I love how M. Night Shamalamadingdong seems to have just complete contempt for his audience at this point. For the first hour and fifty minutes or so, I thought it was an incredibly boring mishmash of “the Crucible” and “the Blair Witch Project”. And the final twist, which he telegraphed about half an hour earlier, just made me want to drag him out into the street. There was nothing emotionally moving outside of Adrien Brody and Joaquin Phoenix’s performances. What should have been an emotionally charged sequence, with Ivy charging blindly into the woods, just fell flat on its face. It wasn’t a horrible movie, just one that should have been a hundred times better given the cool premise. I just hope that there’s a backlash and Shamalyan takes his next movie in a different direction, maybe a little more straight forward, because “The Village” was just him spinning his wheels.
Okay, onto better things.
Last night evening, after a viewing of the instant classic "SUCKERPUNCH!" featuring Greg EFFIN' Nice, Andrew and I ventured to Little Brothers for some rock (of the musical variety), some Rock ( of the Rolling variety), and some barbeque. That's right, it was the First Annual Vertical Slumbeque! Featuring all of your favorite national acts like Magnolia Electric Company, the Court and Spark, and Swearing at Motorists! Yeah, right. Anyway, of the eight acts that performed in the SIX hours that we were in attendance, I had heard tell of Moviola and they were pretty cool, but the rest of the bands were new to me. Aside from some grrrl rocker that caused Andrew to request "Freebird" halfway through her set (Hey, I get to play one more for you guys!) and caused ME to doubt the existence of the passage of time, I really enjoyed all of the groups. Local boys The Bygones were especially kickin' and the BBQ was quite tasty. Over on Adrew's blog in the near future, you may hear tell of my being awarded Rock's Purple Heart, but I'm not conceited so I won't tell that story here. HAW. Anyway, a good time was had by all, and it definitely made he hope that there's a Second Annual Vertical Slumbeque.
Now... what everyone is REALLY here for. Drunken Smackdown ramblings.
I started this report last night after getting home (already minorly buzzed) and finding a six of Sam Adams hiding in the back of my refrigerator. My guess is that I stole beer from Mike Cavender and that the day of reckoning is fast approaching. In the meantime, see if you can figure out where I left off and continued on today, sober.
I am DEEPLY on the way to being completely drunk. I'm only twenty-one, so it isn't actually pathetic. I looked it up. YOU WILL NOT BE SPARED ANDY PLUS BOOZE! I know a little bout love and baby I can guess the rest. They are in Cincinnati and all I can think about is how fucking great our state is. The Swearing at Motorists guy said so over and over again between (and sometimes during) songs, so it has to be true.
WHAT WORKED
- Active Roster Kurt Angle! Fuck yeah, motherfucker. You know who is really fucking great? KURT FUCKING ANGLE.
- Booker T is on the stick. KENZO! is out. FUCK YOU, BOOKER T! KENZO LOVES AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKER! And I guess we'll have a five way dance as RVD shows up. And then Luther Reigns. And THE WANG DUPREE! Aww fuck. It's gonna be a fucking battle royal. I can't believe I only have six beers to make it through this. Cena shows up and it's official. GOD, that's a LOT of shitty punches I'm gonna have to sit through. Vince shows up and I await the far more coherent storyline of the Micro Touch commercial. OH SHIT! Teddy Long is the new GM! AWWWESOME. Teddy fucking rocks the mic like a VANdool. Light you up like a candooool. So that makes this work. Because it was lookin' dodgy for a second there.
I am the aforementioned Luther Reigns. GRRRRR.
- REY REY! wrestles Spike Dudley. Rey wears the belt to the ring JUST LIKE FLAIR USED TO. That reminds me that Rey Misterio is absolutely fucking awesome. Face versus face hand shake but they bring the HATE early and I love this match. It's really fucking fun with the nearfalls setting up the screwy Dudley-filled finish. This could be a good little feud.
- Angle and Long have a battle of wits betwixt fellas with bald heads and sweet ass double breasted suits. Angle WRESTLES! FUCK YES.
