Paragons of Family Entertainment

In honor of August 23rd, I give you, my loyal blog readers, THIS:

We are two straight boys!

I know. What could you possibly have done to deserve something that awesome, other than clicking on the site? Absolutely nothing. I'm just in an extra generous mood today.

Slater was the bitch, though. I just know it. He talked tough, what with his wrestling and his football and his ridiculous hair, but I can't imagine Zack going bottom for that musclehead.

The Hypothesized Smackdown Workrate Report!

So, I didn't watch Smackdown this week. BUT... I decided to write up how I predicted it would turn out via the spoilerless results given to me by the magic of the Internet. Let's see how this goes

WHAT WORKED

Scotty 2 Hotty gets on the mic to introduce himself to the crowd - none of whom can pick him out of line-up yet - and they go over last weeks comical set-up of this match. Spike Dudley comes out with a picture of Dick Cheney tattooed across his chest and the words, "We'll take all that oil now, you Canadian Moosemounting socialists" written underneath. Scotty hits five dropkicks and Spike sells them by flying shoulderfirst into the announcers' table. Tazz says, "GOOD GOD, COLE! I THINK THAT LAST T-BONE SUPLEX JUST KILLED SPiKE!" The Dudley Boys comes out and 3-D Scotty directly up a moose's ass. Spike pins the moose after hitting an Acid Drop and retains. The crowd fills the ring with chairs just like that Terry Funk match from ECW. Except everyone in the ring gets paid afterwards.

Chavo Guerrero and Jamie Knoble team together because they are the most heatless wrestlers in the WWE after their pushes were so completely botched/ruined. Chavo tries to raise some heel heat by getting on the STICK~! and talking about how he can't tell the difference between Triumph and Chiliwack when listening to the radio on the way to the arena. Kidman/Paul London have the belts and are highfiving the crowd as they get to the ring. Kidman and Noble lock up and trade armdrags for four minutes until A MASKED FIGURE COMES OUT OF THE CROWD AND ENTERS THE RING! The figure grabs Paul London and looks to be choking him out as the other three helplessly attempt to stop the six foot tall behemoth! Chavo grabs his mask and pulls it off and they all three fall back STUNNED! He's not choking him - it was the TONGAN DEATHGRIP! MENG STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING - his hair... GIGANTIC. His Pants... GOLDEN AND GIGANTIC. He gets on the stick and says "I AM THE MONSTER MENG" in Spanish and THEN shouts "I AM KING HAIKU!" in Japanese. And then shouts "I AM NOT A SHARK!" in English. He then stacks all four cruiserweights up and pins them all with one foot on the chest of Kidman. He walks out of the ring with the tag titles and is also awarded the Cruiserweight title - onto which he immediately pees and sets on fire. This works because Meng is wearing those pants.

D-Von Dudley and John Cena have a wrestling match where they switch camera angles every half second since both have such shitty punches. WWE has the finest production in all of Northeastern US bigtime wrestling. So that has to work.

Teddy Long comes out and says "dollah dollah bill!" First he announces the return of the Immortal Sensei Sonny Ono who comes out wearing a solid gold karate outfit. Sonny gets on the stick and says, "I want all you fat, smelly, poutine-eating Canadian redneck motherfuckers to get the hell out of the way so your poor, long-suffering wives and girlfriends so they can FINALLY get a look at a REAL MAN. Set your nipples in the upright position because HERE HE COMES, ladies - BOBBY HARDWORK WALKER!" Walker also has a golden Karate outfit but Ono ceremonially pulls it off of him by the velcroed seams. Walker has on a banana hammock with a picture of Linda McMahon over his Big Business. They cut back to Linda at the monitor and she is upset at first. Then she is overcome by curiosity as they fade out.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

