WHAT WORKED
ACK! William Regal is the Interim General Manager thanks to Tiffany being in a car wreck. A CAR WRECK. Regal books Christian versus himself, Kozlov, Zeke, and Zack Ryder in a 4 on 1 handicap match. Something tells me that he’s not completely impartial.
Backstage with The Ruthless Roundtable, and Regal is gabbin’ on the celly with Tiffany. She forces him to change tonight’s main event to an eight man tag, with Christian’s partners being Yoshi Tatsu, Tommy Dreamer, and Goldust! WOOHOO! Ryder questions Regal’s credentials as a GM as a result of this. Why? He didn’t make the decision!
Pirate Paul and Katie are out to be inappropriately close. Shelton Benjamin is his opponent tonight, and I have no idea whether or not he’s a baby face. I know for sure that Paul is a heel because he hates the Hurricane, but Shelton hates Sheamus, who is definitely a heel. Speak of the Devil, Sheamus is out to attack Shelton from behind. And also to be pale. Mostly that. He runs Shelton chest first into the ring post and stomps away. I suspect that we may not get a match here. Sheamus throws Shelton back in. Is this actually going to be a match? The referee asks Shelton if he wants to go, and he motions for Pirate Paul to bring it on. The ref allows it. This ref would have his license revoked in Nevada. Paul works him over in the corner and drills him with a nice Saito suplex for a near fall. Burchill finds some neat ways to work over Shelton’s arm, and repeatedly cuts off his comebacks by going back to the limb. Another suplex from Paul, this time of the backdrop variety, and back to the arm. Crowd gets into Shelton, chanting for him to make a real comeback. He powers up to his feet, but gets suplexed. Shelton drops down onto his feet and reaches back for a nice neck breaker. Both men down, and Burchill cuts him off yet again. Okay, this is starting to get a little repetitive. Burchill going for a superplex, Shelton shoves Burchill off the top, and WHIFFS on a blockbuster attempt! Paul drops a knee and covers, two count only. Back to the arm. I GET IT, PAUL. Shelton makes a one-armed comeback, and then nails his finisher out of nowhere for the win. Good match, but the storyline detracted from it.
The Ruthless Table come out together for the main event, which means I may have to hear Zack Ryder’s theme song. We go to break. Hopefully he’ll enter during the commercial. OH RADIO TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW. I hate your song, Zack Ryder. I fear it’s eventually going to make me hate you by association. Goldust needs his old letterboxed entrance with the weird camera angles. YOSHI TATSU’S MUSIC! He waves to the fans because he’s a nice guy and certainly not a creep! Tommy and Zack start, then Goldust comes in as his 2009 Miracle Comeback continues. Matt Striker just called a top rope ax handle the BURNING HAMMER OF YOSHI TATSU. An ax handle. AN AX HANDLE. That is NOT a Burning Hammer. He knows better! Whatever, I can focus again. Lots of quick tags in this one. Nobody has spent more than 45 seconds or so in the ring at any one time. Striker calls a Christian spot the Flash Point for the second week in a row, so I guess that’s the official name for his running, diving forearm smash. Tommy Dreamer goes up top! Fly, fat boy, fly! Aw, he gets cut off. That’s too bad. Dreamer’s getting worked over by all four RULE BREAKERS with Regal laying in a particularly great beating. Christian gets a hot tag but then starts selling big time, so I’d suspect we’ve got the real hot tag coming up. Christian’s strategy to reach his corner is to jump right into the arms of Valdimir Kozlov. What a doofus. His plan did not work. Christian finally makes the tag to Yoshi Tatsu, who Striker refers to as the Falcon Arrow. For Christ’s sake, Matt. You watch a lot of Japanese wrestling. I understand. He and Paul Burchill need to form some kind of belaboring the point themed tag team. Things start breaking down, and Christian gets in his sweet Silver King dive. This leave Yoshi and Regal alone in the ring, with Yoshi hitting his high kick for the… pin! Wow. That was fun, and it means more of YOSHI TATSU’S MUSIC! Ugh. Striker has to call Tatsu the Puroresu Prince just to make sure I don’t leave the show on a happy note.
WHAT DIDN’T WORK
Tony Atlas is out and unfortunately, I now know what that means. The Abraham Washington Show. His guest is John Morrison. The Smackdown! wrestler. Not an ECW wrestler. Is it so important to get the Abraham Washington Show on every episode that they have to poach guys from other brands? Woo, more white people jokes, and just one day after Al Sharpton hosted RAW. Tremendous. Dolph Ziggler appears. Are we acknowledging that ECW and Smackdown! tape together now? If not, why would Dolph be there tonight? I’m thinking about this way more than they did. More “Mr. Ziggles” stuff, which is not at all over. The segment ends with Dolph never saying a word. WHAT WAS THIS?
Christian’s talking to his partners backstage, psyching them up for the main event. Horrible honor-based bowing comedy with Yoshi Tatsu. Even worse comedy with Goldust. This didn’t work, and it certainly didn’t make me want to see them be a team.
