Classic Content

So, here's a transcript of an Undertaker circa August 1999 promo. I don't really know how to lead into it anymore, but it's an absolute must read. I had forgotten the particulars of the promo until I saw this, but man does that ever take me back. Lee and Keith are sure to enjoy it muchly.

"Play time's over, sit down and shut up. Later on tonight, there's gonna be a match for the tag team titles between the Acolytes and X-Pac & Kane, whatever whatever, it's not important. The fact of the matter is, this Sunday at Summerslam the winner of that match will come face to face with this. And to make sure that my man was right, this week I put him to the test. I had Paul Bearer call out to California - San Fernando Valley to some associates of ours at the Local 81 - Paul said we're gonna need two bikes for a ride in the desert. The guy said 'Brother Paul, now we know that the Dead Man can handle it, but I don't know about the Big Show. It's August, it's 120 degrees in the middle of Death Valley.' He says 'the only things that survive in the desert are the cold-blooded...the snakes and the lizards.' Paul said 'that's all right, and in one of those bikes that you're setting up for us, I want you the Big Show to only have enough gas to get to the middle of the desert and not get back.' So we're on our way - we get to the middle of Death Valley - 120 degrees, the Big Show's bike runs out of gas. And I pull up next to him and I ask him this question: 'It's 120 degrees, how are you gonna survive?' He looks me straight in the eyes, without hesitation, he says 'I'm gonna wait 'til you go to sleep, I'm gonna stab you in the back, I'm gonna cut your flesh off, make a coat out of it, and I'm gonna eat YOUR flesh until I find food.' I said 'Good answer big man, but I don't sleep,' and I drove off and left him. I waited on the outskirts of the desert. Two days later, he walks out with a snake necktie and lizard boots, carryin' his Harley-Davidson on his shoulder. The point of the story is this. What used to be known as SummerSlam will now be known as Armageddon, and whoever shows up...will be hurt."

Too bad Big Show never wore the tie and boots on camera. That would have made for a good visual.

HYPE! RSVP! MONDAY, OCTOBER 3rd!

So... how are you all today? Me? I'm super. Because today I begin the process of amping up my peeps for the very first "Monday Night Raw" on the USA Network in more than five years. That's right. Raw is heading back to its homeland, and it's bringing a three hour Nitro-riffic special edition with it. Vince McMahon, Triple H, Hulk Hogan, Mick Foley, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin will all appear, and with the new Monday Night War between WWE and UFC brewing, Raw promises to be one Hell of a show on this night.

So here's my plea. Current wrestling fans, lapsed wrestling fans, come together this one night and join me in partying and freaking out!

The New Plan

Okay, so Emily Rose apparently sucks. But here's the scoop; movies are still a go, only now it's "Aristocrats" at the Drexel East, at 9:45. Any takers?

Scurry Movie

EDIT: Emily Rose is some sort of wack ass courtroom drama, not a straight up horror movie. Fuck that noise. Plan's off.

Monday evenings must piss off the management types at the Lennox something fierce. It's a pretty slow place around that time. Which is GREAT news for me and my ilk, because it's a perfect time to go see opening week flicks without the hustle and bustle of wack ass crowds.

In that spirit, at least Davekwon and I are heading out this evening to catch "The Exorcism of Emily Rose." It's on at both 7:15 and 8:30, so those seem like the most likely times to catch the archaic Catholic rituals in action. Any takers? Adam, Andrew, April, Ashley, Chops, Cody, Franz, Jason, Keith, Kehn, Lee, Lucas, Mandy, Bueller?

As noted before, either call me or reply here, because I can't access E-mail or Myspace from home.

Basketball>football

Basketball, specifically NCAA basketball, is far superior to the same brand of football, and I'll tell you why. EVERYTHING DOESN'T DEPEND ON YOUR SECOND GAME OF THE SEASON. Hasta la vista, national championship aspirations. Maybe they can still win the conference. The Bucks screwed the Bucks.

"Ring the fucking bell!"

Everybody Hates Gilligan

Poor Bob Denver. Only Adam came through with the loving comments.

Onward and upward though, as it's halftime of the Ohio State/Texas game and the Buckeyes are in the driver's seat with a 16-13 lead at the moment. I thought I'd take the opportunity to supply the fresh content that you all dig so much.

Before I go on, is anyone interested in seeing tomorrow night's TNA ppv? It's a pretty stacked card (get it? Stacked, TNA? Ah, I make with the jokes that jeep you laufing and laufing) but I don't really feel like ordering it just for Andrew and I. Respond here if there's interest, or gimme a ring, because the server settings imposed by Kraft have barred me from using AIM, Myspace and E-mail.