JBL and Orlando Jordan come out with Paul Harvey and give everyone a Paul Harvey Salute and they laugh and talk about how shaking hands with Hamiltonians is like shaking hands with a triple stack of french waffles. Orlando scores a mountain of cheap heat by saying that if nationalized healthcare means still french kissing the Queen of England's decrepit old ass 400 years after landing in Mooseville, he'd take his chances with his HMO. Paul Harvey causes a near riot by telling a ten minute story that ends with "... and that little girl who grew up to be the first woman in the CFL was... Rocky DiPietro. Now you know THE REST OF THE STORY." JBL talks at length about his plan to move the Montreal Canadiennes to Birmingham, Alabama when the Undertaker's music starts playing. HOSS GRACIE (thanks, Lee) shows up and tombstones Paul Harvey as the JBL and Orlando clear the ring. HOSS yells into the face of the unconscious and bleeding hardway Harvey - "THE CANADIENS ARE MOVING TO SAN ANTONIO, YOU ODD PRONOUNCING FREAK! REST. IN. PEACE." Chairs fly into the ring like that Terry Funk match from ECW. Except everybody in the ring gets paid afterwards. This didn't work because everybody knows the Canadiens are moving to Northern Virginia after being bought by Disney and being renamed the Loudon County World Of Pooh.

Spike tells the other Dudleys- who are setting a poster of Guy LeFleur on fire - how happy he is to be evil. They all laugh and laugh and dine on a litter of kittens. John Cena comes out and saves the kittens and says, "Yo yo yo! Them kittens were given to me by my skeezah flygirl bizzznitches from the Hamilton Ontario Girl Scouts!" Cena quickly grabs three male kittens and points their tails at each Dudley, blinding them with kitty musk spray. "DUD-LEYS done run out of GAS - deze pussies done sprayed yo..." and the crowd shouts "ASS!" This doesn't work because I don't think Canada has girl scouts.

Renee Dupree gets on the stick and calls RVD a semen-guzzling America fannypants homosexual. They cut back to RVD in the back unphased by the monitor. Dupree says - in an accent that comes and goes - that RVD's ponytail comes in handy as a handle when RVD is blowing everybody in the back. They switch back to RVD in the back and he good naturedly smiles like he's been found out. Dupree goes in for the kill - he then announces that he has joined the conservative party and will do what he can to RE-criminalize marijuana in Canada. They cut back to an enraged RVD who has smashed the monitor on the concrete and storms the ring. RVD chokeslams the ref to the floor and legit starts muy thai kicking Dupree in the face - causing a 9 inch gash across Dupree's forhead. Dupree is overheard shouting "WHAT THE FUCK, ROB!?! It's a FUCKING WORK! STOP IT MOTHERFUCKER!" The entire back comes out and breaks kayfabe by swarming on the enraged RVD until the house PA can start playing a tape of Phish live in Philly 4/23/2002. RVD is soothed by a 27 minute guitar solo and bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. This doesn't work because they break kayfabe on national tv.

Eddy Guerrero wrestles Kurt Angle. GODDAMMIT.

Kurt Angle, Eddy Guerrero and fucking Rey Misterio Jr are in a wrestling match. GODDAMMIT...

Those last two didn't work because I didn't actually get to see them. GODDAMMIT.

THERE YOU HAVE IT

Everlasting Love

Something that I think is significant crossed my mind tonight. I will always love Steve Austin. I don't care how many of his girlfriends he beats up, I don't care how much of an alcoholic he is, and frankly, I don't care that he walked out on WWE twice without notice. The bottom line (no pun intended) is, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin provided me with an immense amount of entertainment during the late '90s and early oughts.

Every one in a while, his name will come up in the rasslin' news and he's done something else weird and/or stupid. But I remember the man he was, the man he is capable of being. An awesome wrestler, an even more awesome brawler, who wasn't afraid to put other guys over, because he understands that wrestling is a BUSINESS.

Now, what does this have to do with anything? I'm not entirely certain. All I know is, love is a really strange thing, and sometimes, it seems like it should burn out. Like it should just fizzle and die. But then, it doesn't. It remains. It survives. It makes your knees weak and your heart ache.

I love Steve Austin for what he was, not what he is. Because I don't really know what he is anymore. He could be the same guy for all I know, but I don't really have the means to find out. And despite that, I still love him as much as I did the night of "Beeper 3:16" in December of 1997. Just... a brilliant, brilliant artist. The interviews, the ring work, the crowd control... I love him. One of the greatest ever.

