A Day for Dave (Not Kwon)

The Blogaversary post is a work in progress (it's pretty chunky), so in the meantime, I thought I would be remiss if I didn't honor the accomplishments of one "Big" Dave Bautista, the winner of the 2005 Royal Rumble, and as it sits, one half of the Wrestlemania 21 main event.


Batista as 'Leviathan' in Ohio Valley Wrestling

I didn't really see much in Batista early on. I remember hearing Jim Cornette say back in 2001 (when Batista was still cutting his teeth in Kentucky based Ohio Valley Wrestling) that he was a can't miss future Wrestlemania main eventer. He actually said "Wrestlemania main eventer". That's a lot of stock to put in someone who at that point had had maybe fifty professional matches. But after a shaky start on the main WWE roster (who else remembers Reverend D-Von's whipping boy, Deacon Batista?) and a couple of stints on the injured reserve, Batista joined up with Evolution (I may hate Triple H, but he's the right guy to get the rub from) and started working with better wrestlers on a consistent basis.


Deacon Batista guards the poor box

I think it must have been Wrestlemania 20 when things started clicking for me where Batista is concerned. He's not a great wrestler, by any means. But he only does the things that he can do well, the mark of a smart wrestler. He has an intensity unmatched by any wrestler in WWE today (and not seen in major league wrestling since the initial appearance of Bill Goldberg in WCW) and it makes everything he does seem urgent, like it means something. Add to that the fact that his character is developing layers, and he himself is becoming quite a gifted, nuanced actor (by professional wrestling standards). He's not in the league of a Mick Foley or William Regal, but he more than holds his own in backstage confabs with Ric Flair and Triple H on a weekly basis.


Big Dave triumphant in the Royal Rumble match

The main thing about Batista that will make him an enormous superstar in 2005 is his believability. I think it was on this very blog many months ago that I stated, "Kane plays a monster on TV. Batista IS a monster." After years of big men like Nathan Jones, Matt Morgan, John Heidenreich and the lamentable Gene Snitsky, it's a wonderful change of pace to have a big man like Batista fucking up people's entire week each and every Monday. I declare this, January 31st, to be "Big Dave Day". You earned it, pal. You truly are the man.


Even if I didn't like him, this picture would strike enough fear in me to declare a day for him anyway

WHERE'S HIS SECOND HEAD!?

So, I got to see the toy lineup for the upcoming Hitchhiker's Guide Movie. Notice anything about Zaphod? Anything at all? What have they done!?



I'm still hopeful, sort of. Apparently his head rolls back like a wheel to reveal the other. I don't know why they'd screw with something so familiar though.

HYPE!!!!!

Don't forget to tune in this weekend for my first annual BLOGAVERSARY post. It was January 22nd, 2004 when I got this bitch started, and 159 posts later, it's still sputtering along. Remember along with me the good and bad of the first year. The triumph, the tragedy, the ill fated "What Do These Three Things Have In Common?". It'll all be here. Keep your eyes peeled.



See? Krypto totally has the right idea.

One short note about RAW last night

RATIO FOR TIMES THREATENED TO TAKE AN INANIMATE OBJECT AND STICK IT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE

Rock: 0 for infinity
Big Dave: 1 for 1

Batista is king sized.

I Don't Want No Scrubs?

You know, if I wasn't already sold on the show in a major way, the box art for Scrubs Season One probably would have caused me to never even consider the show as a potential buy.



What the Hell is on that spoon?

Also, I'm never missing a Tough and Lovely show again, if I can help it. Wow that was a lot of rock squeezed into forty minutes.

Man About Town

Here's my official theory on what happened tonight with the Jean Grae/Diverse show at Little Brothers. Ready?

THIS Jean Grey



recently became aware of THIS Jean Grae



and decided to use her mastery of psychokinesis to keep her far, far away from Columbus. And poor Diverse was just collateral damage. Somehow, I feel that this nefarious plot was aided by THESE shady characters



AHA! So we meet at last, Lone Samoan! Who's your faggot Indian friend?

(I actually just wanted to post that picture of CM Punk and Samoa Joe, because Joe is wearing a Lone Ranger mask, and that works on so many levels)

Anyway, what we got to see was pretty tasty. One of Spitball's better sets (for my money, at least), although rowdy white kids sacrificed a hard plastic chair to appease their hip hop messiahs in the process. Blueprint broke the fourth wall and transformed from audience member to performer in an effort to kill time waiting for the main event. We got to hear some new jams from his upcoming record too, so I can't hate that. All in all, I don't feel like I wasted my money, but I really would have liked to see Diverse again. I'm sure I'll have another chance. Anyhow, it's late right now, and this guy's gotta be up at 5 in the morn.' Holla back.

Monday musings (why?)

As far as yesterday's agenda went, I DID watch the Colts-Pats game. Well, three quarters of it. ASS. I mean, damn. What a terrible game. I hate you, Tom Brady. On the sorta good side of the docket, I spent entirely too much money at Media Play and Best Buy, taking advantage of coupons and an exchange on a DVD I already owned. So I ended up with; the first two Hellboy trade paperbacks, the Shins, "Oh, Inverted World" CD, the new "Leon the Professional" two discer, and yes... the daddy, FARSCAPE SEASON FOUR.