AND THAT’S THE WAY IT WAS!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Homer the Whopper
It took 21 seasons, but they finally managed to combine a "Homer gets a wacky new job" episode with a "Homer gets in shape" episode AND a "Homer gets even more out of shape" episode. Never did I think all three standard Homer episode types would converge like this, but there you have it. Still, a funny retread.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Vivid Video
I can always tell when my medication is working really well. Beyond the whole not passing out thing, the best indication is whether or not my dreams are really vivid. And last night? Boy howdy.
I went out to the back porch, and there was a lion in the yard. I made some scary noises at it but it didn't budge. Back into the house I went, carefully locking the door behind me. I went to find my dad and tell him about the whole lion thing, but I happened to look out a window and now there was no lion, but a Bengal tiger, a bear, and some kind of weird otter looking creature, but giant. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. I was told that I had dialed the physical therapy hot line. I hung up and went to find my dad again. This time I located him, trying on suits in his suit closet. I told him about the zoo out back and that I was going to call the cops. He seemed fine with this, so I did. I was put on hold by 9-1-1 like something out of a comedy sketch or an N.W.A. music video. I tried to explain my emergency to the first human voice I heard on the other line, and was quickly put on hold again. So I hung up. The wild animal part of the dream somehow resolved itself and I was back in high school, on a class trip to India.
CAHS in 2009 in my dream was much different than CAHS when I actually went there. For one thing, we took a class trip to India. For another, Lucas and Keith were there. No sight seeing for me as I was quickly nabbed at our hotel by an American federal agent. I'm not entirely sure why he wanted to arrest me, but it seemed to have something to do with my 9-1-1 call. I was put on a sort of informal trial where my sister's journal entries were read aloud in order to call my character into question. I tried to explain that I really had seen a lion, but nobody cared. That night, a strange man told us that he had a safe place for us all to go, away from my captors. So we went with him on a rickety bus, to some kind of mining facility. You see, he WORKED us, and now we were slave laborers. It gets kind of fuzzy here, but Lucas kind of disappeared while Keith and I worked out an escape plan that involved baseball tickets. The guards didn't buy it, so Keith just shoved me out the front door of the building into a giant parking lot where we both fled the evil Indian slavers. Sadly, they caught up to us with guns and we gave ourselves up.
Then... absolutely no idea, because the next thing I remember I was in CAHS's auditorium, talking to Lucas about our failed escape attempt and the stupid lion that got me into this mess in the first place. Lucas was concerned that I may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, so I shouted at him, clearly exhibiting no such behavior. Then there was some kind of weird aside about Andrew Patton arriving at the school and all the girls swooning. I made a joke about how he and I were a gay couple and everyone was perfectly willing to buy it. :(
I never got any resolution about the menagerie in my backyard, or why my government cared so much about it, but I did learn one important thing: never base an escape plan around baseball tickets. Especially in India.
Also, never call 9-1-1. It is a joke.
I went out to the back porch, and there was a lion in the yard. I made some scary noises at it but it didn't budge. Back into the house I went, carefully locking the door behind me. I went to find my dad and tell him about the whole lion thing, but I happened to look out a window and now there was no lion, but a Bengal tiger, a bear, and some kind of weird otter looking creature, but giant. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. I was told that I had dialed the physical therapy hot line. I hung up and went to find my dad again. This time I located him, trying on suits in his suit closet. I told him about the zoo out back and that I was going to call the cops. He seemed fine with this, so I did. I was put on hold by 9-1-1 like something out of a comedy sketch or an N.W.A. music video. I tried to explain my emergency to the first human voice I heard on the other line, and was quickly put on hold again. So I hung up. The wild animal part of the dream somehow resolved itself and I was back in high school, on a class trip to India.
CAHS in 2009 in my dream was much different than CAHS when I actually went there. For one thing, we took a class trip to India. For another, Lucas and Keith were there. No sight seeing for me as I was quickly nabbed at our hotel by an American federal agent. I'm not entirely sure why he wanted to arrest me, but it seemed to have something to do with my 9-1-1 call. I was put on a sort of informal trial where my sister's journal entries were read aloud in order to call my character into question. I tried to explain that I really had seen a lion, but nobody cared. That night, a strange man told us that he had a safe place for us all to go, away from my captors. So we went with him on a rickety bus, to some kind of mining facility. You see, he WORKED us, and now we were slave laborers. It gets kind of fuzzy here, but Lucas kind of disappeared while Keith and I worked out an escape plan that involved baseball tickets. The guards didn't buy it, so Keith just shoved me out the front door of the building into a giant parking lot where we both fled the evil Indian slavers. Sadly, they caught up to us with guns and we gave ourselves up.
Then... absolutely no idea, because the next thing I remember I was in CAHS's auditorium, talking to Lucas about our failed escape attempt and the stupid lion that got me into this mess in the first place. Lucas was concerned that I may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, so I shouted at him, clearly exhibiting no such behavior. Then there was some kind of weird aside about Andrew Patton arriving at the school and all the girls swooning. I made a joke about how he and I were a gay couple and everyone was perfectly willing to buy it. :(
I never got any resolution about the menagerie in my backyard, or why my government cared so much about it, but I did learn one important thing: never base an escape plan around baseball tickets. Especially in India.
