice "two big guys" slugfest. Last week I wrote about how I really liked Batista's monster work but wanted to see him in a "two big guys" slugfest kind of match. I wanted to see if he could do it. My complaint about Edge in the past has been that he works like a wrestler a foot shorter than him. Edge is legit tall, but he works like Spike Dudley, an underdog who takes a beating and then has lots of big spots he can hit out of nowhere. Lately, Edge has been stepping up and working a little more like a dominant tall guy... maybe it's just the forearms. Opening section of this match left me still unsure of both guys as it didn't feel as good as Venis/Tomko. But then it just really came together. I really like the way Batista sells. I liked the crumple sell for the leg lariat, loved the way he took the impaler, was amused by his Adrian Adonis style bump from being dropped accross top rope, and also dug his fatigue sell after the Demon Bomb. Has Edge always had a missile drop kick that good?

Tomko can't execute anything during run-ins, but is actually kind of fine in the ring. Takes a nice couple of in-ring bumps, and jacks Al Green's back elbows in the corner, plus he actually hits his finisher. Not as good as his shockingly great Heat match, but fine stuff. Also, he has one of the best fist drops I've ever seen. Like, Dibiase level good.

People talking to me today who saw Vengeance were pimping Rhyno's Gore as being better than Edge's spear. FOOLS. I really dug Conway bumping like freak to get over Rhyno's stuff. He even made the GOAR look decent. Conway is the first guy in recent memory on a show with Flair to take a high backdrop better then Flair.

And speaking of which, damn Flair vs. Helms was great. This totally makes me want to go to Bash at the Beach to see the NWA title match this sets up. Oh, wait. :( Flair kind of punishes Helms in a very dickish way in the beginning, and then makes Helms look really strong, before beating him. Helms looked super in this too, especially the way he took Flair's chop blocks. I was expecting this to be run as a really mediocre Flair vs. Robert Gibson (yeah, Helms is a lot better than Gibson but you know what I mean) style, with Flair just too old to work that match well. Instead this was worked like a really great Flair vs. Eaton (yeah, Helms is better than that too, but you know). This beats out the Edge vs. Batista match as match of show because the Edge one took too long to get going.

Eugene's German Suplexes and crossface looked really good, but there were innumerable problems with this match. Nice blade job though. You'd think for Benoit working a "I don't want to hurt you" match, they would have started with some matwork where he's working for pinfalls or something, but no. I didn't like the match. Liked Regal's run in, though.


What Didn't Work

Man is the the Diva search stuff punishing. The first two girls' on air presence was terrible, as they both had sort of a nervous shout going on. The Korean girl who went second was kind of cute in a "now that I am relaxed, here is $20 to finish me off" way. The Playboy model was the only one who had any poise, plus she was carny enough to cock tease the King, but this is clearly a way to create new girls for them to pimp to Playboy and take 60% of the money. Hef already has shots of this girls pink, so she clearly isn't going to win.

Maybe it's that I had just watched the absolutely horrible acting in the Evolution locker room, or that I listened to some diva contestant whose delivery was horrible, or maybe it was the absolute shittiness of Kane's reaction shot huffing and puffing... but I thought that Lita's acting and delivery were really good tonight. She seemed like she almost was able to turn this into the kind of really fun redneck angle that Lee would book if he had been running Georgia in the '80s. Unfortunately, Kane's acting stank and instead of working ugly asshole truck dipatcher, he's working "Pontiff of Perversity". Last week, Lawler refered to the no holds barred match as being a "Baby's Daddy" match. It would have ruled if they worked it like a New Jack match with "who dat is? dat's just my baby's daddy" played for the whole match instead of "Natural Born Killers". That only works if it's a a match between a truck dispatcher and a guy who sells airbrushed T-shirts at the fair. For a minute there, Lita made me believe that I was watching that angle. Then Kane got all demonic with his mic work, puffed his cheeks and fucked it up. I don't understand why they're doing the Kane as horror movie evil schtick when it kills the ability of anyone to have a meaningful storyline when they work him.

