This is how a baller balls, baller.

I walked home with gills taped to my ankles. I kept thinking that the denim on my jeans was slipping down in the back, like my feet were catching on the bottom of my pants. I did not trip, so I knew I was just imagining it. Who knows how things get into your head? Headologists, I guess. Today is Halloween which means Ghost Hunters Live special on Sci-Fi! Follow the T.A.P.S. team from 9 pm until 3 am!

I wore gym clothes under my regular clothes when I went to class this morning. Young Adam had to cancel our workout though, so I didn't make use of them. When I was walking home, before the fixation on the back of my jeans, I kept thinking I should just peel off my top layer of clothes and put it in my book bag, because I had athletic socks, sneakers, gym shorts and a gym shirt on underneath. Something held me back. Modesty? Hard to say. I kept all of my clothes on and sweated more as I returned home.

Swallowing food is weird, huh? Depending on what you're eating, the food sliding down your throat gives off different tastes, smells, and sensations. I don't like the brine left over from a bowl of pickles. See, I had a jar of pickles, and as the level of pickles began to run low, it was a very imbalanced proportion of pickles to pickle juice. So I poured some of the juice out, too much really. What I'm left with is brine. No pickles. No juice. Just clingy brine with no lubrication to pry it from the glass walls of its prison.

I'm going to hang out with my friend Jeremy this afternoon. He's from Chicago. I once paid him a visit ON THIS VERY BLOG. Well, I briefly wrote about visiting Chicago at least. And then I think I busted on St. Anger for a much longer paragraph.

I was originally going to enlist Davekwon to write this special Halloween blogtacular, but I think I'm fine to do it. I'll get Dave for another time. If you forgot what his previous guest pieces were, there are links here and here.

That's right. I figured out turning words into links with the help of Funky D.

Speaking of Funky D, the trio did end up making the trip to Dayton for the final hip hop night at The Oasis. We left just after midnight, which, according to the song Midnight at the Oasis, probably makes us great fools. Anyway, they were out of everything but Guinness on the taps, so no 80 ounce pitchers to be found. Instead, they were having a fire sale on bottled beer, so we tried a few different ones. It was a fine time.

I watched a SCURRY movie with Davekwon yesterday before we hit the road. It was called Cello and it was crazy and South Korean. I learned that they drive on the correct side of the street and car in South Korea. We should help them. All these backward driving countries... f those guys, right?

In the words of a great closer, Lions and tigers and squares, yeah god.

Why Can't I Just Let Montreal Die?

I composed an E-mail to Mandy tonight about the latest episode of America's Next Top Model, a show that I watch but don't enjoy. It started out as a guilty pleasure, then became actively fun to watch with her as we became friends over the spring and summer. Now, it's a drag. Yet I continue to watch. Why? Hard to say. I don't think my friendship with Mandy is dependent on it or anything. I think about that sometimes though. I want to make sure that my relationship with Mandy isn't just an extension of my relationship with Chops. That's not cool. A shared love of Gilmore Girls will have to suffice.


And why wouldn't it, right?

After an abortive attempt last week, it looks like the KOV + 1 - 1 - Jonathan will finally be making it down to the Dayton hip hop night this week. Designated driver Davekwon ended up having to work last week, leaving myself and Andrew pondering (briefly) the wisdom of going somewhere an hour and change's drive away with the big draw being eighty ounce pitchers. Every once in a while, Andrew will make a joke about me driving somewhere. I have a feeling that he becomes slightly more serious with each passing mention. This would be an unfortunate way for us to both meet our makers.


"TEN O'CLOCK AND TWO O'CLOCK! TEN O'CLOCK AND TWO O'CLOCK!"

I watched WWE's Cyber Sunday pay per view with Keith. It was a pretty good show, with Undertaker and Batista adding another really good match to what is becoming a surprisingly great in-ring rivalry. The only big problem I had with the show was when consecutive matches ended with inconclusive finishes. First, Kane defeated MVP by countout. In the very next match, Randy Orton low blowed Shawn Michaels to get himself disqualified in his WWE Championship defense. Now, maybe I'm wrong and WWE went to an all-shoot format in the last few weeks, but as far as I know, wrestling is still fixed. You'd think that if you were going to do two bullshit finishes on one show, you'd space them out a little bit. Just one man's opinion. If you really need to protect Kane from doing a job for MVP, by all means, have MVP get counted out. Just give it a little time to breathe before going there again. That's all I'm saying. I'm perfectly fine with screwjobs to build to a rematch or something productive. Don't get mad, screwjobs. I still love ya.


