I love Christmas, kinda. Smackdown!

So I was at work today, and I was mindlessly ringing up someone's six foot tall inflatable Santa Claus, just letting the incessant pop Christmas music roll over me (Brief aside: what the fuck, man? Our music service is called "Muzak". That's the company's name, but they play actual songs. Makes no damn sense) when all of a sudden, FUCKING BAND AID comes on. It was that "Do They Know It's Christmas?" song, and I was SPRUNG. It didn't hit me at first as I was waiting for a Parkinson's afflicted old lady to find 83 cents in her change purse, but then the part where Bono, Sting and Paul Weller sing "there's a world outside your window" came up and I knew that Christmas had come early. Has there ever been such a harmonizing of three fatuous assholes since that moment? I certainly think not. Paul Weller could sing his ass off though. Did he die? It's weird, though. That moment really made me feel all Christmasy. Life is all dualistic like that. In your head, all of this emotionally crippling/euphoric shit happens, while outside, you are at fricking Factory Card Outlet, trying to say "$40.83!" loudly enough for some old broad to hear you. But fuck man, let's enjoy some truly shitty wrestling together while there's time, right?

WHAT WORKED

Cruiserweight Battle Royale! Hey! Paul London! Awesome! Nunzio kinda pusses out on his elimination. HAHAHAHAHA! Read that out of context! London goes out big. This is mostly the shittiness that is a battle royale. Akio dies like a MAN. Shannon Moore is the funnest part of the match, leaning into Kidman's dropkick, hitting the Missile Dropkick to eliminate Akio, dying like a freak when eliminated. FUNAKI WINS! FUNAKI WINS! That sucks. Shannon Moore versus Spike dudley would be so the great bumpfest.

Teddy Long tells someone to take that bass out ya voice so it allows me to pad the "what worked" column. EDDY HAS A TIRE! It's JBL'S! OUTRAGEOUS! Vato Loco Napio pads the top like a sleep deprived CICLON ENORME!

Kenzo's ho and Torrie ripping each others clothes off and running around in circles. So the perfect thing for YOU to jack off to. Anything this pathetic and embarrassing has to cross over into some kind of performance art. Right? The tag match that this bled into was a peck of fun. Kenzo joining Renee with the French Tickler was fun. Rey Rey carries the game Kenzo like a champ. The nearfalls kick in and RVD's comically whiffed Missile Dropkick is EDITED LIKE A MUTHAH~! Rey Rey with the hot 2 and 8/9ths fall. REY REY AND RVD CHEAT TO WIN! Not very long but perfectly fine considering Rey Misterio Jr is the only one involved who can actually perform the Professional Wrestling.

Big Show as the hometown hero is fun booking. Big Show beats the life out of Jindrak. Jindrak throws HORRENDOUSLY bad punches. Big Show's big boot looks fabulous. They cut this short and triple team big Show before it gets too good. Take my hand and REJOICE! as we pad the What Worked Column. Ha ha ha! Yeah, it's fun!

JBL and his posse is waaaay too much like the Nouvelle York Foundation without the upside of having Ricky Morton and Terry Taylor. If Terri Runnels came back to do a spreadsheet on how to defeat Eddy Guerrerro, we could really flesh this baby out. With Eddy, Bradshaw, Booker T, Orlando Jordan, Undertaker and the Bashams, this is quite the... something. They beat on Danny Basham early. Booker T looks good beating on Doug. Eddy comes in and Doug cuts Eddy off and Orlando whoops up on him. JBL and Eddy is still GOLD in the ring. Eddy leans into JBL's offense like a MAN. Locomotion Vertical Suplexes by Eddy and it breaks down! JBL and Undertaker don't touch each other. Eddy is the face in peril and the fans are into him fighting like a babyface will fight in a Southern tag match. Bashams are great at cutting off the ring and shit. Eddy is awesome at the super close nearfalls. Basham with a FULL NELSON and I'm loving it. This is great ass-beating that Eddy is taking. JBL comes back in and Eddy makes him look fabulous. Eddy works a Sleeper Hold spot like fucking Dusty Rhodes in Tampa in 1983 and the crowd is almost as SPRUNG as I was with the Band Aid shit. Eddy with the nice DDT for HOPE SPOT! Hot tag to UT and they edit his shitty punches. Eddy foils JBL's attempt to hit... someone... with the belt. Then it kinda becomes random beating of the the Bashams and Orlando. UT with the Tombstone Piledriver after Eddy's Frogsplash and that was fun. And almost makes up for the rest of the show. Almost.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

JBL is in fucking SOUTH CAROLINA and he can't come up with ANYTHING to insult them with? C'mon, they are the fucking Gamecocks. Undertaker chokeslams the Bashams like they were Mikey Whipwreck and he was 911!!!!!! I NOW WANT TO BUY THE PAY PER VIEW!