Again, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? (Jimmy Eat World just came on, and I'm fucking pumped. "Just try your best, try everything you can". Awesome) I'm kind of drunk from the (non) Caribbean party at Franz's, and I'm just free associating. Which is FINE. But love is the tie in. Love is everything. And it just absolutely refuses to get any easier.

Short Form Shiz

Andrew covers it much better right about...
meah, but suffice it to say that Scribble Jam was great, possibly even better than last year's event.
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Good luck to Lucas and Lee, who are Gen Con bound tomorrow and ready to kick some pasty white nerd ass.
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FINALLY, "Baadasssss!" has opened in Columbus. I was beginning to worry that it'd be a Shaolin Soccer situation, where the DVD hit stores well before the theatrical release. Thankfully, the Van Peebles opus beat out home video in Columbus by two weeks.
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Details on "Land of the Dead" aren't trickling out nearly as quickly as I'd like, but the first major cast member was announced recently. Are you ready for this?


NO! You're not!

That's right. Mr. "I was outwitted by Keanu fucking Reeves" himself is on board to be zombie chow. I don't know quite how to take that, as I think I would have rather had a cast of complete unknowns. I'm not anti-star or anything, but when I'm trying to focus on the zombies (and I will be), having "name" actors on board might be a little distracting. We can all appreciate that picture for now, though.
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Speaking of pictures, this is where I would have inserted one of White Mike if I could have found one. I never miss an opportunity to chide Andrew. He's right, though. White Mike was a stone cold sucka.
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And I'll take you out today with some extreme fucked-uppedness.

600-Pound Woman Dies After Being Surgically Removed From Couch

POSTED: 3:48 PM EDT August 11, 2004
UPDATED: 8:13 PM EDT August 11, 2004

STUART, Fla. -- A dramatic rescue ended tragically in Stuart, Florida, a rescue so difficult firefighters say they have never seen anything like it.

It happened late Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning at the home of a 600-pound woman who was having trouble breathing. Rescuers went in not knowing how difficult it would be to get her out. 40-year-old Gail Grinds was literally stuck to her couch and had to be removed surgically at the hospital.

Authorities estimate she had been on the couch anywhere from two to five years.

Martin County Fire amd Rescue crews faced what seemed to be an impossible mission. Everyone going inside had to wear protective gear. The stench was so powerful they had to blast in fresh air.

They tried to cut out the front door, but at four-and-a-half feet wide, it wouldn't work. They had to cut plywood since a normal stretcher wouldn't do.

An ambulance was too small, so they brought in a trailer to get her out. While rescue crews came up with a back-door rescue plan, detectives secured what had become a crime scene, questioning family members about how it got so bad.

Using planks, they loaded the woman on to the trailer, still attached to the couch. Removing her would be too painful, since her body is grafted to the fabric. After years of staying put, her skin has literally become one with the sofa and it must be surgically removed.

Detectives are investigating whether they have a case of neglect, or if it is simply a very sad story.

Grinds was taken to the Martin Memorial hospital where doctors removed her from the couch, but she died in spite of all the attempts to save her life.

Yeah... I...uh...err...ummm...guh...flurm...

Livin' on the air in Cincinnati

So, with a fat paycheck (HA!) and giddy spirit, I accompany Andrew to our second annual Scribble Jam weekend in the Queen City. This year, Davekwon will be helping us kick out the jams on Saturday at least. Being Scribble Jam veterans, Andrew and I will be sure to put him through his paces and visit harrowing hazing rituals upon him, like making him listen to his own mix tapes and such. Haw! I kid the Dave. Anyway, I'll be back on Sunday afternoon, and then onward to Adam's for the "WWE's version of the Summer Games" SUMMERSLAM! Should be a good weekend, all things considered. Be sure to relive (or experience for the first time) the goodness that was Smackdown through my report one post below. I go nuclear on ads this time out.

The Mighty, the Beloved... Smackdown Report

This edition of NapDaddy's Workrate Report is made possible by the good folks at Stella Artois. Stella Artois: making Beligum worthwhile since 1366. DASSUM GOOD BEER.