High pimp of everythang, Ben Browder sez: "Alien bitches like the Apollo Rocket... OF LOVE."

TNA got a big ol' pass from me, and according to reports I read, that was an okay thing. RAW's got Benoit versus Jericho out of the "spirit of competition", which I guess means they just want to put on a hot match for the sake of putting on a hot match. Fine by me. Also, Snitsky versus Kane: THE BLOWOFF!

Didn't make it to Bernie's, and thank God. I barely got any sleep as it was. This is a big week for shows, though. Heroes of History and Mors Ontologica on Wednesday, Jean Grae Thursday, um... something Friday (I'm sure Andrew will remind me) and Tough and Lovely and You're So Bossy on Saturday night.

So, that's the deal, Shaquille. I'm off to enjoy my one night of doing absolutely nothing this week. Peace see ya later.

You know who rocks? My UNCLE.

Ritchey Brothers Band/Sens - Little Brothers, January 15th, 2005

Yes. YES! I finally got to see the Ritchey Brothers Band last night, and they RULED. Sens was kind of "eh". I felt bad because it was their farewell show, but I just wasn't feelin' it and it didn't seem like the other twelve people in attendance were either. Actually, it wasn't that bad, attendance-wise. Young, drunken hippie slores were abundant, most of them dating members of the middle aged bands though, seemingly. But none of that mattered once the lights came on (and the lights seriously came on. I felt like I was at a show at least twice the size of the one I was actually at; light dude went NUTZ), because the Ritchey Brothers, and their band, know how to sling some guns. Despite a couple of iffy lyrics like, "You're in St. Louis, but I'm in MISERY", it was a jammin' good time. I even got to use a Cowboy Bebop joke in reference to it that nobody got, making me feel foolish. Thanks, jerks. Thanks a lot.

Aside from that, I got to see my T1 favorite cousin, Annie! (My other T1 favorite cousin was left at his crib with the plague or something. "Freaks and Geeks" were had by all, though.) Annie is always a delight to hang out with, and I really don't take advantage of it enough. Anyway, the Ritchey's are playing Lil' Bros again on Saturday, February 26th, so it'd be cool if people could check them out. I don't know if I'll be too tired from RING OF HONOR IN DAYTON the night before, but I'll give it a shot. Speaking of which, I'm gonna get organized on that Ring of Honor show soon. I'll send an E-mail to all the potentially interested parties about ticket prices and shiz.

Tonight I've got a full docket, between watching the Colts and the Patriots, buying Farscape Season 4 (LEE YOU READ THAT RIGHT! IT'S ON, BITCH!), going back and forth on whether or not to reward NWA TNA for their shoddy booking by ordering their ppv, and finally, heading to Bernie's for a Racist Joe/Spitball doubleheader. Yes. Work will be a blast tomorrow. Peace, homeys.

Much a post about nothing. (Wow. What a horrible title)

If CM Punk wasn't around to post livejournal entries containing drunken Harley Race stories, who would be?

In other news, um... yeah. I've got nothing, so here's Elisha Cuthbert and Mila Kunis. Cue Andrew with the Paul Barman ref.

For those who watched New Year's Revolution last night...

From Dave Meltzer at WrestlingObserver.com:

"Here is a weekend WWE injury update. Lita suffered what looks like a knee sprain last night, so it is believed she won't be requiring surgery. We'll try and get an update on that for tomorrow after she gets checked today by her doctor. Eugene suffered a dislocated kneecap and may have torn his patella. Rob Van Dam also has a knee injury and may need surgery depending on the MRI results."

So, the Eugene thing... officially NOT a work. Didn't know about the Van Dam thing. If he needs surgery, it would be only his second injury requiring time off in his entire career, which is pretty impressive considering the style he works. Anyway, thought the grossed out contingent might be interested in that stuff.

Also, Keith, the VCD works, very unfortunately.

Oh, and this, gleaned from the Ring of Honor website in regards to the February 25th Dayton show, just cracked me up:

"Prince Nana has stated that he is not impressed that AJ Styles is returning to ROH in Dayton on 2/25 to take on Jimmy Rave. Nana said he will raise taxes in Ghana, West Africa to sign the top free agent in the wrestling business and this man will debut as part of The Embassy in Dayton."

Yes, TAX those Ghanans!

Birthday biz and Smackdown thoughts

White Noise/84 Nash double header is still a go. I hope people show up. I told Andrew 8:15 for White Noise, though it just occurred to me that even though it's a Michael Keaton movie, it may sell out on its opening night. With that, I bring you slightly less bad wrestling than usual!