Charlie leaves Jackie behind. I'm assuming that something horrendous happens to her while he is in the ring. The streetfight SUCKS HOG DICKS. THAT FUCKING SUCKS THE CHUCK E CHEESE GREASE PUDDLES OUT OF MY ASS. SUCK. SUCK DICK. SUCK SUCK. FUCK YOU WWE. YOUR STREET FIGHT SUCKS TONY SIRAGUSA'S BALLS. THAT SUCKED THE DICK OF A GOAT FUCKING CHRIS COLLINGSWORTH IN THE CORNSHOOT. WWE, U SUCK.

Luther Reigns puts his dickular region on and around Joy. Joy AAACCCTINNNG~! almost makes this work. Booker T and Stretch Girl are even more HEE HAW Skit-esque in their reading of the actiong lines. I'll stick them all here and get on with our little foray into wrestling viewing.

And the Tough Enough choades come out. Justice gets eliminated. Luckily, he can pick ANY name before or after Justice and he will be perfect named to fit in on any US indie card. American Gladiators isn't wrestling so I will now spend this time coming up with indie names for Justice. Justice Shane. Ace Justice. Black Horseman Justice Luger. Shane Justice. Justice Nash. Real Deal Justice Austin. Old School Justice Anderson. Curly "Hard Knox" Justice. Wild Child Justice Stryykerr. Jammin' Justice Jammer. OG Justice Muhammad Rahim. Mr Excitement Justice Blayze. Soul Man Justice Maivia. International Lover Prince Justice Rogers. Wreckless Justice Earnhardt. Gee Money Justice T.

Heidenreich must be coming back. Paul Heyman H-bombing him and fucking him up the ass while he wears the straitjacket is innovative, but disturbing. Or did I just dream that...

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

All I need now is to hear the fuckin' Fogelberg Christmas song sometime in the next fifteen days and it'll be ALLLLL good.

Short Takes

I've decided that I can't let another night pass without a blog update. I love my blog, and I've neglected it. I love my readers, and I've neglected you. So here we go:

SHORT TAKE MADNESS!

Paul London versus Akio on Velocity last weekend is the best five minute match I've ever seen.

Chicago is cold, but a lot more impressive, city-scape wise, than Columbus.

I listened to StAnger for the first time all the way through while I was in Chicago. Boo. Man, just... BOO. If you're going for that gritty, underproduced feel, record on shitty equipment and leave it alone. Don't use state of the art equipment, play like shit, and then fuck with it for months afterwards. CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG! That's not drumming, motherfucker.

The name of every bar in Naperville, Illinois sounds like a gay bar. "The Satisfied Frog", "Features", and "Roy's Blue Lagoon" are just a few non-gay bars that are missing the boat.

Season One of "Scrubs" is not on DVD.

Cody is growing a beard, and isn't that just fabulous?

I just watched "Commando", and Bennett might be a better action movie villain than Hans Gruber, if that's even possible.

I got "Knights of the Old Republic II" today for reasons entirely unknown to me. It's not like I'm going to be able to play it until Saturday afternoon at the earliest. I was just compelled. Having a Trading Zone right by my place of employment and bank is rough.

However...

Sid Meier has made a pirate game. Now that I'll be quitting my job to devote my life to it, I guess I'll be able to squeeze in KotOR 2 somewhere.

Anyway, that's... that's me right now. Too tired to close strong. My sincerest apologies.

Double Feature Follies

Our intrepid band (me, Franz, Andrew, Dave) hit Studio 35 last night for "Napoleon Dynamite" and "Shaun of the Dead." I must say, this was a SLIGHTLY better double feature than "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" and "Shaun of the Dead." Only fractionally, though. Right.

So... onto the movies themselves.

"Napoleon Dynamite" was new to me. I think I'll have to see it again to fully process it, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. Really funny, and completely clean. It's not like I have anything against dick and fart jokes, but it's refreshing once and a while to be reminded that something can be completely hysterical without going there.

