Well it's an update! SODA REVIEW!

I just had the new LIMITED EDITION OH MY GOD GET IT WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!!!!!!!!! Mountain Dew Pitch Black. It would never have occured to me that mixing Mountain Dew with grape soda might be good, but god damn, it sure is. Much better than the Baja Blast Mountain Dew swill at Taco Bell right now. But the Pitch Black is good. Much better than Livewire, not quite as godly as Code Red. Having said that, it's pretty much grape soda for white kids. It's like someone said "Lets take the great taste of grade soda, remove any edge it had, and then add in a shit load of caffeine for all the computer nerds out there." Which is fine, don't get me wrong.

So my question to the Blog Nation is, does anyone know of any nationally-marketed soda that is still made exclusively with sugar, rather than corn syrup? Jolt Colt was, to the best of my knowledge, the last one to make the jump to sickening syrup around 1992 or so.

YOUR Smackdown Workrate Report!

EDIT: I'm sad that I missed the Last Day plus two party, but I was dead on my feet with dizziness all day long at work today and promptly passed out as soon as I hit the bus seat. Probably better for all involved that I didn't make my presence known, as the Raven Effect was in full force today. I don't know why, really. It's just been reccuring a lot lately.

I was gonna post this last night after Kehn left, but ended up hanging out with Abe, so I rewatched what I didn't see the first time around on tape this morning before work.

Enough creepy fantasy booking. On with the creepy analysis of Professional Wrestling. Let me change into some sweatpants. VISUALIZE IT~! Okay, actually I didn't change into sweatpants because Kehn came over and we watched the show together. After he gave me a personalized KEN MOTHERFUCKING FOREE AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE! Kehn is totally my Chinese Architecturally Inclined Jesus.

WHAT WORKED

AWESOME! I missed the Angle/Eddy Anti-Indie hug last week! I love that shit. Eddy comes out. Tazz does the odd Canadian pronunciation of "radiator" (RADiator as opposed to RAYdiator.) Eddy is pissed about his car and who gives a shit what he's pissed about as long as it continues the feud. Angle comes out. Oh, Luther comes out instead. I am less excited. He knows about fighting. Angle shows up on the big screen and wants to take it to the parking lot. Peanut Head comes out! IT WAS HIS CAR - NOT ANGLE'S!

Kenzo loves America and so does Tazz. He needs the Red White and Blue robe and a 2 by 4. RVD kicks all the guys carrying Kenzo around - disrespecting the working man - four poor saps trying to make some extra scratch doing a thankless job and what does High Times Posterboy do? You disgust me, Rob Van Dam. Kenzo is in populist rage and starts beating the shit out of the fannypants from Battle Creek. STRETCH HIM! STRETCH WEEDBOY IN THE NAME OF THE WORKING MAN! Kenzo sells RVD's amazingly shitty kick to the face. RVD hits even more ludicrous offense and luckily Kenzo doesn't expose the biz even more by actually being pinned by any of it. Rene Dupree comes to ringside and RVD rolls up Kenzo for the pin and then Renee and Kenzo get waaaay over with me by beating the shit out of RVD. Kenzo needs to gain 100 pounds to pack under a "Burn This Flag, Motherfucker" t-shirt. He needs a Jack Daniels Field Tester cap and he needs to start saying "Git er done" way too much. His lady needs to start wearing XXL Minnie Mouse t-shirts and lime tights. Oh yeah. That would rule. God Bless America.