Also, never call 9-1-1. It is a joke.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
NapDaddy’s Smiletime Workrate Report for ECW on Syfy, September 22nd, 2009
WHAT WORKED
Woo! Yoshi Tatsu! And more importantly, YOSHI TATSU'S MUSIC! His opponent is Pirate Paul, as if anyone cares. Yoshi's wearing his Mitsuharu Misawa commemorative tights. Yoshi with a nice pescado, up top, Burchill cuts him off with a fisherman's superplex. That's not something you see every day. Burchill cuts a Yoshi comeback off with a cool Samoan drop. Burchill will more MOVESET as he uses Bubba Ray Dudley's old full nelson ass buster. Burchill turns the full nelson into a cobra clutch, and he and Yoshi cop the old Austin/Hart Survivor Series 1996 spot with Yoshi kicking off the turnbuckles into a pin. Paul Burchill has clearly seen that match, as he lets go of the hold and doesn't get pinned. Yoshi with a kicktastic comeback as they get to their feet. Yoshi with a graceful top rope spinning wheel kick for a near fall. Burchill cuts him off with a knee to the gut and goes up top. Burchill with an awesome top rope knee drop and I totally bought that near fall. Yoshi drops down behind Paul on a slam attempt, and catches him with his right high kick right to the base of the skull. Super fun match, and I get to hear Yoshi's music TWICE since he won!
More great music, as Regal and his boys, Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov. Oh boy! It's a squash match! The jobbers are DUSTIN BRADY and BRANDON YOUNG. Both of them have decent tans and real wrestling gear. Unacceptable. The jobber union will be furious. Brandon Young strikes a pose upon being announced, and I hate him already. He's showing far too much personality for a jobber. Kozlov kills Brandon with a headbutt and tags in Zeke. Dustin Brady tags himself in, so he's clearly an idiot. Hard Irish whips and BIG BACK HITS abound. This is fantastic entertainment. Zeke pins Brady after his standing Rock Bottom. Just brutal. Brandon tries to help his friend recover feeling in his fingers and gets laid out by Kozlov for his trouble. Regal, Kozlov, and Zeke are an amazing trio.
After the commercial break, the aforementioned trio run into Goldust backstage. Regal versus Goldust on Superstars this Thursday! I might actually have to watch that show for once.
Christian stares at his belt like a lover, as if he's afraid he might lose it to ZACK RYDER. You're not THAT good an actor, Christian.
I want to see Zombieland. Also, the sun is bright.
Christian enters first. Jesse Ventura would be appalled to see the champ have to come to the ring first. Zack Ryder's music begins with the line "Oh radio, tell me everything you know." WHAT? This match should be good, despite that. Tony Chimel is doing the ring introductions after the music stops. I like when they do that because it gives things a more special feel, but do you really need to do that for Zack Ryder? Ryder's offensive arsenal early on consists entirely of knees to the gut, punctuated by shouts of "Come on, bro!" Christian dropkicks Ryder to the floor and then his his swank Silver King dive. Christian, by the way, is really awesome at being a professional wrestler. We go to break at a weird juncture, with Ryder stomping away. Why not hit the break after the dive? I'm going to get a soda. I return to see more midgets. It's not even a Dave & Buster's commercial. I hate this channel. We're back and at least Ryder is still on offense. I hate it when one guy is in command at the break, and by the time they get back, there's been a transition. Matt Striker tries to compare Zack Ryder's career path to Christian's. I know it's his job to be a shill, but at least shill realistically. Ryder keps going back to the gut, even busting out a Stun Gun onto the top rope. I get distracted by wireless netowork issues and Ryder is still working the gut. Christian hits a move that Matt Striker calls THE FLASHPOINT like he's been doing it for ten years. Christian tries for a sunset flip but Ryder goes all Davey Boy on him for a near fall. This match is actually really heating up. Christian finally lands the Killswitch for the win after a bunch of counters and reversals. Great match there.
Regal's music plays and out he comes with a microphone. Regal still considers himself to be the top contender. Christian rudely interrupts him with fisticuffs. OH IT'S ON.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
Tony Atlas introduces us to the Abraham Washington Show. I've never actually seen one of these. I'm watching in real time so I'm kind of stuck. Someone leaning on his air horn is by far the most entertaining part of this. Abraham's guest is Sheamus, and this is dead before it even begins. Apparently Sheamus and Shelton Benjamin are feuding. I had no idea, and I watch this show. Tony Atlas playing Ed McMahon off in the corner is absolutely hideous. Shelton Benjamin is invited out to further drag down the level of charisma on stage. More god awful comedy as we debate the merits of being a Celtic warrior versus being Sisqo. Sheamus jumps Shelton and they have a fairly decent brawl, wrecking the talk show set. Thank God this ended. That was TEN MINUTES.
