Oh, it's BACK! Smackdown!

Been a while since I've done one of these so AWAAAAAAAAAAY we go!

WHAT WORKED

To start us off on a tasteful note, I hope that Heidenreich’s dad managed to hitch a ride on Fats Domino’s supple, bloated corpse.

The Rewind reminds me of how much I like Hardcore Holly right now, crappy full nelson slam and all.

It’s Bob Orton and his awesome music! His voice sounds butched up so he must read the column. He’s finger dancing to Randy’s shitty nu-rock theme! This kind of goes downhill from here. Randy’s gonna fight Rey, apparently and I’m soooo down with that. Randy sometimes seems to forget what he’s supposed to say, but his delivery is always smooth enough to save it. If they would just let guys cut their own promos he would probably be top tier.

This 50 year old Bowflex grandmother is gonna wear my wrist out one of these weeks.

Everybody keeps telling me how great this new Incredible Hulk game is supposed to be, and it does LOOK pretty cool, but the chances of it being good just seem SOOOO low.

I kind of want to see that Jessica Alba diving after lost gold movie.

Yes! The “hey, here’s something that might have something to do with smoking weed but probably has more to do with you being an idiot” are back. I’ve missed those.

Charisma Carpenter is on “Veronica Mars” this coming season, and I still want to plow her with my hideous love.

Teddy Long seems to be taking mess from this Network guy. That’s in direct opposition to the lyrics of the Teddy Long song. Don’t know it? “Teddy Long don’t take no messsssssssss!” That’s it, really. Long announcing Guerrero versus Mysterio in a cage makes this whole thing work.

Here comes Christian w/busted nose to put in his two cents on commentary. Yes! Booker T versus Mr. Kennedy! Ken Kennedy is totally my new favorite wrestler. How did he swing David Lee Roth for his theme music? I guess Ken Kennedy’s got it like that. Booker with a heinous attack, jumping Kennedy at the bell. What a jerk. Sharmell’s McGuffys distract me for a few seconds but this match seems to be going along well enough. I would like to take a moment to thank Christian for his brave efforts in working through a deviated septum. That’s a (Can)American hero. Match is starting to slow down as Kennedy isn’t yet adept at working such a long heat segment. He’s much better on the back and forth exchanges. That finisher (rolling Samoan Drop from the middle turnbuckle) is really a sight to see, though. Booker needs to get his ho in line because he’s got a heck of a losing streak going. Looks like they’re really gonna try to go as far as they can with Kennedy. Fine by me.

Simon Dean on a Segway works because anybody on a Segway is funny by default. Batista is apparently on the Simon System. So... Simon Dean is Zahorian, Batista is Hogan, and I guess Vince McMahon is still Vince McMahon. Yeah. For all three of you who get that, I thank you for your applause. I am a super dork. I still don’t understand why they need to ruin perfectly good wrestling entrance themes with lyrics. If a song debuts with lyrics, great. But having Our Lady Peace add supposed meaning to Chris Benoit’s ditty hasn’t done anything for him, and whatever shitty band they gave the rights to ruin Batista’s music to isn’t doing much for him either. Okay, Batista isn’t bad at comedy, but he’s just the wrong guy to be doing it. Having him doing schtick with Simon Dean is every bit as harmful as letting Goldust put a wig on Goldberg. That’s what happens when you have people writing a wrestling show who don’t understand what wrestling fans want to see. I’ll let this stay up here for the Segway, and because most of what’s up here above the meridian is commercials.

REGAL! And it’s Paul Burchill! Wow he’s big. And way more cut than I remember him being in Ohio Valley. And oh boy are Funaki and Scotty gonna get murdered. Burchull can really bounce around for such a huge guy. Burchill procures... the... CRAVATE and I party and freak out. Regal’s Exploder is nice but that’s to be expected. Funaki is pretty ineffectual in getting Burchill to release the Fujiwara armbar on Scotty after the match. “You know, if it’s not too much trouble, you could just let – oh, okay. That’s cool. I’m gonna go get a soda.”

“The Exorcism of Emily Rose” trailer freaks me out a lot. It’s the same kind of feeling I had about “The Ring” trailer back in the ’02.

