Oh, he IS saying, "I'M SPICY!" a lot now. You know, from that Burger King commercial. It's 2 CUTE 2 B B-LIEVED. Seriously, it's adorable. So, I'm having a blast with the wee nephew, but I thought I'd get back to a regular feature of the blog.
Since I actually watched and rather enjoyed the Smackdown this morning, I went ahead and wrote some live notes.
WHAT WORKED-
Eddy and Danny Basham have a wrestling match. I was going to comment on how lethargic Danny is but he whips out the CRAVATE and I mark out like a fricking 9 year old. They edit his punches. Danny sells the triple suplex like Shawn Michaels landing on a coffin and we go straight to the fabulous cheating to win.
CHAVO CLASSIC DEFENDS THE BELT! The robe is FUCKING FLY - soo evil Lex Luger in the NWA. CHAVO CLASSIC wears the belt to the ring because he is old school as an absolute motherfucker. CHAVO CLASSIC punks Funaki like he's come across Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo making out behind a dumpster. CHAVO CLASSIC bumps to the floor like a man his age has no business doing. CHAVO CLASSIC. POINTS. TO. HIS. DICK. OH MY GOD. Chavito cheats to get CHAVO CLASSIC to win. Some bitches pour over the railing to swarm on CHAVO CLASSICS junk. As it should be.
CHAVO CLASSIC: PUTTIN' HIS STANK ON WHYTE GIRLS SINCE BACK IN THE DAY
Renee Dupree has fans and it sucks. The WANG cannot suck up to the masses. The masses must suck up to the WANG! Seriously, his package is disturbing. Rey Rey comes out and we get to see what he can do with the Faux Francais stiff. Rey Rey does lots of Mini offense - which is disturbing. Not as disturbing as Renee's package, but still. Renee Dupree's punches are fucking HORRENDOUSLY shitty. He does sell the hamstring well, I guess. Rey Rey's punches look like Matt Hardy's in comparison. Dupree is pretty good not fucking up selling Rey Rey's offense. Dupree gets the deserved face pop for fucking up the ludicrous 619 setup. TAZZ is SPRUNG when Renee dances. Rey Rey steals a win and I wonder if Renee is destined to be this years A-Train. No, that can't be it. A-Train could actually work.
JBL has some stipulations. He SHOULD be GREAT demanding respect from the Canadian rubes in attendence. He doesn't fucking insult them enough. WHAT THE FUCK? He can kick Mexicans in the ass but Canadians are off limits? WHAT IN THE FUCK? THEY'RE CANADIANS! YOU'RE A FUCKING TEXAN! THIS SHOW SUCKS!
MMAtaker versus Booker T should be good. If MT goes all old school, it works to the strength of Booker T. MT with the perfectly fine elbow drop. Booker T cuts off MT's signature spots and MT hits a nice legdrop and goes all shoot-styletaker with the work on the arm. Yeah, this match is good. MMAtaker bumps to the floor as we go to commercial. I'm thinking about Lucas's pretty hair. Join me, won't you? Sweet missile dropkick. MMAtaker sells out of the sleeper and this is worked pretty smartly. Booker T cuts off MT's comebacks and finally succumbs to a MT suplex. They go completely Memphis by Punching To Transition. YAY! Booker T fights out of the Last Ride. Booker T succumbs to the Choke Slam. Aaaaaaand the shitty ending. The End.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK-
FUCK A BOWFLEX! I GOT MOTHERFUCKING MILLER LIGHT! The fat is dripping offa me. That's right, ya gonna want me ta soooothe ya, mama... oh yeah...
A bikini contest. Oh Jesus. Jamie Noble is supposed to be a redneck but looks like a real University of Syracuse UltraGuido in that tux. By the time Miss Jackie comes out, 46 year old virgins have already toasted pungent, chalky loads over their mint condition 1979 Comic Journal Year End Specials onto their Sinestro Hero-Click Figures. HAW! Dawn Marie is Vampirella-esque enough to completely smoke the rest of the collective bleached leathery and swollen WWE Whorulon. My nephew is here so we FAST FORWARD.
Mordecai comes out and GOD is that outfit Froooty. I would like to thank him for praying for my sins. That hour spent on pigglywigglyproducedeptupskirt.com needs more than what I can muster on my own in terms of atonement. I think he is praying to Odin. Maybe Crom. I should start praying to Crom. He's not Southern enough to pull off this gimmick.
Do you have what it takes to be the NEXT SECTION OF THE WWE WHORULON?!?!? Let's check in at WHORULON TECHNOLOGIES where Professor Whorulon and his freakishly deformed assistant Sneedly prepare for the Diva contest...
Proffessor Whorulon: Sneedly, do we have the saline?
SNEEDLY: Yes, master. We also have the silicon.
PW: Excellent. We'll use both. Mad Vince wants to make sure the titties look as inhumanly bloated as possible.
S: Yes master. It is as if Mad Vince was nursed by Letha Weapons as a little infant.
PW: Yes, Sneedly. He truly is a repulsive twisted fruit.
S: Yessss. He truly is a gut-churningly misogynist cock-sucker, master.
So nobody watched the TNA show that showed that Kenzo Suzuki completely sucks dick? He's gonna make you miss the sublime ring generalship of Nathan Jones. Really.
Click it or Ticket? Fuck that shit. This is fuckin' AMERICA. If I want to go face first through my windshield, that's my motherfucking RIGHT. This ain't Communist Russia. Yet.
Kids. SMOKE. Just to piss off the anti-smoking commercial jack-offs.
There you have it. And since I'm being harrangued by the Tower of Toddling Power to pick him some cherries (the tree is bearing wonderfully ripe fruit!), I'm OUTTA here.
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