Zack Ryder cuts a promo hyping up his title shot in the main event. He's not good at pretending to be intense. Nothing to this.
Gregory Helms interviews Katie Lea who is CONVINCED that he is the Hurricane. Pirate Paul jumps Helms and apparently this feud can't end.
Smackdown! Rebound segment. I wouldn't even bother with it, but I had to watch the horrible goofiness of Undertaker kidnapping Teddy Long again.
Did I miss something as it regards the Dave & Buster's ad campaign? Why is someone's "fun" a midget version of themselves? I feel like I'm walking before learning to crawl with these commercials.
AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS!
Woo! Yoshi Tatsu! And more importantly, YOSHI TATSU'S MUSIC! His opponent is Pirate Paul, as if anyone cares. Yoshi's wearing his Mitsuharu Misawa commemorative tights. Yoshi with a nice pescado, up top, Burchill cuts him off with a fisherman's superplex. That's not something you see every day. Burchill cuts a Yoshi comeback off with a cool Samoan drop. Burchill will more MOVESET as he uses Bubba Ray Dudley's old full nelson ass buster. Burchill turns the full nelson into a cobra clutch, and he and Yoshi cop the old Austin/Hart Survivor Series 1996 spot with Yoshi kicking off the turnbuckles into a pin. Paul Burchill has clearly seen that match, as he lets go of the hold and doesn't get pinned. Yoshi with a kicktastic comeback as they get to their feet. Yoshi with a graceful top rope spinning wheel kick for a near fall. Burchill cuts him off with a knee to the gut and goes up top. Burchill with an awesome top rope knee drop and I totally bought that near fall. Yoshi drops down behind Paul on a slam attempt, and catches him with his right high kick right to the base of the skull. Super fun match, and I get to hear Yoshi's music TWICE since he won!
More great music, as Regal and his boys, Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov. Oh boy! It's a squash match! The jobbers are DUSTIN BRADY and BRANDON YOUNG. Both of them have decent tans and real wrestling gear. Unacceptable. The jobber union will be furious. Brandon Young strikes a pose upon being announced, and I hate him already. He's showing far too much personality for a jobber. Kozlov kills Brandon with a headbutt and tags in Zeke. Dustin Brady tags himself in, so he's clearly an idiot. Hard Irish whips and BIG BACK HITS abound. This is fantastic entertainment. Zeke pins Brady after his standing Rock Bottom. Just brutal. Brandon tries to help his friend recover feeling in his fingers and gets laid out by Kozlov for his trouble. Regal, Kozlov, and Zeke are an amazing trio.
After the commercial break, the aforementioned trio run into Goldust backstage. Regal versus Goldust on Superstars this Thursday! I might actually have to watch that show for once.
Christian stares at his belt like a lover, as if he's afraid he might lose it to ZACK RYDER. You're not THAT good an actor, Christian.
I want to see Zombieland. Also, the sun is bright.
Christian enters first. Jesse Ventura would be appalled to see the champ have to come to the ring first. Zack Ryder's music begins with the line "Oh radio, tell me everything you know." WHAT? This match should be good, despite that. Tony Chimel is doing the ring introductions after the music stops. I like when they do that because it gives things a more special feel, but do you really need to do that for Zack Ryder? Ryder's offensive arsenal early on consists entirely of knees to the gut, punctuated by shouts of "Come on, bro!" Christian dropkicks Ryder to the floor and then his his swank Silver King dive. Christian, by the way, is really awesome at being a professional wrestler. We go to break at a weird juncture, with Ryder stomping away. Why not hit the break after the dive? I'm going to get a soda. I return to see more midgets. It's not even a Dave & Buster's commercial. I hate this channel. We're back and at least Ryder is still on offense. I hate it when one guy is in command at the break, and by the time they get back, there's been a transition. Matt Striker tries to compare Zack Ryder's career path to Christian's. I know it's his job to be a shill, but at least shill realistically. Ryder keps going back to the gut, even busting out a Stun Gun onto the top rope. I get distracted by wireless netowork issues and Ryder is still working the gut. Christian hits a move that Matt Striker calls THE FLASHPOINT like he's been doing it for ten years. Christian tries for a sunset flip but Ryder goes all Davey Boy on him for a near fall. This match is actually really heating up. Christian finally lands the Killswitch for the win after a bunch of counters and reversals. Great match there.
Regal's music plays and out he comes with a microphone. Regal still considers himself to be the top contender. Christian rudely interrupts him with fisticuffs. OH IT'S ON.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
Tony Atlas introduces us to the Abraham Washington Show. I've never actually seen one of these. I'm watching in real time so I'm kind of stuck. Someone leaning on his air horn is by far the most entertaining part of this. Abraham's guest is Sheamus, and this is dead before it even begins. Apparently Sheamus and Shelton Benjamin are feuding. I had no idea, and I watch this show. Tony Atlas playing Ed McMahon off in the corner is absolutely hideous. Shelton Benjamin is invited out to further drag down the level of charisma on stage. More god awful comedy as we debate the merits of being a Celtic warrior versus being Sisqo. Sheamus jumps Shelton and they have a fairly decent brawl, wrecking the talk show set. Thank God this ended. That was TEN MINUTES.