Eddy is cutting a promo backstage, behind the steel cage mesh. That’s so old school. The desperate man with nothing to lose angle on this match is just phenomenal. Eddy Guerrero understands the Professional Wrestling better than I or anyone else ever could. Having said that, I hope this is the end of the feud. It’s been great, but I don’t think they’ve wrestled anyone but each other for the past six months. Time for a change.

Orton/Mysterio is starting at 9:40, so this looks to be the commercial break match. Hey, if these two are going long, I see no potential for anything short of an awesome match. Orton is great using his power to overwhelm Rey at the beginning. The encouragement he seeks from his father is excellent, too. The height difference is a little off putting, but Rey is just so great that it doesn’t matter. Rey takes his chest first slide bump to the floor, and I think it’s been a while for that one. Great stuff as we go to commercial. Back in the ring, Orton’s wrenching in a GREAT standing chinlock on Rey, as Smackdown for once doesn’t edit out the transition. Even with a mask, Rey is marvelous selling the possibility of losing to a CHINLOCK. Orton pulls down his kneepad to drop a knee on Rey’s throat, and I’m reminded of Greg Valentine, which makes me love this match even more. Randy selling his forehead and knee simultaneously on Rey’s low dropick is a thing of beauty. This guy gets it. Randy with the old school atomic drop and you really don’t see enough of that anymore. He even drops to his knees for a European uppercut just to emphasize the size disparity. I... love... Randy... Orton. Long chinlock segment doesn’t seem out of place as it’s just good strategy for Orton to try to slow Mysterio down. It almost seems like Randy must stay up at night thinking of new ways to bump for moves. Randy’s placement of the dropkick was weird, as he hit Rey in the chest when he’s been working on the head and neck. Maybe he misjudged the height. Rey takes the European uppercut late in the match like a champ, bumping back on his neck. Rey does sort of a reverse Hennig necksnap that I’ve never seen before. It looked nice, though. I’m surprised that Randy hasn’t busted out more of his power moveset. If ever there were a time for it, it’s now. Top rope RKO is a nice exclamation point for the win after the low blow. Great, great match. Can’t say enough good things about it. Totally made up for an otherwise pretty mediocre Smackdown.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK

MNM need Livestrong bracelets to really trend it up. Good to see that Animal isn’t feeling any pressure to get an abortion or anything. Ivan Drago comparisons are obvious, but Big Bad John really just looks like a bleached Zangief. I could get into somebody doing a Zangief gimmick, complete with spinning piledriver. Mercury crawling over for the kiss of affirmation is tremendous. Heidenreich yells “Pa-Pow!” when he does his 1-2 punches and that’s tremendous. Mercury betrays his Southern heel roots by putting his woman’s safety before his own, so this doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just sick and would like to see Melina take the Doomsday Device.

HAHA! THERE IS SOMETHING ON HER FACE AND THE NETWORK GUY COMPLIMENTS HER EARRINGS INSTEAD! WWE IS THE F UNNEE!

Christ, Benoit’s gonna try to be funny again. Wacky Benoit just doesn’t work for me. Oh God. Is he gonna - he is. He’s taking a piss. Wow. Benoit pees really quickly. He flushed about nine seconds in and then just killed time. I guess it’s not his fault he has a freakishly small bladder. Us guys have gotta stick together.

Well, maybe Benoit versus Orlando will last longer than it did at Summerslam. Wow. Nevermind. It was shorter. Whose wife did Orlando sleep with to deserve this kind of humiliation? What a waste of (very little) time.

Hey, Christy and Stacy are gonna “wrestle.” I’ll do full play by play for this, just for fun.

(Andy Napier: Nice sporting handshake to start things off here, Nap.

Nap Daddy: I want b00bz.

Andy Napier: Collar and elbow tieup and the firecracker, Christy, backs Stacy into the ropes!

Nap Daddy: And it’s a superfluous cartwheel from Stacy to escape!)

Nevermind. It’s already being interrupted by Sylvan Grenier. He’s uh... a gay cattle herder now? Stacy and Christy are amused by him. I am not. Okay, his white duster has already grown on me. Oh, okay. He’s “The Model” Rick Martel 2K5. Whatever. And it’s my current hero Hardcore Holly! YAY! With a microphone. BOO. They like Bob in Jacksonville. Holly pretending to like women is pretty funny. No Best Dropkick in the Business so this whole mess doesn’t work. (And yes, I know that Bob Holly isn’t gay, before someone tries to correct me.)

And that’s just the way it is!