The Hypothesized Smackdown Workrate Report!

So, I didn't watch Smackdown this week. BUT... I decided to write up how I predicted it would turn out via the spoilerless results given to me by the magic of the Internet. Let's see how this goes

WHAT WORKED

Scotty 2 Hotty gets on the mic to introduce himself to the crowd - none of whom can pick him out of line-up yet - and they go over last weeks comical set-up of this match. Spike Dudley comes out with a picture of Dick Cheney tattooed across his chest and the words, "We'll take all that oil now, you Canadian Moosemounting socialists" written underneath. Scotty hits five dropkicks and Spike sells them by flying shoulderfirst into the announcers' table. Tazz says, "GOOD GOD, COLE! I THINK THAT LAST T-BONE SUPLEX JUST KILLED SPiKE!" The Dudley Boys comes out and 3-D Scotty directly up a moose's ass. Spike pins the moose after hitting an Acid Drop and retains. The crowd fills the ring with chairs just like that Terry Funk match from ECW. Except everyone in the ring gets paid afterwards.

Chavo Guerrero and Jamie Knoble team together because they are the most heatless wrestlers in the WWE after their pushes were so completely botched/ruined. Chavo tries to raise some heel heat by getting on the STICK~! and talking about how he can't tell the difference between Triumph and Chiliwack when listening to the radio on the way to the arena. Kidman/Paul London have the belts and are highfiving the crowd as they get to the ring. Kidman and Noble lock up and trade armdrags for four minutes until A MASKED FIGURE COMES OUT OF THE CROWD AND ENTERS THE RING! The figure grabs Paul London and looks to be choking him out as the other three helplessly attempt to stop the six foot tall behemoth! Chavo grabs his mask and pulls it off and they all three fall back STUNNED! He's not choking him - it was the TONGAN DEATHGRIP! MENG STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING - his hair... GIGANTIC. His Pants... GOLDEN AND GIGANTIC. He gets on the stick and says "I AM THE MONSTER MENG" in Spanish and THEN shouts "I AM KING HAIKU!" in Japanese. And then shouts "I AM NOT A SHARK!" in English. He then stacks all four cruiserweights up and pins them all with one foot on the chest of Kidman. He walks out of the ring with the tag titles and is also awarded the Cruiserweight title - onto which he immediately pees and sets on fire. This works because Meng is wearing those pants.

D-Von Dudley and John Cena have a wrestling match where they switch camera angles every half second since both have such shitty punches. WWE has the finest production in all of Northeastern US bigtime wrestling. So that has to work.

Teddy Long comes out and says "dollah dollah bill!" First he announces the return of the Immortal Sensei Sonny Ono who comes out wearing a solid gold karate outfit. Sonny gets on the stick and says, "I want all you fat, smelly, poutine-eating Canadian redneck motherfuckers to get the hell out of the way so your poor, long-suffering wives and girlfriends so they can FINALLY get a look at a REAL MAN. Set your nipples in the upright position because HERE HE COMES, ladies - BOBBY HARDWORK WALKER!" Walker also has a golden Karate outfit but Ono ceremonially pulls it off of him by the velcroed seams. Walker has on a banana hammock with a picture of Linda McMahon over his Big Business. They cut back to Linda at the monitor and she is upset at first. Then she is overcome by curiosity as they fade out.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

JBL and Orlando Jordan come out with Paul Harvey and give everyone a Paul Harvey Salute and they laugh and talk about how shaking hands with Hamiltonians is like shaking hands with a triple stack of french waffles. Orlando scores a mountain of cheap heat by saying that if nationalized healthcare means still french kissing the Queen of England's decrepit old ass 400 years after landing in Mooseville, he'd take his chances with his HMO. Paul Harvey causes a near riot by telling a ten minute story that ends with "... and that little girl who grew up to be the first woman in the CFL was... Rocky DiPietro. Now you know THE REST OF THE STORY." JBL talks at length about his plan to move the Montreal Canadiennes to Birmingham, Alabama when the Undertaker's music starts playing. HOSS GRACIE (thanks, Lee) shows up and tombstones Paul Harvey as the JBL and Orlando clear the ring. HOSS yells into the face of the unconscious and bleeding hardway Harvey - "THE CANADIENS ARE MOVING TO SAN ANTONIO, YOU ODD PRONOUNCING FREAK! REST. IN. PEACE." Chairs fly into the ring like that Terry Funk match from ECW. Except everybody in the ring gets paid afterwards. This didn't work because everybody knows the Canadiens are moving to Northern Virginia after being bought by Disney and being renamed the Loudon County World Of Pooh.

Spike tells the other Dudleys- who are setting a poster of Guy LeFleur on fire - how happy he is to be evil. They all laugh and laugh and dine on a litter of kittens. John Cena comes out and saves the kittens and says, "Yo yo yo! Them kittens were given to me by my skeezah flygirl bizzznitches from the Hamilton Ontario Girl Scouts!" Cena quickly grabs three male kittens and points their tails at each Dudley, blinding them with kitty musk spray. "DUD-LEYS done run out of GAS - deze pussies done sprayed yo..." and the crowd shouts "ASS!" This doesn't work because I don't think Canada has girl scouts.

Renee Dupree gets on the stick and calls RVD a semen-guzzling America fannypants homosexual. They cut back to RVD in the back unphased by the monitor. Dupree says - in an accent that comes and goes - that RVD's ponytail comes in handy as a handle when RVD is blowing everybody in the back. They switch back to RVD in the back and he good naturedly smiles like he's been found out. Dupree goes in for the kill - he then announces that he has joined the conservative party and will do what he can to RE-criminalize marijuana in Canada. They cut back to an enraged RVD who has smashed the monitor on the concrete and storms the ring. RVD chokeslams the ref to the floor and legit starts muy thai kicking Dupree in the face - causing a 9 inch gash across Dupree's forhead. Dupree is overheard shouting "WHAT THE FUCK, ROB!?! It's a FUCKING WORK! STOP IT MOTHERFUCKER!" The entire back comes out and breaks kayfabe by swarming on the enraged RVD until the house PA can start playing a tape of Phish live in Philly 4/23/2002. RVD is soothed by a 27 minute guitar solo and bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. This doesn't work because they break kayfabe on national tv.

Eddy Guerrero wrestles Kurt Angle. GODDAMMIT.

Kurt Angle, Eddy Guerrero and fucking Rey Misterio Jr are in a wrestling match. GODDAMMIT...

Those last two didn't work because I didn't actually get to see them. GODDAMMIT.

THERE YOU HAVE IT