I was talking to Davekwon throughout the 4th quarter of the Michigan/Notre Dame embarassment, and as I couldn't reach him to gloat about Troy Smith's bomb ass TD pass in the second quarter of the OSU game, I have to assume that he followed up on his threats and took 38 sleeping pills. We'll miss you, Davekwon. Maybe Michigan can beat the Buckeyes in Heaven. But probably not.

I found out that all of my beloved FX shows that I wrote about this past week are having their season finales in the next few days. What's up with these abbreviated seasons? It's bullshit. Dick Van Dyke had 30 episodes in a season by gum, and it was always funny!

Kevin Nash is playing Jamie Pressley's dad in a movie. Seriously. It's the movie version of "Dead or Alive", with Pressley playing Tina and Nash playing the other wrestler. I forget his name, but he always reminded me a lot of Hogan, at least cosmetically. I just think that's funny. I hope Nash Presses her... Jamie?

With the Ultimate Fighter reality show on Spike, and live UFC specials airing more frequently, coupled with RAW's departure from Spike back to USA, not to mention TNA getting a real cable deal in filling the WWE-less void on Spike, it's shaping up as a great time to be a pro wrestling/mixed martial arts fan. All I can say is, if you like MMA, you're in for a great next ten or so years, because the sport is set to absolutely explode.

Anyway, time to get back to the normal sports world. Go Bucks.

RIP Maynard G. Krebs

While he's the worst of the two famous dead people named after an awesome Colorado city, I'll always have a place in my heart for Bob Denver. I remember moving back to Columbus from Fairfield County in 1990 and getting cable for the first time (since I was 2, at least). All I watched was Nick at Nite and "WWF Superstars", pretty much right up until "Rugrats" debuted in 1993. Anyway, aside from the standards like "Bewitched", "the Dick Van Dyke Show" and "Donna Reed", there was "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis". I LOVED that show. Loved it like, yes, a fat kid loves cake. I don't remember anything about it aside from Dobie frequently visiting the statue of "The Thinker", and Bob Denver's awesome goatee, but I loved it. So when Nick at Nite took it off the air and started running wack ass "Gilligan's Island", I was understandably pissed. Primarily because "Gilligan's Island" is a terrible, terrible show. I predict that somebody will forget that in the next couple years and make a big screen adaptation, but it won't stop being true. So Bob, you'll always be Maynard G. Krebs to me. Peace outside.

TV Party

If you're anything like me (and God help you if you are), fall means NEW STUFF TO DRY YOUR EYEBALLS OUT ON CRTs (Thanks, Franz). While I'm still trying to find the right approach to take to starting "Rome", I've got two episodes DVRed and ready to rock whenever the mood strikes me. In the meantime, "Prison Break" has debuted and it is FABULOUS. In two episodes, this show has taught me many things. Things like; Robin Tunney is still hot; Brett Ratner knows what he's doing every once in a while; Stacy Keach plays a better hardass than anyone on the planet; Peter Stormare (the Devil in "Constantine") takes almost fifteen minutes of screen time to recognize; the guy who played the bible thumping pitcher in "Major League" ("You tryin' to tell me that Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?") is still alive and looking exactly the same as he did sixteen years ago; riots happen in prison all the time, and they're always broken up in like thirty seconds; and finally, Dominic Purcell, who played the ancient vampire in Ashley's top pick of the year, "Blade: Trinity", can act! So "Prison Break" gets a million billion stars from me, partly for being conventional enough to be comfortable, and partly for breaking convention enough to stand out on network TV.

I haven't mentioned it on here before, but I've been digging the Hell out of the three new FX shows that launched about five weeks back; "Over There", "Starved", and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

"Over There" is uncomfortable to watch sometimes because it's about a war that we're still involved in, after all. And there's no guarantees on how it's going to end. But it gets my highest reccomendation after an episode from two weeks ago that featured not only Zack FUCKING Morris, but also the fat, redheaded kid from "The Sandlot". Unfortunately he is now neither a kid nor fat, but nothing lasts forever. It was a one and done for him, sadly, playing a medic in a bit part. Ol' Zacky played an embedded reporter in back to back episodes though, and in possibly the saddest/coolest thing I've ever seen on television, got his head graphically lopped off by some insurgents.

"Starved" is pretty much "Sex and the City" for guys with eating disorders. I don't even know how else to describe it. It's just funny.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is a harmless like half hour comedy about three twenty-something buddies who own a bar in East Philly. Hijinx ensue.

