This entry brought to you by the Nintendo Fun Club

Sometimes people try to tell you things that just aren't true. Many times the lies are harmless, such as "No honey, you're not fat", or the moon landing. Other times however, lies can be very dangerous. Take something that happened today at Ruby's for instance. A supposed friend, clearly at times a drunken buffoon, swore up and down that I had, the previous Sunday, stated for all the world to hear, "I bleed orange and brown!" This is ridiculous, and the orange and black attack from Cincinnati will hold down their home field and trounce my second favorite team on Christmas Eve Eve (not a typo). The certainty of a Bengals win isn't the point, though. The point is that this lie makes me seem like a traitor, and while I don't have any experience with being a sports traitor, I'm of the understanding that it holds the same penalties as treason at a federal level. Something to do with being forced to read Ann Coulter books and third gender porn magazines.


Look out for "her" TRANNY SURPRISE~!

Even worse than the very real possibility of having to endure How to Talk to a Liberal: (If You Must) is some other straight up bullshit I heard at the game today. Somebody was trying to sell actual living, breathing human beings on Super Tecmo Bowl being in any way competitive with Tecmo Super Bowl.

As Chavo Guerrero Senior once said in a great moment, "THIS IS A SHENANIGAN!" I am not filled with mirth and joy over this particular shenanigan, however. This is the type of shenanigan that really sticks in my craw.


WHERE IS THERE TO GO BUT DOWN!?

I don't care about updated rosters, touchbacks, or fifteen minute quarters. Who the fuck would play fifteen minute quarters on Tecmo Bowl anyway? The score would be in the mid-thousands. I am now putting forward a call for people to MAN UP and accept their responsibility as children of the '80s. Reject the 16 bit false prophet! He is the lyingest liar of them all!


"UP IS DOWN, LEFT IS RIGHT, WHITE IS BLACK!"

Moreover, how can these people, of all people, forsake a game that includes QB BROWNS!?


What would Bernie say to you people?

I'm too disgusted to properly segue into Jenna's glory, so here you go.


A lady who knows the value of "Blasphemous" Bill Brooks and "Ivy" Joe Hunter.