Christ. Jericho and Kane had that 6 month feud over spilt latte's, they can't put together a 7 minute TV match. Holy crap did this match suck ass. I mean, just ass. Neither guy seemed to be on same page. Made me nostalgic for the Kane/X-pac series. They do a drop neck across the top rope spot, which they had done in almost every match on the show and it didn't look as good as when Tomko did it.

That's just SAD.

Kirk Cameron has officially lost it

The Way of the Master

Chicken Mercies
Kirk Cameron
The Way of the Master

I am writing this article from New Orleans, Louisiana during the city's most decadent party of the year--Mardi gras. Parades everywhere, bars open 24/7, open alcohol container laws, public flashers, colorful beads and coins flying through the air are what make this a pre-Lent party destination for hundreds of thousands. I, however, am here for a different reason; Chelsea and I are on location, filming a new Growing Pains reunion movie with all the Seavers.

As you can imagine, I'm desperate to see my unsaved TV family members come to the Lord, and my heart is thrilled by this opportunity to share the gospel with them. But I have a problem.

Let me give you some behind-the-scenes, Seaver family background. E! Entertainment recently did a special on my spirituality in which they interviewed my TV family, airing their negative comments about my conversion to Christianity. Even the Growing Pains producers were wildly frustrated with me, due to my "content issues," and they didn't hesitate to voice their disapproval, and as a result, I'm a bit nervous about talking with them about the things of God.

So here I am on the set, welling up with zeal to share my faith with these people I love, while at the same time feeling like an evangelistic chicken. Have you ever felt that way with people closest to you? My heart pounds with compassion to speak with Ben, Carol, Jason and Maggie (Chrissy is a believer!), but that stifling fear of rejection and ridicule is always there to try and shut me up.

If you could see me in the spiritual realm, I would be the guy in the chicken suit--covered with feathers, walking around the set with webbed feet, pathetically struggling to open his beak and let out even a single "chirp" for the Lord.

In light of my dilemma, I asked the Lord to open doors for conversations about the gospel and fill me with courage and compassion for the lost. Shortly afterward, the doors began to open. The cast and I were at a swanky restaurant reception when Alan Thicke (Jason Seaver) told me that he'd heard from a friend of his that I had preached a provocative message ("Soundly Saved") at a church recently and that he wanted to talk about it. He then shared some of his spiritual beliefs with me and I had a brief opportunity to do the same with him. A feather from my suit fell to the ground.

On the way home from the party, Jeremy Miller (Ben Seaver) said he had seen an episode of The Way of the Master and was interested in seeing more. We talked briefly about the program and I gave him the "Private Screening" DVD and a copy of Hell's Best Kept Secret. He said he'd check them out and let me know his thoughts. Later, he saw The Passion of the Christ, was in tears, shell-shocked, and said he was ready to listen to the CD I'd given him. We went to dinner and he asked for another copy of the CD to give to his girlfriend.

The next day, I was talking with Ashley Johnson (Chrissy) about The Way of the Master and gave her a copy of "Soundly Saved" when I heard "Oh Kirk, I want one of those!" It was Joanna Kerns (Maggie) wanting to learn more about my new ministry.

To top it off, Joe Scarborough and MSNBC called me, wanting to do a 15 minute interview regarding my views of The Passion of the Christ and Christianity in Hollywood, which will give me a chance to declare the true, biblical gospel to millions of people.

On the way home, I asked my taxi cab driver if he had seen the movie. He said he hadn't and that he was a French atheist--a "child of Voltaire." I reasoned with him about the existence of God and the truth about his sin and desperate need of forgiveness. I told him I'd pray for him even though he didn't yet believe in God, so that listen to his conscience and come to his senses and embrace the gift God has offered in Christ. He thanked me and took a "Good News/Bad News" Ice Breaker to read later.

In the past few days, I have had the privilege of sharing the gospel with drivers, cameramen, electricians, police officers, and local visitors and teenagers. It seems that God in His grace saw my weakness, and responded to my prayers by sending me special encouragement and opportunities to share my faith.

