Pop Culture ASPLOSION!

Tomorrow afternoon there may be a mighty, beloved Smackdown! report, but I haven't watched it yet, so no soap for now. What there will be... is POP CULTURE OVERDRIVE as I wait to leave for work.

WANTED

If anyone sees this, dead or alive, please contact me immediately. There will be a grand reward.

Spiderman: Molestation Victim! From an actual old pamphlet!

I don't know why Peter Parker trusted Skip, I mean he was a teenager with a complete head of WHITE hair. Everyone knows you can't trust albinos. Sadly, I couldn't find the rest of the pamphlet, but now I badly, badly want it.

Big thanks to my buddy Abe for IMing me with THIS and ruining my day. Basically, somebody's wolf porn gets deleted and it escalates. See for yourself.

Okay, that wasn't too pop culture-y, but I'll make up for it:

I'm about fifty pages into my zombie movie, and I've really decided that I'm writing this at the best time possible. With "Shaun of the Dead" and "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" coming out in the fall, and "28 Weeks Later", the "Day of the Dead" remake, and "Land of the Dead" all announced, it's probably the best time in history to be trying to make a ghoul flick. Hell, even Peter Jackson is talking about wanting to do something in the genre again, after he finishes up "King Kong".

So what's the problem, right? Things are good in zombie world. WRONG. One little raincloud can ALWAYS ruin a beautiful landscape. And in this case, it's Joel Schumacher. The man who did what Bane, the Joker, Two Face, and even Ra's al Guhl could not has signed on to direct "Wake the Dead", a college zombie flick where a group of students begin doing studies in reanimation. It's based on a comic book miniseries, but it might as well have come from the back of a cereal box for all the good that'll do it. Maybe Arnold can do a walk through ala "The Rundown" and say, "Everybody... CHEEEEEELLLLL."

RAW Workrate

What Worked

I enjoyed the last section of the Number One Contenders Battle Royal with Jericho and Orton working a long scaffold match section on the ring apron. Orton has gotten really fun lately, and should have a really good PPV match with Benoit.

The first 55 or so minutes of the Iron Man Match were pretty great. I really liked the work on the sternum, which was different then you generic "work the arm, work the leg" stuff. Benoit did some nice leg work which didn't really lead to much, outside of the figure four. Benoit's tope was really beautiful, as was his missed head butt, add the chair shot to the back of the neck and Benoit is trying to catch up with Austin in the "90's superworker bumping his way to traction" contest. I also really liked the use of the count out as a way to catch a fall. Helmsley was fine, although really pedestrian for most of the match. The finish with Eugene costing Hunter the match was really overbooked and stupid, and I would have at least liked to see Benoit hit a move before he got the pin. I really liked Val Venis vs. Stevie Richards on Heat. liked it alot, and I think I liked the Canadian vs. long haired guy with worked back stage pull, more than I liked the Canadian vs. long haired guy with shoot back stage pull. But really that’s no criticism of this match. It was a lot better than I expected. They did the weird WWE thing of telegraphing that this is an "important-big-match" by having both guys sell fatigue long before they did anything that should fatigue them, early early in the first fall. I liked the crossface into crucifix that won the first fall; it was a really good looking spot that they should have saved as a finish for a big match. Helmsley really shouldn't ever take dragon screws and Benoit is a little too short to be applying abdominal stretches. The blood came really late in the match as maybe it could have used some early but that late in the match it just felt like the story was already set, and it’s too late to add that kind of blood heat. Lawler did a really fucking great job covering blown stuff, but both he and Ross were lame for most of the match. Good, good match all in all. Not sure what the finish accomplishes, and I’m also unsure what the whole match is supposed to have accomplished. May not be as good or have accomplished as much as the half as long Benoit/Helmsley match from Vengeance earlier this month, but infinitely better than the last time a Canadian worked an Iron Man match against a long haired clique member.