"Shaun of the Dead" was a third viewing for me. I like "Dawn of the Dead 2K4." But it feels like an action movie. I like "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" (wait, no I don't), but it feels even more like an action movie. And a really shitty one at that. But "Shaun of the Dead" is very special. As a zombie movie, as a romantic comedy, and as a film in general. Simon Pegg is brilliant, and I can't wait for "From Dusk Till Shaun."

Odenkirk DOWN

I think I was always in denial about David Cross being the more talented/funnier half of Mr. Show. Maybe it was that the relentless, insane Jesus hate turned me off. I don't know really, but it's moot. Because now I have watched "Tom Goes to the Mayor." It tried to do that random, bizarro gag humor that Williams Street prides itself on, but it's either way too subtle for me, or it's just not working. It DOES have Mr. Lynch from "Home Movies," but it's like putting Clint Howard in "House of the Dead." The cause was alreayd lost. In short, I hate this show and will never, ever watch it again. Except that I just remembered that I haven't taken it off "Series Record" on DVR, so... yeah, I'll probably end up watching it sometime late Sunday night just because. Fucking technology.

RAW, raw, raw, raw, raw!

What Worked

I liked the elimination tag, which is shocking for a Regal match which had hardly any Regal in it. That 2 count roll up section with Eugene and Tajiri was ridiculous, though. I guess Eugene has been studying his Jerry Lynn tapes. I also like how you can't hit the mongoloid in his head. Apparently in WWE being retarded also makes you Samoan. The early Conway vs. Rhyno sections were surprisingly good. That would make a nice Heat match. Eugene is no longer brawling and back to being the wrestling idiot savant, and that's a huge plus.

It's is a shame Snitsky is so awful, because Lita has been fun in this angle. I like how this whole thing has damaged her and now she's just a vicious bitch. Her wildly swinging punches still stink but I like all her really violent monkey flipish offense. The rear naked choke finish is sweet too. She needs to bring back the STO.

I was never as huge an Edge and Christian fan as Lee, Franz, or Keith, but this was a fun reunion tag. How long has Beniot been hitting his headbutt Harley Race style? I get the sense that is even worse for your neck the the jumping version. It looks cool, but Beniot shouldn't love the Dynamite Kid that much. Nice jacket on Christian. Benoit has been stuck for so long in endless matches with useless but fragile rent boys; Grenier, HBK, and HHH. He's seemed reinvigorated getting to work with actual wrestlers. Edge is a lot better worker when he's working heel than when he works face. This match was real simple and slow and I dug it.

What Didn't Work

Why do I have to watch Maven doing this much mic work?

Christ, has there ever been an ego fuck as big as that main event? When Hogan beat 8 guys in the cage back in WCW he was at least a face. Did he kick out of Jeep Svenson and Zeus's finishers?

So I'm watching Nash cut promos on Impact, someone shouts "shut up and wrestle". Nash laughs "clearly you haven't been paying attention to my career." Damn, you have to almost respect that. Nash knows no one wants to see him wrestle. Delusional ass Helmsley thinks we want to see him in the ring for 12 minutes. This is like the fourth week in a row that Raw has done one of these heels with odds stacked against them main events that make the faces look like pussies. This was the worst TNA main event in the history of overbooked TNA main events. At least Jarrett has cool taste in clothing and can actually work the mic. I mean, I liked the undercard tonight, but nothing was as good as Naturals vs. Americas Most Wanted or Zbyzsco vs. AJ Styles. The Raw womans match was better than any of the TNA womans stuff but may not have been as good as the best Piratita Morgan match.

So yeah, mixed bag as ever.

The worst news of all time

ODB, aka Dirt McGirt, aka Big Baby Jesus, aka Old Dirty Osirus, aka Cyrus The Virus, is dead.


I just don't know what to say. He must not have voted. Mourn ya till I join ya, big baby.

RAW is WAR and joy... IN THE SUN!

Let me get over this little mood and gear up. GEAR UP! RAW! IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME! It's got fuckin Chris Benoit! He fuckin' rules! It's got Ric Flair! I watched Ric Flair and Ronnie Garvin from 1988 a few weeks ago! Flair is fucking great! FUCK YEAH! RAW! LET'S DO IT! ALRIGHT! YEAH!

WHAT WORKED

Boy, this CSI just keeps going. I did not know that "Who Are You?" is the theme song. It is the least of all good Who songs, but I'm gonna pad up here early and often. You know. Just in case.

