Time killin'

Just to get it out of the way...



It's one of the girls from the last picture, but it's still different!

Between Jerry Orbach putting himself in the corner and TV night getting cancelled again, things aren't looking up on this particular Wednesday. I got "Garden State" and "Shaun of the Dead" though, so points for me.



Oh, I saw a shirt a couple of weeks ago that I deemed the best thing ever, and I found a picture of some guy wearing one, so yeah.



I'm sorry, but that's hilarious.

I didn't eat a candy cane this year. What's up with that?

Serena Williams is dating Brett Ratner. I don't really care, but it's kind of weird. Maybe he can cast her as She-Hulk. I'd go see that.

I accidentally bought orange juice with pulp today. Fuck that noise. Who made the call to stick a bunch of floating fibery pieces of crap in perfectly good juice? Humanity is worthless. When I drink apple juice I don't want mushed up pieces of core in there, either.

Okay, this blog entry isn't going anywhere. I just had some time to kill. PEACE!

More Samoa Joe?

Well, Ring of Honor had their "Final Battle 2004" show last night to cap off a good year for the company in which I attended two shows personally. Keith matched that number, with Lee, Andrew, Dave, Kehn, and Chris Spinato all clocking in with one show apiece. At yesterday's show, however, tragedy struck. Samoa Joe, Ring of Honor World Champion for 22 months... was defeated. And who defeated him, you may ask? This guy:



THAT GUY. Beat Samoa Joe. Son of a bitch. Look at this chump! His name is Austin Aries, and he's a very okay wrestler, but Samoa Joe is the MACK. I'm sorry. He just is. Word is that Joe may be heading to WWE, though, which would have made the loss a must. I'm not sure if I want him in WWE or not, but it's probably not up to me. Anyway, even though he doesn't have his belt anymore, he's still got the ladies. This is probably what he's doing tonight:



Godspeed, Joe.

Okay, I'm going to work. I'll be back with something else later. Peace.

Inspired by nothing, I'd just like to point out that THIS (see below...)



comes out the day before my birthday, which is January 5th. Now, I'm just sayin' is all. (Grin, not gringe.)

So, how was everyone's holidays?

Mine was a little strange, as Lee, Franz, and Jason can attest to. All three of course stayed very late and played X-Box, so that's not new. But we were down about 16 from the usual Napier household attendance mark thanks to everyone's best friend, inclimate weather. Oh well. Despite that, Christmas was a pretty cool happening as usual, thanks to the true beauty of friendship and family. They are the best strengths. The true beauty of the professional wrestling was not very well represented on Christmas, although I did get my Wrestling Observer subscription re-upped. So in that spirit, here's some Christmas wishes from everyone's favorite Ring of Honor perma-champ.



Okay, enough of that. Tomorrow... in fact, about nine hours from now at 5 am, Jason will be picking me up as we head to Youngstown, drop off a car, and take a jet back to Columbus. I am totally THE TRANSPORTER. Why would I agree to do this? Because I care, damn it. I... care. Period.



You heard me. I care. Peace and love, peeps.

Hip hop collabs

Prefuse 73 has a new album coming out. That alone is reason enough for a blog entry. BUT... there's a track on it with GHOSTFACE AND EL-P!!!! What the Hell is that about?

Is this weirder than Tim McGraw and Nelly? Probably not. But it might be weirder than Common and that Laetitia Sadler chick. Sounds like a Stereolab song with rap vocals.

Fat Boys and Force MDs was pretty weird too, come to think of it.

Calling all Andrews: Didn't KLF have a song with Tammy Wynette back in the day?

Anybody else got any?

My head just exploded. Read below

AJ Styles returns to ROH on 2/25 in Dayton, Ohio!!!
12/20/04
ROH

"Ring Of Honor is very pleased to announce that "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles will return to ROH for a very special appearance on February 25th in Dayton, Ohio. Styles has been following ROH and has requested to return for a match against his former protege Jimmy Rave." AAAAHHHHHHHHH. I love this company. Oh, and you know who's making his Ring of Honor DEBUT in Dayton? Peckerwood Jesus, Jamie By God Noble. Hallelujah, I heart wrestling.