If you fear sharing your faith, pray for chicken mercies. Watch as God opens the doors, and then be sure to walk through them.

For more articles by Kirk Cameron, and many tools that will help you learn to share your faith, visit http://www.wayofthemaster.com

If the guy says he's an atheist, let him be an atheist. He's not going to eat your fucking children; he's just going to keep driving his cab and going about his life.

For the record, though: Kirk's site is amazing. And I'm down with G-O-D, but as far as I'm concerned, this is the only "Master" I'll ever need.

It begins... we're never going to get rid of this guy.

U.S. Mulling How to Delay Nov. Vote in Case of Attack

And even if we DO get attacked, it's just going to galvanize so many people's support of Bush. This is starting to look bleak.

YOUR Smackdown Recap! Well, 90 minutes of it anyway.

The Smackdown! love returns for at least one week, as I didn't totally hate this show. HOORAY!

I'm really late however, as the VCR decided not to kick in until about half an hour into the show for reasons beyond my comprehension.

This will be suitably truncated.

WHAT WORKED

Hey! I turn the video machine on and Billy Kidman hits the Shooting Star Press and he and Paul London are World Tag Team Champions! Why, that's pretty fucking cool. I'm assuming the match was built around Paul London's superior babyface selling. When we return, the Dudleys aren't happy. The postmatch indie handshake would have been better if the Dudleys had clotheslined them and left them in a pool of their own blood. But I'll take it.

Perfectly groom bushy eyebrows IN SECONDS! They still hide the fact in the commercial that MicroTouch isn't available to placate the ladies' love anymore, Now that information on its sleek and sassy wife, the BikiniTouch, has been leaked to the press. We could all use a little BikiniTouch. Mmmmmm soooothe me, BikiniTouch, yeah, sooothe me... so smooth. I'm now so hairless...

Kenzo loves America. Fucking shitheads in Winnipeg don't understand that immigrants come to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave every day to get a second chance in life. God knows Kenzo Suzuki has to be happy that he is getting a second chance in the WWE because God knows he couldn't cut the mustard in Japan. The more his geisha talks the more I join the 47 year old virgins who are spurting out chalky, gummy loads of spunk over their Lando Calrissian figurine onto their Samurai Jack autographed original artwork cels. We come back from commercial and John Cena shows up. Oh. It has nothing to do with Kenzo Suzuki. Oh, actually it does. Luther Reigns helps Kenzo because he can't sit idly by and let Cena suck up to Canadians at the expense of an immigrant to the sacred soil of America. Fuck THAT. Break his fucking neck, Reigns! Do it for the Spirit of America! Luther Reigns is a great American hero and you should thank him for standing up for American Pioneer Values. This great nation was built on the backs of people who struggled to reach these shores to find a better life. THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER, BREAK HIM! BREAK HIM! BREAK HIM FOR THE GOOD OF THE HUDDLED MASSES THAT YEARN TO BREATHE FREE. FUCK YEAH. BREAK HIM!

El Grand Luchadore isn't Paul London this time so this doesn't get me all stiff and bulging. WHO COULD IT BE? JBL's hand sanitizer is fucking brilliant. I don't know if y'all have ever heard Paul Harvey, but he will go on and on about how everyone should do the Harvey Handshake, which is a "snappy salute", because shaking hands spreads so many germs. It's fucking creepy. Really creepy. Like What The Fuck Does This Guy Have Buried In His Basement-level creepy. Everyone who listens to the freakish weirdness of Paul Harvey knows EXACTLY what that's all about. Isn't El Grande Luchadore WEARING EDDY'S PANTS? Could it... could it... could it... SWEET TOP ROPE Belly to Back SUPLEX by JBL. Eddy shows up on the other side and HIJINX ENSUES! Eddy is the SECOND BEST VILLANO EVER! And they do the switch! Eddy is the BEST POSSIBLE MIDNIGHT RIDER! JBL looks fucking great selling the Mr. America's offense. El Grande Luchador does the full Charlie Brown From Out of Town hint and we all hope that they can find Brian Pillman to assume the mask and state that HE IS EL GRAND LUCHADORE while Eddy holds the microphone. That would rule. This wasn't bad at all though, from a fun and goofy angle standpoint.