WHAT WORKED-

JBL comes out. Virgil 2004 follows him out. They opt for a flashback. They both use hand sanitizier and Paul Harvey IS VINDICATED! VINDICATED!! THE REST OF THE STORY IS THAT PAUL HARVEY IS VINDICATED! Vindicated. Yes, finally. The Harvey Handshake is ONE step away from a national forum... JBL has a plan. He must bust on the cars in Detroit and HE IS A SEXY SLEEK MACHINE BUILT TO LAST! Orlando is maybe going for an Evil JC Watts vibe? Orlando is a great American. Orlando is JBL's new Chief Of Staff. AH! He is the new Evil John Edwards! Orlando's One America is more about being beaten to death by JBL's next challenger. His time is now! OOP! Orlando gets the Undertaker and it all becomes clear.

Hey, Paul London takes on Spike Dudley! This should be good. OOP! The Dudleys show up to heat this baby up at ringside. London takes the dropkick through the ropes while trying to skin the cat. Bubba is like Lyger at ringside in the NOAH/NJ Jr matches- in that he is TWICE as important at ringside than anything in the ring- heatwise. London is all about the improbable but lovely looking offense and Spike takes the Double Axe-Handle Off The Top Gone Awry LIKE A MAN. Spike with the crappy roll-up after Bubba pulls Spike out of the way. Postmatch, the beatings with belts is fun. Needed tables.

Scotty2Hotty does the HIGHlarious Bob Odenkirk character from Mr Show. "He useta be nice but he's changed." TEDDY LONG IS HELPING TOMORROWS CHILDREN! TEDDY IS ABOUT OPPORTUNITY! Hey, Rush doing "Summertime Blues". Not as cool as the Midtown doing "Susanne", but what could possibly be?

Torrie Wilson makes her fake titties NOT jiggle as she jumps up and down on a springboard, but all is forgotten as she loses her top- MEANWHILE 43 year old virgins toast frothing, acidic, yellowish loads over their Rob Leifield-autographed cgi-slabbed Youngblood #1 into their Cutey Honey collector's sweatsocks. We will always have this joke. I love you, dear reader, and you love me. Spoon with me in cyberspace as we lauf and lauf and lauf with the laufter of lovers.

- Orlando versus MMATAKER! I await a midget. Or Brian Lee. OOP! It's the MMAtaker and I'm excited. Orlando is supposedly good according to Cody so he should have a good match with the MMA stylings of MMAtaker. MT powers out of a lock-up early and works a headlock and cuts Jordan off with a shoulderblock. MT works the shoulder. Jordan goes on offense after backing MT into the corner. MT reverses it and cuts him off with his punches in the corner. Orlando goes back on offense and sells the beating. MT punches to transition. Orlando gets chokeslammed and JBL allows him to get to the floor to recover. MT goes back to the arm. SWEET head and arm takedown by MT and Jordan kicks out and low blows to offense. Jordan works him over in the corner. This is called telling a story, kids. It's the basis of good wrestling. Jordan punches MT in the head and eats an elbow as MT cuts him off finally. MT bumps weird into the steps and this is like a real wrestling match. FUCKING MUTA POWER DRIVE ELBOW by Jordan and I am loving this. They trade punches and MT wins again off the ropes. Nice corner Lariat by MT and they make it all screwy with the JBL Lariat. This was fucking beautiful. MT is so fucking Old School.

Teddy Long is fly in his Brian Ferry double breasted suit. I await him to break out a Rick James Commemorative version of "Virginia Plain". En LIEU, he announces the greatest match of the WWE year. Eddy and Angle FACE-OFF! JUST LIKE IN PRO WRESTLING ILLUSTRATED! Swweeet Lowrider. What is that? A Falcon? Dodge Dart? Whatever it is, thank God he's not coming out in those stupid trucks anymore. They stare at each other a while. Eddy gets on the stick and brings the HEAT~! Eddy is fucking GREAT on the stick. Angle gets Eddy on a technicality. Eddy is fabulous in response. These guys are this generations Flair and Steamboat in depth of ability and in depth of contrasts of image. Teddy Long comes out and gets them to shake hands. This match will motherfucking RULE.

Ah, sweet MicroTouch. It's sleek design is PLEASING to the touch.