Teddy is consoled that the top isn't too bad. They really don't make them like the Lincoln Towncar anymore. I feel your pain, my Peanut Head. My brother had a BEAUTIFUL Crown Victoria a while back. He parked her on the street and a mentally handicapped driver crushed it like a bug while trying to balance a bowl of macaroni and cheese on the dashboard of his K Car. I could not make that up. Roger gave him a towel and called the paramedics for him. I remember him explaining the situation to me and me saying, "You're lying. You're a fucking liar." Poor fella. Orlando is so great subtly busting on Fresno. Orlando versus Hoss Gracie is a match I will dig. Later, Angle comes back and doesn't understand the greatness of the Towncar. Death of a Towncar is perfectly great if it sets up Eddy versus Angle 2 out of 3. AND Angle versus Rey Rey! WOO-HOO! CRUSH MORE CARS! Stupid booking that leads to these kind of matches is GREAT booking. If they sacrifice a 1971 white convertible El Dorado, maybe Benoit will come back to Smackdown.

Kidman and Chavo wrestle. Noble is GREAT at ringside. Chavo works the arm and shoulder. Kidman's first comeback was pretty great as he sells the arm the whole time and it adds to the story when Chavo DDT's his shoulder to cut him off. London is even greater killing Noble and setting up the pin for Kidman. London is the funnest. Kidman still has the sloppiest Shooting Star Press on earth.

Evil Carlito Colon! HERE COMES THE BLADE! Where is a Nise Hercules Ayala Jr? Will WWE audiences know that to make him feel at home, they need to throw dirty diapers at him? I await the first WWE White Truck On The Infield Match. It's too bad Brock Lesnar is playing football because he would conjure enough blood to coat the white truck like it's August at Roberto Clemente Stadium. Wow. Sorry. Too many lucha jokes. My bad.

Ah, sweet MicroTouch. I missed you last week. I'm glad you still keep my neck barber shop perfect. I saw the BikiniTouch commercial last week and if that much close-up of cooter wasn't worth draining the yogurt over, I have no idea what is. Word on the street is the grooming kit is the EVIL ADD-ON that they actually make money on. For SHAME, beloved MicroTouch.

Poor Monkey Lad. He IS a fucking nouvelle Spike Dudley making Mike Awesome '04 look like less of a choad. Fuckin' Heidenreich.

Angle and Rey Rey. Jorge Piaz gets weirder looking every time he shows up. He'll be wearing a miniskirt and Polly Pocket nipple clamps next time I see him, I'm guessing. Angle works the headlock and Rey morphs it into an armdrag. Angle takes it to the mat and Rey works out of the Front Facelock and does a cool suplex reversal. Rey with the headlock and Tazz and Cole get over the psychology really well. Angle crushes Rey's head in the corner. Angle bumps medium to the floor to set up Rey Rey's dropkick through the ropes and we go to a commercial. Kehn and I flip around to no avail. Angle worked the neck when we get back. Angle whips out a sweeeet Belly to Belly. Rey fights out of bearhug and eats a GINORMOUS Belly To Back. Rey Rey counters an Angle Slam into an Armdrag to set up an Arabian Moonsault. Angle rudos the Flying Headscissors like... shit, I blew all of my lucha material up above. Angle fights out of the 619 and finally succumbs. Angle kicks out and then powerbombs to transition. Rey Rey hits a FUCKING BEAUTIFUL Reverse DDT and Angle kicks out. They fight in and out of the corner and Angle gets the flash pin. The thing about this match is that it has pretty much the same psychology as the stinky Booker T - Cena match, but you get actual returns on this because Rey's offense is so fucking awesome - especially tonight. Angle's is less awesome, but the way Rey makes Angle's powermoves look fucking life-threatening adds to the reasons why it works here and loses so miserably in the other match. THAT was fun.

Orlando and JBL do a LORD OF THE RINGS thing with the belt and now I figure Orlando is doing JC Watts channeling Alan Keyes channeling Smeagol. Thus he is suddenly the best thing on Smackdown - characterwise. Orlando is awesome being SEDUCED by the power of the belt! Hoss comes out and JBL is HIlarious looking like he needs to hop on the terlit. Hoss's forehead is nine feet tall. He works Orlando over in the corner and Orlando elbows out and he puts together some nice armdrags. They differ from their last match as last time Hoss Gracie cut Orlando off every time they hit the ropes. Orlando leans into a lariat and JBL interferes to get Orlando back on offense. Orlando with the SWEET Powerdriver and legdrop for two. HG punches to come back but Orlando cuts him off in the corner. JBL is great at ring side setting up Orlando's dropkick through the ropes. Orlando works over Gracie and Hoss cuts him off with an STO. Hoss with a Chokeslam and a Dynamite Kid Piledriver. Shitty finish but it was neat that this match was psychologically 180 degrees from their first match. Postmatch, Hoss beats the hell out of JBL.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

