RAW is Poor

Okay, so not really. I actually liked last night's show, by and large. I didn't start watching until about 12:45 for Bourbon Street related reasons, but I was captivated enough by the goings on that I made it through the entire program with minimal fast forwarding (do you really expect me to watch an eight man tag featuring Hacksaw Jim Duggan and The Highlanders? Come on now). I wouldn't have given Chris Jericho's first match in over two years away for free with about two minutes of build up, but I'm not the head of a multi-million dollar company. Aside from what I felt was a foolish business decision in that regard, Jericho looked good in defeating the ever-dangerous Santino Marella. He also endeared himself to me by taking a sweet looking move that Alex Shelley has used for years as little more than "just another move" and actually turning it into a finisher. I like Alex Shelley, but seriously, less is more, dude.

Even better was the angle they started with Ric Flair. Essentially, he came out last night, in Charlotte, and the announcers were wringing their hands over what they assumed would be the Nature Boy announcing his retirement from our so called sport. Not so! Indeed, the 58-year old bag of skin declared that he would never retire, that he would die in the ring! The fans were pleased by this news to a distressing degree. So out shambles Vince, who pretended to play nice for a few seconds before dropping the hammer: Ric Flair will continue to wrestle until he LOSES a match! Randy Orton, ne'er-do-well WWE Champion found that news music to his ears, and insisted that he be the one to end Flair's career, THAT VERY NIGHT.

So it was all set: Flair versus Orton, Flair's career on the line. Add to that the fun Jericho return match and things were coasting along very, very well. And then it happened.

Hornswoggle McMahon got trapped in a room with Carlito.

Yes, the 4'4" chin-pubed pariah of professional wrestling's first family was tricked into entering an enclosed space by a sign reading "Free Ice Cream Sandwiches." Once inside, Carlito was waiting, notably without any ice cream sandwiches. You see, Carlito was pinned by Hornswoggle last week on RAW because that's what happens when you ask for your release from WWE. Anyway, he was out for a little REVANCHE. You'd think that in an enclosed space, a man the size of Carlito would have a distinct advantage over a dwarf. Of course, you'd be wrong. His back against a wall, Hornswoggle produced a black magic marker and began drawing on the wall. The camera chose not to capture this moment, instead focusing on Carlito's puzzled expression. When we saw the result of the dwarf's labors, it was a perfectly sketched tunnel, just big enough for a little person to walk right on through. That is, if it weren't a tunnel painted onto a brick wall. I mean, it's not a cartoon, right? Hahahahaha! WRONG.

After running around Carlito a few times (presumably to build up his innate ability to phase through solid objects Kitty Pryde style), Hornswoggle RAN INTO THE TUNNEL. Seemingly. Actually, thanks to some "clever" camera work, we never actually saw the Lilliputian turn into a Looney Tune and miss that left turn at Albuquerque, but Carlito certainly seemed convinced. Enough so that he took a few bites of his apple, backed up, and ran straight into the wall. See, because it's a wall. And he's made of flesh and bone. HAW HAW HAW. This ruined my night.

RAW needs to decide who its audience is. If it wants to be a kid's show and do this nonsense all the time, fine. I'll just stop watching. No problem. I have WWE 24/7 now. I don't really need the current product. If it wants to cater to adults by telling logical stories built up over time in the interest of making new stars, that's fine too. But trying to do both just isn't working right now. RAW cannot be all things to all people. The audience they have right now knows what they want to see, and they're voting with their remotes every time Hornswoggle is on their screens.

If that was too subtle, it means viewers hate him and ratings go down whenever he has a segment.

Now, for a dose of completely unrelated goodness...


Nothing I can say about this picture will improve it. It's impossible.