Rey Rey and Spike and Scotty and Chavo and Akio and Jamie Noble all wrestle each other. Rey Rey goes all Monterey with the spinning High Octapus Hold. Chavo with the Cobra Clutch VARIATION~! Noble is awesome in his Benoit Lite wrestling turn. I love a short clothesline. Rey Rey is fucking great with the babyface comebacks and Chavo is fucking beautifuller with the Rudo cutoffs. Chavo bumps like a freak to the floor. Noble cuts off Scotty's comeback with an EXACT BENOIT FOREARM TO THE HEAD- open mouth and everything. Spike is fun with the nearfall. Scotty is smoked like a cheap cigar but doesn't bring it down. Akio kills himself for your pleasure and Jamie Benoit kills Spike with the Lyger Bomb and it's New Japantastic! Fun.

Cena and Booker T have a little match. Cena is busted up so Booker T controls early! Booker works the arm and Cena does that selling that he does so well. Booker's offense is goofy in the cutting off of the comeback of Cena. Cena does a Road Warrior Hawk House Afire comeback with the lariat and shoulder block. The fist drop actually looked good this week. They avoid each others finishers and Cena bumps big to the floor. Angle whacks Cena with a cane. And we go to a commercial. Join me as we think about Lucas's pretty hair. It's driving a 1973 SuperSport and it does a powerslide iinto a roadhouse on the side of a desert road. Its leather jacket is dusty. Its faded jeans are torn. Its black t-shirt has the album cover from Nazareth's "No Mean City" on it. It lights a cigarrette and smiles a grim smile at me and I jump in the car without opening the door! It gets a wheel as it runs over the Harleys of the gang that fucked with it earlier. It opens an ice cold Blue Ribbon and hands it to me. I chug it like a man and slowly and with uncertain anticipation I take off my shirt... And we're back! Booker T with a bunch of two counts. Cena is selling everything pretty well. Cena with the Flair last ditch shoulder up and it's pretty fun. Booker T with the multiple pin attempts as Cena sells like he is dead. Cena with a roll-up and he leans into Booker T's lariat like a fucking CHAMP. Cena ducks one of those shitty Booker T kicks and Booker T makes his DDT look fucking beautiful. Booker with a nice vertical suplex for two. Straight punches to the face and Cena starts the Steamboat comeback sequence. Hijinx at ringside and Booker T misses a shitty finisher kick and Cena hits the FU annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd the shitty run in. Good little match with a shitty finish. Postmatch, it gets retarded as Angle strips Cena of the title. Soooooooooooooo shhhhhhtupid.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

There is STILL no chemistry between Booker T and Josh. Josh tries to make it work but they are from two different worlds. Their movements are awkward and cautionary. They make moves towards each other but it's empty gestures that leave no ordinance. Josh never sees the shining light of happiness that Booker T should give to him. Booker T's naked eyes never enter Josh's private world. Booker T is wide and deep as an ocean but Josh will never be breathless and relieved on his shores...

DeVon acts like this an 8th grade production of Brigadoon. Well, it wasn't THAT good. They are upset that Spike Dudley isn't WWE Champion yet for some reason.

The diva search makes me realize that some women don't have the self-esteem to get facialed on UncutBFIdriverBigLoads.com and would settle for being confused with the rest of the transexuals in the WWE.

The Heyman/MUGAtaker relationship gets even more completely retarded this week. He returns the urn. Yes he does. The urn is returned. The urn was gone but now Heyman has returned it. The urn is back. The urn is no longer out of the possession of Undertaker. The urn is UTs. The urn. Golden. Returned. Heyman is repenant. But nothing actually happens. Because this angle sucks. And it's really long.