Okay, I have to say... watching this with Kehn and then rewatching it by myself is a VETY different experience. A best of 5 is going to get compared to the Best of 7 versus Benoit. I like Cena. He sure as hell isn't Chris Motherfucking Benoit. Booker T works him over early and it's good. They quickly start fucking up fundamental things. Booker T hits some fanciful offense and they work a chinlock spot. Cena makes a comeback and they fuck up running the ropes. This match isn't so good. Booker T hits a giant Missile Dropkick and Cena kicks out? They go back to the chinlock to set Cena's comeback. Booker T looks good cuting Cena off with a scissor cresecent savate spinning heel kick for two. They then go into a lowgrade nearfall fest. After the Spinebuster, we are getting into the Ring of Honor cruiserweight endless finisher section. No real selling - just hope spot, finisher to cut him off and kick out. This might work at some level if both of these guy's offense didn't suck so much dick. Ending was horribly executed. Ungood. BAH!

Ah, 14 new skanks with eating disorders without one decent ass between them. True wrestling fans know that their anacondas don't want none unless they got buns, hon. Actually, true wrestling fans will jack off to anything. That's what makes us great. Look out, Andrew. It's a new season of TOP MODEL!

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

PWND!

That Ring of Honor

Ring of Honor is back in Dayton on October 15th. Aside from the regular crew, Ricky Steamboat and Mick Foley have both been announced as scheduled to make appearances. I'm going for sure, but is there any interest from any of the rest of yas?



Only one cuisine can sate Samoa Joe's hunger: FIGHTING SPIRIT

Paragons of Family Entertainment

In honor of August 23rd, I give you, my loyal blog readers, THIS:

We are two straight boys!

I know. What could you possibly have done to deserve something that awesome, other than clicking on the site? Absolutely nothing. I'm just in an extra generous mood today.

Slater was the bitch, though. I just know it. He talked tough, what with his wrestling and his football and his ridiculous hair, but I can't imagine Zack going bottom for that musclehead.

The Hypothesized Smackdown Workrate Report!

So, I didn't watch Smackdown this week. BUT... I decided to write up how I predicted it would turn out via the spoilerless results given to me by the magic of the Internet. Let's see how this goes

WHAT WORKED

Scotty 2 Hotty gets on the mic to introduce himself to the crowd - none of whom can pick him out of line-up yet - and they go over last weeks comical set-up of this match. Spike Dudley comes out with a picture of Dick Cheney tattooed across his chest and the words, "We'll take all that oil now, you Canadian Moosemounting socialists" written underneath. Scotty hits five dropkicks and Spike sells them by flying shoulderfirst into the announcers' table. Tazz says, "GOOD GOD, COLE! I THINK THAT LAST T-BONE SUPLEX JUST KILLED SPiKE!" The Dudley Boys comes out and 3-D Scotty directly up a moose's ass. Spike pins the moose after hitting an Acid Drop and retains. The crowd fills the ring with chairs just like that Terry Funk match from ECW. Except everyone in the ring gets paid afterwards.