Zack Ryder cuts a promo hyping up his title shot in the main event. He's not good at pretending to be intense. Nothing to this.
Gregory Helms interviews Katie Lea who is CONVINCED that he is the Hurricane. Pirate Paul jumps Helms and apparently this feud can't end.
Smackdown! Rebound segment. I wouldn't even bother with it, but I had to watch the horrible goofiness of Undertaker kidnapping Teddy Long again.
Did I miss something as it regards the Dave & Buster's ad campaign? Why is someone's "fun" a midget version of themselves? I feel like I'm walking before learning to crawl with these commercials.
AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Vitriol
What a no buys day this turned out to be. The Browns got schooled by the DENVER BRONCOS and I missed out on pulled pork due to laying on a bench for nearly three hours. Not a bad bench though. I left Franz's couch cushions out on the porch. I hope someone finds them before it rains. Also, I hate being dizzy. It's such garbage. I was feeling halfway decent most of today and then WHAM, wake me up before I fall down! Made me miss Road House too. I would seriously trade my left arm for not being dizzy ever again. And I'm left handed. I'd trade a leg and an arm. Or just both legs. Hell, I'll just be a torso with a head if it means never having to feel this way any more. So many solutions, most of them unrealistic. Because I know that if, for example, I cut my arm off, it wouldn't cure my dizziness. I'm just saying that if it were in my power to make that deal, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
NapDaddy’s Smiletime Workrate Report for WWE Friday Night Smackdown!, September 18th, 2009
WHAT WORKED
Hey, here comes Big Dave, not wearing a suit. Times are tight. He just shouted into the camera for absolutely no reason. This is awesome. Jericho out to interrupt the Animal just as he was running out of things to say. Super timing, Chris! Jericho IS wearing a suit. Jericho is patronizing and insincere, film at 11. This somehow sets up a match for later. Decent segment, but it’s hard to get too excited about the same basic Jericho promo after a year and a half of them.
Jericho is hollerin’ at Big Show for letting Batista give hima spinebuster. Show looks exactly like Angry Amish Roadkill when he wears a vest. It’s freaky. TENSION BETWEEN THE TEAMMATES!
John Morrison’s entrance video still has a shot of him hitting the midget with a move. Is that what babyfaces do? Dolph Ziggler on commentary for this match between the aforementioned Morrison and Super Genius Mike Knox. Tonight he’s explaining Restless Leg Syndrome to us. Thanks, Mike Knox! I think Knox is getting to the point where he’s a little bit underrated. He was called up before he was ready and people kind of wrote him off. He’s improved a ton. Morrison’s break dancing based offense is much better suited to a Streets of Rage sequel than a wrestling match, but that’s just one man’s opinion. We go to commercial and I think about Lucas’s pretty, pretty hair. Just kidding. We’re back and Mike Knox has… procured… THE… CHIN LOCK! Dolph Ziggler sucks at being a commentator I should mention. Morrison hit the coolest, smoothest spinning counter into a DDT I’ve ever seen. So many people try it, and it always looks jerky and erratic. Good on ya, John. Todd Grisham just said “Speaking of big and hard.” I swear to God. Morrison finishes with his twisting split legged moonsault and this was a fun, short match thanks in no part to Mike Knox’s preposterous running cross body press.
Teddy Long has an encounter with Vince McMahon. There is much silent staring at one another. Vince has his pride hurt by Teddy’s refusal to put his picture up in his office. Quite a scorned lover back story going on here between the lines. I can’t hate these two together. Vince orders Teddy to go out and explain himself.
CM Punk is here to save the day after the cartoony Undertaker badness below. A fan with a “CM CROOK” sign gets this off to a great start. Punk is proud of his completely clean, scientific victory over the Undertaker last Sunday. AS HE SHOULD BE. For a white guy who listens to hardcore music, CM Punk sure says “you people” a lot. HMMM. The usual CM Punk preaching, but it’s still fresh, unlike Jericho’s rap. CM Punk informs me that I am inadequate and I cry into my beer. Hey, Jim Ross just called Punk a “Second City Saint.” Cool!
Jericho takes on Batista in the main event, and I expect this to be pretty good. Actually pretty methodical early, as Jericho works over Batista’s knee, then stops and switches to a chin lock for reasons still at large. Batista with the BLACK HOLE SLAM. Could it be foreshadowing an inter-promotional battle with Abyss? No? All right. Jericho cuts off a Batista comeback with an enzuigiri for a near fall and this is starting to pick up. Foolishly, Jericho goes to the top rope and gets waylaid with a clothesline. After a few more nearfalls, Batista finishes Jericho with the Liger bomb. Short match. Batista must not be quite at 100% yet.
WHAT DIDN’T WORK
In what universe would I ever want to boo Teddy Long? They’d better give him less awesome theme music. He could do a straight swap with the show’s current opening theme. Just hideous. I actually long for the days of “The Beautiful People.” Not the TNA act, the Marilyn Manson song.