A Summergames Relay Match. Okay, sure. Cena has an Isiah Thomas throwback and I wonder why he didn't go for the far cooler Billy Sims throwback. Cena notes that RVD smokes all the weed on earth. Team Booker T shows up. RVD and Booker T start off with comically unlikely offenses. RVD sells the top wristlock like he is stretching before the match. Booker with the knife edge chops and RVD with a comical kick to go on offense. RVD makes with super fruity embellishemnts and why doesn't he bring a ball or streamers for his rhythmic... GODDAMIT! They set up the five minute relay thing really well and Luther Reigns shows up. We go to a commercial and we all go into a dream state. We think about Lucas's beautiful manly hair... no, I'm not allowed to talk about that any more. Sorry there, Lucas. We return to RVD needing just 53 seconds to survive the Reignssault. Haas comes in and starts working on Reigns knee. Haas with the Calf Branding and the ankle lock and I dig it. Haas stays on the knee. Reigns chokes to TRANSITION~!? Nice Butterfly Suplex and Reigns sells the knee as Haas Fireman's Carrys to offense. Nice Belly to Back by Rains. We go to a commercial. As we come back, it's a nice suplex by Haas as he tries to hold out. THE WANG DUPREE is in with the STF and Haas holds out. This match is great considering they've fucked any kind of psychology with commercials. Of course, RVD and Luther Reigns killing three minutes is probably helped by 3 minutes of Mentos commercials. Cena sells the assbeating of Dupree and his WANG. Dupree sticks his junk directly into Cena's spinal chord and Cena sells it like Bob Backlund in 1983. Dupree with a decent Vertical Suplex. Fabulous Jawjacker by Cena to counter the Chinlock. They run the ropes weirdly and TAZZ (and me) IS SPRUNG as Rene does the French Tickler. Cena with the Fistdrop and they are really using the clock to fun effect. Cena can't hit the F-U and Booker T comes back in. Booker goes for the kill with his shitty offense. Cena kicks out from the kneedrop and Booker goes into a chinlock. Booker bumps big to the floor and Cena gets the FLASHPIN?!?! Faces stand tall postmatch. That was a good little match.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

Chavo Guerrerro Jr shows up. Where has he been? His father and his heat is gone. And it's Nunzio. Yes, Nunzio. Is this Worldwide? Are Hall and Nash going to storm the ring midmatch? They kinda wrestle for a while as I join the crowd looking in the back waiting for the run-in. Chavo with a nice Doc Death gutwrench suplex. Nunzio wins with a reversal of a rollup after reversing a Gory Thing. Well. That was pointless. 3 minute Cruiserweight matches are sooo 1998.

Fuck Bowflex. God, it makes women all hard and gross if the commercial is any indication. Not that I wouldn't hit it. And become very winded when she- her love AFLAME upon viewing the all-natural pec of a REAL MAN unencumbered by years of exercise- crushes my ribs with her jakked up buttocks muscles. Bowflex denies her my quality love as I crawl on the floor, coughing up blood, weeping like a baby...

Come on. Van Halen ended DIRECTLY after the last note of "Hot For Teacher." Anything past that is completely useless. Diamond Dave was right, "Nobody wants to see you play keyboards, people want you to play guitar." Damn skippy, motherfucker.

Oh and FUCK WRANGLER. When they used fucking "Fortunate Son" as a rah rah America song to sell fucking blue jeans, they could then begin to suck the epidermis off my cock. I love America more than anything other than my friends and family, but if you can't listen to "Fortunate Son" and face the shortfalls of your country, then you aren't a true American. Fuck you, Wrangler.

The lack of a true shot of the Big Show jumping off the high dive SUCKS. A shot of Big Show and Rikishi re-enacting the Greek Ideal of Manly Love would be... nevermind.

FUCK SUBWAY! Sell us out to the Germans? Jared can have a carb-enriched mouthful of my All-American Dick. Suck it until your love handles come back, motherfucker.

Trojan ads. Still. Maybe you should just wait until you're married. Or go home and RAVAGE your junk while watching "King Of Queens". That gal's buttocks are SOLID GOLD. Sweet sweet self-love. Sweet meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..................