Right... okay, maybe not all screwjobs.

I'm as tired as ten year old references to the finish of a wrestling match. Peace outside, y'allz.


Wrestling Analysis = Jenna Fischer catnip.

Ballin' On a Budget

I'm the best... AROUND, nothing's gonna ever keep me down!

For the second year running, I am the winner and champion of the Halloween Movie Marathon. Jason and Andrew made for sturdy competition, but never did I waver in my certainty that I was destined to repeat. Not once did it occur to me that anything less than my eventual success was possible. And at no time was the heaviness of my eyelids any match for the size of my courageous heart. In other words, NapDaddy for the win! I am especially proud of this particular victory, as the marathon has reached a full ten films for the first time in its history, spanning from 5pm Friday until roughly 9:45am this morning. It was sadly not a clean sweep as I came in second in Balderdash this year, but that is a minor quibble. Were I to achieve TOTAL VICTORY, what would there be to shoot for next year? That's right, folks. That ill hat-trick is comin' at ya in the '08! And then I only slept for about half an hour when I got home! Y'all musta forgot!


The true essence of... BALLLLLLLLLIN'!

I am wearing the fruit of my labor as I type this; a fabulously stylish Halloween tee shirt featuring no less than a knife! The Rumba Cafe's female population will surely be all up ons once they detect the presence of a man wearing a kitschy t-shirt. "He sure knows what he's all about," one will say to another. She will just smile wryly and nod as I do some nodding of my own, white boy style, to whatever Funky D's got cookin' on the 1s and 2s. The first, chatty ho will continue, persisting with her opinion that I'm "really together" and have my "own style." The second will nod again, with less of a smile and more of a "is this bitch still talking about the dude in the movie t-shirt?" teeth baring. The one doing the talking is completely insane and way too into my shirt, while the silent partner will have been unfairly prejudiced against me thanks entirely to the first chick's insistence on being a nut job. Maybe I should change before I leave.



No? Okay, cool. Thanks, conveniently placed sign. Anyway, I'm the King of Halloween, and I thought that was well worth mentioning.

Oh, I'm re-using a Jenna pic on Wednesday's entry, just to give you fair warning. I'm recycling, and I DON'T CARE.


New Hotness today though!

Better to be TWOriffic than ONEderful

There is only one thing that could keep me away from Scranton, Pennsylvania for The Office convention. And that is... transportation. HOWEVER, if there were a second thing that could possibly keep me away, it would be Davekwon's Halloween Movie Marathon Ten.


AL ROKER IS THERE GOD DAMN IT.

Yes, it's that time of year again. The time where I sit in Dave's basement and watch what all of the Halloween movies. ALL OF THEM. Even the third one, which has nothing to do with the rest of the series. Though it's a nice Balderdash break to be honest.

Oh hey, did I tell you that D'LO FUCKING BROWN signed with TNA? Now, obviously, TNA is wack for the most part, but I fully intend to watch every episode of Impact from his debut until they completely ruin him through shoddy booking. So, that's gotta be good for at least two weeks, right?


Japanese children are not immune to the fury of the Lo' Down!

Office thoughts for season 4, episode 5, Local Ad. Back to the 30 minute format, but it was just packed from end to end. It's funny how Pam is so willing to chase her dreams, yet Jim, as his Second Live avatar illustrated, hasn't taken any chances on himself. Episodes where Michael shows competence always make me happy, though I'm glad they don't happen every week. In successive episodes now, Michael Scott has displayed first social and then professional capability. And his commercial was AMAZING. Moment of the episode was Michael missing the sarcasm and chastising Darryl for being ignorant of rap: "You need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix." Let's see... what else? It looks like Angela and Dwight are on the path towards reconciliation, which is fine because realistically they're both too weird to be with anyone but one another.


"Oh, D!"

All right, I've got some things to do before the marathon, so I'll see you folks tomorrow, when my hair is matted and I haven't slept in over twenty-four hours. Peace!


Where is Jenna Fischer's horror vehicle? A prequel to Slither would be great!