What Didn't Work

Outside of Regal and a nice bump by Helms, that Battle Royal was a big batch of nothing. All of the workers I like get dumped early, poor Rodney Mack doesn't get the welcome he richly deserves, and they kept recycling spots from other battle royals. That Batista versus Kane stand off was, move for move, their stand off from the last RAW battle royal in June. Plus, Maven? Stevie Richards is right there. Give him the battle royal push! Nice singlet on Regal, though, and I liked him working over Orton, but he gets dumped early and it really felt like majority of this wasn't layed out at all. For a gimmick match to determine title shot, this wasn't as smartly paced or worked as the musical chairs match last month. I think Maven is painting on his eyebrows; he looks like a Chinese Opera star. And God was Grenier in their way way too long. I think that the main problem is that a battle royal for the number one contender spot is really played out and just feels like lazy booking. Why am I supposed to get excited by the Royal Rumble every January when you're running that spot on free TV before every PPV?

Kamala is an amusing idea, and he had a bunch of good cooning spots Booker T or Bob Sapp should steal, but watching Hollywood gash after Hollywood gash trying to improv with him was painful. It is clear that the Playboy model has decided that this is beneath her. When a Playboy model has too much dignity, you know that you’re running a scummy company. I did like the skinny black girl who decided that the best way to out do Kamala was to jack lines from Eddie Murphy movies; that really showed some poise.

The strippers come out in bikinis and the WWE goes for closeups. God damn did they all have those wide dilated eyes. Was their second Diva challenge to see who could snort the longest line? Maybe they DID find something searching Bischoff's office.

Didn't even have to use my A-K

I had a really fun day today, for the most part. Eric Mueller and I went boating at Alum Creek. It was the first time I'd set foot in a motor boat in the past ten years, and I think I may have discovered a new passion. I absolutely loved the experience. I even got to drive quite a bit. So much fun.

Anyway, it was a good day. Aside from having to be at Kroger's at 6:00 am, that is. Really nice time otherwise. Also, I got a part time job at Factory Card Outlet at Carriage Place. It's not glamorous, but it's work, and just what I need to hang my hat on when I go back to school.

A Reason to be Cheerful

Triple H and Chris Benoit are getting ready to wrestle for an hour tonight. Stuff like that makes me happy. There will DEFINITELY be a workrate report for this show.

The Keithertaker will be the end of us all

That picture is scary as Hell. Thank God Keith doesn't read my blog or I might have vengeance laid upon me.

Onward and upward.

This has been quite the movie week for me. Aside from "Catwoman" on Tuesday, which I've already written about, I went to see "I, Robot" on Thursday, and "Dodgeball" and "Fahrenheit 9/11" on Friday. I'd already seen the lattermost two, so I'm going to focus on "I, Robot" for now.

That was just a big batch of fun. I was working downtown at French Tailors and decided to head over to the Arena Grand to catch a 2:45 showing, and I'm so glad that I did. My curiosity about the movie had been piqued over the past week in an unexpected way, as Jason gave me his spare copy of the Asimov book (I don't know why he had a spare copy. That's how Jason gets down I guess), and I really loved most of the stories. So I basically went into the film ready to hate it, bracing myself for any liberties they took with the source material. To my surprise, there were none. Well, Doctor Susan Calvin was a hot twenty-something chick, but I can live with that. Other than this, the movie didn't try to tread in the book's world. It used the Three Laws of Robotics as its base and went from there. A lot of fun. Only one real laugh out loud cliched action movie moment and a minimum of witty banter too, so I was impressed by the restraint. My favorite scene is when Will pulls off the face of one of the robots and it's DJ JAZZY JEFF in disguise. Will is all like, "Damn ni**a, what'choo doin in this flick?" and Jazzy is like, "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MOVIE CAREER, HUH? DIE MOTHERFUCKAAAAAA!!!!!!".... now THAT was cool!

"Dodgeball" I've written about before, and it was awesome again. I've never really had occasion to write my thoughts on "Fahrenheit 9/11" though, so here goes:

A lot of people (the right) have condemned this movie (most without seeing it, probably) as being propaganda. They say that a documentary should provide both sides of an argument and that otherwise it's compromised. Aside from immediately thinking about a World War II documentary that would let the Nazis tell their side, I really began to wonder if this made any sense at all. The answer: no.

There's a difference between a film having a point of view and a film being base propoganda. Having an agenda does not mean a documentary will be bad. It just means that some people will write it off without seeing it because it's a convenient excuse for the lazy or the unbelieving.

But, some quick thoughts:

As a two hour blooper reel of Dubya and Company, it was very fine.

Nobody does musical transitions quite like Michael Moore.