Too much work. Nothing else happening... must... update... blog.

So, a quick recap before we launch into the usual Smackdown! yammering. Friday night was Franz's surprise party. I headed over with Dave and Jason and we stayed for a while before departing with Ashley and the entire student body of the College of Wooster for O'Reilly's. Saturday, I hung out with Davekwon. Sunday... I don't remember. Monday was 2/3 of a triple feature night at Studio 35. Still not sure what I thought of Huckabees. Tuesday was sacred and most holy television machine watchin' night with Ashley. "Veronica Mars" and "House" are both the bomb. Wednesday I stayed in and cold chilled with Jason and Cassie, finally recovering my long lost copy of "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton!". Thursday, Andrew (w/ new sexy specs!!!!) and I finally realized a fall-long dream and saw "Mr. 3000", laufing at that wiseacre Bernie Mack and ogling the still delectable Angela Bassett. And hey, that's the week that was, fools. Onto the awful rasslin'.

WHAT WORKED

JBL allows us... to live... VICARIOUSLY... through him. I... I... I'm scared that I have... to live vicariously through... him soaping up Danny Basham's... ass cheeks in the locker room shower. And I vicariously... now believe... he is... no... prima donna. Angle comes out and- what?- he's a face suddenly? Teddy Long shows up and I realize that I didn't actually miss anything by being ten minutes late. Hey, Angle vs JBL. That could be fun. Random yet fun.

Billy Kidman and Akio wrestle Rey Rey and RVD. Misterio and Van Dam have the belts! Kidman isn't wearing the jacket so this is less than what it could have been. They do a 94 step lucha sequence that is just waaay fun. Akio with the sleeper and Rey gets the crowd behind him. Rey counters with a wacky facebuster thingy. RVD tags in- THUS the crystal meth coursing through the editor kicks in and it's Offenso-Edit-TastiXXX~! Akio bumps like a freak and Kidman kills RVD with a SKYYYY HIIIIIGH bomb. Kidman goes for the Shooting Star Press but RVD cuts him off and Rey forces Akio to take the rana on the floor while RVD crushes Kidman with a Frog Splash for three. It was some kind of wrestling. Yeah, buddy.

Heidenreich hates Cole again. Heidenreich is crazy! Heidenreich grabs Cole's chair and steps into the ring! He punches a hole in the seat of the chair and pulls down his tights and hops on the chair and starts blowing poo out of his buttocks onto the mat. As he is doing this, he reads from Betty Crocker's Slow Cooker Cook Book. "Baste my buttocks in a lemony bernaise sauce. Baste it. BASTE IT! Brush the garlic butter on my shameful parts. My shameful parts. SHAMEFUL! Tenderize my nipples with...". Okay, no he didn't. But that would have been much better than the poem he actually read.

JBL as the chickenhawk was fucking GOLD. When they get to the airport to go to Iraq, JBL should drop out and Al Franken- who is a MAN and has gone to Iraq twice to entertain the troops already- should fill in and win the belt with his SHOOT MOVES that he used on that LaRouchian heckler. That would fucking rule. It's about bringing the country together...

They show the Cena match from ARMAGEDDON! Jesus is busted open! Did they explain why it goes to black and white? Jesus is a game ninth rate Cactus Jack to Cena's eighth rate Sting in this- as this has enough stiff strikes to make it kinda watchable.