So, the bottom line? I guess the show was pretty good again. The ads are driving me crazy like mad. Still, no Crazy World this week and that's not a bad thing.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

I'm Horror(ble)

I received my Studio 35 newsletter this morning and the scoop is: 1/4 of the tickets for the Horror Marathon have already been sold, so if any gentle readers here want to go, the time to buy your ticket is NOW. Here's the confirmed movie list so far.

Ringu
The Exorcist
Young Frankenstein
Bloody Mary
Idle Hands
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (not sure which version)

There is "contingent confirmation" (their words not mine) on "Shaun of the Dead", and one of Savini's movies will be shown, though it's not clear yet which one it will be. Anyway, this sounds like a blast as far as the movie list, so I hope that a bunch of us will posse up for it.

RIP Rick James

Okay, yes. SAD. Seriously. But at least he can't further sully his legacy by ending speaking engagements with worn out Chappelle dialogue. However, thanks to Chappelle, most people's final memory of him is laughter of the good kind, instead of the more derisive kind directed his way in the aftermath of that whole kidnapping thing. I've gotta think that instead of dying as a joke, he will live on as a punchline, and I hope that's a better fate...

Brief Smackdown Workrate

No beer this week, but we DO come in LATE~! as my dad forgot to hit the "record" button as I asked him to until it was TOO LATE! So, let's get to it!

WHAT WORKED

I guess I missed the whole Orlando Jordan becoming nise Virgil deal, but I do get to see KURT MOTHERFUCKING ANGLE! Hey, against Charlie HAAS! Awesome! Hey, they start with a nice mirror sequence. You can see the rust but he is still all good. Angle with the Front Chancellory! Angle works the neck and Charlie fights to a vertical base but Angle cuts him off by overpowering him. Haas goes on offense after catching Angle with an elbow off the ropes and hits a nice suplex for two. Angle cuts him off with the sweet belly-to-belly and goes back to working the neck. Angle with the Body Scissors and Johnny Valentine smiles up from hell. They edit Kurt's punches so I assume they were not ready for Prime Time. Angle bumps like a fucking idiot to the floor. Angle goes Psicosis-like into the corner post and this baby is heating up. Haas hits the Moonsault AxeHandle (yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyep.) and I weep at the lovely goofiness. For some reason, that isn't a finisher and Angle goes into an ankle lock and Haas escapes. Angle Slam and nasty looking heel hook for the tap and Angle is God-like with the refusal to release the hold. Kurt Angle motherfucking rules.

The MicroTouch commercial enters our lives again. I whisper to myself, "Yes, make me hairless oh beautiful state-of-the-art shaving device. I want to shave it all and show my hot bod...."

London and Kidman defend the BELTS! It's the Basham brothers. 614 HOLD THE FLOOR! London wrestles like Tatanka II tonight for some reason. I await a war dance. Kidman does bring the bumping to the tag team and I can't deny it. Bashams look like shit early on- what with the bland double teams and super loose strikes. Kidman hits a nice dropkick for his first hope spot. London with some nice House A-Fire lariats and fruity dropkicks. Kidman DIES against the rail and London hits a SWEEET Firebird Splash and the pin. The tag title scene is still awesome.

Rey Rey and Spike tag together- I'm assuming that Spike will turn on Rey Rey by the end of this one. The Dudleys come out. Spike hurts his knee and Rey Rey now has to try to look as cool as Barry Windham selling the asskicking while being let down by his partner. Bubba hits a fucking BEAUTIFUL elbow drop. And another and ANOTHER. Rey Rey's first hope spot involves Devon selling his lips really weirdly. Devon and Bubba are great making Rey Rey's comebacks look really good before the logical finish of Rey Rey losing. SPIKE TURNS! Unbelievable! Luckily, they make the obvious turn fun by having Spike put Rey Rey through a table. Dudleys rule. Rey Rey RULES.

AWESOME! RUSH! Fly by night away from here. Change my life today.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

JBL and MMAtaker talk a while. JBL is fun doing the Jericho turn on Canada but in Texas. HEY! MMAtaker is a midget! Because making fun of handicapped people is FUN! JBL makes fun of the wee person. WAIT! A NINE FOOT UNDERTAKER and JBL is now 13 inches tall! In my dreams. JBL does lean into the big boot like a MAN. Orlando Jordan? Ahhhh, who gives a fuck. And he chokeslams the adorable little person. So filled with hate...