Chavo Guerrero and Jamie Knoble team together because they are the most heatless wrestlers in the WWE after their pushes were so completely botched/ruined. Chavo tries to raise some heel heat by getting on the STICK~! and talking about how he can't tell the difference between Triumph and Chiliwack when listening to the radio on the way to the arena. Kidman/Paul London have the belts and are highfiving the crowd as they get to the ring. Kidman and Noble lock up and trade armdrags for four minutes until A MASKED FIGURE COMES OUT OF THE CROWD AND ENTERS THE RING! The figure grabs Paul London and looks to be choking him out as the other three helplessly attempt to stop the six foot tall behemoth! Chavo grabs his mask and pulls it off and they all three fall back STUNNED! He's not choking him - it was the TONGAN DEATHGRIP! MENG STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING - his hair... GIGANTIC. His Pants... GOLDEN AND GIGANTIC. He gets on the stick and says "I AM THE MONSTER MENG" in Spanish and THEN shouts "I AM KING HAIKU!" in Japanese. And then shouts "I AM NOT A SHARK!" in English. He then stacks all four cruiserweights up and pins them all with one foot on the chest of Kidman. He walks out of the ring with the tag titles and is also awarded the Cruiserweight title - onto which he immediately pees and sets on fire. This works because Meng is wearing those pants.

D-Von Dudley and John Cena have a wrestling match where they switch camera angles every half second since both have such shitty punches. WWE has the finest production in all of Northeastern US bigtime wrestling. So that has to work.

Teddy Long comes out and says "dollah dollah bill!" First he announces the return of the Immortal Sensei Sonny Ono who comes out wearing a solid gold karate outfit. Sonny gets on the stick and says, "I want all you fat, smelly, poutine-eating Canadian redneck motherfuckers to get the hell out of the way so your poor, long-suffering wives and girlfriends so they can FINALLY get a look at a REAL MAN. Set your nipples in the upright position because HERE HE COMES, ladies - BOBBY HARDWORK WALKER!" Walker also has a golden Karate outfit but Ono ceremonially pulls it off of him by the velcroed seams. Walker has on a banana hammock with a picture of Linda McMahon over his Big Business. They cut back to Linda at the monitor and she is upset at first. Then she is overcome by curiosity as they fade out.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

JBL and Orlando Jordan come out with Paul Harvey and give everyone a Paul Harvey Salute and they laugh and talk about how shaking hands with Hamiltonians is like shaking hands with a triple stack of french waffles. Orlando scores a mountain of cheap heat by saying that if nationalized healthcare means still french kissing the Queen of England's decrepit old ass 400 years after landing in Mooseville, he'd take his chances with his HMO. Paul Harvey causes a near riot by telling a ten minute story that ends with "... and that little girl who grew up to be the first woman in the CFL was... Rocky DiPietro. Now you know THE REST OF THE STORY." JBL talks at length about his plan to move the Montreal Canadiennes to Birmingham, Alabama when the Undertaker's music starts playing. HOSS GRACIE (thanks, Lee) shows up and tombstones Paul Harvey as the JBL and Orlando clear the ring. HOSS yells into the face of the unconscious and bleeding hardway Harvey - "THE CANADIENS ARE MOVING TO SAN ANTONIO, YOU ODD PRONOUNCING FREAK! REST. IN. PEACE." Chairs fly into the ring like that Terry Funk match from ECW. Except everybody in the ring gets paid afterwards. This didn't work because everybody knows the Canadiens are moving to Northern Virginia after being bought by Disney and being renamed the Loudon County World Of Pooh.

Spike tells the other Dudleys- who are setting a poster of Guy LeFleur on fire - how happy he is to be evil. They all laugh and laugh and dine on a litter of kittens. John Cena comes out and saves the kittens and says, "Yo yo yo! Them kittens were given to me by my skeezah flygirl bizzznitches from the Hamilton Ontario Girl Scouts!" Cena quickly grabs three male kittens and points their tails at each Dudley, blinding them with kitty musk spray. "DUD-LEYS done run out of GAS - deze pussies done sprayed yo..." and the crowd shouts "ASS!" This doesn't work because I don't think Canada has girl scouts.

