The New Plague

For too long, backyard wrestling has been maligned in the press. Written off as nothing more than inbred idiots jumping through tables and panes of glass, lighting themselves on fire for no good reason. All the while, a threat much more insidious has been lurking behind America's houses, threatening to tear at the very fabric of our family lives.

BACKYARD FOOTBALL.

Today, my oldest nephew, Roger, is in surgery at Children's Hospital because some goon FELL ON HIM, breaking the poor lad's jaw. I remember nigh ten years ago, the first time I held the infant in my arm and thought about how I'd never loved anyone so completely, now lying in a hospital bed, clinging to life! Well, okay, not clinging to life. But... CLINGING TO TEETH! And some glandular freak twelve year old is to blame! Roger's jaw is wired shut, and the band plays on! No footballs will be stored high on shelves or in the back of closets, away from the reach of impressionable children. But go on, America... lock up your barbed wire and light bulbs. WE ARE A NATION OF MISPLACED VALUES!

NEVER FORGET