Randy Orton and Batista wrestle. But first a commercial. Fuck McDonalds for caving in to the Super Size bullshit and trying to become a third rate Subway. Fuck Subway. I loved that billboard I saw while driving through Parkersburg with my grandpa last year that said "Nobody ever lost weight eating our subs." Fuck yeah, that's MY goddam America. OOP! We're back. Batista fights off the RKO early. Orton should use the Superplex as his finisher, in honor of his dad, who did the first Superplex I ever saw. God, Randy's punches suck dick. Ad he's whiffing right in the crowd, exposing the biz as they say. Early on, Batista looks like shit in this also, as he is quite NWO Scott Norton until the first big bump to the floor. They work a chinlock spot. Orton gets decent wads of heat. Orton shoulderblocks to TRANSITION! And he throws far better punches in the middle of the ring. HHH with the distraction and a nice lariat by Batista. The ref sends HHH from ringside. Aaaand it's retarded that Batista wouldn't try to get a pinfall EN LIEU of yammering with the ref. And a commercial. I miss Micro Touch's sweet sweet caress. Batista with a nice neckbreaker and Orton sells the Irish Whip like a little bitch. Batista with the Vertical Suplex and his offense is enough to carry Orton. Crowd heats up to another chinlock, as they do a The Rock Match By Numbers. Batista with a crossface cover which I love. Batista with the Rear Naked Choke that Orton sells like RVD. Which means like a Sid chinlock. Batista cuts him off and Orton hits a thoroughly shitty looking dropkick to the knee. Orton as a face IS RVD. Eeks. Nice Standing Dropkick and they both bump big to the floor. Batista leans into the DDT on the floor. Batista catches Orton on the top. Orton hits a Flying Cross Bodyblock in 2004 for some reason. Batista blades for no actual reason. Nice Spinebuster to cut off Orton. Nearfall with Orton rolling through a powerbomb attempt. Orton with the flashpin. That was a good little ending that saves a better than pedestrian match. Bumps moreso than actually psychology to get the crowd into it. Orton needs more decent looking offense and needs to learn how to make a heat segment work, thus making him a lesser John Cena. Fuck, he should ask his dad.

Postmatch, Batista assaults everybody. That was fun! Batista emotes "pissed off" really well even while diving onto folks.

Evil Edge is so much more funner than Hulkamaniac Edge. Benoit on the stick is the best. AWESOME! Benoit versus Edge. They gave me a good show for my return.

Hey, it's Tomko. He looks to Batista what Gillberg was to Goldberg. HEY! SHELTON BENJAMIN! I'm always excited to see that guy. Tomko is busted up by Benjamin's Ode To HHH Offense early. Christian has a real Clint Howard thing going for him. Tomko is quite the lesser A-Train but he doesn't turn my stomach in this. Tomko doesn't sell very well and seems lost in the ring. Way cool Standing Powerslam by Benjamin. As oversized squash victim, Tomko did not make me forget the greatness of Mike Enos. Hell, he didn't make me forget Rick Fuller. Shelton Benjamin is fun though. It can stay up here.

Maria has fabulous hooters. She isn't Josh though. Edge yammers away and HHH shows up and Edge starts trying to act. Maria's bodacious dairies keep the segment together. Yes. Yes, they do. Oh yeah. Even though she isn't Josh. She does have milk wagons to replace the ALLURE of Josh. It's a diminishing return though. You can't beat Josh's chemistry. But you can't fight her hammerin' flesh colored elf hats. Not that they replace the glory of Josh.

Edge and Benoit will hopefully beat the shit out of each other for our amusement. God, Benoit fucking rules. Edge takes the assbeating like a man tonight. Edge works all tight with Benoit and it makes all the difference in the world. I love the Benoit knees to the face. Edge throws Benoit to the floor to go on offense. Edge on offense isn't so good. C'mon, it's fucking Benoit, elbow him in the fucking head. Edge is dropping some knees as we go to a commercial. God, I hate those Snickers commercials. Rev Al is down to this? AWESOME! MXC special. OOP we're back. Edge is procuring the chinlock-like thingy. Benoit chops to comeback and Edge cuts him off with a knee to the stomach and then Evolution comes out. Edge stays on offense. Jericho, Orton, and Maven (?) come out. Edge continues beating on Benoit. Benoit gets cut off by Edge no-selling five headbutts. Edge with a suplex. Edge goes up top and Benoit mauls him in the corner and hits a AWESOME Superplex. Edge is first back on offense as it seems a FUCKING SUPERPLEX doesn't faze him. Benoit starts beating on Edge some more at ringside. Edge eats the steps like a MAN. I assume Edge will be bleeding. Yep. Benoit with the Sharpshooter. Benoit with the Locomotion German Suplex. Benoit with the Diving Headbutt. Edge kicks out at two. Benoit with the Crippler Crossface. The Superheroes and Evolution get in a big fight en lieu of an actual finish. It goes on for a while. Team Orton STAND TALL! That wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. RAW in general I mean.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