Renee Dupree gets on the stick and calls RVD a semen-guzzling America fannypants homosexual. They cut back to RVD in the back unphased by the monitor. Dupree says - in an accent that comes and goes - that RVD's ponytail comes in handy as a handle when RVD is blowing everybody in the back. They switch back to RVD in the back and he good naturedly smiles like he's been found out. Dupree goes in for the kill - he then announces that he has joined the conservative party and will do what he can to RE-criminalize marijuana in Canada. They cut back to an enraged RVD who has smashed the monitor on the concrete and storms the ring. RVD chokeslams the ref to the floor and legit starts muy thai kicking Dupree in the face - causing a 9 inch gash across Dupree's forhead. Dupree is overheard shouting "WHAT THE FUCK, ROB!?! It's a FUCKING WORK! STOP IT MOTHERFUCKER!" The entire back comes out and breaks kayfabe by swarming on the enraged RVD until the house PA can start playing a tape of Phish live in Philly 4/23/2002. RVD is soothed by a 27 minute guitar solo and bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. This doesn't work because they break kayfabe on national tv.

Eddy Guerrero wrestles Kurt Angle. GODDAMMIT.

Kurt Angle, Eddy Guerrero and fucking Rey Misterio Jr are in a wrestling match. GODDAMMIT...

Those last two didn't work because I didn't actually get to see them. GODDAMMIT.

THERE YOU HAVE IT

Everlasting Love

Something that I think is significant crossed my mind tonight. I will always love Steve Austin. I don't care how many of his girlfriends he beats up, I don't care how much of an alcoholic he is, and frankly, I don't care that he walked out on WWE twice without notice. The bottom line (no pun intended) is, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin provided me with an immense amount of entertainment during the late '90s and early oughts.

Every one in a while, his name will come up in the rasslin' news and he's done something else weird and/or stupid. But I remember the man he was, the man he is capable of being. An awesome wrestler, an even more awesome brawler, who wasn't afraid to put other guys over, because he understands that wrestling is a BUSINESS.

Now, what does this have to do with anything? I'm not entirely certain. All I know is, love is a really strange thing, and sometimes, it seems like it should burn out. Like it should just fizzle and die. But then, it doesn't. It remains. It survives. It makes your knees weak and your heart ache.

I love Steve Austin for what he was, not what he is. Because I don't really know what he is anymore. He could be the same guy for all I know, but I don't really have the means to find out. And despite that, I still love him as much as I did the night of "Beeper 3:16" in December of 1997. Just... a brilliant, brilliant artist. The interviews, the ring work, the crowd control... I love him. One of the greatest ever.

Again, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? (Jimmy Eat World just came on, and I'm fucking pumped. "Just try your best, try everything you can". Awesome) I'm kind of drunk from the (non) Caribbean party at Franz's, and I'm just free associating. Which is FINE. But love is the tie in. Love is everything. And it just absolutely refuses to get any easier.

Short Form Shiz

Andrew covers it much better right about...
meah, but suffice it to say that Scribble Jam was great, possibly even better than last year's event.
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Good luck to Lucas and Lee, who are Gen Con bound tomorrow and ready to kick some pasty white nerd ass.
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FINALLY, "Baadasssss!" has opened in Columbus. I was beginning to worry that it'd be a Shaolin Soccer situation, where the DVD hit stores well before the theatrical release. Thankfully, the Van Peebles opus beat out home video in Columbus by two weeks.
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Details on "Land of the Dead" aren't trickling out nearly as quickly as I'd like, but the first major cast member was announced recently. Are you ready for this?


NO! You're not!

That's right. Mr. "I was outwitted by Keanu fucking Reeves" himself is on board to be zombie chow. I don't know quite how to take that, as I think I would have rather had a cast of complete unknowns. I'm not anti-star or anything, but when I'm trying to focus on the zombies (and I will be), having "name" actors on board might be a little distracting. We can all appreciate that picture for now, though.
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Speaking of pictures, this is where I would have inserted one of White Mike if I could have found one. I never miss an opportunity to chide Andrew. He's right, though. White Mike was a stone cold sucka.
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And I'll take you out today with some extreme fucked-uppedness.

