Smackin'... it... down

Chavo Classic was fired so this show sucks. I'm drinking myself thin this week with the Bud Light. I can't drink enough to bring myself to get excited about this show. maybe if i don't use upper case letters it will shake me into loving this smackdown again.

what worked

Eddy showing up on my screen deserves upper case. I can now dunk my Krispy Kremes into my Bud Light. I HAVE DEFILED THE PRISTINE VIRGINAL KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS BY COATING IT IN THE SPRAY OF THE SWILL REDNECK BOOZE BOUGHT AT ALBERTSON'S GROCERY. THIS IS A SACRIFICE I MAKE TO THE WRESTLING GODS TO MAKE ME NOT HATE WWE ANYMORE!!!! Meanwhile, Doug Basham wrestles Eddy and there is a lot of ref bumps and Eddy works a sleeper and it garners actual heat. Eddy does the beautiful double head scissors andf LOVE MACHINE SPALSH for the quick pin. Then Eddy whaps Danny in the nutsack! MARBLE HOLDER!

cena makes fun of the handicapped but gives angle a hat, so it's okay.

funaki is so the new humpty hump telling a lonely and sensitive josh that he got served. brock is gone and now josh must suffer this. i want to hold him in my arms and tell him that its going to be okay. angle dug "dowhutchalike" but the "humpty dance" and "nose job" made him make sure that there could never be a japanese shock gee. thus he unleashes... INSPECTOR IMPACT!

oh kenzo suzuki is so fucking bad. this works because it is so hilarious listening to tazz and cole try to fool the world into believing that they aren't actually watching animated feces try to do an armbar. the geisha is worthy of the loads all the 35 year old virgins toasted onto their evangelion figurines. poor spike dudley sells the shitty brutus beefcake-level kick to the back. suzuki is sooooo the imported kurrgan. he is soooo Giant Gonzales without the cool get up. he is sooooo not as shitty as kevin nash though.

chavo classic's last match in the wwe is a somber moment. chavo classic with the awesome takedown. chavo with the fuckin moonsault! then chavo classic rudos the offense and the era ends.

EMBARRASSING NOSEHAIR!??! GONE LIKE THAT! YESSSSSSSSSSSS the return of the sweet sweet Micro Touch. I will shave it all off and show the world my hard body. where have you been, sweet sweet Micro Touch Precision Grooming Commercial? i've missed you so....

what didn't work

the tag match was the most offhand title switch in the morbid shitty history of crapshitfuckshitastic shitty us tv wrestling. nice armdrags by haas. d-von needs to learn how to punch. haas and miss jackie both take fabulous bumps. the rest was the shittiest, most hackneyed finish and makes for a completely useless title switch. I shall get another beer and wait for more wrestling, with perhaps some semblance of worthwhile something will dilute the loss of chavo....

paul heyman is going to kill paul bearer and this is the stupidest batch of shit in the history of retarded embarrassing shit put on telelvision. itself. now if they were filling up the casket with big show's post raw carp fecal spray, that would be the business. that would be the money match.

so for the runaways who don't have the self-esteem to do triple anal on hardeesplumperupskirtnightshift.com, they can finally settle for the wwe diva pageant. winner gets to kiss mister mcmahon's ass!

Adam called while jbl spun his jew-hatred/msnbc firing into an angle so i missed most of it. i heard the "mother teresa is a prostitute" so it was almost worth it.

mordecai is still dressed in jeff jarrett hand-me-downs and has the dyed eyebrows that say "wonder twins villain." be a fucking true psycho religious freak and speak in tongues and handle snakes. fuck, 90 year old charismatic baptists handle snakes, you fucking pussy.

inspector impact wrestles funaki. he kicks well. funaki flounders to offense before returning to his squashinization. well that sucked. luther gets on the stick. and i did not forget the existence of the oratory skills of jimmy snuka. luther then hits an angels wings and cole is into the squash!

fuck! i get micro touch back but i also get the crazy world anti-smoking ads that make me want to mash a whole marlboro hardpack through my actual chest and apply the cigarrettes directly to my naked lungs.

torie wilson stretches Old Glory with her leathery stripper skin and makes the continginous 48 pretty gamey.

poor josh sleepwalks through his interview with booker t. there is renee talking about the recieving end of his french tickler. booker t reels his line off like that time jeff gordon was on saturday night live. comedy timing is not booker's strong suit.

jesus, this show doesn't end. END! ENNNNND!

the fatal fourway is perfectly fine. rvd is on a hot streak. it's official. he hasn't made me truly wince in four weeks. renee and cena are good in the ring together. rvd with the baseball slide and FINALLY... we get to think about lucas's pretty hair... mmmmmmm prell with henna conditioner? i envision an arty boheniam apartment for him... a cast iron sink with seperate hot and cold water taps... his wet hair flies up over his head and moistens his wiry shoulders... strands of hair go across his eyes but his piercing gaze shine through, cruel and manly... this is a very long commercial break. ah! here we go. rvd becomes a recipient of a beating and tazz becomes sprung as renee dances. it falls apart after that point and then the undertaker shows up and well, welcome to suck. god, does this wrestling company deliver some shitty television. peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyu.

there you have it.

Show's over, and I get my capitalization back. THANK GOD. I have noticed a direct correlation between the weeks that I hate Smackdown and the amount of comments I get, so maybe it's good for readership to stay negative and talk about Lucas's hair during breaks. Whatevs!