Morrison on the mic after his match, calling Ziggler a fag or something. Lame. This “Mr. Ziggles” thing is so wretched. Ziggler shouting “That’s not my name” in a very matter of fact manner almost saved it. Not quite.
Referee Scott Armstrong tries to explain his screwing of the Undertaker on Sunday night. God bless him, but he’s not been blessed with his brother Road Dogg’s gift of gab.
Melina’s ring entrance just doesn’t stack up very favorably to that of the Beautiful People. Not the Marilyn Manson song, the TNA act. Michelle McCool’s heel selling is very entertaining. I hope that’s not the only positive thing I say about this match. Actually, Michelle’s offense is looking pretty good as well. Could she be the secret Smackdown! super worker? “We want Bret” chant just completely out of nowhere. Too much shrillness in this here Diva match. Oh God. I spoke too soon. Melina’s screaming is unbearable. This is going on the lower half just for that. Melina wins a non-title match, go to Hell.
After the break, Teddy comes out flanked by a dozen or so Canadian security guards. The reason he did what he did? TIMES ARE TOUGH! See? Teddy Long knows, just like Big Dave’s tailor! This is the worst explanation ever. Can’t he just make up something about Undertaker cheating at cards or pouring bleach into his washing machine? Anyway, Teddy and his security detail head backstage, leading me to believe that something is going to happen. Oh God. INSIDE THE LIMO CAM. Could it be? “BUCKLE UP, TEDDY!” says the Under Chauffer! Scary music plays1 Purple smoke fills the limo! Weird vocal filters alter Teddy’s voice! I CAN’T DO THIS JUSTICE! This is the absolute worst of sports entertainment. Also, Undertaker’s line tonight wasn’t nearly as good as “WHERE TO, STEPHANIE!?” from when he kidnapped the youngest McMahon offspring.
TONIGHT! Great Khali versus Kane! WHY!?
Cryme Tyme stereotypes their way down to the ring to face the Hart Dynasty. Are Cryme Tyme this generation’s Bushwhackers? I can’t even really pay attention to their matches anymore. They’re a goofy gimmick team who win sometimes and lose sometimes. It never really matters one way or another. Cryme Tyme playing face here in Canada, so they get booed. Harts playing heel here in Canada, so they get cheered. Todd Grisham tells us about David Hart Smith’s “perfect genes”. I know it’s not genetic, but saying that about a guy whose father died of a steroid induced heart attack in his late 30s is just weird. Is it always snowing somewhere in Canada? Can Amanda clear up this claim by the announcers? This match is still occurring. Jim Ross just compared Shad’s clothesline to Stan Hansen. I quit. Jim Ross thinks “Chianti” West made a fool of himself at the VMAs. Indeed. Harts win and the crowd go banana! Totally nut! Tyson Kidd has a really stupid finisher. It’s like a combination judo throw/Stone Cold Stunner. Stop that.
The Divas locker room is covered with photos of what I presume is supposed to be Dolph Ziggler and Michelle McCool from last week. Melina begins tearing them down, but UH OH. She’s caught red handed by Maria, who she was only trying to protect! Maria SERVES Melina but good and storms off. That’ll learn ya to scream during matches.
Kane versus Khali. Oh boy. Here we go. I’ve actually managed to not see either of their matches this summer. I should have known I couldn’t escape the horror forever. Khali’s clubbering away in the corner and I already want to jab my eyes out. Oh good. It’s just an angle dressed up like a match as Kane destroys Khali’s knee with the STEEL STEPS. Still, for the 90 seconds it was a match, it was BAD.
Drew McIntyre is out, looking like Brian Kendrick spent a little time on the rack. He attacks Charlie Haas, as if things aren’t hard enough for him already, just being Charlie Haas. Can you even imagine that?
AND THAT’S THE WAY IT WAS!
Hey, here comes Big Dave, not wearing a suit. Times are tight. He just shouted into the camera for absolutely no reason. This is awesome. Jericho out to interrupt the Animal just as he was running out of things to say. Super timing, Chris! Jericho IS wearing a suit. Jericho is patronizing and insincere, film at 11. This somehow sets up a match for later. Decent segment, but it’s hard to get too excited about the same basic Jericho promo after a year and a half of them.
Jericho is hollerin’ at Big Show for letting Batista give hima spinebuster. Show looks exactly like Angry Amish Roadkill when he wears a vest. It’s freaky. TENSION BETWEEN THE TEAMMATES!
