An update JUST for Andrew

I'm really tired and I'll do a proper update tomorrow before ETERNAL SUNSHINE~! and DAWN~! but for now... TOP MODEL COMMERCIAL THOUGHTS!

Has there ever been a gathering of women that I would never want to fuck more that the group in the AMERICA'a TOP MODEL? Now, that gal on KING OF QUEENS, I'd stir it with her. I'd have it off with her. I'd ply her with merciful and caring love. I would kiss her on the nape of the neck. I would gently stroke the side of her face. I would deeply apologize about coming all over my jeans when I saw her naked shoulder. Yes I would. It would be the finest of apologies. Yes. She would have never heard a finer apology. No. She wouldn't have. No.

I love you, Drewsasta!

My new favorite band: the Multiculturpals.

Thank goodness they have blogs in Heaven, because the Dirtbombs KILLED me. Seriously, I don't know if I've ever been rocked so hard in my entire life. This is truly one of those instances where the saying "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" actually applies. Except I'm dead... so it doesn't. But if I had just barely managed to survive the thorough rocking, I'm sure it WOULD have made me stronger.

The lineup was local act Cheater Slicks, followed by the Greenhornes, and closing out with the Dirtbombs. Now, in true weekend rock fashion, the doors opened at eight, nearly two and a half hours before the first band took the stage. Dre and I didn't show up until nine thirty, so the wait wasn't so bad.

After being thoroughly unimpressed with local trio Cheater Slicks, the Greenhornes went to work setting my mood right. Andrew seems to think of them as more deserving of the Monkees 2K4 mantle than Apollo Sunshine, but what does he know about music?

So, I dug the Greenhornes, but then... the main event made me forget everything I had ever known about rocking out. Green what? Who hornes? It's all about the motherfuckin' Dirtbombs, baby. Black lead singer? Check. Smokin' hot Asian bassist chick? Check. Two drummers? Check and check. This is a band that I will be supporting with the purchasing of many tickets and much merchandise, I assure you.

The only thing missing from the show was the heaving of dirt at the audience with explosive sound effects. Maybe next time. I dropped a suggestion card.

Su-Su-Suicide

I just found out that Dave Blood of the Dead Milkmen killed himself. I always liked them and I was sad to read the news. Just felt like posting that, I guess.

Smackdown! and other shiz

Andrew lucks out again as we're at two weeks running in me not talking about "America's Next Top Model". I watched Smackdown! on tape delay, so I just fast forwarded through all of the commercials. Except for the Micro Touch shaver commercial, because I love it so.

Onto the show...

Chavo Senior the announcer is somehow even better than Chavo Senior the manager AND Chavo Senior the fashion plate. When he started going off in Spanish I thought I was going to cry. Also, the Rey/Jamie Noble match was tons of fun and even more fun was the ECW style 8 man tag that the match restarted as. The Cruiserweight Open on Sunday is going to be wicked.

Again with the crappy Lowrider trucks from Eddy. Where are the American muscle machines!? Shelton Benjamin is totally worthy of holding Mark Henry's mantle as my Black Wrestling Jesus for a few months longer and he showed exactly why against Eddy. He's going to be main eventing pay per views someday. Kurt Angle coming out and making the "I want da belt" motion over his Micro Touch shaven abs was pretty cool, too.

They're in Atlantic City and Cena is wearing a Gastineau throwback. I don't know who the fuck Gastineau is, so I'll assume it's a hockey thing and just write it off.

Dawn Marie wearing a Vampirella outfit makes my loins explode with gooey gothic love.

I don't know why I didn't fast forward the Sable and Torrie at Playboy's 50th Anniversary party deal, but I didn't. The scary thing is, you can actually visualize the guys they're talking to jacking off to their pictorial.

"Oh Torrie! I've got you in a nekkid hammerlock! GUUUH! HEY Sable I got you inna inna inna inna nekkid headscissors! HUW! HUW! HUW! Torrie I got YOU inna... nekkid headlock! GRUUUUH! Sable I got you inna nekkid...uh.... uh...uh... UUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGH..."

Anyway, that was Smackdown. Another hard sell show, sure, but it's Wrestlemania week. WHADDYA WANT!?

Dirtbombs are tonight. I've got MY ticket, fools. God bless Andrew Patton. I don't know if I'd EVER get out to shows if not for him. No, I take that back. I DO know if I'd ever get out to shows if not for him, and the answer is no.

Andrew "Funky D" Patton: Band Aid
1979-2017

RAW thoughts and a break

RAW was the usual yearly Wrestlemania hard sell, but there were some things I noticed.

With Shane Helms and Matt Hardy both doing jobs in under two minutes, the show had the feel of Jim Crockett buying the Hardy brothers old OMEGA promotion and then burying all of the talent. The 45 seconds of Helms versus Flair kicked ass, though.

Jericho and Stevie Richards had the best two minute match possible, especially with Stevie getting the duke.

What the fuck was that long mic segment with Benoit, Michaels and Helmsley? Fuck did that go on forever, get no heat and completely bury the match. They try to put over Helmsley as a guy playing mind games as he's pitting their egos against each other. God that stupid. How hard would it be to simply tell the truth:

Helmsley sits in a room with Flair:

Flair: Hunter, you're in trouble. Benoit, he's bad news.

HHH: Bah! he's no threat to me, he's as heatless as you get.

Flair: No H-man, I worked with him in WCW. You feud with Benoit... he'll fuck your wife. You'll be out a job.

HHH: Aw shit, you're right. Hmm. HBK still wants a piece of me after the last PPV. Maybe I can trick him into getting involved. Do you think they'd all fall into my trap? Three way dance.