WHAT WORKED

Hey! It's Eddy! And REY REY! Ring Girl Diva is sitting in a puddle of her own Pennzoil. Fuck, they are wrestling each other! I missed Eddy and Rey Rey during the holidays. Eddy starts with the AWWWESOME CRAVATE~! and you fucking love it. Eddy is Rudo Deluxe rolling with the Rey Rey rana. Rey with preposterous Lucha roll-ups. Eddy takes it to the mat and they work into running off the ropes until Eddy cuts him off with the INVERTED powerbomb. FEEL THE INVERSE! Inversion slows down Rey. Eddy works an armbar as this goes straight from Arena Mexico to the Greensboro Coliseum as Eddy grinds Rey up like Ole Anderson grinding up the Rock N Roll Express. Eddy says, "ASK HIM!" and you know you are watching Professional Wrestling. Eddy cuts Rey off after Rey hits the ropes and ties him to the Tree Of Woe and puts the boots to him and it's fucking great. Eddy crushes his testicles missing a straight-ahead facescrape of Rey and we go to commercial. Rey is working on the arm as we get back. Rey hits the SWEET Spinning DDT that Eddy makes look fucking GODLIKE. Rey with the Sleeper. Eddy goes for the flashpin but the roles have reversed and Rey cuts off Eddy. Eddy fights out of the Sleeper and they elaborately set-up the FAUX MORTAL~! Eddy cheats to offense and Rey Monkey Flips to cut him off. Rey misses the Toprope Rana. Fun nearfall after Rey rolls into a dropkick to a seated Eddy's face. Rey kills the ref. Eddy goes for the big comedy finish. They save the match with giant batch of Finish after the laufter dies down. That makes me want to see them have a true blood fued again. HEAT IT UP! The Indie Respect Hug HAS to lead up to the Fake Hug LARIAT.

I am sooooooooooooo up for Cena being Kenzo's Rhymin' BITCH!

Funaki wrestles Akio. Akio with the nice forearms. Carlito is pointlessly wandering around ringside. Akio starts to wrestle like Steve Blackman 99 and it is so a batch of competent wrestling. Akio takes the Rolling DDT like a MAN though. Postmatch, ring girl doesn't spew the woman fluid for Carlito and Carlito goes all Fratboy On An Impending Gangbang on her.

MicroTouch. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU THIS HOLIDAY? Why did you desert me and not fill my stocking? Why couldn't I have you and stab that fuckin Subway Commercial asshole in the eye with it and prune the giant pussy that must permeate every square inch of his being.

I love Angle's hometown hero challenge. Brian Black from CONNECTICUT! He actually looks like what Lucas would look like if you made him hang out Jason Giambi and inject his urine samples for an off-season. Oop, it's over.

I didn't really pay much attention to Basham versus RVD. Nice moonsault to the floor by RVD. Basham was suitably angry and kicky. I assume the Bashams won because Rey was sent to the back.

Hoss Gracie (Undertaker) returns and carries Heidenreich to a quite passable basic wrestling match but then I turned the station to watch the end of MXC. I heart that show.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

KENZO IN THE UNCLE SAM OUTFIT IS FUCKING AAAAAAAWWESOME! Kenzo sooooooooooooo fucking serves Cena's ass. Cena offers to blow semen on Hiroko's face. Kenzo and Hiroko are so much cooler than Bad Punch Boy. Cena brings out leathery strippers. Like REAL MEN needed anything other Kenzo and Hiroko performing to BRING THE WOOD, DADDY.

Angle and Breasty Von Milkwagons talk in private!~ Private means on camera! Juglina O' Chestpets squirts her cooterspray and hypnotizes Angle into fucking her postmatch. I bet THAT private moment doesn't make the camera. WWE is the hollow and venal work of SATAN.
Kenny Rogers without the First Edition is festering piles of dogshit. If it was all songs like "Heed The Call" and not shitty duets with Dolly (which truly sucks as Dolly is deeply supressing every country music instinct she has in those) it wouldn't be so soul-stealingly shitty. She fucking sang fucking "SOMEONE I USED TO KNOW." YOU CAN'T de-COUNTRIFY THAT SAME SINGER and expect me not want fucking smack you with the back of my hand. Kenny Rogers was enough of a shitty self-loathing country singer to make it bad enough, but to spread his disease to folks who have sang songs actual real men and women could drink beer to is so fucking stomach-churning.

God, this Heidenreich versus Undertaker feud is reaching Bret Hart versus Isaac Yankem levels of Jesus, Who Gives a Shit?

I stand corrected. Angle getting noooooooooood with the Fake Breasted Dive #237645 is on camera. Angle should have funnier underpants. It was Puh-LENTY retarded though. Huzzah. Big Show and Angle have a Three's Company moment as Big Show assumes the role of the 450 pound chain-smoking Mr Furley walking in on Angle and Mrs. Roper. Luther Reigns sells like a perfectly fine roided out Larry the Neighbor to Angle's smaller bump-taking Jack Tripper. Jindrack is, as ever, quite the Joyce DeWitt of the show.

THERE YOU HAVE IT

Birthday bashin'

I think the plan is for folks to go see White Noise at 8:30 at the Lennox and then head to Bourbon Street to catch 84 Nash and other bands. Um... yeah, that's about it. Be there or be square, I guess.