John Morrison’s entrance video still has a shot of him hitting the midget with a move. Is that what babyfaces do? Dolph Ziggler on commentary for this match between the aforementioned Morrison and Super Genius Mike Knox. Tonight he’s explaining Restless Leg Syndrome to us. Thanks, Mike Knox! I think Knox is getting to the point where he’s a little bit underrated. He was called up before he was ready and people kind of wrote him off. He’s improved a ton. Morrison’s break dancing based offense is much better suited to a Streets of Rage sequel than a wrestling match, but that’s just one man’s opinion. We go to commercial and I think about Lucas’s pretty, pretty hair. Just kidding. We’re back and Mike Knox has… procured… THE… CHIN LOCK! Dolph Ziggler sucks at being a commentator I should mention. Morrison hit the coolest, smoothest spinning counter into a DDT I’ve ever seen. So many people try it, and it always looks jerky and erratic. Good on ya, John. Todd Grisham just said “Speaking of big and hard.” I swear to God. Morrison finishes with his twisting split legged moonsault and this was a fun, short match thanks in no part to Mike Knox’s preposterous running cross body press.
Teddy Long has an encounter with Vince McMahon. There is much silent staring at one another. Vince has his pride hurt by Teddy’s refusal to put his picture up in his office. Quite a scorned lover back story going on here between the lines. I can’t hate these two together. Vince orders Teddy to go out and explain himself.
CM Punk is here to save the day after the cartoony Undertaker badness below. A fan with a “CM CROOK” sign gets this off to a great start. Punk is proud of his completely clean, scientific victory over the Undertaker last Sunday. AS HE SHOULD BE. For a white guy who listens to hardcore music, CM Punk sure says “you people” a lot. HMMM. The usual CM Punk preaching, but it’s still fresh, unlike Jericho’s rap. CM Punk informs me that I am inadequate and I cry into my beer. Hey, Jim Ross just called Punk a “Second City Saint.” Cool!
Jericho takes on Batista in the main event, and I expect this to be pretty good. Actually pretty methodical early, as Jericho works over Batista’s knee, then stops and switches to a chin lock for reasons still at large. Batista with the BLACK HOLE SLAM. Could it be foreshadowing an inter-promotional battle with Abyss? No? All right. Jericho cuts off a Batista comeback with an enzuigiri for a near fall and this is starting to pick up. Foolishly, Jericho goes to the top rope and gets waylaid with a clothesline. After a few more nearfalls, Batista finishes Jericho with the Liger bomb. Short match. Batista must not be quite at 100% yet.
WHAT DIDN’T WORK
In what universe would I ever want to boo Teddy Long? They’d better give him less awesome theme music. He could do a straight swap with the show’s current opening theme. Just hideous. I actually long for the days of “The Beautiful People.” Not the TNA act, the Marilyn Manson song.
Morrison on the mic after his match, calling Ziggler a fag or something. Lame. This “Mr. Ziggles” thing is so wretched. Ziggler shouting “That’s not my name” in a very matter of fact manner almost saved it. Not quite.
Referee Scott Armstrong tries to explain his screwing of the Undertaker on Sunday night. God bless him, but he’s not been blessed with his brother Road Dogg’s gift of gab.
Melina’s ring entrance just doesn’t stack up very favorably to that of the Beautiful People. Not the Marilyn Manson song, the TNA act. Michelle McCool’s heel selling is very entertaining. I hope that’s not the only positive thing I say about this match. Actually, Michelle’s offense is looking pretty good as well. Could she be the secret Smackdown! super worker? “We want Bret” chant just completely out of nowhere. Too much shrillness in this here Diva match. Oh God. I spoke too soon. Melina’s screaming is unbearable. This is going on the lower half just for that. Melina wins a non-title match, go to Hell.
After the break, Teddy comes out flanked by a dozen or so Canadian security guards. The reason he did what he did? TIMES ARE TOUGH! See? Teddy Long knows, just like Big Dave’s tailor! This is the worst explanation ever. Can’t he just make up something about Undertaker cheating at cards or pouring bleach into his washing machine? Anyway, Teddy and his security detail head backstage, leading me to believe that something is going to happen. Oh God. INSIDE THE LIMO CAM. Could it be? “BUCKLE UP, TEDDY!” says the Under Chauffer! Scary music plays1 Purple smoke fills the limo! Weird vocal filters alter Teddy’s voice! I CAN’T DO THIS JUSTICE! This is the absolute worst of sports entertainment. Also, Undertaker’s line tonight wasn’t nearly as good as “WHERE TO, STEPHANIE!?” from when he kidnapped the youngest McMahon offspring.
TONIGHT! Great Khali versus Kane! WHY!?
Cryme Tyme stereotypes their way down to the ring to face the Hart Dynasty. Are Cryme Tyme this generation’s Bushwhackers? I can’t even really pay attention to their matches anymore. They’re a goofy gimmick team who win sometimes and lose sometimes. It never really matters one way or another. Cryme Tyme playing face here in Canada, so they get booed. Harts playing heel here in Canada, so they get cheered. Todd Grisham tells us about David Hart Smith’s “perfect genes”. I know it’s not genetic, but saying that about a guy whose father died of a steroid induced heart attack in his late 30s is just weird. Is it always snowing somewhere in Canada? Can Amanda clear up this claim by the announcers? This match is still occurring. Jim Ross just compared Shad’s clothesline to Stan Hansen. I quit. Jim Ross thinks “Chianti” West made a fool of himself at the VMAs. Indeed. Harts win and the crowd go banana! Totally nut! Tyson Kidd has a really stupid finisher. It’s like a combination judo throw/Stone Cold Stunner. Stop that.