HHH is on the stick. I assume this is one of those 15 minute speaking segments. HHH sucks because he doesn't taunt the Austin college crowd for forgetting to Rock the Vote. Fuck, Flair isn't going to be there. Batista looks pissed off at the GAME~! HHH tells Eric Bischoff to suck his purple helmeted soldier! SUCK IT, BISCHOFF! Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff looks like Judi Dench from "As Time Goes By." THUS He is MILFtastic then, I suppose. HHH beats on Bischoff. HHH is a pussy and doesn't actually beat on Bischoff because Bischoff threatens to strip him of the belt! The winning teams gets to run RAW!

Jericho does his Piper's Pit thingy. Trish Stratus come out. (48 year old virgins grab moist towlettes.) Lita comes out. (Grab handfuls of tapioca pudding). Trish talks. (Switch over to Jergens Lotion.) Jericho calls Trish a slut. (Opt for Kraft Russian Dressing) Lita is botoxed from her entire neck up and it's pretty creepy. She's got that Melanie Griffith/Meg Ryan '04 dealy going for her that makes a normal man's testicles ascend into his body cavity. Lita talks about kissing Trish. (Virgins prematurely spurt onto the front of their JAG 300th episode commemorative zubas. Anguished screams of "MOTHER OF MITRA!" fill one room apartments the nation over.) This Snitsky thing is so amazingly retarded. Jericho and Snitsky have a fight. Lita tries to emote though she can't actually move any part of her face. What a mess.

Simon Dean! Hey, that's what's his name. The guy in the Blue World Order that sucked so much ass in ECW. Ah Super Nova. God, all these vig netz are all going to lead up to some truly shitty matches. You really shouldn't try to remake the Tiger Ali Singh push. All these plants in the front row. The fat lady with leather pants got me kinda riled up for a second. Hey! She's getting into the ring. WWE is branching out, as zaftig fetish boys grease up and start fishing around in the pickle jar. I bet she beats up Super Nova! I'm betting Laura has had sex. University of Texas Austin, has a rugby team, I'm assuming. Meanwhile, this kinda keeps going.

HHH comes out. Tajiri will get his ass kicked, I would suppose. Instead Snitsky comes out and beats on Tajiri after clotheslining him from behind. That sucked. And they yak a bit.

Arab racebaiting. That's all we need. Suck my yankee doodle dick, you fucking shitheads at WWE.

Yep. It was RAW.

Update about an update!

It's been a while since I reviewed wrestling, so I think I'll throw a Raw Workrate Report out later tonight.

The Episode III trailer started circulating yesterday, and I've got to say that it's probably the best looking of the three. Of course, I thought Episode II looked incredible based on the trailer, and I know a lot of y'all did too. The place I watched it from is down now, but supposedly it's going to be on TRL and ET tonight. I guess the bottom line is, much like the first two, there will at least be a lot of cool looking stuff in it. I refuse to get my hopes up again only to get burned.

HOWEVER - That was a pretty fucking bad ass trailer.

After all, Hayden Christiansen will eventually have to open his mouth.

I Hate This Country Almost As Much As I Love It

Know what the real killer is?

This election was an unparalleled opportunity for the left. If the last four years couldn't motivate progressives, nothing can. The Internet helped progressives organize and funnel small donations to candidates like never before. "Fahrenheit 9/11" helped channel the rage. There were SO MANY cracks in the Bush administration's armor to choose from.

And that wasn't enough, because it all got drowned under a wave of terror-phobia, homophobia, apathy, greed and bible-thumping.

A ton of people who were first-time donators, who were excited about the possibilities, and who were eagerly expecting a Kerry landslide just got their hopes folded, spindled and mutilated. Motivating THOSE people in two years will be a hell of a lot harder.

Even if Bush fellates a live goat on national television and names it his new Secretary of State, with the Republicans calling all shots, the specter of impeachment is not even a remote possibility. Even if Kerry had pulled a miracle and ended up with Ohio and the Presidency, it wouldn't have mattered, because he'd have been facing an extremely hostile Congress and an army of screaming wingnuts convinced that he's illegitimate; it'd make those who questioned Bush's 2000 selection seem like a warm reception.

This is just the beginning.