Scatterbrained

I change my mind by the hour on my favorite movie/song/video game/whatever, but right now, at 1:32 pm on Thursday, October 25th, 2007, there is no better start to a verse of a song than RZA's on Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthing ta Fuck Wit: "I be tossin, enforcin, my style is awesome/I'm causin' more Family Fueds than Richard Dawson." Bobby Digital for the win!


"My album sux."

I left out "television show" on the whole favorites loop, as I generally remain pretty consistent with that. It was The Critic for many years, followed by Farscape for quite a while, and The Office is currently ruling that roost. I take few lovers in this department, and treat them all very well.

I just joined a fantasy basketball league that my buddy Jeremy invited me to. I have to go about the headache inducing process of pre-drafting, as I won't be available live due to Halloween Movie Marathon related reasons. Which reminds me of something Seanbaby wrote one time, which I will paraphrase: "I personally read Hulk Hogan's autobiography twice for Hulkamania related reasons." Hulkamania related reasons. Seanbaby is a great man. Why did he have to become moderately successful and lose interest in his website?

Speaking of biographies, I got Chris Jericho's. Paul tells me that I need to read it ASAP, before he starts calling me up randomly and telling me stories from it. I plan on tackling it on Sunday after the Browns whip up on the lowly Rams.

I'm going to see the SOUND OF URCHIN tonight for the second time in my life. This time, not at Bernie's! YAY! That calls for a celebration!

Close your eyes and picture yourself doing a Vince McMahon strut. No? Not good enough? FINE. Here's your celebration.


Yay! Screw Bernie's!

Seriously, boo that place. Claustrophobia like a motherfucker.


Terrycloth robes the world over are like, "Pick me!" Back off, terrycloth robes! BACK OFF.

Soundtrack to a Blog Entry, Vol. INFINITY

It's nice every now and then to have a day with absolutely nothing you have to do. Today was that day. Take that, DVR backlog.

This isn't going to be like the previous two Soundtrack to a Blog Entry posts, as I am now SKROBBLING, or something, so if you look to the top left of this page, you'll find Big Brother tracking my listening habits. Holla. I realize of course that it won't reflect what I was listening to while I wrote this particular entry, but I don't feel like coming up with something pithy to say after each song title listed. DEAL.

The reaction to the Canadian Litterbug has forced my hand. I have to create an elaborate back story for him.


World's greatest smile. No arguments. It would only lead to a lot of me saying "DON'T CARE."

Hm... what else? Hey, you know what? NOTHING ELSE. There's literally nothing happening. PEACE!


Hey, I'm not TALKING about the impending divorce. I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to post a picture featuring both Jenna AND Lloyd Kaufman!

I'm A Conscious Blogger!

I somehow missed Blog Action Day. So, pretend the following was written last Monday:

Litter trashes everyone, our fight against rubbish has just begun/It's a long hard road but that's okay, we'll be picking up trash along the way. Break it down.


It looks like he's wearing a mask. Is he a supervillain in addition to being a litterbug?

I took a couple of days off from the wonderful world of blogging, so I apologize for that. I think it was a combination of Saturday morning's mega-post plus the reality of spending an entire day and night with my grandfather that sapped my will. The last time I went to visit him, the experience was so harrowing that I only managed to write about half of it. Thankfully, the rest has been largely blocked out of my memory. Love you, Pa!

On the sunny side, Andrew posted for the first time in nigh two fortnights over at his slice of the blogosphere, and it was, if I do say so myself, quite inspired. You can check it out at the following link. http://funkydaggers.blogspot.com/2007/10/fall-into-action.html I swear to God that there used to be an easy way to turn words into links. I've done it before on this very blog. Nice that the one thing Google changed when they took over is now making things more difficult. To paraphrase the great Cody McLaughlin, "Yeah, thanks for ruining my life Google."


“But Satan now is wiser than of yore, and tempts by making rich, not making poor.” - Alexander Pope

See that? I got poetical on your asses.

I watched some in-game footage of Left 4 Dead the other day, and I think that it may be way too scary for me to play. Maybe if I could always play as one of the necromancer dudes it would be okay.


No no, it's cool, zombies. Go about your business. I won't be bothering you.

I had a zombie dream last night, actually. I don't really remember all of the particulars anymore, but it involved me being a surgeon or something whose patients kept dying and turning into zombies before I could reattach their limbs. So I had amputee zombies chasing me around. So not cool. It was like if the dudes from Crippled Masters had been undead.

This can't possibly be real.