The Crazy World commercial makes want to put cigars out on punkass twenty-something spokesman's forehead until a sore forms that's so infected that he would need my pee to disinfect it. Then I would pee on him so he would be disinfected. And he would learn a stern lesson: my pee is important to him now.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

Even saw the lights of the Good Year Blimp, and it said, "Jack Chick's a PIMP!"

That's right, fallows. Time for a brand spankin' new CHICK TRACT.

The Peacemaker

This time, ol' Jack's bringin' the word to the 'hood. Because if you're a gangbanger, you don't respect cops, and you might not respect God... but you don't fuck with GRANDMA.

VIVA LA CHICK!

EDWARDS UP!

I gleefully await the Edwards/Cheney debates.

Edwards: I'm concerned with the conflicts of interest generated by the Vice President's ongoing relationship with Haliburton.

Cheney: Fuck you, you fucking fuck! I'll kick your fucking ass you fucking cunt! Goddammit, where is my... OH! MY HEART! FUCK! PADDLES! FUCKING PADDLES!

Of course, I just know that Cheney would do an Undertaker sit up after being defibrillated and Bush would jump 20 points in the polls.

Oh, and thanks to the New York Post for this Dewey/Truman 2K4 moment



Vince McMahon: The Post screwed the Post.

This coming Sunday. (SUNDAY, SUNDAY!)

I actually really want to see the RAW brand's Vengeance ppv, not only for the swank lineup, but also because a new friend of mine who is relocating to Columbus next month has expressed interest in coming to town for the event. He's a big time wrestling nerd, so I hope we can welcome him with open arms. We being Lee, Kehn, and Keith at this point, I guess. Still, it's a show I'd really love to order and watch with you all, so tell me yay or nay.

If you haven't been following, the announced lineup so far is

World Championship
Chris Benoit (c) versus Triple H

Intercontinental Championship
Randy Orton (c) versus Edge

Chris Jericho versus Batista

Tag Team Championships
La Resistance (c) versus Ric Flair and Eugene

No DQ Baby's Daddy Match
Matt Hardy versus Kane

They'll probably throw a couple more matches on top, but I think Benoit and Triple H are going to go pretty long, so maybe not.

Anyway, I know SFU is on Sunday, but thankfully, there's the magical taping machine mcjigger.

Rock, Paper, Saddam!

I hope none of you guys have seen this yet. It killed me.

Rock, paper, Saddam!

Happy Independence Day, by the way.

4th of July Special WDT3THIC! YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!

Revolutionary Hero
child's game
a kick in the testicles

Go to it! Do it for John Adams!

Wanna puke!?

6 Pound Burger Challenge!

For the benefit of the lazy...

Eatery offers 6-pound burger challenge

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

CLEARFIELD, Pa. -- People from New York and Ohio come to Denny's Beer Barrel Pub for a pretty big hamburger: 6 pounds of beef, one large onion, two whole tomatoes, a half a head of lettuce, 1 1/4 pounds of cheese, top and bottom buns, and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish, banana peppers and some pickles.

On Monday, the eatery hosted the Burger Challenge, which will be featured on TV's Food Network. The behemoth burger, known as Ye Olde 96er, and other large ones are featured on the menu for anyone daring enough to give it a try.

"We already had a 2- and 3-pound challenge, which I thought were awesome, but my daughter was going to Clarion University and she called and said 'Dad, I think somebody up here has a 4-pounder,' which is bigger than us and I said 'Oh yeah, well today we have a 6-pounder.' That's exactly how it was conceived," said Denny Leigey Sr., the restaurant's owner.

Those who try to tame the 6-pound hamburger have a time limit: They must do it in three hours or less.

Competitive eater Eric Badlands Booker has tried it three times. On his last try, he stayed at the restaurant for 7 1/2 hours and ate the entire burger.



Rachel Pittman, who works at Denny's, was the only woman competing this week.

"I'm probably not going to get the whole thing down, but I'm going to try to," Pittman said. "If I can get the meat down, I'll be happy."

It gets better. Oh MY does it get better. Because this guy has PICTURES.






What a quintessentially American photo...

I'm not even sure how you'd eat that thing. I'd go in with a fork and knife, to be honest.