- Paul London and Billy Kidman defend the BELTS! The Dudleys are getting all kinds of props on 'da NET these days. I don't think they can be the Midnight Express versus London's RnR Express, but we'll see tonight. I can only assume that London will sell like Ricky Morton. Bubba does work the arm-ringer like fucking Greg Valentine. Kidman reverses it but Bubba cuts him off and then Bubba RUDOS the Kidman and London comeback. London fucking DIES on the bump to the floor. We go to a commercial. Join me, won't you? Let's think about Lucas's beautiful yet manly hair. OH SHIT! I'm SPENT AS MICRO TOUCH SHOWS UP AS I FREAK OUT TO LUCAS + MICRO TOUCH! Such a beautiful ten piece grooming kit. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnghhhhh! Ooop. Where were we? We come back and Billy is selling the backbreaker. D-Von works on the neck and he is ssssssssssssooooooooooooo not as good as Stan Lane. Kidman sucks selling the beatdown but London is fucking great as a house afire. NICE Superkick by London. London is such the superstar in this. London sells the assbeating like a king and the Double Superplex on D-Von is fucking beautiful. Nice nearfall. London is GREAT on the first nearfall. Rey Rey with REVENGE on the Dudleys! and the cool ass roll up by London and this fucking rocked.
- Cactus Jack is at the Democratic National Convention. I love America.
- Eddy! What could he have? What could be the secret? Ah, it doesn't really matter. It's fucking Eddy Guerrerro. If they love us, they will re-ignite the fucking white hot Eddy versus Angle storyline and all the fucking beautiful batches of wrestling therein. Eddy shows up and they announce that next week my wrestling pecker will spurt it's seed over the greatness of Eddy Guerrerro and Kurt Motherfucking Angle wrestling each other. Fuck yeah. I love the Professional Wrestling and so do you. FUCK YEAH! LET'S DO IT TONIGHT! Eddy stole many things of Kurt's. Eddy is good people. Eddy mentions his cousin Chewy who will put hydraulics on the wheel chair. (Oh, Eddy versus Kurt is at the Summerslam thingy. Rats.)
-The JBL video package is a thing of beauty. JBL has proud American parents. JBL had a GREAT mullet. I am proud. Yes, I am. Two games with a broken leg!
- The 8 man match for the US title begins. Haas and RVD start and Haas does sweet armdrags. Le WANG tags in and Dupree does EVERYTHING great except actually wrestle. Haas jobs early to the 1998 Fame-asser. Dupree works over Billy Gunn. He flaunts his PENIS over Gunn and Billy freaks out and beats his ass- AS IF HE AND CHUCK WERE NEVER GOING TO BE MARRIED! Cena and Reigns have a fun section. Luther with the SWEET Steiner crossfaces. Cena sells it all like a KING. Reigns bumps big on the perfectly fine punches of Cena. KENZO gets disqualified after Cena tries to mount his wife! Commercial and I goes and pees and gets beer number 5. "King of Queens" ad just before they come back gets this guy's attention. Booker T and Cena punch each other in the faces as we return. Billy Gunn with some kind of Lariat for two. They edit Cena's punches and you wonder how much they really suck. Gunn is fucking great yelling at the rubes as he procures the Sleeper. Cena hits the shittiest DDT to exist since the end of Hulk Hogan's wrestling career. But then again, I never saw the Chono versus Hogan matches that were supposed to have completely RULED. Cena eliminates Gunn with something I missed. Reigns returns to the ring. Cena sells the assbeating like John Cena will sell an assbeating. Cena with the "Death Valley Driver" and Luther is pinned. Cena is fucking BEAUTIFUL with his selling of Booker T and RVD's finishers. Fabulously beautiful nearfalls as Cena makes RVD look almost credible. Booker T with the nice Double Finishers made for a great finish. FAR FAR FAR better than I figured it would be.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
This was actually a pretty great show through and through for once. Although I wonder if I would have liked the first half of that eight man as much as I did had I watched it today.
Anyway, that's my update. Thank you for you time.
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