JBL wrestles Angle. The tertiary divas roll on the ground showing off their tiny thongs and I don't think they are over enough for anyone to actually masturbate to it. I KID! Every pimply faced 32 year old Cheeto-smelling virgin in America masturbated to the pathetic sight of leathery strippers rolling around on the ground! HAHA! Ah wrestling... it's so motherfucking pathetic and annoying. Angle and JBL really beat the fuck out of each other early. NICE Elbow drop by JBL. JBL is a great second rate Barry Windham in this. JBL does the WWE Main Event Stair Bump and we go to a commercial. JBL works the shoulder and Tazz calls it both the Cross Armbreaker and the Jujigatame. Tazz kinda overcalls Angle escaping as a Reverse DDT. JBL cuts Angle off with a What Is Not Actually A Samoan Drop. Tazz is more into the psychology of the match more than Kurt Angle is- as Tazz sells the shoulder, but Angle doesn't. JBL counters the Ankle Lock- which means that- fuck- Linda McMahon could counter the Ankle Lock. Angle Slam for two. JBL does a long set-up for a powerbomb and has to basically pick up Angle and lift him into a counter into a Sunset flip into an ankle lock. The finish is all hot as everybody runs in and Angle keeps re-applying the lock with super retardo tap out WHILE THE REF IS DISTRACTED! And then Orlando gets JBL disqualified anyway and Deus Ex Gianta comes out and chokeslams and F-5s everybody and we'll call it a finish and day. Angle's selling sucked dick in this but JBL shockingly carried him pretty well. The ending was shitty but it's the WWE and what else is new?

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

It's Eddy and Booker T- they had a very Russo-esque level annoying skit about them not getting along. They are going to wrestle Rene and Kenzo. Rene makes Booker T's lariat look fucking GREAT. They beat on Eddy and Rene decides to bump like a COMPLETE FUCKING PSYCHO. Eddy is suplex CRAZY! Rene DIES AGAIN to the floor. Booker T kicks Kenzo in the stomach and Kenzo stands in an obviously cooperative pose for nine seconds while Booker T takes nine seconds to getting around to the AXE KICK and that really sucks ass. Eddy wins with the Love Machine Splash. Why. THAT'S THE SAME FINISH AS RVD! Could it... could it... COULD IT BE. THAT THEY WOULD. HAVE A FUED. OVER THE FROG SPLASH. This was actually perfectly fine, but I didn't hate enough of tonight's show and wouldn't want to give the impression that Smackdown! was okay or anything.

HEY! TOUGH ENOUGH! Allright. Super.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

I love Christmas, kinda. Smackdown!

So I was at work today, and I was mindlessly ringing up someone's six foot tall inflatable Santa Claus, just letting the incessant pop Christmas music roll over me (Brief aside: what the fuck, man? Our music service is called "Muzak". That's the company's name, but they play actual songs. Makes no damn sense) when all of a sudden, FUCKING BAND AID comes on. It was that "Do They Know It's Christmas?" song, and I was SPRUNG. It didn't hit me at first as I was waiting for a Parkinson's afflicted old lady to find 83 cents in her change purse, but then the part where Bono, Sting and Paul Weller sing "there's a world outside your window" came up and I knew that Christmas had come early. Has there ever been such a harmonizing of three fatuous assholes since that moment? I certainly think not. Paul Weller could sing his ass off though. Did he die? It's weird, though. That moment really made me feel all Christmasy. Life is all dualistic like that. In your head, all of this emotionally crippling/euphoric shit happens, while outside, you are at fricking Factory Card Outlet, trying to say "$40.83!" loudly enough for some old broad to hear you. But fuck man, let's enjoy some truly shitty wrestling together while there's time, right?

WHAT WORKED

Cruiserweight Battle Royale! Hey! Paul London! Awesome! Nunzio kinda pusses out on his elimination. HAHAHAHAHA! Read that out of context! London goes out big. This is mostly the shittiness that is a battle royale. Akio dies like a MAN. Shannon Moore is the funnest part of the match, leaning into Kidman's dropkick, hitting the Missile Dropkick to eliminate Akio, dying like a freak when eliminated. FUNAKI WINS! FUNAKI WINS! That sucks. Shannon Moore versus Spike dudley would be so the great bumpfest.

Teddy Long tells someone to take that bass out ya voice so it allows me to pad the "what worked" column. EDDY HAS A TIRE! It's JBL'S! OUTRAGEOUS! Vato Loco Napio pads the top like a sleep deprived CICLON ENORME!