600-Pound Woman Dies After Being Surgically Removed From Couch

POSTED: 3:48 PM EDT August 11, 2004
UPDATED: 8:13 PM EDT August 11, 2004

STUART, Fla. -- A dramatic rescue ended tragically in Stuart, Florida, a rescue so difficult firefighters say they have never seen anything like it.

It happened late Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning at the home of a 600-pound woman who was having trouble breathing. Rescuers went in not knowing how difficult it would be to get her out. 40-year-old Gail Grinds was literally stuck to her couch and had to be removed surgically at the hospital.

Authorities estimate she had been on the couch anywhere from two to five years.

Martin County Fire amd Rescue crews faced what seemed to be an impossible mission. Everyone going inside had to wear protective gear. The stench was so powerful they had to blast in fresh air.

They tried to cut out the front door, but at four-and-a-half feet wide, it wouldn't work. They had to cut plywood since a normal stretcher wouldn't do.

An ambulance was too small, so they brought in a trailer to get her out. While rescue crews came up with a back-door rescue plan, detectives secured what had become a crime scene, questioning family members about how it got so bad.

Using planks, they loaded the woman on to the trailer, still attached to the couch. Removing her would be too painful, since her body is grafted to the fabric. After years of staying put, her skin has literally become one with the sofa and it must be surgically removed.

Detectives are investigating whether they have a case of neglect, or if it is simply a very sad story.

Grinds was taken to the Martin Memorial hospital where doctors removed her from the couch, but she died in spite of all the attempts to save her life.

Yeah... I...uh...err...ummm...guh...flurm...

Livin' on the air in Cincinnati

So, with a fat paycheck (HA!) and giddy spirit, I accompany Andrew to our second annual Scribble Jam weekend in the Queen City. This year, Davekwon will be helping us kick out the jams on Saturday at least. Being Scribble Jam veterans, Andrew and I will be sure to put him through his paces and visit harrowing hazing rituals upon him, like making him listen to his own mix tapes and such. Haw! I kid the Dave. Anyway, I'll be back on Sunday afternoon, and then onward to Adam's for the "WWE's version of the Summer Games" SUMMERSLAM! Should be a good weekend, all things considered. Be sure to relive (or experience for the first time) the goodness that was Smackdown through my report one post below. I go nuclear on ads this time out.

The Mighty, the Beloved... Smackdown Report

This edition of NapDaddy's Workrate Report is made possible by the good folks at Stella Artois. Stella Artois: making Beligum worthwhile since 1366. DASSUM GOOD BEER.

WHAT WORKED-

JBL comes out. Virgil 2004 follows him out. They opt for a flashback. They both use hand sanitizier and Paul Harvey IS VINDICATED! VINDICATED!! THE REST OF THE STORY IS THAT PAUL HARVEY IS VINDICATED! Vindicated. Yes, finally. The Harvey Handshake is ONE step away from a national forum... JBL has a plan. He must bust on the cars in Detroit and HE IS A SEXY SLEEK MACHINE BUILT TO LAST! Orlando is maybe going for an Evil JC Watts vibe? Orlando is a great American. Orlando is JBL's new Chief Of Staff. AH! He is the new Evil John Edwards! Orlando's One America is more about being beaten to death by JBL's next challenger. His time is now! OOP! Orlando gets the Undertaker and it all becomes clear.

Hey, Paul London takes on Spike Dudley! This should be good. OOP! The Dudleys show up to heat this baby up at ringside. London takes the dropkick through the ropes while trying to skin the cat. Bubba is like Lyger at ringside in the NOAH/NJ Jr matches- in that he is TWICE as important at ringside than anything in the ring- heatwise. London is all about the improbable but lovely looking offense and Spike takes the Double Axe-Handle Off The Top Gone Awry LIKE A MAN. Spike with the crappy roll-up after Bubba pulls Spike out of the way. Postmatch, the beatings with belts is fun. Needed tables.