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

Village of ROCK and Smackdown!

Okay, I saw "the Village" this afternoon, so I guess I have to comment on it. I'll try to avoid spoiling the big SWERVEZZZZZZZZZZZ!

I love how M. Night Shamalamadingdong seems to have just complete contempt for his audience at this point. For the first hour and fifty minutes or so, I thought it was an incredibly boring mishmash of “the Crucible” and “the Blair Witch Project”. And the final twist, which he telegraphed about half an hour earlier, just made me want to drag him out into the street. There was nothing emotionally moving outside of Adrien Brody and Joaquin Phoenix’s performances. What should have been an emotionally charged sequence, with Ivy charging blindly into the woods, just fell flat on its face. It wasn’t a horrible movie, just one that should have been a hundred times better given the cool premise. I just hope that there’s a backlash and Shamalyan takes his next movie in a different direction, maybe a little more straight forward, because “The Village” was just him spinning his wheels.

Okay, onto better things.

Last night evening, after a viewing of the instant classic "SUCKERPUNCH!" featuring Greg EFFIN' Nice, Andrew and I ventured to Little Brothers for some rock (of the musical variety), some Rock ( of the Rolling variety), and some barbeque. That's right, it was the First Annual Vertical Slumbeque! Featuring all of your favorite national acts like Magnolia Electric Company, the Court and Spark, and Swearing at Motorists! Yeah, right. Anyway, of the eight acts that performed in the SIX hours that we were in attendance, I had heard tell of Moviola and they were pretty cool, but the rest of the bands were new to me. Aside from some grrrl rocker that caused Andrew to request "Freebird" halfway through her set (Hey, I get to play one more for you guys!) and caused ME to doubt the existence of the passage of time, I really enjoyed all of the groups. Local boys The Bygones were especially kickin' and the BBQ was quite tasty. Over on Adrew's blog in the near future, you may hear tell of my being awarded Rock's Purple Heart, but I'm not conceited so I won't tell that story here. HAW. Anyway, a good time was had by all, and it definitely made he hope that there's a Second Annual Vertical Slumbeque.

Now... what everyone is REALLY here for. Drunken Smackdown ramblings.

I started this report last night after getting home (already minorly buzzed) and finding a six of Sam Adams hiding in the back of my refrigerator. My guess is that I stole beer from Mike Cavender and that the day of reckoning is fast approaching. In the meantime, see if you can figure out where I left off and continued on today, sober.

I am DEEPLY on the way to being completely drunk. I'm only twenty-one, so it isn't actually pathetic. I looked it up. YOU WILL NOT BE SPARED ANDY PLUS BOOZE! I know a little bout love and baby I can guess the rest. They are in Cincinnati and all I can think about is how fucking great our state is. The Swearing at Motorists guy said so over and over again between (and sometimes during) songs, so it has to be true.

WHAT WORKED

- Active Roster Kurt Angle! Fuck yeah, motherfucker. You know who is really fucking great? KURT FUCKING ANGLE.

- Booker T is on the stick. KENZO! is out. FUCK YOU, BOOKER T! KENZO LOVES AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKER! And I guess we'll have a five way dance as RVD shows up. And then Luther Reigns. And THE WANG DUPREE! Aww fuck. It's gonna be a fucking battle royal. I can't believe I only have six beers to make it through this. Cena shows up and it's official. GOD, that's a LOT of shitty punches I'm gonna have to sit through. Vince shows up and I await the far more coherent storyline of the Micro Touch commercial. OH SHIT! Teddy Long is the new GM! AWWWESOME. Teddy fucking rocks the mic like a VANdool. Light you up like a candooool. So that makes this work. Because it was lookin' dodgy for a second there.


I am the aforementioned Luther Reigns. GRRRRR.

- REY REY! wrestles Spike Dudley. Rey wears the belt to the ring JUST LIKE FLAIR USED TO. That reminds me that Rey Misterio is absolutely fucking awesome. Face versus face hand shake but they bring the HATE early and I love this match. It's really fucking fun with the nearfalls setting up the screwy Dudley-filled finish. This could be a good little feud.