Darren Aronofsky to Direct The Wrestler
Source: Diva October 18, 2007

Last Friday, it was reported that screenwriter Robert Siegel's indie drama The Wrestler is in development at Darren Aronofsky's Protozoa Pictures, and now it appears that Aronofsky will direct as well.

The film centers on Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a 1980s-era star pro wrestler who has become
a burnt-out shell of his former self. After he has a heart attack during a small-time match, a doctor tells him he could die if he fights again.

In an effort to build a new life, Robinson takes a job at a deli, moves in with an aging stripper and tries to build a relationship with her son. But the prospect of a rematch with his old nemesis the Ayatollah proves too tempting to resist, even if it means risking his life.

The Wrestler is targeted for a January 7 start. Aronofsky is also attached to direct The Fighter with Mark Wahlberg and Brad Pitt, which will presumably start after "Wrestler" wraps.

I actually read something about Nic Cage being interested in starring in this... picture... a few weeks ago, but had mostly forgotten about it. Is Darren Aronofsky going to just switch to sports movies now? The Wrestler, The Fighter, The Judo Player, where does that end? Even though it doesn't seem to be a remake of the REAL The Wrestler, I think Aronofsky badly needs to watch that movie a few times before setting to work. It's easily the best movie ever made about the subject. It's not a very competitive field, I'll grant that... but it's head and shoulders above garbage like Ready to Rumble, Body Slam: The Wrestling Movie, and No Holds Barred.


Frank Bass is comin' for you, brother!

How I Met Your Mother is maintaining the awesome stride it hit last season. People should check it out. Try to catch it from the beginning though, as you'll miss lots of history and in jokes if you pick it up mid-series.


The horse race between Barney Stinson and Dwight Schrute for best comedic character on television gets tighter and tighter with each passing week.

I wrote a friend of mine a brief E-mail the other day, no more than four lines, just wondering where he was. He wrote me back a novel. That was the 14th. I still haven't read past the first few paragraphs. He's pretty wordy, so I just figured I'd get to it later. It now occurs to me that he may have been writing me a suicide note or giving me important, time sensitive information about buried treasure or something. I should probably read it.

REAL TIME THEATER with your host, Andy Napier

I'm sitting next to this dude who's making the most ungodly annoying sound with his mouth. I wish I were better in situations like this. I can't find a polite enough way to tell him that he's driving me fucking insane. Okay, I just told him. He stopped. He also keeps leaning back and "discreetly" looking at my monitor. This fuckin' guy. Oh my God, he's actually leaving. And making sure to loudly make the sound with his mouth again as he leaves. What a tool. A reasonably cute girl has replaced him. For the win!

This has been REAL TIME THEATER!

Three more days till Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Three more days till Halloween, moooooovie.......... marathon!


I've used this picture before, but not in its proper context. Bring on Balderdash!

It's that time of year again, as David Patrick Williams presents his tenth annual Halloween Movie Marathon! I'm going to stay up ALL NIGHT LONG and then go to class at 9 am! Cuz I'm a hustler!


As long as I'm re-posting pictures, Keith mentioned this one last night. Wacky.

Anyballz, I've got a Tuesday to go live, so holler holler holler at y'all later.


There, it's some semblance of a normal dress. Are you monsters happy?

Just What I Needed

Off the top, a big hand for Katie, Meryl, and Funky D himself for a) hosting such a fine do last night, and b) inviting me to said do. Wamp wamp.

While there were a few fine entries by the likes of Donovan as Alex of A Clockwork Orange, Renkes as a human Slyder (correct spelling, I checked up on it), Katie as Rosie the Riveter, and even Sorry Keith Jackson as a socially awkward black man, to deny that our own Andrew took best costume would be ridiculous. And by Andrew, I mean me, Andy Napier, AS ANDREW PATTON. NapDaddy for the win! Girl, you know it's true!

I had it all. Customized Funky D DaDas? Check. Ropeadope hoodie? Big check. Freshly shorn locks? You know this (thanks for the use of your clippers, Donovan). Expertly researched typewritten list of no less than fourteen Andrew Patton talking points? Absolutely. "What's a DVD? Is that like a record with pictures on it?" BALLIN'!