That's about it. It was a powerful movie, but not on par with "Bowling for Columbine" or "Roger and Me". The only people I've encountered who had really negative things to say about it are people who had no reply when confronted with the question, "Have you SEEN the movie?" so that should tell you something. It IS a polarizing movie. But most of the people who hate it don't matter, because they're never going to see it. "I don't watch trash. The place for trash isn't in my living room." Whatevs.

Just When I Thought It Was Gonna Be A Slow Day... CHYNA-PAC BRING THE CRAZY!

Okay, so Joani (Chyna) Laurer was on Howard Stern's show yesterday morning. I didn't hear it, but after reading a couple of transcripts, these are the finer points:

-Joa... fuck it, CHYNA had an injured hand which she said she hurt training, which later became cooking.

-Chyna's being sued over a bunch of stuff and she's got this boyfriend (X-Pac) who she has to break up with because he mistreats her.

-She's been fighting lions and tigers in Japan.

-Chyna referred to Triple H as Triple Ass every time his name was brought up, and she pointed to his marriage to Stephanie McMahon as the point where her life really started to go to Hell (Is she confusing storyline with reality? Because she's been a mess for a while now, and Hunter and Steph only got married for real in October).

-Chyna revealed that she has a film of her and X-Pac making the beast with two backs and is considering RELEASING IT. (YARGH!)

-Chyna was in New York to judge a Most Beautiful Transsexual Pageant. (So... many... jokes... must... mock... Chyna... can't... pick... only thirty...)

-Chyna outed X-Pac about his current stay in a drug rehabilitation center, apparently being funded out of pocket by Triple H and Vince McMahon.

Okay, so if all of this isn't CRAZY ENOUGH... X-Pac was all, "Hey, I kind of know how to type! I better voice My (He's big on the capitalization) opinion:

From his message board:

I know I said I would not post on hwere anymore however I just learned of Joanie's comments on Stern.
 
I can only say that I am deeply hurt by what she said about my Me as far as the status of our relationship and about where I am at the present time. I love her more than anything in this world & I have never given up hope that one day we could find happiness. I recognize My part in what has gone wrong in our relationship. I wish I could change the past. I can only work towards the future. I will say that I think it was wrong of Joanie to publicize the fact that I am in treatment at this time. I am in no way ashamed of being here. Paul Levesque & Vince McMahon care about Me enough that they have paid for Me to be here at Talbott Recovery Campus in Atlanta, Georgia which is the best drug treatment center in the country. I have not worked for WWE in 2 years so the company can't pay for it , thus they are paying for it out of their own pocket. This they are doing for Me with no expectation that I will actually return to the ring.
 
I have commented on my relationship with Joanie in the past on here, but I will not respond to what she said about Me being a "druggie" other than the fact that I need to be where I am right now in order to be able to make her happy and also provide for my children. I am no longer married, but I still have two beautiful children that I love dearly. I need to be able to provide for them. I need to be able to provide for Joanie. Most of all, I need to be able to feel good about myself again. I love Joanie Laurer more than life itself. I can't express in words how much I hurt right now after learning of her comments on Howard Stern this morning. I am not angry. I only want to make her happy. As far as the this sex tape is concerned. I personally could care less if people see the tape in question. It is something I refuse to be ashamed of. It is actually very funny & in no way obscene. It is something I could never be ashamed of because it is a product of true love. So if anyone has a problem with it then I can only say that is their problem. I LOVE YOU JOANIE & I WILL UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. I will never give up on you.
 
Sean Waltman

Just... wow. Fuckin' WOW. I kind of want them back on TV all of a sudden.

A Military Action That Even I Would Support

Arab women singers complicit in rape, says Amnesty report

So... why haven't we invaded like, yesterday?

You know what the weird thing about this is? It's a military action that very few people would disagree with, because NOBODY wants to see 350,000 people dead, yet there has been no movement on it. On the other hand, roughly half the country was against the Iraq war, and even more than that now, but there was no hesitation on that front.

Purrfectly Inexcusable

"My bad"

This line, spoken by Halle Berry about half-way through "Catwoman", really caught me off guard. She was mockingly apologizing to a vile cosmetics executive for slashing his face with her super-lame Lee Press On Nails, but for a moment I thought she was breaking down the fourth wall and trying to make amends to the audience for what had come before and what was still to come.

And that's all you can really say about "Catwoman". Her bad.

Actually, that's not true. Because I've got a lot to say.

