Honesty

Heard there was a good party and live music last night. I lied and told Franz I had plans and thus couldn't make it. I watched TV for 11 hours instead. This is my life now. I went to a baseball game with Dave and Andrew last Monday and started hinting to get out of there almost immediately because I was afraid of passing out at the fucking Coop. I'm tired of this. I lay in bed until 4 am most nights because my head won't stop swimming, and I'm nearly incapable of actual sleep until I'm completely physically exhausted. So I lay, and wait, and listen to audio commentaries over and over again. As fascinated as I may be with squibs and gory FX makeup, I can only hear George Romero tell the same story so many times.

It's awful in the morning. Incapacitating, to the point where I'm assured to spend some quality time on my carpet if I dare get out of bed. Afternoons are generally better. I can function, I can get around, even read usually. Nights are bad. As I get more tired, things become dizzier, and anything resembling a social life becomes out of the question.

I feel so insulated from everything lately. The real world, mostly. I see my friends, some of them, but it's like I'm half a person. I went to see the Von Bondies, a band I really like, at the Basement a few months back, and had to get Andrew to take me home before they even went on.

I feel like I've been trying really hard to take all of this in stride, and maybe this is just a really bad day so all of the frustration is bubbling to the surface, but I can't do this anymore.

I'm going to be starting on a new drug this week, so maybe in a few weeks there will be some sign of improvement. I haven't lost all hope or anything like that, but I'm not as optimistic as I was a couple of weeks ago either.

I miss getting out of the house, going to movies, or to concerts, or Hell, even to class.

I talked to a friend on the phone earlier today, and I told her that my world feels very small lately. I think that's actually the best way I can sum this up: my world feels small. I'm sure I'm not alone in that, not by a long shot, and there are people way worse off than me. Still, this is my blog, and I felt like being especially truthful this afternoon.