I saw cameras floating around at various points, so hopefully I'll be able to provide a photographic reference soon. I went back and forth so much on whether or not to actually do this costume that I was practically living the Shaq/Ill Al Skratch exchange from the beginning of Mic Check 1-2 from the second album (thanks, Rick!). "Al set it off! Hey yo Ill, you set it off! Hey yo Shaq, set it off! Hey yo Al, you set it off. Hey yo Shaq, you set it off! Hey yo Ill, you set it off. Hey yo Shaq, set it off! I’ll set it off." I guess I'm Shaq, because it was set off!

From memory, here's the costume list. Andrew can fill in some blanks if he remembers things differently/more completely.

ME - Andrew "Funky D" Patton, 2004 edition. FUNKY CLASSIC, Y'ALL! / Andrew Patton 2007 - Taco John. This was actually a fine costume, as he had the oversized novelty sombrero goin' and everything. / Jason Sharp - a walking punchline. While it may seem like I'm being a little mean (probably not to Lee), that was his costume. He had a pirate bandanna, an eye patch for part of the night, and to top it off, a steering wheel affixed to his pants that was in fact, drivin' his nuts. A million billion stars for this effort. / Katie McD - Rosie the Riveter. It was a good costume, don't get me wrong. Full points for accuracy. I just didn't feel like she WAS the Riveter, ya know? / Meryl - Boobilicious witch. Seriously, this costume had to have a tag somewhere that said that. It was awesome. / Mike McD (whom I inappropriately grinded on a couple of times. Couldn't be helped) - giant hot dog. See? It really couldn't be helped. / Nathan Renkes - As noted previously, human Slyder. I think I remember this costume from back in the day, but much like the career of Ed Begley Jr, it just keeps getting better. / Hot Emily - LYDIA DEITZ~! I'm so sad I didn't get this right off the bat, but it was very cool once I was in on the joke. No Harry Belafonte records to complement her though. / Donovan - Alexander DeLarge. Whatever. It looked good, I'll say that. BAD MOVIE. / Weird girl who I think liked me - A bear. Seriously. She was a bear. It was kind of neat. The Office nerd crew got to stand around and talk about bear facts for a few seconds, so this costume works. "FACT. Bears eat beets." etc.

There was also some blonde chick who had a sword who described herself as "a ninja." Shittiest ninja ever. What's worse is that I at first thought she might have been Buffy, and she reacted to this notion like I'd kicked her dog in the neck.

I had a great time, and it was just what the doctor ordered in terms of me getting the Pearl Harbor job out of my mind. Oh, and Paul, you motherfucker, while some at the party found my retelling of our disastrous "London Blitz" conversation to be amusing (thanks entirely, I'm sure, to my dazzling storytelling capabilities), NOBODY AGREES WITH YOU. I do need to see Airborne again though. I don't think I knew who Seth Green was when I first saw it. And I'm definitely sure I didn't know who Jack Black was.

I'd love to dress up as a character from The Office, but it would take some doing. You're pretty much going on the hope that people know a lot about the show and about the quirks of the characters with something like that, because for the most part, it would just be ties and jackets. Oh Halloween gods, why can I not properly honor this series that has given me so much?

Speaking of The Office, I suppose I should weigh in on Season 4, episode 4, Money. This episode features Dwight Schrute playing You Give Love A Bad Name on a recorder. I'll say more than that, but I don't really need to. Kevin making it very clear that Scrantonicity II is NOT Scrantonicity was fantastic, though it's sad that nobody went to see them play. This office doesn't have a very good record of supporting their co-workers. See: Pam's art show last season. Kelly and Daryl's blossoming romance looks to have great comedic potential. "I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?" To be quite honest, I think that if you're naming an inn at a beet farm, Radish Inn is the way to go. As Andrew would surely agree, when in doubt, go for the best/worst pun, even if it doesn't fit the context perfectly. Beets Motel is fine and all, as is The Embassy Beets, but neither convey the whimsy of the Radish Inn. Great Jim/Pam stuff as well. The kiss was very nice. "Yep, I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I'm in love with Italian food." YAY JAM. As Andrew and I discussed upon watching the episode though, Eli's surely coming sooner or later for Jim and Pam. Regardless, I love this show, and I loved this episode.

I guess it would be nice of me to also mention that it's John Krasinski's birthday. I don't hate on him for being with Pam. I can separate the fictional world of The Office from the fictional world of my relationship with Jenna Fischer. Anyway, the birthday boy is 28. Just shy of two months older than Andrew, which I think delights ol' DJ Ops because it means he can RELATE TO JIM. I love Andrew. What an awesome dude he is. He is totally Jim to my Oscar. Ahem. No homo.