- Angle and Long have a battle of wits betwixt fellas with bald heads and sweet ass double breasted suits. Angle WRESTLES! FUCK YES.

- Paul London and Billy Kidman defend the BELTS! The Dudleys are getting all kinds of props on 'da NET these days. I don't think they can be the Midnight Express versus London's RnR Express, but we'll see tonight. I can only assume that London will sell like Ricky Morton. Bubba does work the arm-ringer like fucking Greg Valentine. Kidman reverses it but Bubba cuts him off and then Bubba RUDOS the Kidman and London comeback. London fucking DIES on the bump to the floor. We go to a commercial. Join me, won't you? Let's think about Lucas's beautiful yet manly hair. OH SHIT! I'm SPENT AS MICRO TOUCH SHOWS UP AS I FREAK OUT TO LUCAS + MICRO TOUCH! Such a beautiful ten piece grooming kit. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnghhhhh! Ooop. Where were we? We come back and Billy is selling the backbreaker. D-Von works on the neck and he is ssssssssssssooooooooooooo not as good as Stan Lane. Kidman sucks selling the beatdown but London is fucking great as a house afire. NICE Superkick by London. London is such the superstar in this. London sells the assbeating like a king and the Double Superplex on D-Von is fucking beautiful. Nice nearfall. London is GREAT on the first nearfall. Rey Rey with REVENGE on the Dudleys! and the cool ass roll up by London and this fucking rocked.

- Cactus Jack is at the Democratic National Convention. I love America.

- Eddy! What could he have? What could be the secret? Ah, it doesn't really matter. It's fucking Eddy Guerrerro. If they love us, they will re-ignite the fucking white hot Eddy versus Angle storyline and all the fucking beautiful batches of wrestling therein. Eddy shows up and they announce that next week my wrestling pecker will spurt it's seed over the greatness of Eddy Guerrerro and Kurt Motherfucking Angle wrestling each other. Fuck yeah. I love the Professional Wrestling and so do you. FUCK YEAH! LET'S DO IT TONIGHT! Eddy stole many things of Kurt's. Eddy is good people. Eddy mentions his cousin Chewy who will put hydraulics on the wheel chair. (Oh, Eddy versus Kurt is at the Summerslam thingy. Rats.)

-The JBL video package is a thing of beauty. JBL has proud American parents. JBL had a GREAT mullet. I am proud. Yes, I am. Two games with a broken leg!

- The 8 man match for the US title begins. Haas and RVD start and Haas does sweet armdrags. Le WANG tags in and Dupree does EVERYTHING great except actually wrestle. Haas jobs early to the 1998 Fame-asser. Dupree works over Billy Gunn. He flaunts his PENIS over Gunn and Billy freaks out and beats his ass- AS IF HE AND CHUCK WERE NEVER GOING TO BE MARRIED! Cena and Reigns have a fun section. Luther with the SWEET Steiner crossfaces. Cena sells it all like a KING. Reigns bumps big on the perfectly fine punches of Cena. KENZO gets disqualified after Cena tries to mount his wife! Commercial and I goes and pees and gets beer number 5. "King of Queens" ad just before they come back gets this guy's attention. Booker T and Cena punch each other in the faces as we return. Billy Gunn with some kind of Lariat for two. They edit Cena's punches and you wonder how much they really suck. Gunn is fucking great yelling at the rubes as he procures the Sleeper. Cena hits the shittiest DDT to exist since the end of Hulk Hogan's wrestling career. But then again, I never saw the Chono versus Hogan matches that were supposed to have completely RULED. Cena eliminates Gunn with something I missed. Reigns returns to the ring. Cena sells the assbeating like John Cena will sell an assbeating. Cena with the "Death Valley Driver" and Luther is pinned. Cena is fucking BEAUTIFUL with his selling of Booker T and RVD's finishers. Fabulously beautiful nearfalls as Cena makes RVD look almost credible. Booker T with the nice Double Finishers made for a great finish. FAR FAR FAR better than I figured it would be.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

This was actually a pretty great show through and through for once. Although I wonder if I would have liked the first half of that eight man as much as I did had I watched it today.

Anyway, that's my update. Thank you for you time.