Flair: Damn, H-man you're a genius... distract Benoit with that Nitro Girl ho Michaels married. He won't know which one to tag. You're a cerebral Assassin.

See, that makes Triple H actually look smart. I have no problem with smart heels as long as they actually ARE smart. I DO have a problem with Jim Ross telling me how smart Triple H is for the past five years when all he ever does is hit people with sledgehammers. There's a difference.

Johnny Blaze is already Johnny Spade. I wonder who threatened legal action first; Marvel or Method Man.

I can't believe they sent that poor old woman to a hotel room with Jimmy Snuka.

I'm sorry. That was in REALLY poor taste. I'm done.

I'm going to be staying with Amy (my sister) for the next couple of days, so no blog rollin' from me. Peace, y'allz.

Y'alls is some FAGS

All of you are suckas who don't write comments in my blog. Fie on all y'alls. Suckas.

"THIS IS A SHENANIGAN!" and other thoughts.

Fuck right it's a motherfucking shenanigan. A shenanigan if there ever was one. Chavo Senior is motherfucking GOD.

No Sable or Torrie? What about the 40 year old virgins who toast a load over their Final Fantasy X cartridges onto their plush Cthulu dolls? What about them? WHAT ABOUT THEM?!?!? Why WWE? WHY?!?

I didn't see an ad for "America's Next Top Model", so no comments on that tonight... ANDREW.

Finally saw "Old School". Maybe I was expecting too much. It was certainly entertaining, but I didn't L0L 2 1NF1N17Y as I was expecting. I will say this, though; all of the deleted scenes were worthwhile.

You know... come to think of it, spooging all over Cthulu dolls could have really dire consequences.

I kind of understand why wrestlers drink Lite beer and all, but it really needs to stop. It makes them look like pussies. Steve Austin and Brock Lesnar shouldn't be drinking fucking Miller Lite. They should be slugging down Schlitz at the very least. I had my first Schlitz a few days ago. I didn't hate it. I don't see why Jerry Lee Lewis was inspired to write a song about it, but who am I to question that great man?

I haven't watched Angel yet, so I'll be sure to come back with my opinions on super Fred. Peace, y'all.

Evolution is a Mystery - Jack Chick would be a Cool Dad

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1051/1051_01.asp

I don't like ol' Jack's farming out for the art work, but this one is almost as good as "Big Daddy", another classic Evolution tract.

Cody, I feel that you need Jack Chick in your life. It's the REAL truth.

Why won't hyperlinks work for me?

Stroke it till it's RAW

I really think that this feud between the rebellious redneck and the diabolical corporate kingpin could turn the wrestling business around.

What?

Oh, it's not 1998? Oops.

For what it's worth, the McStuntMahon was hilarious. Prince used Ron Perlman for the motorcyle scenes in "Purple Rain", you know. That's not connected to anything, just something I recently learned that sorta ties in.

Austin debuted a rebel flag shirt and for the first time since his injury, I was glad that My Black Wrestling Jesus, Mark Henry, was not on the show. I like Austin. I wouldn't have wanted Mark to have to kill him. Also, they lowered burning crosses. In ATLANTA. To face pops from the crowd. What a sick, sick world it is.

Randy Orton is so Flair 2K4 that it's not even funny. I don't know exactly when it all started clicking for me, but since right around the Royal Rumble I'm TOTALLY on board with the Orton mega-push.

They've done a great job of building up Foley/Ortron as an epic blood feud, to the point where I'm kind of sad that The Rock has been added to the mix, rendering it little more than a comedy tag match. He's just going to hit his trademark spots and pop the crowd, and that really doesn't need to be shoe horned into something that's been as well built as Foley/Orton.

Rock's new facial hair is horrible. He looks like a roided Howie Mandel.

All in all, I had a good time watching RAW this week with everybody. (Lee, Lucas, Franz, Ashley, Andrew)

I've decided that I really need to get Lucas to watch some Toryumon. I think he would dig it.

I think I'm going to see Amelie at 11 this evening at Studio 35 if anybody else is down.

Peace, y'all. You've been blogged.

Does Joshua Tree REALLY make up for Rattle and Hum?

So, I've been thinking about who the best band of the '80s was recently. This spawned from a "Best Band of the '90s" thread on a message board, and it was very clear cut, most of the votes going to Radio Head or Nirvana. I'm guessing that if you surveyed a wide array of people, the '60s would come down to the Beatles and maybe the Stones. But the '80s are more ambiguous. So, any thoughts? I'm considering the following as REALLY being in the running;

The Replacements
U2
The Cure
The Smiths
The Pixies
Public Enemy
Van Halen
Eurythmics

Anybody else got any thoughts?

I actually saw !~THE PASSION~!, so I guess it's my duty to comment on it. It was... all right. However, the theater was teeming with black women so it was fucking intense. I wasn't really moved spiritually by the film but I did get emotional because all the sistas around me were crying fullbore by the time He is nailed to the cross. It was weird. It was like I was at the funeral of someone I didn't know and got caught up in the emotion of the mourners though I didn't know the deceased. The whipping scene wasn't nearly as horrendously grisly as I imagined though it was really gratutious. Gibson's vision of Jesus was odd; Kenny Loggins but as tough as Randall "Tex" Cobb. I miss that guy.

I want to get a milk snake. They have absolutely no defenses except for pretending to be coral snakes. That's AWESOME. I need a poser snake so badly.

Tomorrow: Raw thoughts and MORE. That's right... MORE.