I'm sorry, but do you perhaps have something in a "mug?" A two for one sale? Whatever do you mean?


Wow! What a value!

HORRIBLE POTENTIAL TEAM SWITCHING UPDATE: Something happened the other night at Renkes'. I believe it was Tuesday, and we were watching Game 4 of the ALCS. The subject of the Browns came up and Renkes asked who they were playing on Sunday. I knew they had a bye week, so I informed him of this, but added that they were going to be @ St. Louis on the 28th. A gleam came over his eye, and I sensed danger. Indeed, he immediately asked me who the Bengals were playing this weekend. I drew a blank. A complete and total blank. I thought about picking a division opponent at random and just saying that to play it off (glad I didn't, as it turned out they were playing the Jets), but the jig was up. I was more aware of the Browns' schedule nearly two weeks out than I was of the Bengals' in just five days. What the Hell is going on?


A harrowing gaze into my future.

Lex Luger either had a heart attack or a stroke yesterday. It's not entirely clear at the moment (UPDATE: Yes it is. It was a mild heart attack). He is 49 years old, which means it's not completely unheard of, but still, rough stuff. He's had a really bad go of it lately, and last I read he was living in the spare bedroom of a Baptist preacher's house. It's been all downhill for him since WCW closed and WWF had no interest in him. I'm not saying that they should have had any interest in using Lex Luger in 2001, just that you can pretty much mark that down as the catalyst for his downward spiral. That and Miss Elizabeth's death of course. It just breaks my heart. I'm not a big Lex Luger fan or anything, but here's this guy who was groomed to be a superstar from the day he started. He made millions and millions of dollars over the period covering 1985-2001. And now he's flat broke and trying to put his life back together. As the sage Bryan Alvarez often says upon reflecting on situations such as this: "Save your money, kids." Don't mess with Alvarez. He owns a purse once belonging to Scott Norton.


LARGE

While I have wrestling on my mind, I'd like to start getting folks together once a month or so to watch an old pay per view or something. The RAWnaissance was a good idea in theory, but even I don't get much out of that show these days, and mostly watch (and will continue to) because I enjoy hanging out with Keith on Mondays and listening to him defend Triple H. WWE 24/7 has a lot of great stuff just waiting to be gobbled up. The highlight of my week wrestling wise this past month has been watching the ECW TV shows from 1996. I'm aiming this most directly at Lee, Andrew, Keith, Dave, Kehn, and Franz (though I'll probably have to E-mail Franz directly to have any hope of him seeing this), but hey, that Drew guy used to like wrestling, right? We should make this a thing. I'll plan something out for November, try to coordinate nights, etc.

One last wrestling tidbit, this time about a lady. WWE has released Kristal Marshall, possibly the hottest woman in the history of professional wrestling. She's at least the hottest since Sunny was at her peak, that's for sure. I don't care what she did, or how she behaved, or who she rubbed the wrong way. This is totally unacceptable. Plus, what the Hell is Teddy Long going to do now? Will he even want to recover from his Viagra induced heart attack with his wife fired? It's tough times for Mr. and Mrs. Peanut Head, fo' sho'.


Why do you hate me, WWE? Haven't I been good to you all these years?

I have to hit West Virginia today for Pa Frank's 80th. Cousin Annie was originally going to go, but found she had a prior engagement. I'm planning to call her and have her wish the old man a Happy Birthday tonight. I fully expect him to unnecessarily give her a hard time about how his birthday is actually on Monday and then tell an unrelated tale about how many people admire him or the time he and his friend Shorty painted the screen for the drive in theater. I love my grandfather, but he's so fucking crazy sometimes. Lee, should I call you as well? Actually, I'm probably not going to see your response to this because I'll be in the Land That Technology Forgot, so why don't you just shout me a holler sometime before nine if you want to wish him well/get grief.

Andrew and Jason are probably asleep at the moment, dreaming of General Tso's Chicken and egg drop soup. You motherfuckers. IT WON'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT ME. Remember that. I will be rockin' pepperoni rolls (no homo) in the sticks, and LOVIN' LIFE.

Well, I certainly had a lot to say.


Jenna > Panda Inn

And what the Hell, this entry is gigantic anyway, what's one more picture going to hurt? Krasinski should get some extra lovin'. You're only 28 once. "Shut up, go to work."