Scotty2Hotty does the HIGHlarious Bob Odenkirk character from Mr Show. "He useta be nice but he's changed." TEDDY LONG IS HELPING TOMORROWS CHILDREN! TEDDY IS ABOUT OPPORTUNITY! Hey, Rush doing "Summertime Blues". Not as cool as the Midtown doing "Susanne", but what could possibly be?

Torrie Wilson makes her fake titties NOT jiggle as she jumps up and down on a springboard, but all is forgotten as she loses her top- MEANWHILE 43 year old virgins toast frothing, acidic, yellowish loads over their Rob Leifield-autographed cgi-slabbed Youngblood #1 into their Cutey Honey collector's sweatsocks. We will always have this joke. I love you, dear reader, and you love me. Spoon with me in cyberspace as we lauf and lauf and lauf with the laufter of lovers.

- Orlando versus MMATAKER! I await a midget. Or Brian Lee. OOP! It's the MMAtaker and I'm excited. Orlando is supposedly good according to Cody so he should have a good match with the MMA stylings of MMAtaker. MT powers out of a lock-up early and works a headlock and cuts Jordan off with a shoulderblock. MT works the shoulder. Jordan goes on offense after backing MT into the corner. MT reverses it and cuts him off with his punches in the corner. Orlando goes back on offense and sells the beating. MT punches to transition. Orlando gets chokeslammed and JBL allows him to get to the floor to recover. MT goes back to the arm. SWEET head and arm takedown by MT and Jordan kicks out and low blows to offense. Jordan works him over in the corner. This is called telling a story, kids. It's the basis of good wrestling. Jordan punches MT in the head and eats an elbow as MT cuts him off finally. MT bumps weird into the steps and this is like a real wrestling match. FUCKING MUTA POWER DRIVE ELBOW by Jordan and I am loving this. They trade punches and MT wins again off the ropes. Nice corner Lariat by MT and they make it all screwy with the JBL Lariat. This was fucking beautiful. MT is so fucking Old School.

Teddy Long is fly in his Brian Ferry double breasted suit. I await him to break out a Rick James Commemorative version of "Virginia Plain". En LIEU, he announces the greatest match of the WWE year. Eddy and Angle FACE-OFF! JUST LIKE IN PRO WRESTLING ILLUSTRATED! Swweeet Lowrider. What is that? A Falcon? Dodge Dart? Whatever it is, thank God he's not coming out in those stupid trucks anymore. They stare at each other a while. Eddy gets on the stick and brings the HEAT~! Eddy is fucking GREAT on the stick. Angle gets Eddy on a technicality. Eddy is fabulous in response. These guys are this generations Flair and Steamboat in depth of ability and in depth of contrasts of image. Teddy Long comes out and gets them to shake hands. This match will motherfucking RULE.

Ah, sweet MicroTouch. It's sleek design is PLEASING to the touch.