So yeah, it's been a good TV season so far. "Over There" is definitely my runaway favorite show so far, but with "Gilmore Girls" starting back up next week, all bets are off. Because I'm a queer.

So what's doin' it for you all, TV wise?

Until next time, you've been blogged.

Chicka-chicka-chicka

Chick tracts are the literary equivalent to those "Harmless?" marijuana ads.

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1025/1025_01.asp

Oh, it's BACK! Smackdown!

Been a while since I've done one of these so AWAAAAAAAAAAY we go!

WHAT WORKED

To start us off on a tasteful note, I hope that Heidenreich’s dad managed to hitch a ride on Fats Domino’s supple, bloated corpse.

The Rewind reminds me of how much I like Hardcore Holly right now, crappy full nelson slam and all.

It’s Bob Orton and his awesome music! His voice sounds butched up so he must read the column. He’s finger dancing to Randy’s shitty nu-rock theme! This kind of goes downhill from here. Randy’s gonna fight Rey, apparently and I’m soooo down with that. Randy sometimes seems to forget what he’s supposed to say, but his delivery is always smooth enough to save it. If they would just let guys cut their own promos he would probably be top tier.

This 50 year old Bowflex grandmother is gonna wear my wrist out one of these weeks.

Everybody keeps telling me how great this new Incredible Hulk game is supposed to be, and it does LOOK pretty cool, but the chances of it being good just seem SOOOO low.

I kind of want to see that Jessica Alba diving after lost gold movie.

Yes! The “hey, here’s something that might have something to do with smoking weed but probably has more to do with you being an idiot” are back. I’ve missed those.

Charisma Carpenter is on “Veronica Mars” this coming season, and I still want to plow her with my hideous love.

Teddy Long seems to be taking mess from this Network guy. That’s in direct opposition to the lyrics of the Teddy Long song. Don’t know it? “Teddy Long don’t take no messsssssssss!” That’s it, really. Long announcing Guerrero versus Mysterio in a cage makes this whole thing work.

Here comes Christian w/busted nose to put in his two cents on commentary. Yes! Booker T versus Mr. Kennedy! Ken Kennedy is totally my new favorite wrestler. How did he swing David Lee Roth for his theme music? I guess Ken Kennedy’s got it like that. Booker with a heinous attack, jumping Kennedy at the bell. What a jerk. Sharmell’s McGuffys distract me for a few seconds but this match seems to be going along well enough. I would like to take a moment to thank Christian for his brave efforts in working through a deviated septum. That’s a (Can)American hero. Match is starting to slow down as Kennedy isn’t yet adept at working such a long heat segment. He’s much better on the back and forth exchanges. That finisher (rolling Samoan Drop from the middle turnbuckle) is really a sight to see, though. Booker needs to get his ho in line because he’s got a heck of a losing streak going. Looks like they’re really gonna try to go as far as they can with Kennedy. Fine by me.

Simon Dean on a Segway works because anybody on a Segway is funny by default. Batista is apparently on the Simon System. So... Simon Dean is Zahorian, Batista is Hogan, and I guess Vince McMahon is still Vince McMahon. Yeah. For all three of you who get that, I thank you for your applause. I am a super dork. I still don’t understand why they need to ruin perfectly good wrestling entrance themes with lyrics. If a song debuts with lyrics, great. But having Our Lady Peace add supposed meaning to Chris Benoit’s ditty hasn’t done anything for him, and whatever shitty band they gave the rights to ruin Batista’s music to isn’t doing much for him either. Okay, Batista isn’t bad at comedy, but he’s just the wrong guy to be doing it. Having him doing schtick with Simon Dean is every bit as harmful as letting Goldust put a wig on Goldberg. That’s what happens when you have people writing a wrestling show who don’t understand what wrestling fans want to see. I’ll let this stay up here for the Segway, and because most of what’s up here above the meridian is commercials.

REGAL! And it’s Paul Burchill! Wow he’s big. And way more cut than I remember him being in Ohio Valley. And oh boy are Funaki and Scotty gonna get murdered. Burchull can really bounce around for such a huge guy. Burchill procures... the... CRAVATE and I party and freak out. Regal’s Exploder is nice but that’s to be expected. Funaki is pretty ineffectual in getting Burchill to release the Fujiwara armbar on Scotty after the match. “You know, if it’s not too much trouble, you could just let – oh, okay. That’s cool. I’m gonna go get a soda.”

“The Exorcism of Emily Rose” trailer freaks me out a lot. It’s the same kind of feeling I had about “The Ring” trailer back in the ’02.