I love my blog.

More like Thurs-GAY, mirite?

As a Wal-Mart exclusive, this is going to exist soon.



It's every match that The Undertaker has had at Wrestlemania. It's like a day at the beach for you masochistic completists out there, because who wouldn't want DVD quality copies of The Undertaker matching up against the likes of stars past their primes (even at the time) such as Jimmy Snuka, Big Boss Man, Jake Roberts, and King Kong Bundy? Or even better, a star who never even had a prime like Giant Gonzales. Yes, it may seem too good to be true, but all this can be yours. Shop Wal-Mart.

I watched some wacky deal called Take Home Handyman this morning. I had recorded it a couple of weeks ago because the good folks (folk) at OfficeTally alerted me that Angela Kinsey was going to be on. The idea of the show is that this dreamy professional handyman comes and helps you with some kind of remodeling project, and TLC picks up the check. There are a million shows like this, but this one had Office crossover appeal.


Hi, I'm Andrew Dan-Jumbo. I'm here to sexually confuse you.

Pretty fly, true? Anyway, this show is ridiculous. He shows up at Lowe's or Home Depot or something out in LA, and Angela Kinsey (Angela) and Melora Hardin (Jan) are just there, looking for a screen door. HE CAN HELP. And he does. Over the next four days, Andrew, Angela, her mom, her husband, and another four or so Office players (Paul "Toby" Lieberstein, Mindy "Kelly" Kaling, Kate "Meredith" Flannery, and Oscar "Oscar" Nunez) tackle all kinds of home improvement projects. When I first saw Angela's husband, I was like, "That dude's gay. I'm totally getting with Angela." Then I learned that he is TOBY FLENDERSON'S BROTHER and thus cannot possibly be gay. Very, very sad.


NO GAY GENES IN THIS FAMILY.

Anyway, this show was awesome. I don't think I'll ever watch it again unless Angela becomes Mr. Dan-Jumbo's personal assistant, but it was great for one episode. Best line of the show definitely goes to Oscar after digging post holes for a privacy fence. "All right, I've gotta go. Rainn Wilson needs help raising a barn." BALLIN'!

I may be crazy, but I think I've stumbled onto something significant. Black girls with retro afros are more likely to give white geeks such as myself the time of day than more sensibly coiffed contemporary black girls. I find this odd, because wasn't I THE MAN back in the days when that was a common hairstyle? Wasn't Superfly (no, that's not two Jimmy Snuka references sneaking into one blog entry) trying to take me down? Very puzzling.


To Dusty Groove's web presence! Excelsior!

I started out today full of hate, hate, hate. I'm feeling a little better writing this, but probably need to get drunk for the next three nights or so to complete the break up cycle. Ten weeks of dating = about three nights of discontent, right? Now... I have to go to Clarksburg on Saturday for my grandfather's birthday so the prospects for drinking don't look too good there. Guess I'll have to work overtime tonight and tomorrow. Holla!

For the time being, I can just focus on fantasy girls who a) don't exist and b) I'll never have a shot with. So what's up...


Buffy?


Aeryn?


Kaylee?


And most of all... what's up, Pam?

Anyone trying to have me not stalk them for eternity should shy away from ever donning that costume, by the way. Just sayin' is all.

To end things on an up note, here's to a girl who I may not have any kind of shot with, but is very much real.


Such an odd picture, but I couldn't let that smile go unposted.

High Hopes and Crushing Realizations

We (Andrew and I) went to Bennigan's today. In Athens. It was the culmination of a nearly six year old dream, spurred on by the Season 5 South Park episode entitled Butters' Very Own Episode. You know the one. Butters' father is going bottom for some dudes at a bath house or something, and his mom snaps and tries to kill her son. That episode. But mostly, it's about Butters and his hopeful, starry-eyed wait for his upcoming trip to Bennigan's.


Bennigan's!? Oh boy, ya mean it!?

It wasn't great. I had a couple of appetizers, Andrew had a burger, and it's not that the food wasn't tasty... it just wasn't a transcendent dining experience. It was like travelling 80 miles to go to a TGI Friday's or an Applebee's. While that's kind of sad in the sense that it didn't live up to our expectations, it actually makes the episode even funnier. He was so excited over something so mundane. Butters is great. Bennigan's is not.


One thing in this world that never lets me down.