The Divas locker room is covered with photos of what I presume is supposed to be Dolph Ziggler and Michelle McCool from last week. Melina begins tearing them down, but UH OH. She’s caught red handed by Maria, who she was only trying to protect! Maria SERVES Melina but good and storms off. That’ll learn ya to scream during matches.
Kane versus Khali. Oh boy. Here we go. I’ve actually managed to not see either of their matches this summer. I should have known I couldn’t escape the horror forever. Khali’s clubbering away in the corner and I already want to jab my eyes out. Oh good. It’s just an angle dressed up like a match as Kane destroys Khali’s knee with the STEEL STEPS. Still, for the 90 seconds it was a match, it was BAD.
Drew McIntyre is out, looking like Brian Kendrick spent a little time on the rack. He attacks Charlie Haas, as if things aren’t hard enough for him already, just being Charlie Haas. Can you even imagine that?
AND THAT’S THE WAY IT WAS!
Friday, September 18, 2009
The Laptop Blog
Hear this, world! I now have a new computing device designed to sit on my lap! Fear its awesome connectivity in coffee houses and on college campuses! Who needs a savings account!? Later tonight (probably), the return of Workrate Reports!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Adrenaline ebb
I haven't been to sleep yet, but I'm very much looking forward to it. Here is what I learned tonight:
Oliver Stone movies don't hold up well out of their time and place. Or at the very least, Natural Born Killers and Wall Street don't.
Oliver Stone movies don't hold up well out of their time and place. Or at the very least, Natural Born Killers and Wall Street don't.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The blog lives, it's just boring
Not much going on for the past few days in my life. I'm just kind of spinning my wheels until classes start next week. Also, America misses you, Amanda. Canada is very lucky.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Tonight, on a very special Broin' Down...
Gender lines are crossed, loyalties are tested, and Zack and Slater have it out once and for all for the love of the new girl, Tori. All that and more at Ruby Tuesday. It's Broin' Down XXVIII: Beerko BRO Cop.
Also, new Sporcle game.
http://www.sporcle.com/games/tagteam_smackdown.php
I missed some that I should not have missed. 53/58.
Also, new Sporcle game.
http://www.sporcle.com/games/tagteam_smackdown.php
I missed some that I should not have missed. 53/58.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
DVD of the Year
I didn't sample any bourbon Friday night, but I got my own taste of Kentucky with the newest entry in Kayfabe Commentaries' Guest Booker series.
The concept for Guest Booker is sound, in that current or former pro wrestling bookers take a look at another company or territory and discuss what they would have done differently in a certain time period. The problem is that most of the past subjects have been concerned mostly with coming up with matches as opposed to actually explaining the rationale behind the decisions being made. With the WCW Invasion angle probably being the most famous example of a wasted license to print money, the topic is rife for analysis, and Jim Cornette is more than up to the task. I'm not one hundred percent that all of his ideas would have been for the best, but when the program ended, I knew that I would have liked to see it play out his way a heck of a lot more than what actually happened.
The concept for Guest Booker is sound, in that current or former pro wrestling bookers take a look at another company or territory and discuss what they would have done differently in a certain time period. The problem is that most of the past subjects have been concerned mostly with coming up with matches as opposed to actually explaining the rationale behind the decisions being made. With the WCW Invasion angle probably being the most famous example of a wasted license to print money, the topic is rife for analysis, and Jim Cornette is more than up to the task. I'm not one hundred percent that all of his ideas would have been for the best, but when the program ended, I knew that I would have liked to see it play out his way a heck of a lot more than what actually happened.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Phew!
I needed that break, but my new Blogstrong bracelet just arrived in the mail, so it's back to the cyber grind... gross.
As Amanda's time in the land of the free and home of the brave draws to a close, she has agreed to one final wrestling night, and since I've got nothing but time until the new quarter starts, I'm leaving it to her discretion to pick what night she'd like to watch...
So, excepting Tuesday for reasons of Broin' Down XXVIII: Beerko BRO Cop, any night you wish will do for this endeavor. And also, since it's a two hour show, the replaying of the WORST MATCH IN HISTORY will also have to be part of the festivities. Dave said he would only tolerate seeing it once a year, but you're leaving and didn't see it the first time, so there.
Anyway, my back hurts so I'm going to cut this short. Be back soon!
As Amanda's time in the land of the free and home of the brave draws to a close, she has agreed to one final wrestling night, and since I've got nothing but time until the new quarter starts, I'm leaving it to her discretion to pick what night she'd like to watch...
So, excepting Tuesday for reasons of Broin' Down XXVIII: Beerko BRO Cop, any night you wish will do for this endeavor. And also, since it's a two hour show, the replaying of the WORST MATCH IN HISTORY will also have to be part of the festivities. Dave said he would only tolerate seeing it once a year, but you're leaving and didn't see it the first time, so there.
Anyway, my back hurts so I'm going to cut this short. Be back soon!
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