Kenzo's ho and Torrie ripping each others clothes off and running around in circles. So the perfect thing for YOU to jack off to. Anything this pathetic and embarrassing has to cross over into some kind of performance art. Right? The tag match that this bled into was a peck of fun. Kenzo joining Renee with the French Tickler was fun. Rey Rey carries the game Kenzo like a champ. The nearfalls kick in and RVD's comically whiffed Missile Dropkick is EDITED LIKE A MUTHAH~! Rey Rey with the hot 2 and 8/9ths fall. REY REY AND RVD CHEAT TO WIN! Not very long but perfectly fine considering Rey Misterio Jr is the only one involved who can actually perform the Professional Wrestling.

Big Show as the hometown hero is fun booking. Big Show beats the life out of Jindrak. Jindrak throws HORRENDOUSLY bad punches. Big Show's big boot looks fabulous. They cut this short and triple team big Show before it gets too good. Take my hand and REJOICE! as we pad the What Worked Column. Ha ha ha! Yeah, it's fun!

JBL and his posse is waaaay too much like the Nouvelle York Foundation without the upside of having Ricky Morton and Terry Taylor. If Terri Runnels came back to do a spreadsheet on how to defeat Eddy Guerrerro, we could really flesh this baby out. With Eddy, Bradshaw, Booker T, Orlando Jordan, Undertaker and the Bashams, this is quite the... something. They beat on Danny Basham early. Booker T looks good beating on Doug. Eddy comes in and Doug cuts Eddy off and Orlando whoops up on him. JBL and Eddy is still GOLD in the ring. Eddy leans into JBL's offense like a MAN. Locomotion Vertical Suplexes by Eddy and it breaks down! JBL and Undertaker don't touch each other. Eddy is the face in peril and the fans are into him fighting like a babyface will fight in a Southern tag match. Bashams are great at cutting off the ring and shit. Eddy is awesome at the super close nearfalls. Basham with a FULL NELSON and I'm loving it. This is great ass-beating that Eddy is taking. JBL comes back in and Eddy makes him look fabulous. Eddy works a Sleeper Hold spot like fucking Dusty Rhodes in Tampa in 1983 and the crowd is almost as SPRUNG as I was with the Band Aid shit. Eddy with the nice DDT for HOPE SPOT! Hot tag to UT and they edit his shitty punches. Eddy foils JBL's attempt to hit... someone... with the belt. Then it kinda becomes random beating of the the Bashams and Orlando. UT with the Tombstone Piledriver after Eddy's Frogsplash and that was fun. And almost makes up for the rest of the show. Almost.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

JBL is in fucking SOUTH CAROLINA and he can't come up with ANYTHING to insult them with? C'mon, they are the fucking Gamecocks. Undertaker chokeslams the Bashams like they were Mikey Whipwreck and he was 911!!!!!! I NOW WANT TO BUY THE PAY PER VIEW!

Charlie leaves Jackie behind. I'm assuming that something horrendous happens to her while he is in the ring. The streetfight SUCKS HOG DICKS. THAT FUCKING SUCKS THE CHUCK E CHEESE GREASE PUDDLES OUT OF MY ASS. SUCK. SUCK DICK. SUCK SUCK. FUCK YOU WWE. YOUR STREET FIGHT SUCKS TONY SIRAGUSA'S BALLS. THAT SUCKED THE DICK OF A GOAT FUCKING CHRIS COLLINGSWORTH IN THE CORNSHOOT. WWE, U SUCK.

Luther Reigns puts his dickular region on and around Joy. Joy AAACCCTINNNG~! almost makes this work. Booker T and Stretch Girl are even more HEE HAW Skit-esque in their reading of the actiong lines. I'll stick them all here and get on with our little foray into wrestling viewing.