Eddy is cutting a promo backstage, behind the steel cage mesh. That’s so old school. The desperate man with nothing to lose angle on this match is just phenomenal. Eddy Guerrero understands the Professional Wrestling better than I or anyone else ever could. Having said that, I hope this is the end of the feud. It’s been great, but I don’t think they’ve wrestled anyone but each other for the past six months. Time for a change.

Orton/Mysterio is starting at 9:40, so this looks to be the commercial break match. Hey, if these two are going long, I see no potential for anything short of an awesome match. Orton is great using his power to overwhelm Rey at the beginning. The encouragement he seeks from his father is excellent, too. The height difference is a little off putting, but Rey is just so great that it doesn’t matter. Rey takes his chest first slide bump to the floor, and I think it’s been a while for that one. Great stuff as we go to commercial. Back in the ring, Orton’s wrenching in a GREAT standing chinlock on Rey, as Smackdown for once doesn’t edit out the transition. Even with a mask, Rey is marvelous selling the possibility of losing to a CHINLOCK. Orton pulls down his kneepad to drop a knee on Rey’s throat, and I’m reminded of Greg Valentine, which makes me love this match even more. Randy selling his forehead and knee simultaneously on Rey’s low dropick is a thing of beauty. This guy gets it. Randy with the old school atomic drop and you really don’t see enough of that anymore. He even drops to his knees for a European uppercut just to emphasize the size disparity. I... love... Randy... Orton. Long chinlock segment doesn’t seem out of place as it’s just good strategy for Orton to try to slow Mysterio down. It almost seems like Randy must stay up at night thinking of new ways to bump for moves. Randy’s placement of the dropkick was weird, as he hit Rey in the chest when he’s been working on the head and neck. Maybe he misjudged the height. Rey takes the European uppercut late in the match like a champ, bumping back on his neck. Rey does sort of a reverse Hennig necksnap that I’ve never seen before. It looked nice, though. I’m surprised that Randy hasn’t busted out more of his power moveset. If ever there were a time for it, it’s now. Top rope RKO is a nice exclamation point for the win after the low blow. Great, great match. Can’t say enough good things about it. Totally made up for an otherwise pretty mediocre Smackdown.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK

MNM need Livestrong bracelets to really trend it up. Good to see that Animal isn’t feeling any pressure to get an abortion or anything. Ivan Drago comparisons are obvious, but Big Bad John really just looks like a bleached Zangief. I could get into somebody doing a Zangief gimmick, complete with spinning piledriver. Mercury crawling over for the kiss of affirmation is tremendous. Heidenreich yells “Pa-Pow!” when he does his 1-2 punches and that’s tremendous. Mercury betrays his Southern heel roots by putting his woman’s safety before his own, so this doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just sick and would like to see Melina take the Doomsday Device.

HAHA! THERE IS SOMETHING ON HER FACE AND THE NETWORK GUY COMPLIMENTS HER EARRINGS INSTEAD! WWE IS THE F UNNEE!

Christ, Benoit’s gonna try to be funny again. Wacky Benoit just doesn’t work for me. Oh God. Is he gonna - he is. He’s taking a piss. Wow. Benoit pees really quickly. He flushed about nine seconds in and then just killed time. I guess it’s not his fault he has a freakishly small bladder. Us guys have gotta stick together.

Well, maybe Benoit versus Orlando will last longer than it did at Summerslam. Wow. Nevermind. It was shorter. Whose wife did Orlando sleep with to deserve this kind of humiliation? What a waste of (very little) time.

Hey, Christy and Stacy are gonna “wrestle.” I’ll do full play by play for this, just for fun.

(Andy Napier: Nice sporting handshake to start things off here, Nap.

Nap Daddy: I want b00bz.

Andy Napier: Collar and elbow tieup and the firecracker, Christy, backs Stacy into the ropes!

Nap Daddy: And it’s a superfluous cartwheel from Stacy to escape!)

Nevermind. It’s already being interrupted by Sylvan Grenier. He’s uh... a gay cattle herder now? Stacy and Christy are amused by him. I am not. Okay, his white duster has already grown on me. Oh, okay. He’s “The Model” Rick Martel 2K5. Whatever. And it’s my current hero Hardcore Holly! YAY! With a microphone. BOO. They like Bob in Jacksonville. Holly pretending to like women is pretty funny. No Best Dropkick in the Business so this whole mess doesn’t work. (And yes, I know that Bob Holly isn’t gay, before someone tries to correct me.)

And that’s just the way it is!