A Summergames Relay Match. Okay, sure. Cena has an Isiah Thomas throwback and I wonder why he didn't go for the far cooler Billy Sims throwback. Cena notes that RVD smokes all the weed on earth. Team Booker T shows up. RVD and Booker T start off with comically unlikely offenses. RVD sells the top wristlock like he is stretching before the match. Booker with the knife edge chops and RVD with a comical kick to go on offense. RVD makes with super fruity embellishemnts and why doesn't he bring a ball or streamers for his rhythmic... GODDAMIT! They set up the five minute relay thing really well and Luther Reigns shows up. We go to a commercial and we all go into a dream state. We think about Lucas's beautiful manly hair... no, I'm not allowed to talk about that any more. Sorry there, Lucas. We return to RVD needing just 53 seconds to survive the Reignssault. Haas comes in and starts working on Reigns knee. Haas with the Calf Branding and the ankle lock and I dig it. Haas stays on the knee. Reigns chokes to TRANSITION~!? Nice Butterfly Suplex and Reigns sells the knee as Haas Fireman's Carrys to offense. Nice Belly to Back by Rains. We go to a commercial. As we come back, it's a nice suplex by Haas as he tries to hold out. THE WANG DUPREE is in with the STF and Haas holds out. This match is great considering they've fucked any kind of psychology with commercials. Of course, RVD and Luther Reigns killing three minutes is probably helped by 3 minutes of Mentos commercials. Cena sells the assbeating of Dupree and his WANG. Dupree sticks his junk directly into Cena's spinal chord and Cena sells it like Bob Backlund in 1983. Dupree with a decent Vertical Suplex. Fabulous Jawjacker by Cena to counter the Chinlock. They run the ropes weirdly and TAZZ (and me) IS SPRUNG as Rene does the French Tickler. Cena with the Fistdrop and they are really using the clock to fun effect. Cena can't hit the F-U and Booker T comes back in. Booker goes for the kill with his shitty offense. Cena kicks out from the kneedrop and Booker goes into a chinlock. Booker bumps big to the floor and Cena gets the FLASHPIN?!?! Faces stand tall postmatch. That was a good little match.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

Chavo Guerrerro Jr shows up. Where has he been? His father and his heat is gone. And it's Nunzio. Yes, Nunzio. Is this Worldwide? Are Hall and Nash going to storm the ring midmatch? They kinda wrestle for a while as I join the crowd looking in the back waiting for the run-in. Chavo with a nice Doc Death gutwrench suplex. Nunzio wins with a reversal of a rollup after reversing a Gory Thing. Well. That was pointless. 3 minute Cruiserweight matches are sooo 1998.

Fuck Bowflex. God, it makes women all hard and gross if the commercial is any indication. Not that I wouldn't hit it. And become very winded when she- her love AFLAME upon viewing the all-natural pec of a REAL MAN unencumbered by years of exercise- crushes my ribs with her jakked up buttocks muscles. Bowflex denies her my quality love as I crawl on the floor, coughing up blood, weeping like a baby...

Come on. Van Halen ended DIRECTLY after the last note of "Hot For Teacher." Anything past that is completely useless. Diamond Dave was right, "Nobody wants to see you play keyboards, people want you to play guitar." Damn skippy, motherfucker.

Oh and FUCK WRANGLER. When they used fucking "Fortunate Son" as a rah rah America song to sell fucking blue jeans, they could then begin to suck the epidermis off my cock. I love America more than anything other than my friends and family, but if you can't listen to "Fortunate Son" and face the shortfalls of your country, then you aren't a true American. Fuck you, Wrangler.

The lack of a true shot of the Big Show jumping off the high dive SUCKS. A shot of Big Show and Rikishi re-enacting the Greek Ideal of Manly Love would be... nevermind.

FUCK SUBWAY! Sell us out to the Germans? Jared can have a carb-enriched mouthful of my All-American Dick. Suck it until your love handles come back, motherfucker.

Trojan ads. Still. Maybe you should just wait until you're married. Or go home and RAVAGE your junk while watching "King Of Queens". That gal's buttocks are SOLID GOLD. Sweet sweet self-love. Sweet meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..................

So, the bottom line? I guess the show was pretty good again. The ads are driving me crazy like mad. Still, no Crazy World this week and that's not a bad thing.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

I'm Horror(ble)

I received my Studio 35 newsletter this morning and the scoop is: 1/4 of the tickets for the Horror Marathon have already been sold, so if any gentle readers here want to go, the time to buy your ticket is NOW. Here's the confirmed movie list so far.

Ringu
The Exorcist
Young Frankenstein
Bloody Mary
Idle Hands
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (not sure which version)

There is "contingent confirmation" (their words not mine) on "Shaun of the Dead", and one of Savini's movies will be shown, though it's not clear yet which one it will be. Anyway, this sounds like a blast as far as the movie list, so I hope that a bunch of us will posse up for it.