First of all, it was directed by a guy named Pitof. Yeah... more like... PIT OF DESPAIR! LOLZ!

Seriously though, what do you expect when you give a metrosexual Fenchman a comic book movie?

Halle Berry's character is named Patience Phillips, and she's kind of like Selina Kyle was in "Batman Returns", which made me hopeful for about half a second. Timid, unsure, etc. And then all comparisons to the Michelle Pfeiffer portrayal can be dropped.

Frances Conroy has a fairly substantial part as an insane middle aged woman who has a lot of cats (Substitute boyfriends for cats and you've got Ruth Fisher), but sadly, she really sucks in this. At first I thought it was because her range is limited, but I usually like Halle Berry and Benjamin Bratt too, so I think this movie just managed to suck all of the joy and life out of everyone associated with it.

Alex "Lois Griffin" Borstein is probably the best thing in this movie, as a man hungry co-worker of Patience. Damn sight better than Sharon Stone as a serious villain at least.

So, yeah. Avoid "Catwoman" like the plague unless you're hitting Carriage Place on a Tuesday in three weeks. But honestly, is any of this important? No. The important thing is, who looks best in the cat suit?






And I must say... Julie retains the crown in a walk. She can hiss at me while "seductively" rubbing catnip over her face ANY day.

And just because I thought this picture ruled...


"Hey retard, how about a hand job?"

It was a Rawed Out Posse

 
 
What Worked
 
Havong a crew over worked like a MOTHERFUCK. Jason, Keith, and Kehn (in order of arrival) lightened up the proceedings considerably and we went on to have a pretty darn good time.
 
Goddamn does Regal fucking rule. He's always had great punches, but the hand speed was incredible. He looked like a pasty British Julio Cesar Chavez, just strafing Helsmley with combos. Regal is the only guy who has the acting chops to pull off the gimmick he has been given too. When Regal took off his coat I got goosebumps. Helmsley should have bladed. Hell, Regal should have started headbutting him, fuck a blade.
 
Man, Batisita comes off like a worldbeater in his hometown. He couldn't have been more over if he came out with the Backyard Band seconding him (plus Big G would make him look short). He really had a mid 90's Vader feel in a way the WWE has never really been able to pull off before. He comes off like way more of a badass then Kane, who is booked in the same role. Match with Beniot was a blast, and I would really like to see those two go 60 instead of Benoit and Helmsley. I thought the match could of gone longer. Didn't like Hebner's tough guy schtick that foreshadowed the finish. Took a bit to get going as the early parts didn't feel as good as Benoit vs. Enos back in the day. They seemed like they were trying to work both the "face dominates" and "Batista as monster" stuff at the same time and it just didn't click for while. Then both guys took it to the streets and Batista did his tribute to Fit Finlay's fist to the ringpost on the floor spot and then followed it up with the great posting of Benoit. Both of these guys know how to take brawl and I would dig a falls count anywhere match between the two. From there on that match was on fire.
 
Kane looked kind of tentative and crappy, but the match was good enough to squeak in the what worked category. Jericho is a fine Tommy Dreamer, but Kane is a really subpar Brian Lee. I did really like the finish though. BATISTA BITCHES. Why do they insist on running this match again and again, though? The first part of match was infinitely better than last weeks match-up. Kane looked awful but Jericho had his shit together and it came together. They restarted and I cringed. Man, I've seen these two against each other 1,812 times, I need to see it twice in one night? But fuck, it was actively good. I liked this alot more than the rest of the guys I think. WWE/F has done alot of fake Dreamer/Lee matches. This was easily the best.
 
Orton and Edge clearly got ahold of Pro Wrestling NOAH's Tokyo Dome show. (I GOT MINE!) because they were working Akiyama vs. Kobashi for some reason. You had your meaningless mat work, your early subsequently ignored bodypart work, forearm exchanges, nasty ring apron and barrier spots, and then some finishers getting kicked out of. This match had more selling then Kobashi vs. Akyama though, and a nicely placed ref bump, which the NOAH match could have used. NOAH doesn't really need ref bumps, though. They just need more schtick. You watch Kobashi vs. Misawa from Budokan last year, and after the mat work but before the big apron spot it's like they don't know what to do, so they just do meaningless suplexes. They need to learn some comedy spots. The match would be so much better if they knew how to call time out like Arn Anderson or do midget comedy spots. Misawa and Kobashi never developed any midget comedy spots to work into their matches. Because screw Bret, that's what keeps Kobashi and Misawa from being as great as Flair. Oh yeah, I liked Edge vs. Randy Orton too, but kept thinking for a Canadian vs. an Orton this wasn't as good as any of the Cowboy's matches with Ronnie Garvin.
 