And the Tough Enough choades come out. Justice gets eliminated. Luckily, he can pick ANY name before or after Justice and he will be perfect named to fit in on any US indie card. American Gladiators isn't wrestling so I will now spend this time coming up with indie names for Justice. Justice Shane. Ace Justice. Black Horseman Justice Luger. Shane Justice. Justice Nash. Real Deal Justice Austin. Old School Justice Anderson. Curly "Hard Knox" Justice. Wild Child Justice Stryykerr. Jammin' Justice Jammer. OG Justice Muhammad Rahim. Mr Excitement Justice Blayze. Soul Man Justice Maivia. International Lover Prince Justice Rogers. Wreckless Justice Earnhardt. Gee Money Justice T.

Heidenreich must be coming back. Paul Heyman H-bombing him and fucking him up the ass while he wears the straitjacket is innovative, but disturbing. Or did I just dream that...

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

All I need now is to hear the fuckin' Fogelberg Christmas song sometime in the next fifteen days and it'll be ALLLLL good.

Short Takes

I've decided that I can't let another night pass without a blog update. I love my blog, and I've neglected it. I love my readers, and I've neglected you. So here we go:

SHORT TAKE MADNESS!

Paul London versus Akio on Velocity last weekend is the best five minute match I've ever seen.

Chicago is cold, but a lot more impressive, city-scape wise, than Columbus.

I listened to StAnger for the first time all the way through while I was in Chicago. Boo. Man, just... BOO. If you're going for that gritty, underproduced feel, record on shitty equipment and leave it alone. Don't use state of the art equipment, play like shit, and then fuck with it for months afterwards. CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG! That's not drumming, motherfucker.

The name of every bar in Naperville, Illinois sounds like a gay bar. "The Satisfied Frog", "Features", and "Roy's Blue Lagoon" are just a few non-gay bars that are missing the boat.

Season One of "Scrubs" is not on DVD.

Cody is growing a beard, and isn't that just fabulous?

I just watched "Commando", and Bennett might be a better action movie villain than Hans Gruber, if that's even possible.

I got "Knights of the Old Republic II" today for reasons entirely unknown to me. It's not like I'm going to be able to play it until Saturday afternoon at the earliest. I was just compelled. Having a Trading Zone right by my place of employment and bank is rough.

However...

Sid Meier has made a pirate game. Now that I'll be quitting my job to devote my life to it, I guess I'll be able to squeeze in KotOR 2 somewhere.

Anyway, that's... that's me right now. Too tired to close strong. My sincerest apologies.

Double Feature Follies

Our intrepid band (me, Franz, Andrew, Dave) hit Studio 35 last night for "Napoleon Dynamite" and "Shaun of the Dead." I must say, this was a SLIGHTLY better double feature than "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" and "Shaun of the Dead." Only fractionally, though. Right.

So... onto the movies themselves.

"Napoleon Dynamite" was new to me. I think I'll have to see it again to fully process it, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. Really funny, and completely clean. It's not like I have anything against dick and fart jokes, but it's refreshing once and a while to be reminded that something can be completely hysterical without going there.

"Shaun of the Dead" was a third viewing for me. I like "Dawn of the Dead 2K4." But it feels like an action movie. I like "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" (wait, no I don't), but it feels even more like an action movie. And a really shitty one at that. But "Shaun of the Dead" is very special. As a zombie movie, as a romantic comedy, and as a film in general. Simon Pegg is brilliant, and I can't wait for "From Dusk Till Shaun."

Odenkirk DOWN

I think I was always in denial about David Cross being the more talented/funnier half of Mr. Show. Maybe it was that the relentless, insane Jesus hate turned me off. I don't know really, but it's moot. Because now I have watched "Tom Goes to the Mayor." It tried to do that random, bizarro gag humor that Williams Street prides itself on, but it's either way too subtle for me, or it's just not working. It DOES have Mr. Lynch from "Home Movies," but it's like putting Clint Howard in "House of the Dead." The cause was alreayd lost. In short, I hate this show and will never, ever watch it again. Except that I just remembered that I haven't taken it off "Series Record" on DVR, so... yeah, I'll probably end up watching it sometime late Sunday night just because. Fucking technology.