NapDaddy’s Smiletime Workrate Report for WWE Friday Night Smackdown!, September 18th, 2009

WHAT WORKED

Hey, here comes Big Dave, not wearing a suit. Times are tight. He just shouted into the camera for absolutely no reason. This is awesome. Jericho out to interrupt the Animal just as he was running out of things to say. Super timing, Chris! Jericho IS wearing a suit. Jericho is patronizing and insincere, film at 11. This somehow sets up a match for later. Decent segment, but it’s hard to get too excited about the same basic Jericho promo after a year and a half of them.

Jericho is hollerin’ at Big Show for letting Batista give hima spinebuster. Show looks exactly like Angry Amish Roadkill when he wears a vest. It’s freaky. TENSION BETWEEN THE TEAMMATES!

John Morrison’s entrance video still has a shot of him hitting the midget with a move. Is that what babyfaces do? Dolph Ziggler on commentary for this match between the aforementioned Morrison and Super Genius Mike Knox. Tonight he’s explaining Restless Leg Syndrome to us. Thanks, Mike Knox! I think Knox is getting to the point where he’s a little bit underrated. He was called up before he was ready and people kind of wrote him off. He’s improved a ton. Morrison’s break dancing based offense is much better suited to a Streets of Rage sequel than a wrestling match, but that’s just one man’s opinion. We go to commercial and I think about Lucas’s pretty, pretty hair. Just kidding. We’re back and Mike Knox has… procured… THE… CHIN LOCK! Dolph Ziggler sucks at being a commentator I should mention. Morrison hit the coolest, smoothest spinning counter into a DDT I’ve ever seen. So many people try it, and it always looks jerky and erratic. Good on ya, John. Todd Grisham just said “Speaking of big and hard.” I swear to God. Morrison finishes with his twisting split legged moonsault and this was a fun, short match thanks in no part to Mike Knox’s preposterous running cross body press.

Teddy Long has an encounter with Vince McMahon. There is much silent staring at one another. Vince has his pride hurt by Teddy’s refusal to put his picture up in his office. Quite a scorned lover back story going on here between the lines. I can’t hate these two together. Vince orders Teddy to go out and explain himself.

CM Punk is here to save the day after the cartoony Undertaker badness below. A fan with a “CM CROOK” sign gets this off to a great start. Punk is proud of his completely clean, scientific victory over the Undertaker last Sunday. AS HE SHOULD BE. For a white guy who listens to hardcore music, CM Punk sure says “you people” a lot. HMMM. The usual CM Punk preaching, but it’s still fresh, unlike Jericho’s rap. CM Punk informs me that I am inadequate and I cry into my beer. Hey, Jim Ross just called Punk a “Second City Saint.” Cool!

Jericho takes on Batista in the main event, and I expect this to be pretty good. Actually pretty methodical early, as Jericho works over Batista’s knee, then stops and switches to a chin lock for reasons still at large. Batista with the BLACK HOLE SLAM. Could it be foreshadowing an inter-promotional battle with Abyss? No? All right. Jericho cuts off a Batista comeback with an enzuigiri for a near fall and this is starting to pick up. Foolishly, Jericho goes to the top rope and gets waylaid with a clothesline. After a few more nearfalls, Batista finishes Jericho with the Liger bomb. Short match. Batista must not be quite at 100% yet.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK

In what universe would I ever want to boo Teddy Long? They’d better give him less awesome theme music. He could do a straight swap with the show’s current opening theme. Just hideous. I actually long for the days of “The Beautiful People.” Not the TNA act, the Marilyn Manson song.

Morrison on the mic after his match, calling Ziggler a fag or something. Lame. This “Mr. Ziggles” thing is so wretched. Ziggler shouting “That’s not my name” in a very matter of fact manner almost saved it. Not quite.

Referee Scott Armstrong tries to explain his screwing of the Undertaker on Sunday night. God bless him, but he’s not been blessed with his brother Road Dogg’s gift of gab.

Melina’s ring entrance just doesn’t stack up very favorably to that of the Beautiful People. Not the Marilyn Manson song, the TNA act. Michelle McCool’s heel selling is very entertaining. I hope that’s not the only positive thing I say about this match. Actually, Michelle’s offense is looking pretty good as well. Could she be the secret Smackdown! super worker? “We want Bret” chant just completely out of nowhere. Too much shrillness in this here Diva match. Oh God. I spoke too soon. Melina’s screaming is unbearable. This is going on the lower half just for that. Melina wins a non-title match, go to Hell.

After the break, Teddy comes out flanked by a dozen or so Canadian security guards. The reason he did what he did? TIMES ARE TOUGH! See? Teddy Long knows, just like Big Dave’s tailor! This is the worst explanation ever. Can’t he just make up something about Undertaker cheating at cards or pouring bleach into his washing machine? Anyway, Teddy and his security detail head backstage, leading me to believe that something is going to happen. Oh God. INSIDE THE LIMO CAM. Could it be? “BUCKLE UP, TEDDY!” says the Under Chauffer! Scary music plays1 Purple smoke fills the limo! Weird vocal filters alter Teddy’s voice! I CAN’T DO THIS JUSTICE! This is the absolute worst of sports entertainment. Also, Undertaker’s line tonight wasn’t nearly as good as “WHERE TO, STEPHANIE!?” from when he kidnapped the youngest McMahon offspring.

TONIGHT! Great Khali versus Kane! WHY!?

Cryme Tyme stereotypes their way down to the ring to face the Hart Dynasty. Are Cryme Tyme this generation’s Bushwhackers? I can’t even really pay attention to their matches anymore. They’re a goofy gimmick team who win sometimes and lose sometimes. It never really matters one way or another. Cryme Tyme playing face here in Canada, so they get booed. Harts playing heel here in Canada, so they get cheered. Todd Grisham tells us about David Hart Smith’s “perfect genes”. I know it’s not genetic, but saying that about a guy whose father died of a steroid induced heart attack in his late 30s is just weird. Is it always snowing somewhere in Canada? Can Amanda clear up this claim by the announcers? This match is still occurring. Jim Ross just compared Shad’s clothesline to Stan Hansen. I quit. Jim Ross thinks “Chianti” West made a fool of himself at the VMAs. Indeed. Harts win and the crowd go banana! Totally nut! Tyson Kidd has a really stupid finisher. It’s like a combination judo throw/Stone Cold Stunner. Stop that.

The Divas locker room is covered with photos of what I presume is supposed to be Dolph Ziggler and Michelle McCool from last week. Melina begins tearing them down, but UH OH. She’s caught red handed by Maria, who she was only trying to protect! Maria SERVES Melina but good and storms off. That’ll learn ya to scream during matches.

Kane versus Khali. Oh boy. Here we go. I’ve actually managed to not see either of their matches this summer. I should have known I couldn’t escape the horror forever. Khali’s clubbering away in the corner and I already want to jab my eyes out. Oh good. It’s just an angle dressed up like a match as Kane destroys Khali’s knee with the STEEL STEPS. Still, for the 90 seconds it was a match, it was BAD.

Drew McIntyre is out, looking like Brian Kendrick spent a little time on the rack. He attacks Charlie Haas, as if things aren’t hard enough for him already, just being Charlie Haas. Can you even imagine that?

AND THAT’S THE WAY IT WAS!