What Didn't Work
 
I don't care how much they pimp it, because I remember the last time a Clique member had an iron man match with a Canadian. Luger used to talk about things making him "sick to his stomach" alot. He seemed to always work something about his gastro-conditioning into all his mic work. He never really had a catchphrase but he had that leight motif. Helmsley jacks it but Helmsley doesn't have Luger's abs. Instead, we have 15 minutes of Helmsley rubbing his belly like me in anticipation of barbecue. Helmsley really needs to avoid touching his belly during mic work. I buy a guy that fat having gas though. I don't really buy a guy that fat doing 60 minutes of anything but watching TV.
 
The Divas stuff is death. I remember when WWF used to use a hard mat. Ten divas bouncing around in the ring and you realized that they were on an ECW fricking trampoline. Changed the mat but not the ring style, what a bunch of dumb asses. Plus people shit on Bischoff's acting all the time and he's been written really poor material but damn he may be the only guy they have who could possibly work with ad-libbing strippers. I hope they were ad-libbing; otherwise, compared to Diva contestant acting, that Matt/Lita scene was like Cassavetes and Julianne Moore doing Tennesse Williams. I was also amused at the DC audience starting "Goldberg" chants during backstage segments. Old WCW territory audience knows exactly what to do during Nitro girls skits. I do like Coach telling the Divas to turn around as a shoutout to the D.C. audience, but those were some flat asses for the District. No wonder they had to de-mike the booing crowd. None of those blondes was fat enough for a D.C. crowd to want to fuck.
 
Who layed out tonights show? Up to main event it was all about big guy/lil guy matches. You run Grenier/Tajiri, Tomko/Shane Helms, Batista/Benoit, and Jericho/Kane all in a row and each loses some of its impact. God were the first two of those matches unwatchable. I feel sorry for Jim Cornette. I mean, you watch those matches and it really looks like any minute Tomko and Grenier are going to get sent back for him to have to deal with. Poor guy had to release Trailer Park Trash and Flash Flannagan and got stuck working with Mordecai and Tomko for years now. Johnny Cash is dead and Jay Z is retired, what else is Rick Rubin going to do with his time now... give Corny some money. Trailer Park Trash is just sitting around Scotland doing nothing.

Run Low Ki, Run!

Low Ki thinks he has a hot date, but in reality he is in danger of THE TRANNY SURPRISE!
 
Okay, so Low Ki probably knows that he's posing with transvestite wrestler Pimpinella Escarlata, but it's still a funny picture. Onward and upward.
 
It's been a few days since I posted, and we even got a mini flame war because of it. Good to have you on board, Jason. I just hope you and Ashley don't kill one another.
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To Adam: YES, I would like a phat assed metal comp.
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A recruiter came to my house this afternoon. I was working in the front lawn, digging up sod and the guy said that he was in the neighborhood and just wanted to talk to me. I told him that I was medically incapable of joining the military, but he persisted, so finally I told him that even if I were fit, I wouldn't join. Not during this administration, not during this point in time. Not until military service becomes less of a scam. So he basically called me worthless and left. I didn't really care what that jackass said, but it got me thinking about what I meant by "scam". The word just sort of spilled out. I knew I felt strongly about it, but I had to think about why. So...
 
WARNING: MILITARY RANT IN 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO!
 
There was a time when service in the United States military was honorable and professionally rewarding, but because of politicians using the military to pump up corporate profits instead of defending us, that was a long time ago. I honestly believe that Americans with personal integrity should boycott the volunteer military and discourage everyone they care about to do the same. Can't find a job? Whatever happened to personal responsibility? I'd rather sleep under a bridge, eating trash out of a Dumpster, than murder human beings for Halliburton.
 
Okay, rant over. And I hate coming off super leftist, because I really don't think I am, but for the love of God do the Bushies ever piss me off.
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THE RETURN: WDT3THIC?!!!!!!!!?
 
Bret Hart
Bob Backlund
Wendi Richter