Nightmare On NOT My Street

To get it out of the way, this is the biggest failure of a pastry in history. At least I have something to blame now.

Saturday was a big mess. Hot dogs, beer, illicit puffing, bacon fries that I resisted for far too long (damn it, Emily), the most boring Ohio State football game in recent memory, and plenty of JOHN SHAFT was the order of the day. It's kind of a blur, as most trips to Renkes' house are (for various reasons), but it was fun spending the afternoon with Chops.

The real adventure began about halfway through Shaft in Africa, as it was determined that Andrew had to go back to his house and get his insulin. With no car available to him and Old Renkes continuing to down beer while assuring Andrew that he'd take him when he sobered up, Andrew's only recourse was to walk. From Northern Lights. All the way to his place. I quickly volunteered to go with, as it both afforded me an opportunity to escape, and allowed me to prevent my good friend from being killed. So it was that we traversed Cleveland Avenue all the way to Hudson, largely without incident. A panhandler or two would approach us, but as is the case with most panhandlers, they're not into straying from their territory just to chase down a particular mark. From Hudson and Cleveland, it was up to 4th, and man did I have to pee. There are no fights, flipping cars, or any kinds of excitement in this story, so the inner struggle of me versus my bladder will have to pass for a climax. Anyway, we both made it home just fine, but the point is, we could have been killed by hoodlums. We repeatedly congratulated ourselves on being such awesome, brave dudes, and with good reason. We had survived.


It was, in fact, considerably less harrowing than this.

The Browns won again. It wasn't a big accomplishment or anything. It was @ Cleveland, for one thing. It was against the winless Dolphins for another. 3-3 isn't too bad though. I wish I could say the same for the Bengals' dismal 1-4 tally. I don't know what's up with that team this year. I utterly failed a blatant attempt at trolling Cody last night. I was trying to bait him into flipping out by insisting to him that the Browns would beat the Cowboys (his team). He did not bite. I was quite sad. I'm pretty sure the Cowboys and Browns would be a pretty high scoring spectacle, though I'd fully expect the Dallas lads to take it. I can hear Andrew right now with his fantastic beard, reacting badly to my prediction.

Sorry for my day off yesterday. I sat down to write and just had nothing. The 33 day mark is daunting indeed. I don't know that I'll ever equal it. Sometimes things are flowing, and other times... well, other times it's like working on a beet farm.


As usual, I nailed the segue.

I'm a CLASSy guy! HAHAHAHA (It's early)

It was either before class or never for today's entry, as the schedule looks to be pretty packed and drunken. So you get sleepy, just waking up musings on October 13th. Lucky you!

Speaking of the day's schedule, here it is. Class, OSU game, Shaft-a-thon. The Shaft-a-thon has nothing to do with penises (penii?), and everything to do with Richard Roundtree, and briefly, Samuel L. Jackson. Why did John Singleton direct that remake? He had so much promise at one time. Actually, looking at his Wikipedia entry, he's made more questionable choices than that. 2 Fast 2 Furious? Really, John? Also, he killed a man with a car in August. Sober. He and Brandy should hook up.


Sittin' Up In My Cell

LeBron hurt his shoulder in an exhibition game last night. Cleveland Indians karma is an especially nasty kind of karma. He should be okay, as it was said to not be too serious. Cleveland Indians karma is also smart enough to not shoot its sister teams in the foot.

My bed sheet ripped. I have another, and I put it on the bed a few days ago, but maybe I acted too hastily. Maybe it's time to go for a whole new style.


Me=Getting Action

Speaking (briefly) of wrestling, Teddy Hart was released from his contract the other day. Not sure exactly why yet, but it's not the first time this has happened. It must be great to be so talented that you can be a fuck up for like ten years straight and people are still falling all over themselves to give you work. He's basically Randy Orton with a little less self-control. Not sure what this is going to mean for the proposed NEXT GENERATION HART FOUNDATION stable that was planned for Teddy, Harry Smith (Davey Boy's son) and Nattie Neidhart (that's right, the Anvil's daughter!), but hopefully his idiocy won't derail the latter two's prospects.


Coming soon to your very confused sexual fantasies.

I have to eat something. I may die otherwise. You know, if I continue to not eat something for a few weeks. Let's just nip that possibility in the bud though, huh?


Jenna Fischer: Shaking my HART to its very FOUNDATION every day of the year.